Shove the SM off the grandma shelf?
Washington Post Advice Column today:
Hello, Carolyn:
My husband’s parents are divorced and both remarried. My mother-in-law’s husband is wonderful, but my father-in-law’s wife is overbearing in every sense of the word. She is also very critical of my husband, myself, my sister-in-law and her husband.
When my sister-in-law had a baby, my father-in-law’s wife suddenly became even MORE overbearing toward her. What irks me most is that the wife insists on referring to herself as grandma. I don’t want my future child to call her grandma, nor do I want her referring to herself that way.
My child will have two wonderful grandmothers — this woman is not going to be one of them. How can I politely ask her not expect to be called grandma by my children?
HELP
Nothing like riding a stream of contempt for someone, then landing, thump, at a straight-faced request to express this contempt “politely.”
You neither can, should, nor have any business trying to, shove The Wife off the grandma shelf. Even if she’s every bit as negative as you say, her grandma spot is secured by marriage. Deal with it. Or get ready to explain “politely” that “wonderful” Stepdad can’t be Grandpa.
Plus, she might be one more person in your child’s corner.
If inspiration eludes you, consider this: The more you push her away, the more overbearing and critical you can expect her to get.
Why? Because those two traits are classic (if obnoxious and counterproductive) self-promotion. They’re the tools of people desperate to assert their value. The more value you deny her, the harder her wheels will spin.
Grit out some pleasant engagement instead — including, when she gets mean, “I’d appreciate your support, not criticism.” Diplomacy, not war.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-in-a-once-clos...
Disillusioned, this one is
Disillusioned, this one is for you!
Nice strong language: "You neither can, should, nor have any business trying to, shove The Wife off the grandma shelf. Even if she’s every bit as negative as you say, her grandma spot is secured by marriage. Deal with it. "
This is bullshit. Just
This is bullshit.
Just because you marry someone doesn't make you entitled to certain titles later. My father's wife is the devil, has stolen from me, lied, etc and she will not be "grandma" to my kids. Period.
This is up to the son to
This is up to the son to decide what the kids will call her. My thoughts are what does it hurt? Now, my mom had this situation with one of her grandchildren and had issues with the wife of my BIL's dad, being called grandma and my sister told her to get over it. It was what it was.
Mom felt that was reserved for the bio grandparents. My sister and the other grandma who is friends with the newer wife, had no issue with it. The grandkid is now 14 and she has lots of grandmas and it works for her. She just calls them "Grandma Joyce, Grandma Mary and so on.
I'm good with not being
I'm good with not being considered a grand-mother to my step-grandkids...as long as it's then understood clearly
that I don't have to treat all the kids, step or bio-grandkids, the same. I have a special place in my heart and
wallet for children that consider me their grandma...bio or step or daughter's-best-friends children. Whoever I'm
"grandma-bear" to:)
Can't have it both ways.
Do you even understand that
Do you even understand that the poor wife of the father in law has probably had your husband and siblings as well as crazy ex to deal with for more years than she can count and therefore is just SICK OF IT ALL?
This. After everything I've
This.
After everything I've been through with SD28, it truly amazes me that she, and sometimes DH, think of me as a freaking grandmother to her offspring. Ridiculous. I took myself off the grandma shelf. The only thing my marriage to DH "secures" is being his wife.
Well my SS28 has made it
Well my SS28 has made it clear that I am not the grandmother of his children that the SM1 is the Grandmother.
My husband is pissed about it and said I am the one married to him I am the Grandmother not the Last woman he was with her never married.
I could care less at this point.
I do not like the SS. He has disrespect me from day one when I became a part of his dads life. He had tried every each way to split us up.
He had tried to invite the peace of ass to the house after I moved in with hubby which back then hubby was a boyfriend. We lived together the first year before ever getting married.
anyway when his son came home from military leave he invited the peace of ass over that my husband was messing around with in the past. I guess he was hopping my hubby would jump in bed with her or something that would cause a split up and it did not happen. Hubby at the time told her he has moved on and they would not be seeing each other. I guess the son got mad because instead of visiting with his dad on his military leave he stayed at her house.
He stopped talking to his dad for a year and the next year we went to get married. He called on the day before we were getting married and found out we were getting married. He hung up and called back and talked a little more my hubby told him we were getting married that by the time we got back home we would be married. He must of went and called SM1 about this mess because she hit the fence when she found out we got married and some how froze my husbands account because we found out hubby account was frozen when we came back home from the honey moon and almost did not make me home. WE did not find the accounts frozen until we stopped to buy gas to make it home. Wow huh.
He came back on a military leave the following year went back over to the piece of ass house and stayed there and chase some girl that he finely end up marrying and knotting up.
He had made it clear I was not the grandmother of his children EVER!! and that SM1 was more of a mother to him then his real mother ( he disrespects his real mother) and SM1 is the Grandmother of his children
Yadda yadda I could care less.
Like I said . He disrespected from day one and I never liked him. The less I saw of him the better off. I could not believe someone in their 20s can act like a f'ing child.
His dad and I relationship was none of his business. and the funny thing is I did nothing to him.
I guess I did not make his wild pretty list.
I would love to be called GM
I would love to be called GM by anyone who thought well of me, be it bio grands or gskids. But I didn't raise SD (thank God!), plus she doesn't like me very much so I would feel fortunate if they even used my real name instead of something demeaning. It really depends on the realtionship.
Wow - that's a classic
Wow - that's a classic Pilgrim Soul
Although I have never ever insisted my SGS call me Grandma....DH's daughter went out of her way to make a point that I wasn't to be called that, only because FIL, DH, SSIL even BM for crying out loud were all referring to me as that with SGS
I've always maintained it's the parent's choice and if DH's daughter doesn't want to refer to me as that, absolutely no problem. I was fine with it
THEN she had a seemingly change of heart and she herself began to refer to me as Grandma Disillusioned to SGS. I think it struck her that I was totally unruffled by it and it worked two ways. Not Grandma, well, don't expect me to act like one to SGS either
But then I realized like everything with her, it was simply a game, the game of set-up that is. She wanted it to appear to all concerned that she really was being mature and accepting, all the while PASing SGS against me as much as she could....she not that's bright sometimes LOL, pretty obvious to see through and even DH caught on to it
Where I feel it's disgusting to treat a step-parent like that is when they are good people, have been in your life a long time, have always treated you well and you turn around and refuse them something like that...not for any reasons other than to intentionally hurt. Then that is wrong in my opinion
The girl writing in above sounds like she has more issues that her SMIL that's for sure
Thank you, Disillusioned! I
Thank you, Disillusioned! I agree: your SD sounds disgusting, and the girl above has more issues than she lets on. Being told, Deal with it, i think is wonderful for the entitled set bound to dictate to others how they are to treat them (and their potential offspring).
Interestingly, i was a step-grandmother for a while. In my first marriage, my SS had a kid at the same time i had my OBS. Actually, a little earlier, so that my boys now have a niece who is older than they are - a side effect of May-December marriages. It was a funny experience - i was in my early 30s and did not think of myself as a grandmother, but i enjoyed buying gifts for my SGD and sending them to the SS who lived in a different country. I only saw my SGD once during that entire marriage, but her mom, my SDIL, and her family were very welcoming and all around nice to me and to my kids.
The girl had her two grandmothers, and i was just an additional, bonus, person to pamper her infrequently. I have no idea what she called me, and it did not matter at all. Probably Pilgrim Soul. There was no tension, and no games. My SDIL and I got along great, talked openly, and funny enougn, both ended up divorcing the men we were married to at the time, the father and the son. It was many years ago and i lost touch with her and with her girl after that. My hope is my sons will keep in touch with her.
I forgot all about that experience at step-grand-parenting, but it is a brave new world we live in, and a child can have any number of grandparents and grandparent figures.
"Deal with it" is good advice.
Gotta love it when a toxic
Gotta love it when a toxic drama junky is prepping to be a bitch toward her SMIL before there are even any children in the picture.
As for the behavior of the SMIL .... that can be dealt with directly on an incident specific basis.
Leave it to the children if
Leave it to the children if they wish to call her grandma or not. I am a step grandmother and, two of the children call me grams while three choose not to and just call me by my first name.
As much as I am married to their grandfather and, technically entitled to be called Grandma, I know I'm the [relatively speaking] newcomer to the family and, the kids may never see me as related at all. That's up to them. I treat them the same no matter what they call me. I don't think it's good to force kids to see a person a certain wy, nor is good to ban them from seeing a person a certain way, let them decide if she is grandma to them or not.
I would just like to SEE my
I would just like to SEE my DHs grandson. What he calls me doesn't matter anymore. I'm not sure he'll ever know that I even exist given the road we're on.