ExH Conflict Avoidant
I talked with adult DD today who told me about the latest visit with her father. DD was laid off work due to Covid-19 so her dad met her for lunch and gave her a few hundred dollars to help out. After he gave her the money he told dd not to text him thank you or mention it to him again. "I heard you say thank you, that was enough." "I don't want an argument with third wife, she can't know about this." I had to supress my laughter when dd was telling me the story since it's the classic "Poor Me in the Middle" story, and let's pit my child against my wife scenerio. I'm the good guy, she's the bad one. The gesture of helping her out was a good one but he went about it in a completely dramatic and assaine way. It was just another reminder of why I'm so glad I'm not married to him.
I'm almost tempted to email him and praise him for generously helping out DD during this crisis. His wife reads and responds to his emails >:-)) Of course I won't though because then dd wouldn't share with me anymore, but it is tempting.
As a SM put yourself in your
As a SM put yourself in your DD SM's shoes and don't email him. He's dense and an idoit. He shouldn't have even said that to your DD knowing he knows the respectful thing to do which is just tell his wife and she might be okay with it instead he chose to throw SM under a bus. He should help your DD out, if he can, hell my dad called me out the blue a week ago to meet him to give me $350. Of course, I didn't keep declining it (his SD my SSisiter and SM has practically drained him) when he kept insisting because I never ask and take care of mine. But I bet a million bucks his wife probably didn't know but I have another level of respect because I know he didn't tell me not to tell his wife. He did say "I help her I can help all my girls you got 4 kids to her 1" but still..
Oh I absolutly won't email
Oh I absolutly won't email him, not for his sake but for dd's. Yes he's a dense idiot throwing this wife under the bus, just like he did to me when we were married! His wife will catch him hiding something, just like exwife #2 did. I don't have to help out. Just had to share this ridiculousness and my wicked thought so it can dissipate.
I'm all for helping adult kids out especially in a time of crisis. Your dad did it the right way without the drama.
I also don't see it as drama or poor me ...
I see it as he wanted to help his daughter out and maybe for whatever reason he didn't really have it to give but wanted to do it anyway. Because of this for whatever reason he didn't want anyone to know, his wife or maybe even you. I don't know any of the history here but it was nice of him to put her needs ahead of whatever trouble it could cause in his life in doing so.
If a child isn't asking for money all the time and as long it is not a huge amount I don't think a spouse has to share that they gave their child some money. These are just my thoughts. It is also none of my business and I don't know your history but I am not sure why you care about why he asked her not to mention it. I think you should just care that he helped her out and leave it at that.
I'm very grateful that he
I'm very grateful that he helped her and have left it at that as stated in my post.
Too much sharing?
I think your DD might have shown more restraint. I understand you are her mom and she feels close to you and likes to "share" with you, but she probably shouldn't have repeated what he said about his wife. She could have simply told you her dad gave her some money to help her out. As an adult, she should understand this.
I think it would be better all around if you told your DD not to share those kinds of details with you anymore. "Honey, you know I don't have anything against your dad and I am glad you have a relationship with him. But I really don't need to hear anything he has to say about his wife, so I'd rather you don't share that with me."
Apply the golden rule: Would you want your DD to tell your ex things you said about your spouse/partner?
The best thing would be for
The best thing would be for her father to show more restraint and not share his drama and personal issues about his wife with his daughter. DD could share whatever she wanted to about what I say about DH because I only talk him up to my kids. I intentionally only share the good stuff because I know things may get repeated.
Hi stilllearning - The fact
Hi stilllearning - The fact that he is on his 3rd wife speaks volumes.
But it was nice of him to help his, and your, daughter out.
It's interesting how many SM
It's interesting how many SM's responded that it was okay for exH to secretly give dd money and make it a point of keeping it secret from his wife. I honestly was not expecting that response.
This was an interesting post,
This was an interesting post, especially considering the responses. I have to admit, my first thought when I read this was ‘the SM sounds like hard work’. Ugh. How’s that for programming for you...
This seems like a simple situation but there’s a lot happening here. You know your exh better than any of us, so if you say he’s being dramatic in telling your DD not to mention anything so his wife doesn’t get upset, I’ll take your word for it. Who’s to say that she’d get upset in the first place? And if she did, is it because he’s irresponsible with money? Do they not have an extra few hundred dollars to give to adult children? Or is she really just an unreasonable person? Who knows, all i know is my first instinct was to assume the SM was unreasonable, and that deserves to be challenged.
I don’t think spouses should keep things from each other. I am not one who believes there is innocence in a lie of omission, and I say this with confidence because I’ve been hurt many, many times by lies of omission, and it hurts & breaks trust just as much as an outright lie does.
At the same time, I do think, if there is money available and no financial abuse happening, partners should be able to spend a certain amount without telling each other on whatever they want. The fact that your ex felt the need to lie leads me to believe that either he & his wife don’t have that agreement in place, he’s being dramatic & stirring up trouble needlessly, or his wife really is difficult and he feels the need to lie, which is it’s own issue & they need to work on their relationship instead of bringing your DD into it that way.
This one really made me think!
I have to admit, my first
Isn't that what we all think until we are that wicked SM. I'm sure the responses would have been different if I as a SM had posted about DH secretly giving grown ss's money and telling them not to tell me about it because it would supposedly cause a fight. DH has secretly given ss's money several times. DH is pretty bad at being sneaky so I usually know about it. One time I saw him meeting ss33 in the driveway at night and giving him cash. It looked like a drug deal. It was so ridiculous I couldn't look at DH with a straight face for a week. I have no idea what DH tells ss's during these exchanges but if he were throwing me under the bus I'd be p*ssed!