Should We Stay Away

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My DH's former fellow firefighter and long time friend took his own life yesterday and we are thinking about not going to the service because we know SD and BM will be there. SD is on the volunteer fire dept DH and his friend use to belong to. BM was also on the dept when DH and friend were on it. (BM joined to keep tabs on DH when they were together). BM ended up being thrown off that dept when DH and I got together because she was telling everyone he was going to kill her in a fire. The dept would not put up with it. My DH was the Asst Chief at the time and God forbid something would of happened to her at a call. My husband ended up leaving that dept for other reasons when we got married and went to another dept.

BM and SD can not keep their mouths shut, no matter where they are. BM has been at other funeral services and started with her mouth. When my DH's captain (from a the other dept) died in the line of duty BM showed up and was asked to leave because she would not shut up about us. It is embarrassing to us and the family does not need it.

We avoid going anywhere we know they might be. BM has shown up at firefighter functions for my DH's current dept he joined when we moved and she is always asked to leave.

My DH and I just ran into his friend and his wife a few weeks ago and he was happy go lucky, it is a shock to us both. BM and SD are not liked by friend's wife, but that will not stop them from going. She does not need the trouble, she just lost her husband due to taking his own life, so we were not going to go. Problem is I will feel guilty for not going and DH should not have to stay away from a friend of 20 plus years service. He deserves to say goodbye to his friend and brother firefighter. They fought fire together for 10 years.

BM and SD are not even consider firefighters in a lot of firefighter's eyes. BM joined to keep tabs on DH at the time and is not active with any dept, she never even seen the inside of a burning building. SD joined for the glory of the name of volunteer firefighter, not because it is a passion and take pride in it. Plus SD is known as a uniform chaser.

DH and I want to go, but do not want the drama that will go with it. A funeral is not the time or place to air dirty laundry. BM and SD do not care and would make it a point to do so.

Should we or should we not go?

I would not go but I would

I would not go but I would call the widow beforehand and give my condolences. Just tell her you and DH will not be attending to keep the drama down and then check in with after the funeral. As a survivor of a spouses suicide I can tell you the hardest part is after everyone leaves.

Usually you don't see it coming. In my case all of his co-workers who did reach out to me kept saying they could not believe it because he was so happy when the saw him at work in the weeks prior. The thing that pushed him over the edge happened three days before he finally got it right. It happens.

The widow may or may not want to talk about it. Let her take the lead. She may just want to be alone or may not. I wanted to talk about it so it would not hurt so much and to stop the lies and rumors. Then I just wanted to be with people and just be.

Thank you everyone

I'm sorry for the loss of

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.

That's a really tough one. I'm wondering if there might be a 3rd party who could text you as to where BM and SD are sitting and make sure to save you seats in an opposite end of the room. Afterwards you could make sure you extend your condolences quickly and leave.

I'm floored that BM would be this crass although I saw this type of thing at my own sister's (suicide) funeral as well.

I agree with reality check mom.. the hardest part is after every one leaves. If you decide not to go you could just go out of your way to support her afterward. One of the things that helped me the most was books. A gift basket with a book or two about coping with suicide with teas or hot chocolate would be kind.

I have given this kind of gift since then as I know I would have appreciated it greatly at the time of my sister's suicide. This is helpful after a sudden death because you are simply so unprepared, lost and so sad that it's hard to muster up the energy to do anything like looking up resources to help you process it all.

I'd go and pay your respects

I'd go and pay your respects to your friend. Otherwise you'll regret it forever. Don't let then get in your way,

I would go, fire is family,

I would go, fire is family, and your presence will mean more to his spouse. Make sure and check on her down the road to. People stop calling and checking on the spouse after awhile and they are still healing especially when it's sudden. Screw BM pretend she doesn't exist she'll either act like a grown up or be told to leave. But go.

So sorry for your loss. Take

So sorry for your loss. Take care.

Go and pay your respects.

Go and pay your respects. Walk away from BM. As a widow, I know it is appreciated. Just be sure and keep in touch with her. The hardest thing for me, was all the friends of my late husbands that just walked away and never looked back on me and my son...

Thank you everyone, we went

Thank you everyone, we went to the afternoon viewing so we would not run into BM and SD. We knew the would be at the evening viewing. It was sad, but we got through it. Thank you for all the great advice. We are glad we paid our respects with no drama.

Go!

We did, went to the viewing

We did, went to the viewing during the day

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