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OSD Playing the "I'll walk out of your life card" and just never learns!

Disillusioned's picture

Over a year ago OSD cut DH (us) out of her life

She has a history of playing this card whenever she doesn't get what she wants 

As early in life as about 10 years old (didn't know her or DH then) but that was when DH & BM split and the first time OSD pulled that on DH by deciding she didn't want to see him for scheduled visitations. BM apparently didn't give OSD a choice in the matter and she saw DH on his scheduled visitation 

The next time OSD pulled this was a few years later when DH & I had been together for about a year or so. OSD was having lots of issues with BM and her SO, OSD couldn't stand BM's SO (OSD's SF) and gave BM an ultimatum - it was her or SF. Again, BM didn't put up with that crap and told OSD that if she couldn't stand living with her and her SO then she could go live with DH (especially becuase OSD at the time made it clear that she just loved, loved, LOVED me - I now know her well enough to know it was simply manipulation) DH & I had just moved in toghether about a week before but whatever, I was certainly fine with it, and in moved angry then 16 OSD

The next time OSD played this card was a couple of years after she moved in with us and living with DH & I filltime. She became extremely jealous and insecure about the relationship between DH & I, and after working steadily at trying to create a wedge between DH & I and not doing so to her sastisfaction, she gave DH an ultimation: it was her or me. Like BM, DH didn't give in to OSD's demand and she became even angrier and not only moved back in with BM, refused to rarely set foot in our home, and the only time we saw her was family event's of DH's in which she treated us, me in particular, with frightening hostility and exclusion. The harder we (I) tried to fix the situation the more OSD upped her antics. She basically forced me into a unwanted disengagement - since she basically did nothing more than snarl at me and make something close to animal noises when I was stupid enough to simply say hello to her - I finally gave her want she "wanted" and stopped trying. This was after going through sheer shock, denial, hurt, anger and sadness to finally acceptance that the SD I thought adored me and who I had up until then adored back, in fact depised the ground I walked on. And when I reached the acceptance stage of this, I refused to do so with anything other than an upbeat positive demeanor at absolutely every family function of DH's family, which eventually I think led to OSD taking steps to reenage with me

For the years that followed OSD when through her cycles and of hate/love with me until I caught on and stopped enabling her mistreatment towards me. 

Once she had sgkids however she had a new card to play

She wasted no time in playing that card

This time it was directed at BM. Once again over BM's SO. OSD demanded that when she come over during the holidays that BM's SO leave the house - even though he lived there - as OSD felt Christmas for example was for her and YSD and their families to spend with BM only, and BM's SO could go spend it with 'his own family' When OSD's SF didn't cooperate, OSD refused to go to BM's place and BM went 1, 2 maybe 3 years without seeing OSGS because OSD withheld him. Eventually it was sorted out by a meeting with BM, her SO and OSD and that poor man - OSD's SF - was kissing ass by the looks of it, so BM could see her grandson

But OSD didn't stop there, as soon as DH did any little thing she didn't like, we didn't get to see sgkids. Even when we had a visit with them scheduled for a weekend and all sorts of activities lined up, at the last minute OSD said nope, not happening. 

But of course last year was the ultimate, when once again she felt jealous of DH standing up when OSD and SIL were deliberately trying to manipulate DH & I, OSD played this card once again

I'm amazed that she plays it over and over - especially with us - thinking it gives her power and that she might get what she wants. Which is of course to make DH choose her over me and DH refuses to participate in this game 

She fully expects that although she has cut us out; doesn't acknowledge DH on his birhtday, or Father's Day, or mine (not that she ever does acknowledge mine) but boy, if DH isn't right on the phone calling her on her birthday she is outraged. 

DH did not call OSD this year on her birthday after all that, but I know it was very hard for him not to call sgkids on their birthdays. And we would have if we could actually talk to them but no way OSD would allow it even so much as to pass on the message. 

But I think by DH & I once again giving OSD what she says she "wants" instead of playing into her power trip, she has lost - not gained - any power in this situation. All she has accomplished is losing all opportunity to get what she wants from DH, and all ability to manipulate this situation any longer

Silly girl! 

sandye21's picture

Some people never learn!  Some day down the road the Step Grandkids are going to wonder why they never got to know their Grand parents.  Perhaps in a couple of years she will decide to embrace you again, and that possibly short time frame they will really get to know you and have good memories of you.   OSD can lie all she wants, play her games, but eventually the truth is going to come out.

Good for you that DH and you are demonstrating to OSD that you are a united couple.

Disillusioned's picture

Thanks Sandye...I know you have been through your share of step-related crap too, and value your input! 

somethingwicked's picture

Good Riddance . I know you and DH hurt b/c of the grands being held hostage and /or used like pawns by this very twisted  person. Until toxic OSD has a revelation, a Come to Jeezuz moment or struck by lightening, survives and suddenly realizes  how damaging her behavior /actions are to her children and family she will never change.

My DH OSD is an exact replica of the description that you gave of your OSD.

Selfish, self absorbed ,hurtful ,cruel.AND she used the grands as weapons .Now he,DH,  has not seen them in 3-4years. Very sad.

The choice was keep chasing her ,get spurned and used with a slim hope that she would allow the grands to speak on the phone with their GF for a moment  or put her on ignore .

Life is better, amazingly calm and drama free  with her out of ours. 

Disillusioned's picture

Yes I agree somethingwicked, and I think your SD and mine are one in the same! Yes, the amazing upside when our skids pull this is exactly as you say; a calm and drama-free life follows! 

TwelveLongYrs79's picture

when she’s successfully cut EVERYONE out of her life and had no one to turn to (because I see that path) she’ll pull her head out of her posterior and realize what she’s done. Although with her track record it’s not looking like that’ll ever happen...

Disillusioned's picture

That would be amazing Twelve...but ya, this one never sees the error of her ways and if/when she does, she feels she's far above an apology or change of action! 

Focused_onourlife's picture

Oh my this is my OSD minus SGK's. Only my OSD did this crap every year for years. 6 months on 6 months off and back on when my DH wasn't chasing her hard enough only to visit one time and go back home mad again. It's crazy making and clearly is not getting her the results she's hoping for.

Once your DH miss 2 or 3 birthday calls your SD will probably come crawling back like mine did. In a "I'm still here and your DD" attempt, but DH didn't bend into a pretzel with her like he did in the past. My DH actually banned my OSD from visiting until her attitude changes in our home about 3 years ago (well 1 trial visit about a year and a half ago) and while she was furious and blamed me for the ban of course, she knew she had to grow up or stay away. She told DH she wanted to work on their relationship and was trying to let go of her issues 2 years ago. DH still threads lightly and according to YSD, OSD still post 'abandonment daddy articles' on social media (DH isn't on sm) once in a while so she will probably never change just trying to get better at hiding it because she's tired of being left out.

Like you said, these manipulative supposedly adult SD's never learns. Your DH is doing right by not letting her run the show.

Disillusioned's picture

That's interesting Focused, my SD's cycles are usually a few years on and a few years off, yours is 6 months - Wow that would drive me nuts. Your SD clearly wants to hang on, but like mine, wants everything on her terms. Let's hope she doesn't reproduce anytime soon! But good for you & your DH for standing up to her treatment! 

sammigirl's picture

I always said, "give them rope enough they will hand themselves."

Also i now enjoy karma's visits. 

 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

As long as your SD has flying monkeys within the family who support and encourage her toxic behavior, things aren't likely to change. As you are aware, there are parallels between your in laws and mine, and I've found time changes nothing as behaviors and practices become more ingrained as skids age. 

The best thing we can do is not play the game at all and stay away from the toxicity. My DH and I have accepted how things are, and choose to seek our own happiness rather than cater to the crazy. I'm sure you and your DH do the same, and it probably bothers the h@ll out of these twisted females.

 

Disillusioned's picture

Oh yes Exjulie - lots of parallels with our inlaws. Good for you & your DH for not participating. This is exactly the space DH & I are in right now. 

While DH misses the sgkids of course, and it's painful for him that his own DD refuses to have anything to do with him/us, even DH is far less stressed these days, and we're enjoying our life without the drama and toxicity that we endured for so long

For my part, yes, totally enjoying my life and not having to deal with the nastiness any longer. I'm sure both SIL and OSD snoop on my social media and bet it drives them nuts that all they see is all the fun DH & I are having along with my family and our friends

YSD of course talks to us regularly and I'm sure goes right back to SIL and OSD, but all YSD ever hears from us is how great we are! 

I know from OSD's hate/love cycles in the past, what gets her every time is not getting the attention she seeks when she pulls this. She believes it gives her power and if we run after her trying to 'salvage' the relationship to quote her own words, she will never change. But when she sees she's in fact lost all power because we've haven't come runing after her and she can't manipulate us, generally she starts putting on the 'it's all okay, I've forgiven you' act 

Harry's picture

Let DH handle the drama,  no need to get high blood pressure over SD.  Just make sure he not giving her the farm as in $$$$. 

MissTexas's picture

Sounds like you and DH are onto her headgames and on the same page.

Who wants to engage with an emotional parhana? (mammals may be attacked if there is a school of parhanas) 

These games are nothing more than being eaten alive, metaphorically. Stop the insanity by not going back for more of the same. These types always need their prey to play the game with. When you bow out, they have to search for fresh meat.

piegirl's picture

"This was after going through sheer shock, denial, hurt, anger and sadness to finally acceptance that the SD I thought adored me and who I had up until then adored back, in fact depised the ground I walked on."

I so know this feeling - it's truly horrible and I don't think I am totally through it yet. My OSD insisted that at a recent function that DH could attend but made it clear that I was definitely not invited. For the first time (and with some useful counsellor discussions) he decided that he needed to stand up for his marriage and not allow this sort of exclusion and bad behaviour to occur. 

A week later was sgkids birthday and OSD wouldn't let DH speak to or see sgkid...it's just terrible the way these grown women behave!!

Disillusioned's picture

Wow pie, how horribly manipulative! I really feel for you. And yes it amazes me how these grown women will use their own children as a tool to get back at our DH's, just because they might have an issue with us

It is so hurtful, so damaging :( 

So very sad! 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

It hurt DH and I considerably to be cut off from the gskids, and I sometimes wonder what they think of things. The elder is grown now, and has texted DH twice, but that's it. Their mother has a filthy temper, so perhaps they've learned that it's best not to buck the system.

I don't think OSD will ever change her stance. She can't stand being crossed or criticized in any way, and lacks the tools to navigate disagreements. The only reason she got closer for a period is she smelled money, and wanted to get as much out of us as possible. When we lived forty miles away, we only saw OSD on gift giving holidays (not that we ever received anything). But when we moved a few miles from her, OSD reveled in the idea that her Daddee was now living closer to her, and expected us to spoil her regularly.

OSD is a bully, a black and white thinker with a "win at all cost" attitude, and never admits when she's wrong. Even after our falling out, she continued to escalate by sending DH letters (silly when we're literally an eight minute drive from her house) listing all the reasons she was right, how she's never done anything wrong, and how she never did anything to upset "your wife". I was Mom when she wanted to exploit us, and demoted to an object when I stood up to her. 

You can't reason with a narcissist, so we don't try to. And DH will never forgive OSD for cutting the gskids off from us. It's just a sad state of affairs that didn't have to go down this way, and her children are the ones who've missed out on the most.

Disillusioned's picture

Wow Exjulie, that is really and truly awful...and completley amazes me LOL that not only are your inlaws like mine but your SD is the same as mine 100%. 

Such a hurtful situation and my heart goes out to you and your DH

Very happy to hear your DH supports you though...I think even our DH's are pretty much one in the same haha

Wishing you all the best and that down the road, your sgkids will see through your SD's drama