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I'm back after 6 years

Stepmom2.0's picture

I deleted my account thinking my step-horror was finshed after Oss22- whose was 16 at the time was banned from our home after the calling CPS saying that he was being abused. His definition of "abuse" was being held accountable for his actions, have assigned chores, or having to follow rules. He did not appreciate that we provided a clean, safe, caring environment. Bm would do anything to hurt Dh including damage his relationship with his sons. 

Dh was not the greatest father to OSS. When he was little, OSS had to witness  BM and Dh arguing.

We've had OSS, YSS, on alternating weeks relationship with YSS was great. Our main issue was OSS. 

After a visit from CPS- dh decided that he was "done" with OSS. I say done, because after that fiasco their relationship was only business. Dh still paid CS and later still allowed OSS access to his college fund but that was the extent of it. Dh did miss him very much and it was hard to see him upset . Dh agreed that in order for him to have a relationship with OSS he would have to: 1) apologize to myself and dh 2) Show me basic respect 3) act like he wanted to be part of our family. Not too much right? We did not hear from OSS for 6 years. YSS started blaming me for why OSS is not speaking to Dh and called Dh "a POS of a father". He stopped coming over. It was just Dh, Myself, my DD and our BD for 6 years. He tried many times to stay in touch with his kids but they chose not to have anything to do with him.

I've seen nights where Dh would be in the basement looking through old pictures and crying his heart out when he saw a picture of the three of them (Dh, OSS,  and YSS). 

There was no contact between us and them for 6 years. They blocked Dh's number, from there facebook, Instagram. Complete social media block-out. I was happy and enjoyed the peace  but Dh was missing them very much! He tried to contact OSS many times even just to hear his voice but noting. 

My  in laws held Thanksgiving at their house this year. DH, I, and BD went. DD had thanksgiving with my ex-H. We go and saw, mother-in-law, father-in-law, my sister-in-law, her husband, their son, my brother-in-law, his wife, and their twin daughters. Low and be hold both OSS and YSS were their as well. My inlaws pulled a Jerry Springer on us!! If we had known they would be their we still would have attended. It did throw us off a bit. 

It's the first time in 6 years Dh saw OSS22 and YSS20. He was speechless as was I.  They barely spoke to us. They just said "hello" and looked the other way. I could tell dh was thrilled but he clearly was hurt with how they were ignoring him. OSS hasn't seen BD since she was 2 and he totally ignored her as well.  It was a very uncomfortable for us. I wanted to leave but Dh wanted to stay and at least try to speak to them. I only stayed for Dh's sake but I was very annoyed with my inlaws. 

When we were sitting and eating dinner- a wonderful spread by the way, everyone was talking. Everyone was fawning over Ss's about their academic achievements. OSS graduated with an honor's degree in microbiology and his currently enrolled in his first year of his masters. He wants to become a medical microbiologist and YSS is in his 2nd year of business school. They both are doing very well for themselves and everyone was proud of them- myself and dh included. Dh said that we was very proud of them; they completely disregarded him and continued on with their own respective conversations. Turns out OSS has a boyfriend and my mother in law was asking about him. Dh looked shocked. She was taking about him as if she knows him. Turns out both she and my father-in-law have met him. Dh tried asking OSS about him. Again, complete disregard and just carried on talking to mother-in-law and father-in-law. My sister-in-law answered for him and said he was 30 years old and a police officer. So she knew about him as well and I'm guessing her husband knows too. Dh looked very hurt. He went quiet. I felt so bad for him. Then YSS started talking about much fun everyone had last summer when they went to Miami to the inlaws vacation home.... Dh looked as if he was about to cry. Everyone knew about OSS's life except Dh. It was brutal to watch. 

Dh did happen to speak to YSS alone and asked him how he was doing.He said that he was fine and walked away. Dh did try to speak to OSS as well but all OSS said "Only my dad can ask that" and walked off. Dh started crying. 

My inlaws were very polite and welcoming to everyone but it was as if they weren't paying attention on how the skids were treating Dh. I did not ask. I just had my poliet face on the whole time.

Normally we spend Thanksgiving weekend with the in laws but with how eveything was turning out we thought it would be best if we left. Luckily dh agreed. Mother -in-law was  "oh your leaving? Okay bye then". Dh heard OSS saying dh is best at turning his back to people. He spent the whole trip back crying. We returned home and dh went into the basement and stayed their the whole night. He's been very distant the whole weekend. I know he misses his sons. Especially OSS. 

He was really hurt with how his sons were treating him. He thought it might be a good idea to have them both over to talk things out. I agreed that it would be best if they talk things out, but out of the home. My conditions for having OSS in the house are still the same. This lead to a big blow out between us. 

After eveything was said and done he slept in the guest bedroom and has barley spoken  2 words to me. He uses BD as a barrier. I'm very hurt. Even today, he barley spoke to me. He went out for the day, came home played with BD, put her to sleep and just went to bed without even kissing me goodnight. 

Sadly I wished my return to ST would be more love dovey but it's far from. I know this just the beginning and i know for a fact the skids want me out of the picture 

 

 

 

Comments

thinkthrice's picture

What a PAS nightmare!  I can only imagine that inlaws have boarded the PAS train to continue to have a "relationship" with their POS grandchildren, OSS and YSS.

Your situation sounds eerily familiar to mine:

PASed out OSS 22, SD 20 and YSS stb 16.  Ten years of zero contact for the older two, nine yrs for YSS.  Failed reunification attempts from Chef.

Chef has been completely isolated from his family as they more or less have taken the Gir's side.  We only hear from Chef's oldest and youngest half brothers when they want something.  Chef's elderly parents are long gone and werent around to see the debacle.

Chef still is resentful toward me sometime.  SM is the easy target.  Trickle down blame.  CODs can play the non united front of a broken home where parents are warring with each other; a perfect opportunity to play into a child's natural inclination for instant gratification through the "purchase" of "love."

Good riddance to bad rubbish.   You know damn well that if you broke up with DH, OSS, YSS and ILs would suddenly be interested in DH "making amends" to them and "healing" the damage BM caused.  This is why PAS should be punished with prison time and loss of custody.

 

Monkeysee's picture

Isn’t it nice when you get blamed for an issue someone else caused? Blame here needs to be directed back to the root cause, BM & SS’s. The boys were old enough to have made their own decisions, but the biggest culprit is their mother. 

It’s horrific what can happen when a parent hates their ex more than they love their child, and not surprising that SM is the scapegoat for everything that’s happened. 

Iamwoman's picture

DH probably should have been in counseling for six years instead of crying in the basement.

You are not wrong for enforcing basic respect for yourself. I’m surprised that a young man, obviously in a comfortable homosexual relationship, would be such a misogynist to think it’s ok to treat you as if you were a disposable commodity in his father’s life. I’m equally surprised your DH now blames you too.

I sure hope this doesn’t turn into one of those scenarios we see here sometimes where the PAS’d adult skids eventually succeed in breaking up their father’s marriage - and subsequently subjecting a younger half sibling to another broken family...

I suggest you and DH get into counseling ASAP. Not one of those counselors who put the parent /child relationship above the marriage (be careful of that type of screwed up counseling), but one who can help your DH continue to put your marriage first while giving him the tools to interact with his sons in a way that doesn’t compromise any boundaries.

Kes's picture

Welcome back to the site and I'm sorry it's in such distressing circumstances.   I understand that your DH was very hurt by the behaviour of his sons, but honestly, I think if one of my bios treated me like that, I would be more angry than sad.  They didn't even treat him like a human being.  

I have always said that I would rather have no relationship at all with my daughters than one in which I was abused - and in fact 3 years ago my DD36 and I were estranged for 3 months after an episode in which I felt she had behaved horribly to me.  When we reconciled, I had a different attitude to the relationship.  I decided that I didn't want a relationship "on any terms" - it would have to be one in which I felt respected, at the very least.   I think she sensed that I had changed, although I didn't say anything to her, or lay down terms for our relationship - I think she knew I was different, somehow.  

tog redux's picture

In-laws can do so much harm in a PASing situation.  My SS was PAS'd for over 3 years, and once during that time, BM contacted DH's sister and said SS wanted to speak to her.  SIL and DH are not estranged but never speak. But even with their distant relationship, SIL texted DH and told him BM had contacted her and she tried to ignore it, but BM was persistent, so she would talk to SS.  She made sure to tell SS that she would be letting DH know everything that they talked about, and she did. This is how you act supportive to BOTH parties.

Parental alienation is about power and control. The alienating parent gives the child too much power, including the power to mistreat and reject their other parent. Your in-laws are supporting that power. If mine did that to DH, they would have never heard from him again for the rest of their lives. Your DH needs to take power back.  Let his kids know he loves and misses them, but get on with life. Sadly, he's blaming the only person who really had his back - you.

Curious Georgetta's picture

damaging the relationship with the dad. However, these young men were seeing and experiencing  their dad on a regular basis. Given the level of their academic achievements, it is obvious that they are bright young men.

I would imagine that dad played a role of some.sort in creating the estrangement.

The sons may not have been willing to come to your home, but your refusal to allow your husband to invite them into your home for  so important a talk spoke volumes to your husband.

Sadly, he missed out on an opportunity to try and reach out to his sons.

Say what you will about the BM, it sounds as though she reared bright and productive son's who are capable of having positive international relationships with other family members.

Your husband should consider counselling to examine his relationship or lack thereof with his sons and to consider strategies for trying to re-engage with his sons.

At the end of the day, it is apparent that he loves his sons and he realizes what he is missing in not having them in his life. He is also likely suffering in the opinion of his extended family who have continued to maintain a warm and cordial relationship with their grandsons and nephews.

Disengagement for your husband has not resulted in anything positive. For you it has been satisfactory but it seems to have cost your husband a great price.

Ultimately, he may end up blaming you for the prolonged estrangement as it will be easier than blaming himself.

 

 

TwoOfUs's picture

Oh Please.

Any counselor worth his or her salt would recommend that her DH set up "so important a talk" at a neutral site where either party is free to leave and less likely to make a scene...NOT at his home. This is just plain common sense...and OP is right to suggest it. She's not saying he can't reach out and talk to his sons. Of course he can. She just doesn't want rude and disrespectful people in her home.

What do she and DH do if the SS's get beligerent? Where can they go? Why would her DH want to trap her in that kind of situation when meeting at a neutral site will accomplish the same thing and feel less threatening to both parties? That's the real question. Super convenient to scapegoat the SM for his own lack of interaction with his sons, though. 

Also, what is an "international relationship" exactly?  

thinkthrice's picture

Someone is "bright" doesn't make them a wonderful human being.  Nor does it attest to proper parenting.  These two adult children decided to hear only one side of the story.  That makes them lacking in critical thinking skills which is necessary in real life.

The fact is DH tried to be a parent and the skids didn't like it. Which tells me that BM was not parenting but most likely befriending the adult children as confidants inappropriately; in short, child abuse.

Once again intelligence has nothing to do with it.  Some children are naturally intelligent and naturally do well in school but are warped personality-wise.

Yep DH should be more angry than sad and the anger should be directed squarely on the shoulders of the BM who created this mess and to a lesser extent the two adult children who lack critical thinking skills to be able to see both sides of the story.   There is always two sides to the story and the truth is somewhere in between.

The ILS have Stockholm syndrome and have decided to be held hostage by their first two grandchildren, sacrificing their own son, his wife and their other grandchildren.

Nice.

 

 

Iamwoman's picture

A successful child is not always an indication of a successful parent.

Many children are successful DESPITE piss poor parenting, just as many children are unsuccessful despite excellent parenting.

Genetics can override environment to a great extent. This is glaringly apparent to anyone who has ever studied siblings who were raised in the same environment but turn out completely different (one is a huge success, the other a druggie). It’s also apparent in the voluminous studies completed on twins separated at birth, having vastly different upbringings and socioeconomic backgrounds, yet winding up with nearly identical careers and lives as adults!

My own siblings and I have turned out completely different from one another in just about every area. Between the three of us, our differences run from hair color: brown, blonde, red; to politics, to career success, to ambition, to housekeeping, to kids, to pets, and all the way to how we approach life problems: head-on (me), procrastination to eventual action (brother), playing the victim (sister).

So you see, the OP’s skids were  going to be successful, and perhaps were even spurred to success by someone other than BM. They could be successful out of spite to their father (this seems the likely answer to me given their snubbery).

tog redux's picture

Again. Please read up about Parental Alienation.  You have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. You are one of those nightmare therapists that blames the parent who is alienated.

Curious Georgetta's picture

We have a minor child whose father put him out of his home at age 16.  The OP stated that the husband was not the best dad when the son was a young child. Clearly ,she did not like the BM , but she provides no information about Parental Alienation and the kids were spending every other week with their father. The were interacting with and experiencing their father in a rgular basis.  They had.The opportunity to  experience their father apart from anything the mother may have said.

The OP blames the BM. She stayed that the father was not always a great dad. She seems to resent the in-laws and grand parents because they too.did not disengage from their grand son's and nephews. 

In fact, she has attributed some measure of blame and responsibility to everyone involved other than herself - BM, dad, grand parents, step kids, aunt and uncle. The only innocent party with no level of responsibility for the situation seems to be the OP.

Maybe that is the case.   Perhaps the situation is more complex and the all involved  including the OP had a significant role in creating this situation.

The only losers are the father and sons who  have lost.time that can never be regained.

Hopefully, with effort and help , the father and sons can re-engage and establish.a positive relationship going forward.

 

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Your delusions are impressive. The vitriol you have for your brother’s new, improved wife must be hotter than the Chernobyl explosion.

 

pixielady's picture

You must have missed the part where SS called CPS on his own father. Yet you make the giant leap of blaming SM and dad for expecting basic respect in their home. Pray tell how OP is at fault for that? And tell us your stepfamily experience again? 

thinkthrice's picture

could  be a PASinator BM herself, thus the rush to defend the indefensible GUBM and PAS bonging skids.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Warning OP: CG allegedly hates her brother’s new wife (must be a SM to his prior spawn to bring CG here?) CG claims to have been a “therapist” but is NOTa stepparent.

disrestep's picture

I feel bad for you and your DH.

Your DH should not be blaming you and treating you like you don't exist, as it is not your fault he has a manipulative, toxic adult child or two. Adult skids are playing the guilty daddy card and it's working.

Your in-laws and who knows who else, pulled a fast one on you and DH for Thanksgiving, and I would call them under the rug for that and tell them how terrible it made DH feel. My inlaws have tried to pull the same stuff on DH and I bynot telling us adult skids would be in attendance. There is one particular inlaws who does this every holiday and every family event and it's so predictable now. DH just ignores their invites now. I am expecting this again for Xmas. The adult skids are always part of the inlaws plan too. Don't ever suspect they don't know.

Not sure how your DH would react if you talk to him about his behavior toward you and how it makes you feel. But  he needs to get over the fact that just because someone is related to you, (his adult kids), doesn't make them angels and it not your fault they treat him like dirt. These adult SS's are not bright young men, but disrespectful adult brats who appear to never want to respect your marriage, your DH, you or your home. I would never allow them in my home either.  

I'd ask my DH if your marriage is worth ending over the hateful behavior displayed by his adult brood. 

I hope everything works out for you. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Oh. My. Goodness. What a nightmare Thanksgiving. What treachery and humiliation, dished out by the very people who are supposed to love and support your DH.

There's so much to unpack here, and I can't help but wonder if your DH is so overwhelmed by what he experienced at the hands of his family that he just can't cope with it all. 

Maybe he's seized onto the easiest, most familiar feelings - I want to talk to my sons! - because the familial betrayal is simply too painful to look at just yet? And you make the easiest, most convenient target for his angst?

I could see my DH's family doing something similar to him (and me). In fact, one SIL invited us to what was supposed to be dinner with her and husband. My DH was very ill, and a quiet meal to discuss a time-sensitive business matter was about all he could manage. There were a lot of other family issues swirling at the time, mostly related to DH and I disengaging from adult OSD, and the relational aggression was palpable. Well, we arrived to find SIL had invited other family, including members who had been fomenting discord and gossiping with BM.  While OSD was not there, all of her winged monkeys were. It was a show designed to send the message that I had no power or standing in their family; that they thought they controlled DH; and that our stand against narc OSD had no validity in their eyes. It was also the last time DH and I broke bread with his family.

Your DH seems to be an outlier in his family of origin, and I wonder just how much they blame you for the estrangement. Can you give us more background on your in-laws? Do they always stomp boundaries and keep secrets? Was your DH really unaware that his family was pursuing a relationship with your skids? How do they generally treat you and your bios?

Whether or not it was intentional, your in-laws have put a wedge between you and your H. You need to proceed with caution and strive not to be cast in the role of persecutor. Be loving and supportive, emphasizing that you and your H are a team. Couples counseling would also be a good idea, as well as fading waaay back from these in-laws. You cannot trust them.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Let your w*nker husband stew; you get busy having fun with your kids and your friends and YOUR family.

Eventually he will miss you or miss having clean socks and probably snap out of his BS funk. None of this crap is your fault!