Things never change! Major vent
DH went to visit OSD and the Glorious Perfect Spawn in the Holy Land and all was initially fine upon his return.
He’s been home 5 days and we have gotten along. A few times I almost asked questions. Then today, it slipped out “did you and OSD discuss the issues or have you finally laid them to rest?” I knew as soon as it was out of my mouth I made a mistake.
He stuttered, yes, he had asked OSD what it would take for these problems to go away.
He asked HER what it would take? She’s the f###ing cause! I expected a remorseful sincere apology with some insight into her behavior, and he's asking HER what it would take?? LOLOLOLOL
Why would I want to reconcile with someone who said I was not family, has displayed zero empathy when I had issues in my life, tried to convince him I was emotionally abusing him, was mad that he did not pat her on the back for her bad behavior but finally defended me instead (in her mind she should always defend his daughter no matter what she does). There are too many things over the years to list.
He said a year ago I texted her Happy Mother’s Day being the first one to reach out and he was unhappy that she didn’t respond. DH said she got defensive, said she did respond to my text, and also said she texted me happy birthday in July also.
Nope, she did not.
DH said he brought it up because he was upset she did not text me back. Jeez, a year later he is upset about it? He said I have been very agreeable talking about that part of the family lately, so he thought I was amenable to reconciling.
What?
No, you DuH, disengagement worked. It's easy to talk about them now because I DON'T CARE. About any of them.
He said he knew we would never sing kumbaya together or go on vacations together. But he had to bring it up anyway, since she is his Special Princess.
He also said he brought it up because he felt that the elephant in the room was still there while visiting. So I told him yep that was the whole problem. He was uncomfortable with the elephant. But the whole problem was their dysfunctional relationship where he had to do what she wanted or else he was punished, and that had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. That had been going on for years before he met me.
I told him I didn’t care in the slightest she didn’t text me back a year ago. But now she thinks I did, thanks to him. Bet she is loving that.
Yeah, so disengagement might work, but don't let your DH know or he might think you want to reconcile with poorly behaved child.
Ugh, I know, things never
Ugh, I know, things never change. The adult skids cannot seem to ever take responsibility for their actions when it comes to treating SM's or SF's like garbage.
And, the mindset of some DH's. Oh sure, we just want to reconcile with disrespectful adult skids who do not want us as part of their "perfect" dysfunctional families. Not sure why they think we would ever want to play nice with anyone who has told us they hate us, wish we were not around, etc. At least in my case. I could never trust these hateful skids or their brood who has been taught to dislike me as well.
I bet if my DH had the same conversation with adult skids, they would lie as yours did and say they texted me back. Their games never change.
Yes, disengagement is great. I use to care and wanted to at least be welcome into their little clan. No more, I disengaged and I simply don't care what they think about me. I no longer go out of my way to please them or anyone they enrolled into their hate campaign. In the long run, It isn't worth it.
It is good you and your DH can talke about things.
My OSD has verbally stated I
My OSD has verbally stated I am not family (so she should not have to communicate with me directly).
Sure, sign me up for more!
That in itself is enough for me to say I want nothing to do with her.....without listing the rest of the divisive insulting crap she has done.
Yes, I am lucky that now we can talk about things. It has not always been like that. He truly is a good man, just a softie and clueless.
Your DH has no backbone.
I am not saying that you should move more then an inch. Or it’s ever going to be the happy family, because SD will always be mad at something. And it it’s always going to be Your Faul. Buy maybe you can’t with a little begging from DH, go to dinner at a restaurant with SD. Or do something else, where you kinda have a say in the day
never to allowed in your home again, never to do anything for her, but if DH wants to spend the day running around pleasing two woman. I would be ready to open up the pop corn and watch the fun. Then it becomes DH fault if the day god wrong
Fortunately she lives far
Fortunately she lives far away, I am not allowed in her home, so I never need to see her.
OH WOW!
Sacrificial, one step forward two steps back.
Tons of empathy here.
Hi Lamby,
Hi Lamby,
Even disengagement at its finest, has its ups and downs. Like you stated, can you fully ever 100% disengage? I am not certain you can either, because something will rear its ugly your head your way---even if you are walking down a totally different path on purpose.
I just try to remember with the juvenile games begin, it is so much better than when I tried to fit in a place I was never welcomed in the first place. Just like you, when things are going well you think, hey it is over.....but no...it is not; there's something sick lurking around the corner. Most of the time, it is on purpose in an attempt to draw us back into the web. But at least we know where NOT to go now and we have accepted our reality.
Too funny, "What will it take?" OMG....what a good question for DH...... mine, and many other spouses on this site.
What will it take????????
You can disengage, but when
You can disengage, but when you are no longer upset about the behavior of the adult princess, the DH assumes you want to "reconcile."
As if I were ever "conciled".
I was treated as an outsider from the start. Let me stay on the outside please. In my own home.
There's a rich relative about to pass away and DH stands to inherit quite a bit.....things should be interesting in the future.
To discuss or not discuss
Disengagement is an eternal question. I think in your case Lamby, you may want to go back to your DH and matter of factly tell him that since you and SD have no relationship, there is no reason for him to discuss anything further in that regard. Therefore, from this day forward you will not ask about SD nor discuss her and he should not talk about YOU to SD. It should be considered off-limit territory. If SD brings it up, he should calmly say, "I will not discuss Lamby with you, just as I don't talk about you to Lamby."
This needs to be his mantra from this day forward. And should you slip and ask about SD, he should say the same thing to you, too.
I have learned not to even ask about SD and it is so much better when I don't. If something comes up with SD (like her new pregnancy) and my SO tells me, then I offered the same response I would to someone on the street and drop the subject. "Oh, she's pregnant again - I'm sure she and her husband are thrilled and wish them all the best."
I haven't said a word about it since. But it will be tough since it is the first grandchild - I know as the baby's birth draws nearer, it will be more challenging since my SO will understandably be very emotional and excited about it. I will, however, maintain my stance of not asking and only providing neutral responses when necessary.
Good luck with that. Things
Good luck with that. Things will undoubtedly and unfortunately get much harder.
Hi Sacrificial - What you do
Hi Sacrificial - What you do is not talk about them at all. When your DH brings them up just change the subject or go umhum, that's nice, and tune out.
As you know, with me I kept getting dragged back into the net by H and his daughter. Now I REFUSE to hear anything abaout her, PERIOD. I don't want to know anything about her and her crazy "babies" and sorry excuse for a husband. I find, that by setting this line, with the help of counseling and some touchy times when H want's to bring her up, I am so much happier. Still have a way to go in teaching my H.
I agree!
When I disengaged from SD and gave DH the choice of working on the marriage or leaving I let him know I did not want to be involved in SD's life by changing the subject every time he brought it up and resisting the urge to ask about her. I made the mistake of asking about her a few years ago and when DH's eyes lit up I knew to shut down the conversation ASAP. It's been over 8 years and it has gotten better with each year. I can't imagine her in my life now.
You are doing the right thing, SDM. It sounds like you are making progress. Eventually your DH will learn any and all comments about Twit are not welcome.
i watch as the adult skids
i watch as the adult skids make messes of their life. i stand on the side lines and laugh up my sleeve. heaven knows i tried to be a role model and help them in their adult lives but they wanted no part of it. i would offer advice and it would be thrown back in my face.
child rearing, nutrition and whatever eles the skids want no part of it. so i watch them make a mess of their own childrens lifes. sad but its not my problem.
I understand why you do what
I understand why you do what you do, but how does that work, ignoring him talking about his kids? For normal people kids and them their grands are their lives.
I look at it as disengagement
I look at it as disengagement happens on levels and is not necessarily an either-or deal. I’d put never having anything to do with SKs and never even speaking about them again with DH at a level 10 (on a scale from 1-10). Hard core. Some do make that decision, and since I don’t know their history, I’d imagine if they don’t even want to speak about any of the SKs again there is probably a rationale for that in their case.
For me, I’d say I’m disengaged at about a level 6 right now. If DH speaks with his kids, I’m fine talking about them with him, or sometimes I even ask him about them. It is actually more of the role of SM I am disengaging from than my SKs themselves, so I am still interested in and curious about their lives and SGKs’ lives. If we are invited to do anything with them, I may or may not go, depending. DH can certainly go on his own if he chooses to.
There are many other pieces to disengaging as well. For example, both of my SKs are independent adults with families of their own; however, if they were still young or in college, you’d have to deal with or figure out how to disengage whenever they are in your home and about, etc. There are books about disengagement but it’d be nice if someone wrote a book specifically about that topic and step-parenting.