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susan54's picture

My step-son is almost 21 years old, lives at home, and has always lived at home.  My husband has always had full custody of him.  After high school, he went to college for about 2 semesters.  Because of his grades, he was put on academic probation.  Ever since, he is just living here at home, not working, gaming most of the time, staying up half the night, hanging out with friends, etc.  He does nothing here at home.  His room looks like a bomb exploded in it.  His dad and I have been married over 10 years.  My husband has always been over-protective of him and pretty much coddled him all his life.  My husband and I have separate bank accounts and pretty much keep our money separate, which is fine and it works for both of us.  My husband continues to pay everything for his son.  He pays his car insurance, property taxes, cell phone, buys groceries for him, gas, everything.  Anytime there is something wrong with SS's car, my husband is all over it - taking it to get worked on or working on it himself.  SS never has to do anything.  SS's car gets bird poop on it, my husband is taking it right down to the car wash and cleaning it up for him.  HE DOES EVERYTHING FOR THIS BOY!  I am almost to the point of asking my husband what step-son's plans are - is he going to get a job, go back to school.  He has friends that have recently gotten an apartment - they are working and have started "adulting".  I want to talk to my husband about it, but I know he becomes so defensive about his son, and then the conversation just goes nowhere.  Has anyone else gone through something similar to this?  Am I wrong?  I feel like part of your job as a parent is to prepare your child for life - for the real world out there.  I feel like SS needs to be doing something productive - ANYTHING!  He's not a bad kid - just has zero motivation and husband does nothing to instill any motivation whatsoever.  I think part of my husband doesn't want him to leave the nest.  I am past the point of being ready because I feel like there are 3 of us in the relationship.  I would like to start the last chapter of our lives together (we are both over 55).  My husband treats this boy like he's still 8 years old.  Until SS's friends got their own place, they used to come over and spend the night all the time - just like they were still in middle school.  One of my step-son's friends stayed with us for 5 days until I said something - then I was made out to be the bad guy - like I was being mean.  Can anyone please give me any insight - am I wrong?  Am I missing something here?  My daughter is 22.  When she decided after high school that she wasn't going to go to college, I told her that if she wasn't going to go to college, then she was going to get a job - that she needed to do something productive.  So she got a job - she moved out when she was 18.  I am at my wits end with this situation - not trying to "kick him out the door" but for pete's sake, he's almost 21 years old!  

Kaylee's picture

Yeah, your husband is not doing his son or himself any favours by mollycoddling him like that.

The son will never learn to grow up and fend for himself....and eventually you will tire of this bullshit and move on.

 

tog redux's picture

You are describing my SS21 to the letter! Only, he's living with BM, not with us. But he's exactly the same - not a bad kid, but a total Failure to Launch. BM has always coddled him and pays for everything. She's never been able to push him and she still can't. He's been avoiding responsibility with her help since I met him 11 years ago.

I can't believe you are only "almost" to the point of asking DH what the plan is. You've put with him doing nothing for over 2 years without asking about the plan? It's well past time for a Come To Jesus meeting. 

Stepdrama2020's picture

You should kick him out the door! 

What kind of marriage has three? A crowded one I suppose. This chapter of your life, the one where you have adult kids, is a time for you and DH to have peace. Hope he takes your car to get washed when a bird shits on it. That would drive me nuts. Your DH gets defensive because he knows you are right. Your DH has major issues if he cannot let lil' Johnny grow up.

Obviously your DH is a piss poor parent and a piss poor husband. Obviously a marriage for two is not all that important to him.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You need to find a therapist experienced in blended family issues who can work with you and your H to launch the adult skid. Counselling will provide an impartial third party who can point out to your H how selfish he's being and how he's crippling his kid.

You should also privately decide what your own limits are for putting up with this crap, and get your ducks in a row in case your H proves too weak to create healthy change.

Rags's picture

No, you are not wrong.

I would stop paying anything regarding support of the household. Nothing. Period. Dot.

No utilities, none of the mortgage, nothing for food, nothing for vehicles (other than your own).  Your SS is the full time resident of the home, like 24/7 resident. Your DH is there also.  So, from an hours per individual perspective, you should bear no cost.

See how DH likes paying for everything.  

Enjoy your money.

DH has to get his adult son ot launch, you have to get your DH to grow up.  Pulling the money plug should get his attention.

sad and frustrated's picture

Hello and looking for any helpful advice from anyone who is dealing with the same issue???? To sum it up , my son went through a divorce 5-6 yrs ago. He has two children , who were very young at the time. My son's wife left him and the kids. Fast forward one child lives with my son and the other one lives now with the mother. Both were with my son. Being the grandmother , I could not handle seeing them go without food or clothing. I made the mistake of " over helping " and got into debt. I have paid off most of it now. My son since has a perfect storm of medical issues and is on disability. He's had odd jobs here and there but never keeps one. My husband has no respect for him because he does not work. He is capable of doing something at least part time. 

I agree with most of what my husband says about my son , but the issue I have is now I feel like I'm having to make a choice between him or my son. I have explained to him that I can't continue to hear bad comments. My son has pick up on the attitude towards him.

The real kicker is that my hubby has two kids of his own who sued him over college/University costs and child support. I was very supportive to him during this time and found a way to put aside my feelings of dislike towards his kids , but now it's his turn and he can't seem to do the same. I feel like my marriage will end because of this.

reedle2021's picture

You are absolutely correct in wanting to know the plan for your SS.  Your situation sounds exactly like my current situation except that my husband does not work.  He coddles my stepson, who is 21.  SS doesn't work, flunked out of ONLINE school 3 years ago, and has been unemployed for 16 months, sporadically employed before that, been fired from jobs and not eligible for rehire at many.  SS is allowed to sit around and smoke pot, play video games, sleep all day - no expectations.  My husband works on his car if it needs something, brings him his food on his plate to the dinner table, treats him exactly like a 2 yr old.  I feel your pain.  I have asked my husband what the plan is but he gets angry if I question his son.  You do have a right to ask what his son's plans are but be prepared for pushback.  Establish some boundaries (I never did and it bit me in the a$$) and know what you are willing to accept and not accept.  Also, hopefully your husband will be open to conversation and a plan to deal with his son.  Again, I can completely relate to your situation - it is a frustrating and lonely place to be.  Hang in there, know you are supported and you are not wrong!  Smile

Chelseaman83's picture

With a 28 year old SS,Mummy treats him like he's still an 8yo,But he has no lisence no car no job,All he does is wake up at midday go on his laptop does his "Studying or uni work" then goes back to his room at 1pm smokes weed as you can smell it drifting down the hall way,Comes out again about 5pm does a workout stinks the family sun room out with real bad body odour,About 7 comes in asking mummy what's for his dinner,Then the rest of the night is video gaming and loud talking and laughing swearing until about 3am, Continue the same schedule the next few days and rarely showers,This has been going on for three years,I speak out about it I'm put on the dog house or told to shut up and leave him alone or else I can leave,I feel you and know exactly what you are going through Smile

onthejourney's picture

Sounds a lot like my situation.  My SS is almost 27 and it's like he can't do anything on his own.  He has a degree and an HVAC certification and finally got a job working for his wealthy friend who owns lots of McDonald's franchises.  Supposedly if he works his way up, he is going to help him get his own franchise.  SS always looking for the easy way out and has money to fly around for trips but can't get a decent car or pay his insurance.  Now his car just died and I am waiting to see what kind of crap DH is going to come up with.  My son is only 20 and much more responsible.  My husband will admit my son is the best one of the bunch but whenever I suggest anything, he is super defensive so I just disengaged.