Survey - do you think adult SDs want to hear positive attributes about their SM from DH?
Forums:
I personally don't.
DH says he tells OSD good things about me because of he is proud of me, and that OSD has never told him to stop.
I think he is fueling the fire and building her animosity against me. I think even if she has never told him to stop, she is seething inside. I think the SDs in general hate the fact that the SM has a single positive attribute, because it is our positive attributes that got the DHs to marry us in the first place. And I think that when we have something negative happen to us, SDs think we deserve every bit of it. Maybe not all SDs think this way, but OSD already has an issue with me.
Curious for other opinions.
I am not a step child, and I
I am not a step child, and I don't have an adult step child.. just an 8 year old. BUT I think it depends on the relationship between step parent and step child. DH may be trying to change OSD's opinion about you but that may be going about it the wrong way if it doesn't seem to be getting any better. Maybe you should take some enjoyment in the fact that DH brags about how wonderful you are and OSD is seething inside
NO, they don't like hearing
NO, they don't like hearing it; but if you say good things about people at the right time and place it does not put bad thoughts in someone's mind.
Be thankful that your DH says good things about you.
My own mess is because my DH betrayed me to SD and I could do nothing right, say nothing right, blah...blah...blah
Then SD57 threw DH under the bus in a 2 page hate email addressed to me; and all hell broke loose. This betrayal had been going on for 14 years; I thought everything was going fine. I was busy with my career and taking care of DH (disabled). Obviously DH had too much time on his hands, as did SD.
The leak was 4 years ago and it still flares it's ugly head, when SD comes around.
At least your DH is not running you down to SD.
If I was recognized as good
If I was recognized as good at anything you could see SD's nostrils flare out. My DH rarely, if ever, bragged about my attributes to SD - that I knew of. I don't think it made any difference either way. SD hated the ground I walked on. The same might be true for you. At least your DH doesn't put you down to SD - that's worse.
Actually yes, because the
Actually yes, because the more successful they are in their adult lives the less I have to worry about them trying to mooch and move back in. DH actually said these words to me early in our marriage,"ss31's mother kicked him out because he got fired and has been smoking pot all day." Not news I want to hear ever again because that means he'll come begging daddy for money or shelter.
I agree with HRNYC. I have
I agree with HRNYC. I have two SD's. I have a better relationship with YSD and I like to hear how she is doing. But OSD is a very different story. And I don't even like seeing the kooky way she spells her name. And I have no doubt she finds me equally cringeworthy. She had formed "Team OSD" "Team SM" before I became aware of it. No one wants to hear positives about someone they perceive as being on the enemy team.
Sure, HRNYC, I enjoy hearing
Sure, HRNYC, I enjoy hearing positive things about my SS. It means he's not currently being a screw-up. Yay! Always good to hear.
To the actual poll question....husband sings my praises (always has) to just about anybody who will listen to him. SS has heard it all plenty of times. For the most part SS and I have always had a decent relationship. Sure, we've had our moments, and yes, it's worse when SS goes into 'where did I leave my brain' mode. He's human. He's made mistakes. I'm human. I've made mistakes. Overall, after all these years, we do pretty well together, and when he's on my sh*t , he avoids me for a while. He's an adult and he is going to make mistakes and do human stupid stuff, I don't take pleasure in it. It's more an 'ok, now pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again.
He's currently dodging SM (me, who he calls Mom ) as he knows I'm not happy over the way he and SGS are handling the baby (SGS and his on again/off again GF just had a child). This too shall pass.
I DID hear good things about
I DID hear good things about SD from DH and I was fine with it. In fact it would be great to hear that SD was going to try mutual respect. But I doubt this will happen. There are a lot of SDs who seem to have a problem with any kind word for SMs. One time SD, as an adult, got mad and wouldn't speak to me because DH wished me a Happy Birthday. Ridiculous!
I've known my SM since I was
I've known my SM since I was 6. She is one of the nicest and hardest working women I have ever known. I am very fortunate. I wish my dad would say something nice about her. He is one of the meanest men I have ever known. He treats her like utter dirt. She would leave him but she stays because of her religious beliefs. Just a very different step dynamic I had growing up.
I've wondered before if I had a more normal family, would I have had the feelings that a stepdaughter frequently has? Maybe it's hard for me to empathize because my situation was so different.
"what he probably would be
"what he probably would be saying is his opinion of how my mother sucks in comparison."
Well at least you're being honest and giving us insight into how jealous skids think. Everything about SM is compared to BM. SM cannot exist as her own person but only in relation to how she compares to BM. SM cannot have any positive qualities because that would take away from BM. I can say with all certainty that anytime I praise DH for something it's not to put down exH. Actually I rarely think of or speak of exH unless the kids bring him up or for some necessary reason and then I always keep it positive or neutral.
I can assure you that your father does not compare your SM to your mother over every little thing and unless there is some unrequited love issue he probably rarely thinks of her.
^ This. I doubt your father
^ This. I doubt your father is giving his ex any thought when praising his wife. Also your statement explains why he only talks about the bad. He knows you will not welcome any good comments and immediately see it as an attack on BM.
Your father only has one
Your father only has one wife. Sorry, but your mother and father are no longer married so BM is no longer his wife.
The 'big reveal!' It's out!
The 'big reveal!' It's out! LOL LOL
And there it is. A lot of
And there it is. A lot of Step kids still think their dad is married to BM. "His two wives". Lol lol.
And that, right there, is the
And that, right there, is the quintessential issue stepmother's face.
The kids still see the mom as dad's wife. They probably feel like SM replaced BM for their dad...and worry she will replace them, too. Especially if she has kids.
They may backpedal and say they don't... blah blah blah... but deep down - they clearly subconsciously perceive any good said about SM to be a slight against BM, even if the comment has nothing to do with her.
mmmm, SM's cooking is sooo good - kid interprets as Man, BM's cooking was crap....
Not what was said, Not what was meant, but Kid naturally subconsciously grasps onto their negative perception and BAM, wedge is there and/or inserted further.
It's subconscious. Can't help it. A stepkid may love their stepparent... but the bio parent will always be the original. Even 5, 10, 20, 30 years later from divorce... they still see their own mother as The Wife.
As the mother of my skids has
As the mother of my skids has passed away (before I met him), any positive thing about me is like wrecking the grave and memory card of their mother, in and particular SD loves to remind DH of all their amazing family times, of how great a cook her mother was, what a wonderful smiley person she was etc. Anything positive about me makes her increase her game of perpetuating hr mums perfect ways. She cleans her halo to make it extra shiny! I don't mind this at all except that she plays the 'the world owes me' card and treats dh like a doormat. Of course he can't see it cos daughter is perfect just like her mum!!!
When I was a single mother,
When I was a single mother, there was a man I almost dated who was a widower. 4 young kids, 2 of them daughters. I knew in my gut to keep my distance. So glad I did.
S Lamb you're obviously a lot
S Lamb you're obviously a lot wiser than me! I stupidly assumed the skids were adults And therefore mature (hahaha how stupid of me).
Adult children who have a late parent regularly polish mums halo which means no one else can be accepted into the family as it would disrespect her memory to accept a sm!
Hope that makes sense!
Not sure I am wiser....I
Not sure I am wiser....I assumed the almost 30 year old skids would act like adults and would therefore be mature. Not a widower situation.
But I heard that man has been dating the same woman for around 15 years. They are both widowers. I heard he didn't want to get married because of step family dynamics. He wanted to wait until the kids were adults. As if the problems went away then. Now they are all adults, and they are still not married. Way to have your kids rule your life...
Yes you tiptoe with a widower
Yes you tiptoe with a widower and adult skids and give them more slack. Unfortunately that just makes the. spoilt brats worse.
I take flowers with my dh to her grave etc which is more than the skids do! Which I don't mind as it supports dh.
It's always great to talk to sane people on here
Ava if you are in the UK then
Ava if you are in the UK then why are still awake? Or are you up early? Lol
Dh has man flu so I decided
Dh has man flu so I decided to sleep on sofa tonight but am not sleeping, have to be up for work in less than 4 hours, but it's really nice to be able to chat in ' real time'. ! X
dup
dup
Same! Only my DH was divorced
Same! Only my DH was divorced and remarried to his second wife when his first wife OD'd on meth. To hear the step kids talk their BM was the MOTY and her and DH had the perfect marriage. They like to forget that she was an addict who left when their youngest was 6 months old and DH and her were divorced when she died.
I think when you dislike
I think when you dislike someone you dislike everything about them. The things they do, the things they say, the way they act.
If someone else, whom you did like, acted the same way or said the same things you wouldn't be as perturbed by them.
The reasons you dislike them in the first place can come from anywhere but once have feelings of dislike or hate, you rarely change those feelings.
I worked in a company with other sister companies. My boss was different from the other girls in the office. My boss was great, their boss was a total micro managing ass.
Everything he did annoyed me and I did the same to him.
One day I had a private call and asked the other girls if I could close our office door. I didn't mind them hearing it but I didn't want anyone walking down the hall to hear it.
This a$$ boss, threw a fit because I closed the door. He didn't think it was appropriate and he went to my boss about it.
My boss pointed out that he often closed his door when he was making a private call. A$$ boss's response, "That's different, I like you."
So if your SD doesn't like you, nothing your DH says is going to change her mind. You could do everything exactly as her precious BM does it and still she'd find a way to spin it and make it a bad thing.
So true! you will never
So true! you will never please them because they hate your intrusion into THEIR family. I wouldn't mind that, it's the tiring games which drag me down cos dh can't see any if it and never will.
Nope - no skid regardless of
Nope - no skid regardless of age wants to hear how nice SM is and what she does for them.....
to skid SM is the devil who's standing between her parents..... and SM is the one who's taking away Daddy's love and money
Who cares what the kids want
Who cares what the kids want to hear? Not me. Kids should be informed of the facts that influence their blended family lives. All of the facts... in an age appropriate manner.
They should be given a line by line review of the CO, any historical information that applies including arrest and criminal records, financial performance in the support of the kids, etc, etc, etc......
Kids need these facts so that they can be prepared to protect themselves from a toxic manipulative blended family element as adults.
Facts are neither good nor bad...they are merely facts and they are important. The behaviors that result in the facts are key.
Of course your DH should highlight your positives with his children. Those are part of the facts.... and no doubt his adults kids are full of stories from their own lives regarding their spouses and kids. If dad has to hear those stories why shouldn't he tell stories about his life including awesome stuff about his bride?
No, I don't think they do. To
No, I don't think they do. To them, a stepparent is an interloper taking Mommeeeeee's or Daddeeeeee's attention away from the skids.
No. My oldest SD in
No. My oldest SD in particular is too stupid and narcissistic to keep her mouth shut when presented with a good,free lunch.
Conversely, I get a perverse thrill when I hear this particular skid has had a "fall". I know it's wrong but it's the only thing that seems to salve my butt-hurt after years of disrespect and waste good faith efforts on my part. That part is on me - we are way beyond fool me twice.
Welcome, Edpal. I 've been
Welcome, Edpal. I 've been disengaged for over a year, and things are much different now than they were then. I hope that disengaging works for you, if you feel the rest of your marriage is worth saving. My marriage had one problem - a middle aged SD who is histrionic, needy and a delicate snowflake, and DH was so scared of upsetting his wounded doe because he knew from past experience that she would punish him if she did not get her way. And that's exactly where we are now....her punishing him. And he had to see her behavior with his own eyes and take the brunt of it on his own; I was not willing to be Mrs. Doormat to his Mr. Doormat.
I understand the perverse thrill when the skid has a fall. But before you get too excited, google the drama triangle. You don't want this skid to EVER be perceived as a victim to mommy......mommy will want to come save her poor victim DD. Your wife gets her self-esteem buttered up by being Savior Mommy. She is not doing her child any favors. Mommy is the reason why the child is the way she is; she has to been allowed to grow up, fail and figure out how to pick herself back up.
If the marriage is worth saving, read up on disengagement from the experts here. Since your wife wants to play Rescuer to her adult daughter who is married, tell her you support her having a healthy relationship with her child. Since things have been tense for a while, you prefer to let the relationship be between mother and daughter. Don't do a thing for someone who does not appreciate your kindness; it does not matter if it is your spouses child.