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Just a vent.

Newimprvmodel's picture

Just a vent.  My husband and I share 3 adult kids between us. He and I were estranged from his daughters for years and the oldest pulled crap on him only a few years ago when she was 25. But I digress. The real issue is that for 12 years DH has had a warm relationship with my kids and family. They grew up with him around. For the most it went well. DH is now enmeshed with one daughter  who will be attending grad school only a few hrs from us. She and her sis live on the opposite coast now. DH now wants to “give her some financial support”.  She does live with a bf who works. Our finances are separate. We still have the two homes we started with and his is in great disrepair. So when he mentioned this I said whatever you want. It exclicited a huge tirade about how I am not a partner. I ended up telling him that she can afford debt better than him at this age. Which is fact. Anyway thanks for listening. The real issue is he wants me to feel warm toward his daughters like he with my kids. It is not realistic. 

Newimprvmodel's picture

6 kids between us!

SacrificialLamb's picture

Does he provide financially for your kids? I seriously doubt it.  He's gaslighting you by saying you are not a partner. You have no financial obligation to his DD and if he wanted to provide for her studies, he should have saved ahead of time. 

Sounds like your DH is trying to buy his DD's love.

Many parents feel that a college education is the child's responsibility, and the parent should be focusing on retirement. I know only one couple that paid for their daughter's graduate degree.  I paid for my son's undergrad and he paid for his graduate degree. He told me later it taught him a lot about budgeting and spending. 

Tell your DH that most parents do not provide for their child's graduate degree. If he chooses to do so that is choice, but it will not be subsidized by you nor should it negatively impact his retirement or plans you have made together.

Newimprvmodel's picture

Actually he has. Provided vehicle for one of my sons still in college.  He is not asking me to pay for his daughter. Just to agree. BTW he paid thousand of college for his children while estranged from them. 

My belief is once you are college graduate and living with someone you are on your own. BTW this same daughter took several trips to Europe knowing she would attend grad school. 

Missingme's picture

Spoiled brats and a guilty, enabling father.  Ridiculous.  Don't agree with him.  It's time for DH, not his kids, to grow up emotionally.

ndc's picture

So he wants you to basically lie to him and say you are agreeable to him giving his daughter money for grad school even though you really aren't?  Is that what he thinks partners do?  I would think a true partner would discuss it, express her opinion and the reasons for that opinion (grad school should be on the kid, money is needed for repairs on his house and retirement savings, loans are available to students but not to parents in retirement, etc.), and then if the finances are separate, let the partner know that the final decision is his to make.

Harry's picture

How is getting this money for his DD.  Has it saved ?  Going to pay it out of his pay checks ? Or is taking a lone ? 

If he has money saved for his kids education then he should used this money for her...  if it’s coming out of his pay checks ,  then there should be a discussion on how much he can afford to give her and still maintaining your life. As he paying his bills, money for you two going out and vacations.  That it will not cost you money.  As you covering more of monthly bills.   He should not take a load to pay for his DD education.  What happens if he get sick or hurt.  And can not work anymore.  Can he still maintain your life you have, or are you going to be paying it back ??  Or he pays the load and you pay everything else.  

Is he think about retirement. And how he can afford to retire.  As in he may be force to retire before he wants. Jobs go away, business close.  Business go bankrupt ect. 

Newimprvmodel's picture

We are both 60 plus. Both working. I have 4x the savings. He is generous don’t get me wrong but he is naive.  It’s HIS money. What I take umbrage at is his fantasy of us being one big happy family.  I’m the person who rents a beach house with her adult sibling. Remember I posted that he wants his daughters invited?  Well I rented the house and it is only 3 bedrooms and 2 of my kids are going w/ SO along with my sib and their SO.  I Left it with DH that whoever wants to come comes but I have learned to let it go until the final moment like in July. Lol. 

This step stuff is not easy. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

More of the same poo from your screwed up H. You have been posting about this dysfunctional relationship for years, with nothing resolved. You are always the one expected to adapt to maladaptive behaviors and turn the other cheek. 

He's controlling, he drinks too much, he refuses to either finish remodelling or sell his money pit house, he gaslights you, he has always bent over for his bratty, alienated adult daughters, and gets mad if you don't, too.. You dont even live together. NOTHING about this is normal, but you're afraid to be officially alone so you put up with his nonsense.

OP, you would really benefit from therapy. You need someone to be on your side, concerned with just your needs and building up your self esteem. You strike me as a very intelligent highly educated woman who just needs help developing better emotional intelligence. Please, please talk with a professional who can help you get stronger and ready to stand on your own. We only get so many years, and you've spent a lot of them allowing this man's issues to impede your happiness.

 

Newimprvmodel's picture

I have my own issues. And my own house. I was married for 17 yrs before and unhappy.  The benefits to this relationship outweigh the bad. I don’t do ANY of the traveling between houses. After DH showed his hand that he had no intention of selling the money pit my traveling days ended.  I like my space. I have my career. I am 60 plus.  

notasm3's picture

You will be supporting him during retirement if you stay married.  If you divorce him after retirement when he has nothing then you will be paying him alimony.  Do you have enough money to do that?  And are you willing to do that?

disrestep's picture

Your DH should not be giving money to a disrespectful, self-sufficient, adult child, no matter if he could afford it or not. Why? because she does not respect your DH, you or your marriage. 

Given the fact your DH should be investing what limited funds he has into his retirement, like repairing the home he owns, he definitely should not be giving money to any disrespectful adult children. His retirement and marriage should take priority.

good luck with everything.