Remember me? Need advice again
My story is too long to repeat here; I posted a lot about a year go. It involved the SD getting mad at DH and I and selling her home next to ours. It is on land that DH had given her. There were property boundary issues; SIL threatened taking land by adverse possession. Ingrates. My DH caved and went to her 40th birthday dinner over my objections. Just SD/SIL, SIL's parents and BM!!! He has been going to GRSKID events out of state with them (including BM). This caused me to find a counselor. We went to a few counseling sessions, but we were overcome by events (both our mothers died within six months) and we didn't go back. The only time I have seen SD or GRSKID was at MIL funeral almost a year ago.
I bought Christmas gifts for GSKID last year but returned them after a while since she didn't come to get them. I was not going to send them with DH when he visited. They only live 15 minutes away. Same this year. He also told her my mother left a birthday card with money for her before she died. Still didn't come over. DH mentioned to GRSKID now that she can drive, why not come over without her mother and visit? She said she is independent of her mother and just might.
Situation I need advice on: DH has a big convention coming up that happens to be in our town. The last night is a dinner with entertainment by a well known performer. First is cocktail hour then seated dinner with entertainment following. DH has many business contacts there that we socialize with. Well, he told me last week that he invited GRSKID to come to the performance and bring a girlfriend. This is a ticketed event and the tickets aren't cheap. I told him then I didn't think it was appropriate for teenagers to go to that event and also it is the one night I will be staying over with him at the nice hotel. Was looking forward to a little overnight getaway (not that we never go out). He said if I didn't want GRSKID to go he would stop making plans. Yesterday he told me he had gotten four tickets. I reminded him that he said he would change plans since I objected, but he said he didn't remember that. (He really has been forgetting a lot of things lately.) We were at a restaurant when he told me about getting the tickets and I didn't want to get in a long discussion there. I told him I didn't think it was appropriate to take two teenagers to a sit down business dinner, but he said other people are taking kids. This year the dress for the event is casual; previous years it was a formal night. He said he wants her to come so she can be with me and we can do something together (since I'm excluded by her mother at her sports events).
If I continue to object will I look like the whiney wife who wants my husband all to myself? Will my reputation as a 'B' just be reinforced to the GRSKID if DH tells her she can't come now because SteppedOn won't let her? Do I pout and stay home and let him party with the teenagers? Do I go and just grit my teeth? I also don't want to be embarrassed by two teenagers at a dinner with business associates. Since I haven't seen her in a year, maybe she has matured a little, but I raised my DD with better manners and social skills and I don't want to appear responsible for her behavior at a social event. DH would be oblivious. Oh - he also invited her to a daytime exhibition at the convention hall. I told him I thought that was fine and I would go that day and walk around with them.
What do you think?
I would just go since the
I would just go since the tickets are paid for. You can play it by ear--if the kid is friendly and happy to see you, then go with that. If she is snobby and nasty, then just ignore her and talk to the other adults there. Kids that age are more interested in their friends and social life, so that may be why she has not come to see you. I would not take it personally at all. Just see what happens. If it is a disaster, then you know to just give up and not associate with her in the future.
The kid in question is
The kid in question is driving making her 16+. They mature a lot during that time. Instead of doing anti-social stuff give this a try.
Sometime during the daytime exhibition which I presume is before the dinner (or just before the dinner itself if that's not feasible) take the kids aside and tell them "Listen this is your grandfathers business associates we'll be sitting with and he will be very embarrassed if we (yes include yourself) don't put on our best manners. If you have any questions on which fork to use or why that little saucer of water is there just ask me or watch me and follow what I do".
Have grandpa sit next to his granddaughter, you sit next to her and the guest girl the other side of you effectively splitting the girls apart so they don't get silly if you're really worried. Or have the girls sit between you and grandpa. If necessary explain to grandpa that you don't want nubile teenagers sitting next to strangers. Like me for instance. At least an adult won't be more than one seat away.
GSKID has stayed away because
GSKID has stayed away because it is more than just teenager wanting to socialize with other teens. What caused SD to blow up at me and caused them to move was because SD brought GSKID's horse here to our property so she could practice. Was supposed to be short term, but then she didn't take it away and also planned to bring four more horses here. There isn't enough property; its against zoning and I'm involved in town matters so it was a bad situation. SD badmouthed me to GSKID and it looked like I was the 'B' who wouldn't support GSKID's hobby.
Problem with DH is he keeps doing things when I ask him not to, like go to SD's 'double date' birthday dinner; go on trips with BM and family without me, etc. Bought these tickets after I asked him not to.
Anyname - its a large trade show. He has clients there and a lot of business/personal friends from his previous career.
Thanks Orange County. Good
Thanks Orange County. Good practical advice. And no cell phones at the dinner table either.
Still, it isn't going to be the date night I envisioned and I think just having kids at the table will cause the other adults to have to modify their behavior somewhat. Have to watch what you say/do/drink. Seems not fair to the others. Not that I dislike kids - I was a teacher for many years.
Steppedon, Yes, the real
Steppedon, Yes, the real problem is your DH. He's bulldozing and forcing the sgkid on you. He doesn't seem to care either. It is not right that he goes to functions where BM is present. Weddings and funerals are different. He's doing what he wants without any regard for how you feel - and he's been doing this for quite a while. What did the the therapist say when you went for counseling? It is time to go back or save up for a temporary separation.
Sandye, you have been here
Sandye, you have been here long enough to know the situation better than some others. Turned out the therapist is in a second marriage. She had empathy. She told us her husband's ex used the call their home. She told her husband to tell her to call him at the office during the day; she didn't want BM calling their home. She understood how I felt about DH going on trips and staying in same hotel, etc. with BM. She also told me she wanted to see DH for some individual sessions so he could learn how to deal with SD, ie, learn how to deal with the daddy guilt. SD is 41; divorce was over 30 years ago.
In regard to SGSKID being rude to me - no, she hasn't, because I haven't seen her in a year, but she didn't come pick up Christmas gifts or birthday money after DH told her - I think that was rude. I sent her a text to congratulate her on turning 16 and getting her driver's license and she replied that she was sorry to hear about my mother's death. I don't have a problem with SGSKID. She is just a kid. The problem is with her mother and also DH going against what I asked (again).
Sorry if it sounded as if I
Sorry if it sounded as if I came on too strong. One SM on this site sent her DH away to stay with SD for a few months and it really opened his eyes. Glad your therapist supported you. Your DH needs to go back and finish his individual therapy and stop the bulldozing.
Hey that text from her with
Hey that text from her with condolences about your mother was a real good sign. I can't believe many skids or sgkids that we deal with on the adult skids part of the site would have achieved that level of politesse and even kindness, especially as a teen. Build on that. It's so much more real and genuine than hovering around you falsely in order to get presents. My YSD23 who is a sweetie to this day once came up to me when she was eight blushing deeply and with eyes cast to the ground, to report that I was not to give her any presents as she would not keep them (I had also just learned that BM at that time was doing things like burning presents I had given the skids). My heart went out to her and I instinctively moved toward her to cuddle her: but instead of relaxing into the cuddle, obviously she was a proud girl and she went as stiff as a board and stared very hard at the ground. That's when I saw how deeply children do their mother's will as to whom they can relate to properly, even when they really like the SM as she did and still does. So remember, just because a GSK rejects a present, actually that may say more about your SD's continuing nasty influence than it does about you. Keep remembering when you are there with the two girls that you've been a teacher and that this is a teen unconnected to you just like any former pupil of yours. You may see more good points in her than just the level of etiquette and compassion that she's managed to demonstrate thus far. And if you actually like her and her friend, how nice. It's nice for us mature women to reach over that generational gap and be friendly with unknown teens, they're always pleasantly surprised if we talk to them conversationally. Of course, if they are not so great then your Plan A of sitting far from them and graciously disowning them can always come back into play.
So the SGKID actually hasn't
So the SGKID actually hasn't been rude to you, just her mother. Well why not prove her mother wrong? Be polite. Tell her how nice she looks. Smile. And if she behaves like a brat sit on the one side of your DH and she can sit on the other side with her friend. This will distance you from them and if they play up you can just ignore them. If anyone asks who they are you can say "Oh the one in the black top is my husband's grand daughter. He invited her and suggested she bring a friend."
So it isn't a date night. This may be your opportunity to reconnect with SGKID or renew your vows to keep them as far away from you as possible.
And tell your DH this will be the last time you allow the "I forgot..." pass card. In future as his memory is failing him you will get important agreements to be signed off by both of you. Or play his little game. if he arranges something make other plans and say "Oh really? I forget agreeing to that..."
I can understand not wanting
I can understand not wanting to be around them if there had been tension or trouble in the past, but the first thing that came to my mind reading this is that it is YOUR DH CONVENTION so i think if he wants to include them YOU should support him and his decision on who he wants to bring. It shouldnt be what You Want.
My DH does the oh i forgot stuff too and yes it drives me crazy too. Looks like you will just have to suck it up and put on a happy face.
Instead of talking to me
Instead of talking to me about the plans and coming to a compromise, he just went ahead and did it. He has a history of doing this. In fact he invited her without asking me in the first place and then went ahead and bought the tickets after I expressed my opinion. I doubt many kids will be there. This is a national convention and not the kind of thing you take family to like if the convention is at Disney World or some other vacation spot. Also the tickets are very expensive and it was sold out. He had to do some finagling to get them.
Re the gifts - last Christmas they still lived next door. DH went over there alone for part of Christmas Day because SD "wasn't ready" to talk to me yet. (She still isn't ready, and I don't care anymore. She was way out of line for what she did.) So I wasn't going to just send gifts next door while I sat home excluded. Other family was at our house at that time, so it wasn't as if GSKID had to come over and have one on one with me. DH invited her over several times and after a month or so I just took the things back. I can see how you might think that is controlling, but I think otherwise.
This is getting off topic somewhat. My gripe really is with my husband, not her.
I think your husband has made
I think your husband has made it clear numerous times that your opinion is irrelevant to what he's going to do. But I wonder if its every time and every subject or is it just the grandkid that you disagree on?
I've been known to write "It's the right, indeed the obligation of grandparents to spoil their grandchildren". Within limits so it does not create ire within the parents but I doubt if that extends to second wives. Certainly not you in this case. All in all I think you're only choice is to accept what he's doing, tell him your opinion once then keep quiet.
Find a traveling companion and go to places you'd like to see. Las Vegas is always a good start. Tell him if he can't see his way towards taking you why then you'll take yourself. After all "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas". Wink wink.
I agree with SA on this one.
I agree with SA on this one.
Go, have fun and let your GSkid enjoy the event. My dad would occassionally take my brothers and I to a business event. Particularly seminars or conventions. Not the work portions but the social portions of the event.
Several companies I have worked for have done concert events. Those events always had a lot of people bringing family members.
There is no reason why you and DH can't enjoy the event and enjoy the evening in the nice hotel after the event. The GSkid can drive she and her friend home after the event.
Dupe
Dupe ..................................