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Joe 52's picture

Hi i am engaged to a lovely women. the problem is her 19yr old son. He didnt grad high school this year and just skipped school most of the time because he is up every night playing video games and wont get out of bed for school. inlisted in summer school but the same thing just wont get up in morning. works only a few hours on weekend and when i told him what is he going to do when he has to work 40 hours a week he just laughed at me and said your real funny. Made me mad! But held my mouth.He is a real bad mamas boy and worry about what is going to happen when we marry and move in with each other........Help?

tog redux's picture

Don't marry or move in with this woman until she gets him launched. He's not going to listen to you as an authority figure and it will be a miserable experience, you hating every minute while she protects her son from any consequences for his actions.

Make clear now that these are the conditions of getting married, and you will find out how invested she is in you.

susanm's picture

^This.  No launch equals no marriage and no living together.  If he laughed in your face at the idea of working then you have been clearly warned that this man-child is a package deal permanently until his mother has a good enough reason to make him grow up.  So unless you plan on having 3 people in your marriage, don't get married until it is taken care of.

JustAnotherStepMomPNW's picture

100% this! Most of us didn't address this type of thing before we jumped with love into our fairy tale and here we are....

There is a light's picture

Hmmm ....  I would think twice about marriage until you have sorted out this Skid problem.

Curious Georgetta's picture

and living arrangements in depth with your fiancee?   Do you both have a clear understanding of your respective contributions and expectations?

Are you willing to support her son? Will you object to her using her personal finances to continue assisting her son,?

Do you subscribe to the notion that what is yours on the day that you get married automatically  becomes hers as well?

Are you expecting that any finances that she brings to the table will automatically become yours as well?

Finances, particularly as relates to adult children, seem rarely to be discussed prior to marriage in step world.

In the hope of creating a peaceful and happy future, please discuss these issues prior to getting married.

Better to know  if your views and expectations are not the same before you become legally entangled.

If you know now that you do not wish to live with her son, this is the time to say so. 

Living alone in peace is better than living together in conflict

 

Sandybeaches's picture

Have you had discussions with your finance about his behavior and when she thinks it is appropriate for him to grow up and start fending for himself?? 

The problem now is since he is an adult now he has not been taught any of the skills to take care of himself and just his laughing in your face proves he doesn't think he has to.  This is a real long battle ahead for you if you enter into this marriage on these terms.  I also believe she is not likely to just kick him out and even if she did he would still be a constant problem as he has no skills to take care of himself.  

I woild agree with all the others do not enter into this marriage on these terms.  If you really want to be with this woman approach the situation with her as you are concerned for soon to be step-son.  How will he take care of himself in the future someday when she dies if he has never been taught skills.  Maybe you can get her to see the light that way but the bottom line is this is not an over night fix.  You can't take a whole life of mistakes and things he has not learned and teach it to him in a day ... 

tog redux's picture

Yep. Mama's Boys are Mama's Boys because Mama wants it that way. And only Mama can undo it and make him grow up.

ChTown's picture

Nip it in the bud...NOW. My SS19 (whom has never lived with us--just the usual visitation for the past 12 years), flunked out of his first year of college and DH allowed him to move in with us. He works as a waiter, donates zero money to the household, has no plans, and DH simply sees him as his 'buddy' and does no active parenting of this MAN CHILD. It's totally ruining our relationship. As another poster said, deal with it now. When we married, our kids were babies, and we didn't think to discuss what happens when they're young adults. I could kick myself in the ass now. 

 

RJ's picture

I'm sure this is not what you wanted to hear, but all of the above advice is good advice.  Before you enter this marriage, open your eyes, things will not get better after getting married usually much worse.  Please don't think things are going to change just because you're now married.

Being a parent does not mean you're the child's "friend" it's teaching the child how to fly on their own, become a successful/independent adult.  I've seen many parents continue to enable their entitled adult children well into mid-life, like 40's.... What makes this situation worse is the fact that you are a stepparent, and it sounds like your opinion on this situation is not being heard prior to being married.  You and your future spouse HAVE to be on the same page regarding the children, or you're going to have one rocky marriage.

Been there/done that - 30 years, married to a Disneyland father, who didn't want to say no to any of his kids, made me the bad guy/tough parent - even to our biological children.  I still resent my DH for always being the "good" guy, while I had to be the disciplinarian, but I realize that's who he is, and he now sees it, but it's done permanent damage to our relationship with my stepkids.

Seek counseling before marrying this woman, open your eyes and read the writing on the wall.  Don't go into this marriage thinking it will change, do yourself a favor and work this out before walking down the aisle.  Don't make the same mistake many of us did thinking/hoping it would get better.

Murkywaters's picture

Honestly, this is a big red flag.  You either stall the wedding, break off the engagement, or muzzle yourself.  Best of luck.

stay or go's picture

Do not marry her until this is resloved! I am in a similar situation though my ss 18 did at least graduate barely. If she is not making him take responsibility for himself now, it will NOT get better this I promise. And then it will fall on you to discipline him or try and set him on a path to success. You will resent her, find it hard to like him and regret getting married. Please talk to her before you get married or I'm afraid you will have a long and difficult road ahead. best of luck!

somethingwicked's picture

 

Mom may move skid out (temporarily) just to   placate you  and then SURPRISE!! post   marriage vows that big ,fat ,lazy couch potato could indefinitely  move back in  because Mommmmeeee misses her little boy and can't see him couch surfing or sleeping in the park.

Plus  your wife will expect your income to help maintain this huge slug of a human she turned out .

I'd end this relationship.

Find a woman who is not emotionally enmeshed with her adult slug spawn.Yuck.