Plans

Momof2Girls's picture

Yep I’m back!! I haven’t obviously set the clear boundaries I need to stay sane..

I made plans with my Mom to go to the beach this weekend with my two girls. My husband found out (who has his own plans all weekend) playing sports. He took it upon himself to mention to my SD19 that I’m going to the beach and then texts me that she wants to go. I’m so angry because why it is his place to invite his daughter to my plans?!? Like if all of us were going ok but I don’t want to spend my Saturday with her.  She has the personality of a brick wall.

she is 19, works and has a car. I am not her friend and not her event planner. I’m struggling to talk to my H about this without going off the deep end!!!

SteppedOut's picture

Right? If he is not going, you should not be obligated to bring his ADULT child. Tell him NO SKIDULT!

Kes's picture

This is wrong on so many levels - you need to have a serious talk with your husband.  SD19 is emphatically NOT welcome, on yours and your mother's date.  

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Perhaps you could tell him Sorry, but this trip is for family only? Lol, I kid, but you do need to lay some truth on him.

Your girls deserve to have their own childhood activities. Not EVERYTHING has to be blended, especially when the skids are adults. Sheesh.

tog redux's picture

"Sorry honey, I'd like some time alone with my mom and the girls, can you please tell her she isn't able to come after all?" via text, just like he did to you. 

What a jerk.  He could at least ask you if it's OK with you first.

StrawberryPie's picture

This is perfect and exactly what I'd do.  I'm mad at your DH for you!  He was totally out of line.  Text him back saying 'I'm sorry, we already made plans and it wont work out bringing SD19'.  Then have a serious talk w DH about his nonsense later.

Winterglow's picture

Text him back "She wasn't invited - so you can tell her she can't come." 

Then turn your phone off Smile

 

Harry's picture

Your plan with your mother does not include SD.  Just text him back.  And make shure SD does not go 

GrabitAndGo's picture

For once I'm on your side, OP.  Your DH was way out of line.  I'm with the others who said he needs to tell her she's not invited.  If he doesn't want to do that, you take the reins and tell her yourself.  That or leave your house with your DDs when she isn't there or isn't awake.  

Thisisnotus's picture

ugh this makes me angry for you. I can totally see my DH doing this.........but in my case since I never know what to do....I would just cancel the trip altogether. I know that's not right....but I'd be so frustrated and angry....that it would now be pointless to go and I wouldn't be able to tell SD or DH no with any good reasoning.

Siemprematahari's picture

When I read things like this I wonder why these men are so inconsiderate and what gave him the impression SD should be invited if she doesn't even like you (I'm assuming)? I'd text back that your plans are already confirmed and he should take SD with him on his weekend plans so he can spend valuable quality time with her and have a dandy ole time.

futurobrillante99's picture

Incredibly rude of your DH. Find some neighborhood kid and invite them to join your DH for his weekend activities. What an ass.

ndc's picture

Your DH is clueless.  He knows how you feel about SD and still he invites her to come along on a trip with your mother?  He is either really dumb or he prioritizes his princess so far above you that he can't see reason.

I would tell him that this is an outing where your mother wanted to spend time just with her daughter and her grandchildren, and that it was inappropriate of him to invite his daughter (of course, it's always inappropriate if he doesn't ask you first).  Let him know the SD will NOT be going and it is on him to let her know.

Momof2Girls's picture

Thank you everyone. I need to sit down and tell him I would appreciate if he asked before inviting SD to come along when I am doing things. My plan is to go tomorrow but leave when she is still sleeping. I am not obligated to entertain a 19 yo. 

tog redux's picture

The annoying part is that HE doesn't want to entertain her, so he expects you to.

OP, it's long past time to have it out with him about this SD. You are tolerating her living there, but that doesn't mean you have to schlep her along for all of your weekend plans too. If he wants to take her to the beach himself, he can go ahead and do so.

Until you set him straight, he's going to continue with this crap. Don't say "I'd appreciate it you did this or that," say, "DH, It makes me frustrated and angry when you invite SD to go along with me without my knowledge, after you KNOW I am doing all I can to tolerate living with her. Don't do it again."

You are way too nice.

Winterglow's picture

If she wakes before you manage to leave and challenges you, just say "Did I invite you? No. You're not coming." Be blunt. 

I'd be inclined to add something about her grabbing the opportunity to spend quality time with her father ...

Momof2Girls's picture

I left before she came out of her room this morning. She would never confront me and probably will not say a word to my husband either. I spent 7 hours out of the house. My mom asked why I didn’t bring her along but really I don’t spend my weekends with her. If my H feels so damn guilty leaving her home then he can take her to the beach or wherever. It’s not my job. I include her in family activities, pay for things even and never get a thanks. 

I need to stop feeling obligated. My H texted me a few times today and never once asked about her. I think he knows deep down I would never bring her...

sandye21's picture

Good for you.  Too bad for him, now he'll have to explain it.  This is the consequences of over-stepping and disrespect.

hereiam's picture

If she never talked to you (asked) about going, there's not much for her to say. Your husband saying she wanted to go didn't mean that you intended to take her or that you were obligated to take her.

Curious Georgetta's picture

What stops you from saying, " I do not wish to invite your daughter on trips and outings that I plan?

If that statement changes his feelings for or about you, at that point you then know how he feels about the real you.

I cannot imagine anything less appealing than having to tiptoe around a relationship and having to hide the real you.

How can you ever trust that your partner really cares for you when you spend time and energy in hiding the real you?

Does he love you; or does he love the person that you are pretending to be?

 

 

 

MurphysLaw's picture

CG, 

You could turn an uncooked macaroni inside out.

If Christ All Mighty came down from the heavens and said your views were wrong & argumentative, you tell him He’s insecure & and just feels that way cause He has no children of his own.

You know, it’s such a beautiful summer day out, why don’t you jump on Facebook for the rest of the day & stalk your brother in-law & his new wife and give us all a break from your all knowing wisdom.

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

I would say she is being the real her, and that husband was being a bit thoughtless. I wouldn’t want to be put in that position. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

do,  removes any ambiguity.

I do not live with OP and yet I know that she does not want her SD living with her and not is she looking for an opportunity to take SD on any elective outing.

If OP were to say this to her husband in a direct and forthright manner, they could avoid any misunderstanding   They would than me able to deal openly and honestly with the issue.

As long as your actions are dictated by fear of the possible consequences , you will never reach any mutually acceptable resolution.

There can be no change without some risk.

hereiam's picture

Since his text just said that she wants to go, I would've responded, "That's nice but not this time."

He had no right to assume it would be okay with you, just because his daughter wants to go. Especially, knowing the tension between the two of you.

He cannot force this girl on you and he needs to accept that.

TwelveLongYrs79's picture

SD19 was going to her mother's for the weekend - she lives with us FT as well.  I wanted to go to the beach with my children "alone" . If I had informed her I was going to the beach, she would have probably dropped her mother in a hot minute and wanted to come with me.  I even left DH at home!

I wanted to spend time with my children who quite frankly have been pushed to the side bc our lives have unfortunately revolved around SD19, Skankula and their whole existence for way too long. I wanted them to have their mother to themselves.  I did not want to spend time with an ungrateful adult who would have tried to boss her siblings around and been annoyed at their existence and try to (even at her age) be the center of attention the entire time.

 

 

Rags's picture

The direct approach is the best IMHO. "Oh, I am sorry my dear.  This is a genetics trip we have been planning for a while. Usually I wouldn't have a problem with SD-19 going with us but this is a special trip for my mom, me and my girls.  Sorry, maybe next time."