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Lose the cliches

Newimprvmodel's picture

I love my dh. I do, but as all of us, he has a few flaws........cliches.. Ugh!! This weekend was the usual....."I hope you do not have to walk in my shoes..." Blah blah blah. I only married a man with a thoroughly dysfunctional family.. So bad he has been sued by his adult daughters in court numerous times, and there is no contact for years. But I digress.....
Mercifully the youngest graduates college next year, still on our dime so to speak. We live in a state that we now are fearful she will sue him to continue to pay for grad school.
So we have a tradition of going to a conference together every year. I see it falls on her graduation weekend.. Her college is a good 8 to 10 hour drive. Dh says he is going to her graduation.......basically will just show his face and leave. I will not accompany him..my choice! I said that I am disappointed, but I will respect his decision..I think it wrong, unless of course there is a real desire on his daughter's part to reach out to her father..
I did tell him that if she does not allow emancipation at graduation, but sues him for grad school, and he still goes to her graduation, I will have a hard time ever finding respect for him. He does think if we are back in court again, he will not go. Ugh!!
But I hate the cliche........try walking in a spouses shoes who sees thousands of dollars go to parasitic adults?
Anyway, I think we handled it well. I will enjoy my conference. He will do what he needs to do...
A lot can happen in a year!

frustratedstepdad's picture

I don't see anything wrong with him going to his daughter's graduation. Kids do a lot of stupid things, but as her dad he still loves his kids. The conference happens every year, while the graduation is a one-time event. I know the majority of my stepkids can't stand me, but I would still go to their college graduation.

Have any of them actually been successful with a lawsuit?

Orange County Ca's picture

Apparently they have been successful. Personally I would never speak again to a kid that sued me. End of subject.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Boy, OC, Ditto me on that. If my DD ever did something like that to me I would cut all ties with her period. While no where as terrible as the Mendez bros., it certainly shows something in the same track.

IMHO, I had no legal obligation to do anything after DD graduated from high school, no parent does. But I put her through 4 1/2 years of private college (she changed her major) because she was a great kid, I love her and I could afford to. Then she came and wanted me to pony up for Graduate School and a new car. That is when I informed her that she could do what I did for graduate school, get a job (hopefully with a co. that has a college reimbursement program) and go weekends and evenings.

She's a teacher and the union contract provides for graduate course reimbursement etc., which she did. I did give her the down payment for the car, but the payments, and the loan, were in her name. Teaches character and responsibility.

Newimprvmodel's picture

Have they been successful? Of course..
Now should I go? Absolutely not. Dh is entitled to his relationship with his children, and understands that do to their past behaviors, I will not engage with the lot of them. Trust me, they have done extremely hurtful, calculated maneuvers, such as serving dh with a court motion on our wedding day. And yes , even after that, I tried to befriend them. Just very damaged people, best left to let my dh handle it totally separate..

Newimprvmodel's picture

Suing a parent has to be thought out, planned and in my book, there is no excuse for that. Much different than an argument with hurtful words expressed.

Drac0's picture

Hmm...If my kids ever sued me, I would probably go the same route as the director of my Dad's old company did. According to the story (as told by my Dad), the director;s two adult children sued him. So, he quit his job, sold his house and basically placed himself on the dole. Kids can't receive money that isn't there right? The judge told him that he could throw him in jail for doing that. The director told the judge "If I said 'Fuck You!' would you throw me in jail faster?" Judge basically shook his head told him he was being foolish, but I have to admire this guy.

anotherstep's picture

Gotta say I admire his resolve not to be made a patsy. I probably would have left the country after selling all my assets. Hell, if you are going to take the chance of going to jail, may as well have a good time while looking over your shoulder! No reason to live like a pauper in the meantime....

But in all seriousness, the thought of trying to maintain even the slightest relationship with someone who sued me boggles the mind. And trying to maintain a familial relationship is even more baffling. Imagine sitting at Easter dinner with someone who forced you to a Deposition? Saying "please pass the potatoes" to someone who stood on a witness stand and said you were a bad parent because you refused to give them money as an adult?

To think that they thought of me in only those terms but then wanted to be in my home???? Maybe I am a small person but they would be absolutely dead to me.

K.C.'s picture

Sad Wow! What is wrong with this world? Allowing kids to sue their own parents!

Whenever my skids would have any highschool related functions, my husband would fly across the country to attend them. His oldest never finished HS in the traditional way but he ended up with a GED. I remember all of the airfare really killing our finances, along with them spending the entire summers with us while he still paid CS to BM. It was hard. I would think once she graduates regular college, that should be it, right? I do see many kids on their parent's dime for school - my own son went to a state school on a good scholarship and also took out some student loans as we could not afford to pay for that. Graduate school shouldn't be included in my opinion. And what I do not understand, for parents who have never been divorced and have kids in school, the law does not force those parents to pay for the kids if they cannot afford it. Why should divorced parents be singled out for this?

I think it is good he is going to see her graduate. He needs to do that. Stinks you won't be together at the conference. Can you still go and invite a friend? Consider it some well needed "me" time.

jennaspace's picture

Isn't this the SD that sued to have a very expensive college paid for? That's what's the icing on the cake. Why is anyone entitled to that?

I would really have a hard time speaking to this child again. Not to make them pay, but because it's just so hurtful. Guys can sometimes move past things like this with their ability to compartmentalize. He may also be able to justify it because I'm guessing the whole idea was spearheaded up by BM, not SD. Still, SD signed the documents.

Newimprvmodel's picture

Exactly, my dh hates angry feelings, and has tolerated abuse from his children and ex for YEARS. I walked into this craziness and feel like I am in another world.
However, I have come to grips with the fact that they will always be his children no matter what they do to him.. He will accept anything!!
Never ever going to change. What keeps me in this marriage is that so far, he accepts that I will never have contact with them. They obviously do not want it, nor do I. They are grown, and likely this arrangement can work. He has no relationship with any if them.. Other than to ppay her bills.
So, my thoughts are that all the court shit was the desk breaker for me, not for my dh. I disagree, but accept his inability to change..so far......

Newimprvmodel's picture

Well lucky mom me, so far it works because my dh doesn't have contact with them. That might change when does get cozy again with them. The good thing is that his ex is moving thousands of miles away, so he can't skip over and see his dsughter. Likely she will want to fly in and stay at our home, or she plans on grad school near us, so will she want a home base? I am sure my dh's acceptance of my no contact rule will be tested. Knowing him, he will come to me asking me to reconsider so daughter can get her way. But no, my bottom line was crossed, much like I think Jean kasem feels. I happen to think she is weird, by the way!