AT a loss
Hey guys, I new here so not exactly sure how this works but here goes. I have four biological daughters ranging from the ages of 3-9 and I’ve recently became a stepmom to an 8 yo. Since I do have quite a few of my own I feel pretty confident on the normalcies for kids, however my SD is completely out of control I have no idea what to do!! Her biological mom signed over her rights at the time of birth (which is extremely sad) and the empathy kept me ok for while but it’s getting to the point where I’m completely over it and have no more sympathy. She lives with us full time ( and by us I mean my children and me, dad works out of town) it seems as though she’s constantly bullying the other children, bragging, exaggerating EVERYTHING, she is constantly trailing me, she doesn’t share, she refuses to eat everything I cook,the list goes on. But I’m particularly having a hard time coping lately, I caught her pushing my 4yo off the top bunk. And I’ve noticed the typical behavioral of my other children shifting. She’s extremely manipulative, she yells in a gosh awful squeaky whiney shrill voice, she lies continuously, she’s demanding as hell. I feel as though she’s trying to dominate my position in some way. When dad does come home she clings to Him and acts as if I mistreat her. I am in way over my head here. I need advice, I’ve talked to dad about it and he seems to turn it around to me and say things like, “ oh it’s her again, suprise” or oh yeah I should have known it’s about her. Granted I am fed up but that’s where the problems are originating.
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Get out
if it’s causing you emotional distress & her dad is not doing anything about it...you should probably think of leaving
How does Dad parent her when
How does Dad parent her when he is around? I'm guessing he acts guilty and like he needs to make up for her not having a mom. If that's the case unless he changes you'll just be the evil step parent in her eyes. If you want this relationship to work he needs to be on your side and you need to be a parenting team.
It's sad to say but you may
It's sad to say but you may need nanny cams if so is still siding with his daughter he's a major f**k up and leave or kick him and the kid out
Your SO can’t abandon his child
So you have to find some way to deal with her. Maybe getting her and the whole family professional help in coping with each other.. Or move out on your own
Agree with lady tremaine, if
Agree with lady tremaine, if you insist on staying with this man I’d get nanny cams for every public area in your house. Kitchen, living rooms, eating areas, hallways. That way you’ve got proof both that she IS the one misbehaving, but you’ve also got evidence if she tries saying that you treat her poorly.
Tbh, I don’t know how women stay with men like this. Who was this girl’s caregiver before you rocked up? Why is dad working away when he is the sole caregiver to HIS kid? How irresponsible is that?
It is not your responsibility to provide for his child, since BM signed over her rights that alone lies with him. He either gets a new job where he’s home with his princess, or you deck the house out with cameras, or both. He’s not being a good partner to you, and he’s doing a terrible job raising his daughter. Or you leave him, which would probably save you the most headaches. Men like this are rarely worth the trouble.
I am relatively new here as
I am relatively new here as well & some of the first advice I received was really helpful - I think it could help you too. Don't let empathy, or the fact that you're a compassionate person, change the way you address your SD's behaviour. Also, don't think of your SD as being unfotunate for having her mother step out of her life when she was only a baby, think of her as being fortunate for having a SM who is stepping up & caring for her & stepsisters to play with. The advice I received was worded better than that - but this was the genral idea. I have two stepsons in my life, OSS14 & YSS11 which are biologically my SO's, however my 'SD8' is a bit of a different story. She also had a rough introduction to the world & I'm learning that the adults in her life oversompensating for that are not helping her at all.
It sounds like you have a lot to contend with, 5 children under 10 & an absent DH who isn't fathering his own daughter, I wish you the very best. I do think you may be dealing with a bit of a mini-wife, oh my aren't we all, with all the clinging & the competitive vibe you're feeling. This is another thing I've been learning about, very good information to know, I recommend looking it up.
Sweet gig he’s got. He found
Sweet gig he’s got. He found someone to care for his daughter and he doesn’t even have to pretend to parent.
Why are YOU the one taking
Why are YOU the one taking care of this girl? Her dad needs to find work closer to home that allows him to be a parent.
Sweet gig, indeed.
How did your DH care for his
How did your DH care for his daughter BEFORE you?
Did someone else handle the childcare? Was he traveling then?
What you are describing is normal in the beginning of blending a family. What isn't normal is her father 1. Not around 2. Not parenting when he is around.
Until those 2 things happen her behavior won't change. Nothing you can do because any punishment you put out will be negated by him. And he will continue to turn her behavior into your problem.
I suggest having a convo with your DH about how HE can change this behavior because it is HIS problem.
Please don’t be with him
To try to “save” him. There’s just so much more in life than getting stuck with someone who needs saving. This guy can’t help himself; how’s he going to help his daughter. If you’re in a place where you need to set up nanny cams to protect your kids and yourself, you need OUT. Seriously, this is not the guy for you. I left my ex with $20 in my wallet, $5 in my bank account, and a paycheck coming in in six days. You can do it. If not for yourself, for your kids. What are they learning about life and relationships and how to parent their future children by being stuck in your relationship with this guy and his daughter?