SD19 says she wants me to be blunt.

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This week husband had a long chat with SD19 about her behaviors at our wedding this past September, since she's wanting us to gather for Christmas. During this conversation she told Husband that if I was angry with her that I was to tell her myself. She states she is like a man in her thinking. That she likes to be straight-shooting and blunt.
This woman who says she thinks like a man is the younger twin that cries and shrieks at her dad each time he doesn't do as she wants him to. When the divorce papers were signed and he told his twins that he was intending on dating(3 years ago), this girl flopped herself on the ground at age 16 and had a temper tantrum. Literally...on the ground. Haven't met many men who do this.

I really have bit my tongue for 3 years. I have never told her what I think of her. I have been quiet and NICE. Let Husband take the lead with his girls.
Does she truly know what she's is asking? Because...I have a lot to say. Very little of it is complementary.
As it sits now...her anger at me might not be personal. Any woman in her dad's life would piss her off. She wants to be mini-wife. If I speak my mind to her it WILL become personal.

I asked my husband how he felt about this. He says he trusts what I may say to his daughters. That he will back me.
So..I am unclenching my tongue. The muzzle is off. I'll probably be needing a safe place like this to vent as this all goes along.

Yes....I don't think bringing

Yes....I don't think bringing up individual instances will bring about any good. Husband already tried that and it was met with excuses and blaming.
It is my intention to be "blunt" in the moment. As a bad behavior occurs to call them on it. I think that just shutting up and letting it go on is just teaching them that I condone the behavior or that I am afraid of them.
I could care less if they don't like me. I already have children that love me. A husband that loves me. I don't need SD's approval or liking.
They are already complaining that we spend more time with my daughter than with them. Ummm...my daughter loves their dad and lets him know that. She is not rude to him. We go where we are wanted. What's so hard to figure out about this.

Go with that plan carpeomnia,

Go with that plan carpeomnia, nip it in the bud. Call them on behaviours you find unacceptable and keep it up. Putting up with it in the hope they will get better in time or for your husbands sake, only makes them think they're right and they keep getting worse and worse and worse. Airing your feelings will only give them more ammunition. Nothing you say will cause them to reflect on their behaviour, only on what you did to cause them to behave that way. As stepaside said, everything you say will be taken back to your husbands entire family, you will be a total outcast and their s huge potential for your husband to fold under all the pressure.

I totally agree! She just

I totally agree! She just wants justification to dislike and she will back stab you with your own words. Do not meet with her, or if you do, let her do the talking....just nod and smile. I believe that these types enjoy hating others, and twisting the knife in. My dh's ex and daughters are the same way. Just live your life with dh and let him engage with his daughters.

I would let it rip, I got

I would let it rip, I got tired of everyone in the family talking behind my back because of what SD19 was telling them and i wrote a nice long letter and read it to her at our round table meeting but I did not give her the letter because I knew that she would pass it around. I worked on the letter for weeks, writing out all my feelings, listing all the things I had done for her. Told her I was going to read a letter about my feelings because I was so angry. I can't tell you how good it felt to get it all out of me. Not that it changed things too much but it relieved me of the internal dialog I was carrying around.

I chose to help my husband

I chose to help my husband and her, true but this was before I found out that she was telling everyone only the negative aspects of me. I think teenagers especially seem to forget the good times and instead harp on the bad and sometimes they need a reminder that it isn't all bad. Once I heard what was being said behind my back, I stopped doing anything for my SD.

Stepaside----Oh how true , so

Stepaside----Oh how true , so true. Many of us have jumped into step parenting roles damned determined to prove we are not how society views a stepmother. Usually ends up a waste of energy.
ROLE CALL FOR THIS MISTAKE----MY HAND IS RAISED AND WAVING.

Yeah. We chose this role to

Yeah. We chose this role to Purposely torture these little people!

The ironic part is DH was

The ironic part is DH was divorced for over 10 years when I met him and the kids were the ones who kept pushing for him to marry me. Now I wonder if it was because of all the things they thought they'd get with me in the picture. I'm fine with SD being mad at me or never talking to me again but it was all worth it to get it off my chest once and for all.

I gotta agree with StepAside.

Once had 'the talk' with my husband's eldest. I had a goal all right, but it wasn't her goal

Thought by being blunt and calling a spade a spade was something she couldn't deny and might own up and grow up

Nope now I had just given her exactly what she wanted to set me up to look like the bad guy...which was her goal all along in this

Fortunately in my case everyone knew what she was truly like and all will agree whether they like it or not that she has issues, but it took a lot of time, with my marriage at risk. The scars remain and in the end it didn't solve a thing

If your goal is to get her to change her behavior, SA is right that it probably won't happen

If your goal is just to vent and get it off your chest regardless of the consequences, then I hope it works for you

I spoke to husband about this

I spoke to husband about this today...told him that if I was blunt...called a spade a spade...that I would become the lightening rod for the girl's anger(I have no doubt about this)
I have decided NOT to have a sit down chat. I don't think it would accomplish anything either.
I have decided I WILL speak my mind in the moment. I could care less that they will dislike me on a personal level...
For example: in husband's talk with SD19, they started discussing the land we will be buying in the Spring. She told her dad that she wants him to nip off a few acres for her and her boyfriend to live on. If I would have been there I would have spoke up immediately with a "not going to happen". If she wanted to know why not I would tell her why not. I don't want disrespectful family living that close to me and I don't want to look out my house window and see her BM driving past our place to go to hers. Thank goodness husband agrees with me on this.

I refuse to be the wimpy, scared step-mom letting SD's treat me with disrespect to my face. They can do it behind my back all they want since I have no desire to be around them anyways.
The family that she would badmouth me to, that might try to give husband grief, would be on the BM's side of the family and husband can't stand most of them anyways. Other than that the only ones that would take up "blunt-girl's" cause would be her sisters. But...they already do so that wouldn't be new.
Husband's siblings already think poorly of his girls' behaviors and don't have close relationships to those girls. Plus...most of them like me and have expressed appreciation to me for the change in their brother.
So...the girls badmouthing me to them wouldn't fly very far.

I think on this issue I'd be

I think on this issue I'd be as blunt as a hammer. Even if she wanted to purchase a few acres. Even if she and boyfriend could afford the associated costs.
I think she got this idea because that housewarming thing we are supposed to go to is for her sister, SD27, who built on a few acres close to her in-laws place.
I DON'T want someone as aweful as her living so close to me, if I can help it. For instance...she could buy a house down the block in this town and there would be sweet tweet I could do about it. I DO have a voice and options as to nipping off a few acres of our future land.
Right now all of Husband's girls live at least 30 minutes away.
Perfect.

These are my exact thoughts.

These are my exact thoughts. Certain people need to be kept at a distance to maintain peace and feelings of serenity. If you already know that they are jerks to you...why on earth have them move right next door, just because they are family?

If she thinks like a man,

If she thinks like a man, then this is what I would say: You are an adult and I don't owe you anything and neither does the world, so grow the F up! Signed, your Faher's Wife.

Yes...she has mentioned

Yes...she has mentioned several times that she believes that she thinks like a man.
and BadNanny...I like your thinking...lol

I agree with you about how

I agree with you about how the men in my life thought/behaved.
I've had other women claim to be "blunt" speaking when they were called on their tactless, rude comments.
What I found with them...and I have no doubt will with this SD...they cannot tolerate anyone being blunt and straight-forward
back to them. I will treat her as the adult that she is. I won't tolerate any behaviors from her that I wouldn't tolerate from
my friends or co-workers.
She isn't any type of "special snowflake" to me.

I think this SD thinks that

I think this SD thinks that man-thinking is more rational, logical and blunt than female-thinking. Less emotion driven.
Those of us watching from the outside see her as highly dramatic, emotionally out of control, given to screeching tantrums to the point of flopping onto the ground in a "seizure" type thing when she appears to be losing an argument. BM or Husband used to race with her to the ER when she did this. She had all the tests in the world done. She was perfectly fine. ER doctor wanted to call her on her fakery.

Husband found the best way to treat these episodes was to pick her up and dump her on her bed...shoo all her buddies and boyfriend out of her room to not give her any attention. Sure enough...within five minutes she was up and out and trying to be the center of attention of the group again.

Certainly not the behavior of any man I know. For that matter...I have never met females like this before either.

I agree that the stereotype

I agree that the stereotype is insulting and dismissive. I was married in the past to volatile, raging man. Being rational and calm doesn't have a gender.
I think she was trying to show some sort of solidarity with her dad...since in her former family he was the calm one in the middle of a house of 5 emotional women. He's still calm. Even in the face of a ranting daughter...he stays calm where I would probably tell her to knock it off. Problem here is...this SD is the most emotional of the lot of them.

She might want to align me with her mom and sisters in the overly dramatic female side...but that's only because that is what she knows from her family of origin. Females are allowed to be dramatic. It is expected during that "time of month" to because especially nasty. It's like it's their God given right to be self-indulgent in bad behavior and write it off as hormones. Blesh!
Hmmmm...just a thought here...I'm menopausal. Wonder if menopausal trumps premenstral in the area of emotional outlandishness?

I have been calm and quiet around her. I have no problem continuing that...except with a bit of deliberate calling out of current nasty behavior. If she flips out because of something I say...so be it. I'm not tippy-toeing around some kids for gosh sakes! I let Husband know that I refused to take verbal abuse from my own children...no way in hell I will take it from someone else's kids. They are NOT special snowflakes to me.

The "blunt" people I have known in the past say mean things and hold the banner of "I was just being honest" over their heads. As if that would excuse their insensitivity.

Thanks for leading me to the

Thanks for leading me to the term "relational aggression". It's dead on. Nice to know there's an actual word for "poisoning the well so that you are treated badly or even shunned".
I remember a clear example of it. I was chatting with the friendly SD19 about a corset dress she wanted to get. We were googling and I was showing her my favorite site. Her twin came in to the house, came over and said something snotty to me. End of friendly exchange. Nice twin closed up her laptop and didn't speak to me the rest of the day. There was already an "understanding" between the sisters on how they were to treat me...no friendliness allowed apparently.

Husband has dealt with this also. It used to be that he was warmly welcomed by SD27's inlaws. He helped wire their home...cut meat each fall for them, etc. After starting to date me the feeling off these people changed to coldness/rudeness. SD27 poisoned that well. When he tries to talk to her about it...he gets an earful from SD19...sometimes it ends up 3 on 1 against husband. nasty stuff.

He's slowly backing away and getting stronger.
I only have a relationship at this time with the nicer of the younger twins and her 2 year old sweet daughter. One on one she is fine. If in the presence of her twin...very standoffish.

I can sorelate to the

I can *so*relate to the oldest leading the youngest along. In most cases it is the BM in our situation, but i remember a heart-to-heart with the OSD back when we talked... it was my second attempt not at being blunt, but at having a better understanding of where she was coming from... i did not get it then - i really did not see the depths of her narcissism... she was quietly hostile. Sitting on my bed, in my home, after a dinner i cooked, she was telling me how she was going to always treat me with suspicion and how she always talked to me the way she talked to her paternal grandparents... 26 degrees of separation, while i was hoping for a lessening of the distance. She ended the sweet talk by saying, "and if... XYZ is not in place ( i forget what it was, some condition), YSD will stop coming over." She could guarantee it. Not "I would not come over", the YSD will not. I was dumb-founded: DH and i catered to their every whim, took them on trips, to the theater, to the opera, movies, all the while he was paying CS for 3 kids and alimony... so i essentially subsidized their lifestyle, i took them instead of my kids on certain outings... hearing her words, i let her leave the room and just sat there thinking.

Today I regret DEEPLY not throwing her out of my house there and then. For some reason i keep going back to this episode wondering how i could have ended it differently. I should have called out to DH in a bright, happy voice, asked the OSD to repeat what she had said to me, declared that i would not tolerate threats on my turf, and sent them all packing.. I should have seized the initiative. It would have probably looked ridiculous had i done that... but i would have felt less ridiculous than i feel now. The cat was baring her claws and i meekly let slip. I do not do meekness usually. That took me by surprise.

This one is a game player.

This one is a game player. She is still the same young woman that through herself on the floor to keep daddy's undying love and attention, she is just getting cleverer at the game. It's a bait.

Go with what feels right to you but be careful of this one.

I agree with you on being

I agree with you on being careful of this one. Of the 4 daughters...two won't be too much of a problem, I don't think. One of the older set wrote her dad off immediately upon separation. She joined accounts with her mom to skim monies from the family the year before separation...encouraged her mom to leave...has had zero to do with him. Her twin is the one that is playing keep away with the grandkids to punish him.
Of the younger set...the one I speak of hear is the most difficult of all 4 girls. Her twin mostly stays out of the fray. Has a daughter of her own that we get to visit with often. This one will occasionally jump in and warn us that by doing something her sister will be pissed off. Well...when isn't her sister pissed off? She too was pretty aweful at the start of our dating..but she's come a long way in growing up.

You're right...so far I

You're right...so far I haven't given them much to use against me. Although...because of me they are pissed at the changes in their Dad.
Right at our wedding she bitched about how her dad dances now...wears cowboy boots...reads books...even ticked that he is dressing nicer...unbelievable. I was glad to hear that Husband assured her that he would CONTINUE to change:)

They want things the way they used to be. An unchanged Dad in the same house...in the same town..available at a moments notice to run, fetch and carry for them...but to stay out of their business until then.

I agree that she would become

I agree that she would become a raging psycho if I said anything that she could take offense at. I did laugh my ass off at her assertion of being manly.
She also claims to handle pain/illness like a man.
If by a man she means milking it for all the possible sympathy she can? How about being labelled a "frequent flyer" at the city ER department? How about daily postings on Facebook about headaches, muscle aches, period cramps...Nobody has suffered like she has suffered...etc, etc

Lol...yes...you're just

Lol...yes...you're just terrible:))
As for urinating like a man...she does sort of have a dildo...her boyfriend.
I watch her with her boyfriend. I would liken her to a domineering MOTHER to him...not the MAN of the house. Boyfriend didn't wash his hair to her satisfaction one day...she took him to the bathroom and washed his hair again. He is also only allowed to read in the bathroom...tells him how to cut his food properly...he doesn't say a peep.

Blech! I'm shocked that boyfriends' parents don't tell him to run like the wind from her...especially his Dad. I'm glad that's not MY problem to deal with.

This is funny. Thanks for the

This is funny. Thanks for the laugh.

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SD19 says she wants me to be blunt.