"Nice" is just another word for Doormat in StepWorld

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Every so often I get a call from ss26 or SDIL. Usually I get these calls while I'm working, driving etc so I let it go to voicemail. The problem is that they don't leave me messages so for the last 3 years I call them back, "Hey I saw I missed a call from you. What's up?" Usually it's some request, babysitting, do we have such and such to borrow, are you guys home. But I'm just tired of the whole I must call you back to see what you want since you don't bother to leave me a message. Is leaving a message really that hard? I know I've trained them to do this because I want them to "like" me, to bring the sgrands over to visit DH and I. I want DH to know that I care and like his kids. My inner doormat is strong!

It happened again yesterday while I was driving so I didn't pick up. No message left, no text and consequently no return call from me. I'm done trying to chase down their approval. Well it's not even exactly approval it's calling back them back to see how I can grovel and serve them for DH and I to get their teeny bread crumbs of affection. Why am I putting myself in the middle to try to facilitate their relationship?! It's a weird little game but I'm stepping away, stepping back. They can leave a message if they want me to call them or they can call DH.

Disengaging a little more....

Thanks for your insight. So

Thanks for your insight. So is texting the only way for anyone to reach you? I'm pretty clueless sometimes when it comes to cell phones. I had a turn dial hooked to the wall in my kitchen in high school. Wish I could go back to those days, so much simpler.

I don't call them back either

I don't call them back either if they don't leave a message. I figure it must not be important.

I don't call anyone else back

I don't call anyone else back who hasn't left a message, just them. Doormat on Overdrive here.

I do not answer calls if I

I do not answer calls if I don't know the number. On the rare occasion I break this rule I am almost always sorry.

If I miss a call from an unknown number - I will listen to the message if they leave one (at my convenience). And then I'll decide whether to return the call or not. I will not call back an unknown number without a message. If I miss a call from a known number I decide whether I want to return it or not.

I feel no obligation to return any phone call that comes in. Someone calling my phone does not amount to a command for me to talk to someone. If it's really important the person will either leave a message or call back. And if it is still not important to me I'll continue to ignore messages and phone calls.

SS30 had my phone number several years ago but lost it during one of his many phone changes. Neither he nor his GF have my number, and that's a good thing.

"Someone calling my phone

"Someone calling my phone does not amount to a command for me to talk to someone."

I'm going to write this in Sharpie on my arm until I get out of this bad habit!

If they choose not to leave a

If they choose not to leave a message, you are not obligated to return their call.

Just seeing somebody's number on caller ID, is not a reason for me to call them back.

People may be inconvenienced by having to listen to their messages, but it is annoying to me to leave someone a message, only to have to repeat it when they call back after seeing my number. Voice mail is for leaving messages.

It is also annoying for people to call me just because they saw my number. Maybe I dialed by mistake, maybe I changed my mind, maybe it was nothing important and I don't want a call back. People don't always think about dialing *67 before they place a call.

Especially annoying is when people do this to a place of business. They see a number on their caller ID, call it and ask, "Did somebody from there call me?"

When caller ID first came out, it was great for screening calls. Now, it's just made people lazy and annoying.

"If they choose not to leave

"If they choose not to leave a message, you are not obligated to return their call.

Just seeing somebody's number on caller ID, is not a reason for me to call them back."

Got it! Thank you

Good for you for coming to

Good for you for coming to this realization and making this small change in your own behavior. You will feel stressed and guilty at first but soon you will free, even liberated! You will wonder what took you so long! Likely you will also notice other ways that you have been doormatting yourself and start cutting those off as well. You will have so much more energy and headspace! Good for you!

Thank your for your affirming

Thank your for your affirming comment. It's amazing how something so silly is making me feel guilty. Yeah, why did it take me 3 years to have this "Aha" moment?! I was just thinking about other ways I've bent over backwards for these two to make their lives easier while seriously inconveniencing mine. I'm in my 40's and still learning new tricks; Don't roll over, don't beg, don't sniff their butts.... Don't call back and apologize for missing their calls then ask what I can do for them!!!

You gave me a good laugh!

You gave me a good laugh! "Don't roll over, don't sniff!" Hahaha! Your dh is a lucky man and never forget that!

Do you think your skids

Do you think your skids expect you to call them back? How much do you think your skids value you or your time, and what (in your heart) do you think their opinion is of you? Have you ever received a "Thank you" for taking and delivering messages to DH?

I can really relate to this. I knew by the way SD treated me with impatience, looks and acts of contempt that I was not at the top of her list of favorite people but boy, did I try like heck to gain her approval! I tried with big things like supporting DH when he was putting SD through college, and little things like being nice on the phone when she would call and blurt out, "I want to talk to my Dad." Not, "Hello, Sandye. How are you?" Looking back, I was looking more for DH's approval than SD's. Surely, if I catered to his princess and served as DH's secretary, he would see how hard I tried and possibly make our marriage a priority. Not once have I received a thanks or even a hint of one. Not in 24 years.

4 1/2 years ago I banned SD from our home. This is probably an advanced stage of 'disengagement'. I do not speak to her on the phone. I am glad I am not the 'messenger', or the doormat anymore. You may feel a bit of guilt for a while but believe me - it wears off. LOL LOL

I agree with you Sandye21,

I agree with you Sandye21, they never say thank you or appreciate things you do for them. I use to go out of my way to be nice and do things for my skid. What did I get in return, snotty attitude, verbally abused and disrespected. I started to disengage and the treatment was the same, but the nice thing it didn't bother me as much. Now I refuse to speak to him until he apologizes for the straw that broke the camel's back, that was almost 5 months ago so I doubt that will happen, and he doesn't come around our house anymore which is fine by me.The 20 year kid doesn't even treat his own father with respect and just uses him anyways.

Not even my own kid….never mind skids…lol

IF they don't leave a message

IF they don't leave a message it wasn't important….

I never call back…:)

Not even my own kid….never mind skids…lol