SD26 looks for reasons to be upset
Hello. Long time lurker, first time poster. I’m sure many of you have dealt with similar situations, just I’m just looking for insight/advice. SD26 looks for reasons to get mad/upset/dislike me. They could very well be valid reasons in her mind to be upset, I’m not trying dismiss her feelings, but it seems that she’s always finding fault in what I do and blowing things way out of proportion and trying to make it something it’s not just so she has something to be mad at me for.
I haven’t even seen her since last summer, she only comes home to visit if she knows I’m not around. The last time I spoke to her was to say merry Christmas. She was home a few weeks ago and got upset my daughter had touched something that was hers, blamed me for it, even though I wasn’t even home at the time. My husband was.
She also blames me for things I have nothing to do with. I’ve been accused of so many things I can’t keep track. She’s actually accused me of kicking her out of the house and forcing her to move out even though she had already moved out before DH and I even started dating. The home DH and I live in is his home, I sold mine to move in with him, which in hindsight was a huge mistake. I so badly want to get a house of OUR own because I feel like, me just existing here is a problem for SD26. If I so much as even TOUCH anything that is hers without even knowing it, that’s a problem. If I decorate anything to my liking, that’s a problem.
We need to renovate because we need more space , but that’s a problem with her even though she doesn’t live here. If I clean , I’m trying to remove her permanently from the house. But if I left everything the way it is, that would be a problem too , I’m sure. I can see things from her point of view, she used to live here and now another woman lives here with her dad and she doesn’t like it. She’s being territorial. But of course if I live here, inevitably I’m going to decorate a few things to my liking or maybe accidentally use one of her cups.
I’m well aware she doesn’t like me, I would never force a relationship on her. I don’t really know where I’m going with this, a rant maybe ? There’s nothing I can do I know, I can only control how I react, which is to avoid her mostly.
She is 26!
Get DH on board with this being your home together, or sell it for another.
If you stay, remove all items if SD. She is an adult, she should live independently and your not responsible for maintaining a shrine to her in your home.
Tell her directly that this will be your home and decorating changes will be made and she has no input in those changes.
Ugh, these crazy mini wives!
Honestly, that's my thinking.
Honestly, that's my thinking. If she's so possessive that she doesn't want anyone touching her stuff (we have a 2 year old daughter, they get into EVERYTHING), then she should take her belongings that she's so attached to back home with her... but I've tried that before and I was accused of trying to scrub her out of her fathers life. No, I'm just trying to avoid this "don't touch my stuff!" and to keep her belongings safe. Like I said, I think she just wants to find things to get mad about. I know myself, when I visit my parents, if I find something at their home that was mine I'd like to keep , I take it home with me.
hmm
"Well SD, I know how important your things are to you and I was so worried they might get touched or broekn so I bubble wrapped and boxed them all up for you, to protect them. I put them in a tub so she won't get into them. Why don't you take them to your house and you won't have to worry anymore"
in my house
we have a rule: once you've moved out, you've lost say in what is in my house. My sons, his son, their belongings were tubbed and given to them a year after they'd moved out. They are always welcome in our house but they do not live here.
That's exactly what my
That's exactly what my parents did when I moved out and it was no big deal at all. I'd never even bring up the idea of getting rid of her room, even though when she visits, she never stays over and doesn't even use her room, because it is still HER room and I understand that. Right now we don't need that room, if we did then I would suggest it. But she's just so over the top about little things when she doesn't even live here anymore.
Shrine
It's her way of claiming DH, to ensure she has her shrine in the house.
Welcome to the site!
Whatever you do it's going to be wrong, in SD26's eyes - so I wouldn't even bother trying to avoid upsetting her, just go your own sweet way, re-decorate the house, or whatever you feel like doing, it has nothing to do with her. It's not her home any more - she moved out before you met DH, you said. When you say "she blames me" - how does she actually do this? Directly to you? or to DH? if the latter - tell him you are not interested in hearing her pathetic whines any more. If she calls you or emails you to do so, then let her know that you are not willing to be the recipient of her ill will any longer. If she persists, block her.
If you are a long time lurker on the site you will know that many of us choose to disengage as a way of dealing with this kind of thing. Sometimes it is the only way.
She'll blame me by telling
She'll blame me by telling family members which I obviously end up hearing about, and she's even gone as far as posting on the internet about me blaming me for all her life's problems. I don't engage with her. My own mother who has witnessed first hand her terrible behaviour tries to encourage me to go out of my way to be nice to her.... I've tried that, and it got me nowhere, I still did "all wrong" so really, it's best to do nothing. And you're right, I shouldn't worry cause anything I do is going to cause a problem so I should just live my life in my home.
You're danged if you do or
You're danged if you do or danged if you don't. You're Queen of your castle so do what you want. She'll throw a hissy but you are used to that. What's the worse that will happen? She won't come over as much? I'd consider that a win.....
She only comes over now when
She only comes over now when I'm not around, which is a huge win for me cause when she used to come by if I was home it was always walking on eggshells around her. Watching what you say because she looks for things to get offended by, the eye rolls , making up things I never said and tells other people to make me look like the wicked stepmother, etc. So it's been nice not having to endure that for awhile but it's amazing how she still finds things to get mad about when she hasn't even seen or spoken to me in months
Get your DH on board with
Get your DH on board with packing up her stuff, making her room into a guest room, and asking her to come get any belongings she wants. The rest can go in the attic or basement if you have storage for them.
To be fair, I'm perfectly
To be fair, I'm perfectly fine with keeping her room here as right now we don't need that room. But I do feel if she's so protective of certain belongings, then she needs to take them back home with her otherwise she is just looking for a reason to be mad. Super simple solution to her problem but she doesn't want to resolve it, she wants to complain.
You should move into
Another home. Not spend money fixing up the old house. Tell SD you are moving. Get her junk out of the house or it's going into the dumpster
That's my main goal, but DH
That's my main goal, but DH is stubborn as a mule and really attached to this home. I feel like the reality of the situation is, if I ever want a ME home again, it'll just be me on my own. Plus, SD26 would be FURIOUS if we ever sold this home , and DH knows that , which would be another hurdle to overcome sadly.
I've seen several posters say
I've seen several posters say something similar, and I truly do not understand it. Is the HOUSE more important than the relationship he has with you? If HE wants to stay in that house, but YOU don't, why does he automatically win? Why does he get so much power?
My adult child would have no bearing on my decision about where I lived either. When I moved out of the house where I raised my daughter we both boo-hooed and shed some tears, but that was just emotion at leaving our old life behind. We were both heading out into the future. My job raising her was mostly done and she needed to have her own future.
Maybe it is a man thing.
I must come by it from my dad. A house is merely shelter and a place to live. Like clothes, when it no longer meets a need, replace it. I would be fine in a cave with orange crates as long as I was warm in the winter and cool in the summer.
People who put some holy meaning on a structure have always been odd to me.
Don't get me wrong, I like having a nice home. But... it does not have any unicorn value to me beyond it being a place to live and a performing invenstment.
My DW... would of course disagree with me.
It likely goes without saying.... the people are what make a house a home. That can occur in any structure, anywhere, as long as the people are worthy of being in the home........... and family. Those who are not worth.... have no place.
BTDT
My ex SD22 at the time hadnt been at our house for 2 years and she told my ex dh how to redecorate and to not touch her room. the room she hadnt seen in two years!
F that. Its your home now, not SD's. Your DH should be telling her this. Your DH should be strongly telling her to knock the hell off. A good spouse does that. A good spouse always stands behind their spouse , especially defending a spouse to a skid.
As for her always twisting everything into a problem. Thats her issue not yours. Keep being you, and add some evil in for fun. Why the hell not, give the lil bitch something to bitch about.
He treats SD26 more like a
He treats SD26 more like a wife than me, his actual wife, sometimes. It's ... weird.
Emotional Incest
Look it up. That might be the case for your DH and SD. Throw this term at him. If that doesnt phase him then he is too far gone. Most people would be repulsed.
Ask him if he is aware he treats his DD like a wife.
No wonder SD is the way she is big daddy gives her the green light. Maybe she can cook and do his laundry as well. You know fulfill those wifely duties. Never settle to be the other woman.
I bought a book on
Emotional incest. My dh said he'd read it with me. He threw the book away...made up a lie as to where the book went. Ok so he showed me that he did not want to heal.
Took me too long to realize I needed to divorce him. Don't waste too much of your precious life on a dh who doesn't have your back.
You got it!
She is his wife. She has no respect for you and is fighting to maintain no. 1 position with her husband. You are an intruder and she is staking her claim.
She sounds like a narcissist. They smear campaign you to anyone who listens. The ones who listen to her n hate you are her flying monkeys.
The only way to deal with a narcissist is zero contact. Block her on everything. She doesn't deserve ti be in your home at all. Or her crap.
My ex sds were oh so upset when I replaced their pictures on the fridge and the big shrine pic of them in the living room. Oh my. These 23 yos ran to momma, who is a bi polar narcissist. She emailed my dh (who still contacted her, I don't think he was over her) and just abused him for us redecorating. Wow.
If your dh doesn't work with you to show jealous mini wife that YOU are his priority....well you have a dh issue. If he chooses his other wife, sd, over you.....bye bye go live in peace without the smear campaigns and sd trying to be a wedge between you n dh. She is jealous. If she wasn't dhs dd, just some other woman acting this way, how would you act? If dh's ex gf acted like this (and she still had her stuff in his home to keep control)... what woukd you do? These enmeshed Daddies love the triangulation and attention of all these women needing him, fighting over him essentially.
She actually got upset once
She actually got upset once when I had the basement painted (it was completely unfinished so I used MY money to have the basement finished when I moved in) and we had to take her pictures off the wall to paint.... like, what we were supposed to do, paint around her pictures and leave two toned squares ? Oh and me having the basement finished was also a problem lol. It never ends.
I find it so odd, because if she moved in with a boyfriend who had a prior home or they purchased a home together, would she not decorate it at all to her liking? It's so bizarre how touchy she is about me daring to exist in my own home, I hate even calling it that to be honest cause to this day it sure doesn't feel like my home. Just a house I moved into . She's so emotionally exhausting, they all are, that side of the family.
These enmeshed Daddies love
^Yup! It also works with stepsons. DH was in the middle of oldest ss and I. He had to "protect" ss from me, He didnt' want to be in the middle..ha, yeah right! The triangulation stopped when I stepped out of it. Funny how ss started attacking DH when I refused to engage. They didn't talk for 6 months.
She's a mini wife and your DH
She's a mini wife and your DH encourages it. Read Evil4 blogs and you will get a glimpse of your future.
Oh I definitely will... do I
Oh I definitely will... do I just search the username to find their blog entries?
Keep it simple. Confront her
Keep it simple. Confront her crap. Zero tolerance. She is 26 and has no place or business in your marital home regardless of whether or not it was her dad's home before you moved in.
So.... "Look you mean self delusional bitch, I will not tolerate your mean manipulative crap and if you ever make the mistake of pulling your historic bitchy shit with me, my mate, or my kid again I will be all over you like stink on the shit that you are. Now, do you have any questions?"
Quit trying to undertand her and just end her. No warning, no tolerance, just end her.
That any self respecting adult tolerates this kind of crap regardless of who is serving it up is beyond my ability to comprehend.
smh
You know the facts, her feelings are not valid. So quit giving her self delusion validity and end it. NOW! Your mate needs clarity that she will get no quarter from you on any crap she pulls s0 he had better climb her ass before you have to.
You definitely get right to
You definitely get right to the point! I do always like to try and understand the other persons point of view, but I will admit at some point enough is enough and SD26 is just extreme. I guess I try to be empathetic because stepmoms tend to get dragged through the mud regardless of the situation, and the stepchildren always are given the benefit of the doubt. I'm sure most of us can relate to what I'm trying to say.
I do always like to try and
I would have never tried to understand her point of view. I think that is where you went wrong. After she showed you she was a total b-tch, you should have been done with her. Hell would freeze over before I allow anyone's sh-tty a-- daughter to bring bs and drama into my life. Not only would I have put her in her place, but I would have put your SO in his place too for allowing that type of sh-t to reach me if I were you. I would tell her I am giving her x number of days to get her sh-t out, and what she doesn't get out by that deasline would go in the trash.
It seems like these SD
It seems like these SD bitches all have fathers who are the same.
Guys who are non confrontational and basically are scared of their mini wives.
Honestly, they just need to toughen up. Tough love....tell these leeches that they are grown up. Go out and adult.
She is 26 she needs to get
She is 26 she needs to get over yourself. DH married you, had a child with you and needs to make a life with you.
SD needs to get a life of her own. This situation is ridiculous and you shouldn't have to live like this. It's time to start setting some boundaries.
Does she want to meet my SD26?
I have posted before about my SD26 whom I haven't spoken to since October-ish. She's mad because I don't want her to stay here and she confronted DH and me about it separately. I have invested a large amount of emotional real estate on this girl and am working on shutting her completely off in my mind. She's rude, emotionally on the brink of disaster (since I've known her) and gets SS24 on her side. She's the most miserable human being I've ever had to be around and she is most un-welcome in my home. I'm happy to connect with you if you want. May be a lifesaver to have someone else with a nasty SD26.
I told everyone that I was
I told everyone that I was going to be cleaning the house and having a garage sale. We were moving house. I piled up everything I didn't want in my house and invited all to remove from the pile anything they wanted/ thought was theirs. None of the skids bothered to look at the pile. Nor did DH really. I again invited them to help with the garage sale . One of my children turned up to help , one of my stepsons turned up and took some plants and chickens off our hands.
Oh fuzzy, don't you see what
Oh fuzzy, don't you see what happened? You married her daddy and took "HER" place. She was the mini-wife and his emotional support until you showed up. Then you had an (I'm assuming) adorable daughter with DH, which in SD's jealous prepubescent brain further removed from the throne. She feels like she is no longer daddee's widdle girl because daddee diverted his attention to you when you two got married. Now there is a cute and younger version of SD walking around in HER house, touching HER stuff! These are juvenile issues; unfortunately, it is your DH who has perpetuated this attitude. If he had allowed her to grow up and be an independent young woman rather than his emotional crutch, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Previous posters are right, no matter what you do SD is going to be p*ssed about it. You already done went and dethroned her so now it's time to take your rightful place as Queen of your castle. If you don't set boundaries she'll be mad because her space being invaded and her stuff is being touched. If you do set boundaries she'll still be mad. You're already the wicked stepmother, you may as well enjoy your evil lair.
Before you say, but but...I've been there. DH and I didn't have a kid together but SS's in their late 20's when we got married were awful. ss who was 27 was telling everyone that I "stole his father from him." He was moved out and kept trying to move back in after we married. He was the same way about "his home," "his father," "his room." He even wanted me to do things the way his mother used to do them. "This is where mom put the bread..." The younger SS would come over and play the game a bit too. He was married, had 2 kids, but still had to mark his territory. We had his family over for a barbeque and he took me aside and told me, "I'm not a guest, this is my house!" Then he went home with his wife and kids lol. Also had the issue of painting and remodeling. Skids were upset at any upgrades we made. I walked on eggshells around them in the beginning but no more. I just brush off any of their territorial behaviors, and it helps that DH and I do own a joint home now. He still has the old house but not for much longer.
You're going to have to ignore DH and SD. Play "Dumb Fox," (Google it) when she acts all hurt and when DH sticks his head in the sand. Bottom line is SD and her stuff need to move out. She has her own place, now her things can go with her or to the basement. Yes she'll be p*ssed, but what's new?