SD is 23 and still uses anxiety as a reason why she can't do anything!
You know the story of SD who had a breakdown with H last year and screamed at him and left in a taxi at 1AM because she just can't deal with him asking her questions about her life. She swore she hated him and would have nothing to do with him (for the umpteenth time!) even though just a few hours prior she told him she loved him and she'd be back up for his birthday 2 months later. Well she's held true to her owrd and has not contacted him nor him her in 10 months.
Just came across an old email tonight. This was an excerpt of a facebook conversation between H and SD in 2016 shortly before her 19th birthday:
H: Why aren't you going back to school?
SD: I feel that my mental instability would lead me to fail in my classes so I'd rather just wait another quarter.
H: What mental instability?
SD:I have been having the worst panic attacks and I'm worried I'll fail at school, but I'm going back to see a therapist and made goals today and actually cleaned the whole house.
H: You lack confidence.
SD:Yeah I think I do but I lack the most confidence in who I am so I think I need to figure that out.
H: So do something about it.
SD: And I'm trying that but I really think that I need to work on who I am like goalwise. Like I think I've lost who I've wanted to become so I have no plan.
H: Are you saving to go study in Europe for a summer?
SD: No I gave up on that for now and my job at Starbucks didn't go well. They have a whole burn book full of people they hate, like in "Mean Girls".
H: You have to stop taking things so personally.
SD: I know however that isn't right and it's not right when I worked more than 8+ hours in overtime and they won't pay me for it. So I quit.
H: Get a job in a vet's office.
SD: I'm going to try and work in a clinic up here. I think I just need to find my bearings before I take on that commitment.
She's just talking in circles about how she needs to work on her confidence but can't yet because she needs to find out who she is and she can't find out who she is until she gets her confidence and she can't get a job because she has no confidence. And she's accomplishing this by not going to school and not working and sitting on her butt all day on Facebook and her phone?? She apparently still has her job at the convenience store for all I know, but that's about as far as she's come in 4 years. A motivated person who wants to do all this stuff doesn't make excuse after excuse about it! It's all about her playing "Poor me. I can't do anything because I have no confidence and nobody likes me."And funny how every job she has she isn't there for more than a month or two because EVERYONE else is making her job hard or they are mean to her so she quits. It's NEVER because of her. Same with all the friend drama. She's no longer friends with several people because they did her wrong or lied to her or stole from her...never her fault or her attitude that caused issues. Hell, she even goes on about how all these adults and teacher hate her. Really??? And she STILL doesn't have her HS diploma and I'm sure never will.
I feel for you
My SD is 59 and she is still using this. "My anxiety is so bad, Dad, I can't (work, maintain a relationship, handle my bills, act like an adult, etc etc). Its tiresome.
I am conflicted because I don't understand enough about it and I do think she has some kind of problem. On the other hand, I'm pretty sure she is using this to avoid responsinility.
Anxiety IS why people fail to
Anxiety IS why people fail to launch and become adults. And if their parents enable them to continue to avoid dealing with their anxiety, it can go on forever, as you've found out.
If your DH didn't fall for that, she'd have to find ways to learn to manage and overcome it. The natural inclination when you are anxious is to avoid. Parents of Failure to Launch adults help them avoid by not pushing them to become independent and refusing to support them. So they never learn to cope with anxiety in a grown-up way.
In the OP's dialogue above, the parents should have pushed her to continue her schooling and/or get a job, and refused to support her taking time to "find herself" on their dime.
Both my biokids have anxiety.
Both my biokids have anxiety. They get it from both me and their dad. Therapy, meds, and not letting them isolate are important. Inaction and isolation just make it worse. My mom had it so bad it led to agoraphobia and she hardly ever leaves the house. My dad takes care of her but i wonder what she could have accomplished if she had to go out in the world. Do you want your DH taking care of SD forever?
Yes, exactly. The parents of
Yes, exactly. The parents of anxious kids need to learn how to gently push and hold the same expectations for them as they would if they didn't have anxiety.
I was an anxious kid and thankfully, my mother pushed me (sometimes a bit too harshly, honestly). My anxiety came from my father, and since my mother was primary parent, she didn't feel sorry for me or let me use it as an excuse not to do things. From that, I learned that I can manage it and that I don't need to hide from it.
It's hard to find the balance
It's hard to find the balance between compassion vs enabling vs being harsh, but it's so much more satisfying to get out and live vs being crippled by anxiety and depression.
Yes, I've thanked her for
Yes, I've thanked her for pushing me. It was what I needed.
It's amazing what people can
It's amazing what people can do when they are not enabled to do nothing.
Fadedbackground you said "She
Fadedbackground you said "She swore she hated him and would have nothing to do with him (for the umpteenth time!) even though just a few hours prior she told him she loved him and she'd be back up for his birthday 2 months later. Well she's held true to her owrd and has not contacted him nor him her in 10 months." If your SD mostly makes excuses and your DH had been enabling her, it probably is best that they love each other from a distance imho. Toxicity no matter the source takes too much of a negative toll on the people involved along with others. Most parents love their kids, but no matter how much parents want their kids to succeed, it really falls on the kids themselves (especially once they become adults). Unfortunately, not everyone believes in working for the things they want. When that is the case, parents should step back and allow their adult kids to figure it out. Just like parents get to mostly choose the life they want, their adult kids should get that same right without infringing on their parents life of course. If your SD doesn't want to better herself, it falls on her.
I am a very anxious person.
I am a very anxious person. Have been my whole life. I have had to learn how to manage it. Still waiting for when I can misbehave and get off the hook for having a good excuse.
Let my DH adopt you
Come over here and let my DH adopt you then you can get off the hook all you want! He will also support you and give you plenty of advice you can ignore. You can call and whine at all hours except the mean SM has now enforced no calls before 9 am or after 9 pm. You can also steal whatever he has except you don't really need to go to the trouble, just hint thst you need whatever it is. Life is good for an anxious person!
The part above about how she
The part above about how she quit because she worked 8 hours of overtime and they didn't pay her I'm sure sure isn't true. They would HAVE to pay her or she could take it to a higher level of management. Then that part about how they have a burn book like in Mean Girls about people they hate is beyond riduculous! For who? Customers or fellow employees? Is she apparently in this or is this a made up excuse for her to use for quitting? She worked in the stock room at Abercrombie & Fitch before that (the stock room, not even on the floor dealing with anyone!) and quit there saying that her fellow employees would try and start fights with her.and "nobody" like her. It's always been like this. Excuses as to why she can't keep a job and she can't understand why people don't like her.
Right after I moved up here 11 years ago we went roller skating with some other friends and their kids. SD, who was 12 at the time, kept telling me what a great skater she was. Well we get there and I start skating circles around her while she can barely put one foot in front of the other and she was going really slow. She barely skated at all before pouting and going to sit on the bench for most of the time. Is this what happens? She tells people how great she is at something but really can barely do it at all and then pouts and tells BM and H how kids are mean to her? She couldn't stand it when I'd beat her in a board game and would try and cheat. I mean yeah, I can see why other peers don't like her if this is how she is!
Time for some brutal clarity
Time for some brutal clarity for this voluntary train wreck of a Skid.
"Can't never does anything, and won't never will." If she asks what that means, explain to her that she works harder at avoiding life than she will ever work succeeding in life. "So, how many semester hours of credit did you earn this semester?" "How much money did you earn this month at your job?" Ask the same questions whether she is in school or not or working or not. When she spouts the excuse of the moment go to the "can't and won't" mantra.
Lather, rinse, repeat. If she is going to fail, make her work her ass off to fail and do not let her excuses go unconfronted. Hold her feet to the fire for her excuse driven life.