SD Relationship History-Bad from the Start
DH and I are starting this new life far from SD and our old life and people. We have only been in our new town two months and I'm still sorting the house and details out. SD emailed DH a pity me sob letter about selling the house and property and we both felt awful--but also with the knowledge that again Sd was only thinking of herself. In our 15 years married, DH and I were invited to her condo once (that she rented cheap from her mother) for a visit. My BFF was with us and found it all weird. SD was pushing chips and candies on me when she knew I was on a diet and I was oblivious to it because I was miserable. One invite in 15 years has to say it all. When she was in our guesthouse across the drive, she invited us to dinner and I offered to make a vegetable side dish. When we went over, SD looked at my dish and said, "is that all you brought?" No table was set; there was no sign of dinner. I went home and made a salad. SD boiled pasta and opened a jar of pasta sauce. That was dinner. That's when DH decided to throw in the towel with his side of the relationship. What have we lost? Absolutely nothing. She never shared details of her life with him or with us. We feel rejected and empty as parents, but she never gave us a chance. She had this mission from her mommy to hate us. She fulfilled it so well that she lost her father. What's messing her up isn't her dad, but losing what she expected from him. It's been a hard 15 years with her hate in the background of our lifes. DH lost most of his friends and his neighbors saw me as "the other woman" even though we married five years after the divorce. I'm glad to be far away with all that ready to be stored in the past. SD was 18 when we married. Is there any right time for divorced people to remarry when kids are involved?
I'm glad you're getting a
I'm glad you're getting a fresh start.
Ya know, I can relate. My DH
Has very entitled adult children. There is weekly drama with one or the other. He sometimes talks about selling our home and moving out of state and I think this is fueled by wanting to get away from them. On the other hand, my adult kids are low drama and my relationship is good with all of them, plus grandkids so moving away is not something I'm inclined to do.
Every skid or kid is
Every skid or kid is different. My mom dated this guy about a year maybe after she and my dad divorced, so I would have been about 13 at the time. I have two older siblings so all three of us were teenagers. I was perfectly fine with it. I met him, I took to him right away. He was a nice guy. Dad was not happy but he never expressed it, never bad mouthed her or him. I felt bad for him but I figured they were divorced, he'd get over it eventually. Later on my mom quit seeing him. He wanted to move in, she said and she wasn't looking for that.
Dad tried dating a couple of women or talked about it but it never happened. He wanted my mom back for a while. I told him maybe God had someone else in mind for him. Not long after that, he was telling me about this lady at his church who's husband had walked out on her and he was interested in dating her. The only ones who gave them a hard time about seeing each other were some young people at the church. I told him I just wanted him to be happy. I think my siblings felt the same way. My mom was happy when she found out about him seeing the lady who would later become my stepmother. Mom wanted him to move on and she knew he needed to be with somebody. She had no desire to get back together and had no desire to be with anyone. He got remarried and my mom was thrilled. I was 16 or 17 when Dad started seeing SM. I was 18 when they married.
I'd say the parenting has a lot to do with it. I had the mindset of my parents were divorced so if they wanted to move on with new people or just be alone, it was each their decision and I would be fine with it as long as they were happy. Maybe it was the way I was raised, I don't know. It's also possible that I saw the way my step cousin treated my aunt and I didn't like it so I wasn't going to treat a step parent that way if I had one. He disliked her for no reason at all and it bothered me the way he treated her. It left an impression on me for sure.
So Dad remarried 6 years after the divorce. Had he remarried earlier I would have been fine.
This is such a healthy way of
This is such a healthy way of seeing the whole situation. I agree with everything you said and, like you, I would just want my parents to be happy.
Me too
That's exactly how I behaved during my parents' divorce and I thought my SKs would do the same. Big mistake. I was only eleven during my parents divorced, but I knew their marriage was not my problem. My father had betrayed my mom and she thru him out of the house. Bit her plans were not divorce. Her plans were to use me to manipulate him into breaking his affair and moving back. So, she forbid visits. During this time, she told meall sort of bad things about him. The problem was that I knew how manipulative she could be. Back then, I didn't know about triangulation but she had done that against me before forcing me into doing things I didn't want to do. So, I saw ended up seeing through her behavior. I phoned him at work and we talked everyday.
After 2 years, he was in an accident and had to be in surgery. She didn't allow me to visit him because the other woman would be there. That was enough to me. I was already 13 and I decided I would ride my bike everyday late in the afternoon. I visited my father almost everyday at where he lived with "the other woman". She was nice to me; I was nice to her. I began calling my own mother "the crazy one". My father stayed with this lady for 10 years and married another one after her. He eventually divorced this one too. After 20 years, my mother got what she wanted, my father back. Their marriage is as abusive as always. They both still try to talk to me about it. I just say. "You came back together because you wanted. It's not that you didn't know how she/ he was. I don't care. Not my problem".
Nowadays, what my mother did to me has a name. It's called parental alienation and here where I live it's a crime. When I met my husband, he had to adult children. I naively thought that if eleven year old me handled parental divorce easily, two adults would have it easy. Big mistake! Huge!
The way you said that about
The way you said that about getting married.. and the friends taking sides.. were you seeing him while he was married but then waited 5 years to actually marry yourself? or did you not meet until after his divorce/separation had occured? Because, while I'm not going to go all "pearl clutching" here.. and I totally understand that many marriages are over well before the actual split.. for reasons on BOTH sides.. if his daughter had any idea that you had been seeing him while he was still with her mother.. if her mother thought that.. there is almost no way he is going to be able to spin that to them to get you fully accepted. It takes two to tango.. but it's easier and more convenient emotionally to blame the "other woman"... The fact that his friends also turned.. seems like that could have been the case.. or at least there was an appearance that was the case. Again, life happens.. and people do things for reasons.. but when that is how a relationship starts.. there may have to be a bit of acceptance that not everyone is going to understand. (again...not sure if this is what happened here... but a few things seemed to point at it).
I would also not find the lack of invite to a place owned by the EX was strange. My YSD rented a house from me and her father.. her mom came and saw it.. once.. she knew that we were not going to be overjoyed to have the contentious EX in a home we owned.. even if we weren't living there ourselves at the time. That is something his daughter may have been aware of her mom's disapproval.. either unspoken.. or outright she was told to not have him and 'that woman" there.
But the rest.. yes.. you are pretty clear she is self centered.. that she did not accept you.. and barely accepted her father.. save for the fact that he had "stuff" he could give her or do for her. She was aligned with mom.. who may/may not have had a justified chip on her shoulder against her EX and his new wife.. and made it difficult for her daughter if she had any whiff of being friendly with you two.. beyond just enough to "stay in the will".
I think you can give yourself permission to put this behind you.. you sold the prize.. you moved out of her reach.. you don't have to deal with her.. or her mother.. I think you need to do the best you can at putting it behind you so that you can enjoy the last good years your husband has.. and enjoy the new lease on life you have.
Whatever the reason why his daughter was how she was.. even if she may have been justified in her resentment at you "stealing dad away".. it is what it is.. you cannnot change the reality you live.. so you need to do what you can to make the best of what is not a perfect situation.
ESMOD said it well
In her ever-clear way.
If people "picked sides", there was definitely some drama coming from somewhere, about your being with DH.
Good for you starting fresh. Now you can start your healing journey.
Moving away
saved us...it made disengaging that much easier.
His kids come once a year to visit for a week and go home!
Any drama they have going on and there is always something is not in my line of vision.
I do sometimes wish that things were different but then they would have to be different people...you know folks that don't lie to or about you, steal from you etc..etc..
Sigh...
Moving away
DH and I shared a bottle of bubbly looking out the windows of new home and felt at peace. It is not what we hoped for with his daughter, but no drama is best for us. Glad you found peace too.
Good for you. Good for you
Good for you. Good for you for taking your own life in your hands and doing something about the toxicity coming from SD. Her letter says it all, all.
Might I suggest a few sessions with a family counselor for you and DH? It sounds like you are going through some post-situational, potentially trauma stuff and possibly grief. A few sessions might set yourselves a bit freer, earlier in the process so you can enjoy life better! You deserve it.
Public service reminder that
Public service reminder that this girl killed OP's cat by letting loose a dog on her.
Is there any right time for
Is there any right time for divorced people to remarry when kids are involved?
No. DH and I met after his divorce, but Satan still carried on a jealous rage as if he was cheating on her, even though she left him for her longtime affair partner, Mealticket, years earlier. She demonized us to everyone who would listen, and people just sympathetized with her histrionics without really thinking about how nonsensical it all was. There are a lot of examples of that on here.
In her pea brain, he was supposed to sacrifice himself on the altar of their marriage forever, pining for her, worshipping her golden uterus, supplementing her income, and being her emotional crutch, while she went on with her life sponging off Mealticket. After all, she is so perfect that the demise of their marriage had to be all his fault, and no woman could ever want such a defective man as DH. Finding and keeping a quality woman threw a wrench in her delusional fantasy world.
These forums are littered with stories of BMs and skids of all ages expect their daddeees to coddle them in infinitum. Society really backs that up, everywhere you look you see articles with people vehemently asserting "The kids come first!" when Tragedeigh doesn't get a new car for xmas because SM said No.
IMHO the answer is.. any time you feel like it.
Dr. Laura wouldn't agree, but... my life, my choice and an X can F---k off and die IMHO.
If parents have and enforce stablished standards of behavior and performance they and their children can thrive and have a close relationship. The X's do not have to remain close though obviously remaining cordial and colaborative in parenting is best for all.
Though not necessary. If one is toxic, the other needs to keep the toxic person fully confronted, enforce the terms of the CO, and not tolerate interferance, manipulation, or toxicity.
IMHO of course.
Divorced widowed etc evidently there’s never a good time
My DH And I Married when my BD was 18 (almost 19) And my SD was 21 (almost 22). They are now in their 40s. My BD Really loved her SF. By SD? She never liked me from the day I walked in the house. There was nothing her father could do to change that. I am really kind of glad that it was my daughter who had the grandkids and my husband adored them. My SD never had any.