My Fantasy Came True and My Parents Got Back Together at My Wedding!
I’m curious what people think about this article: https://www.nytimes.com/2015/10/11/fashion/the-original-conscious-uncoup...
It is sweet in many ways, but maybe a better title would have been: My Fantasy Came True and My Parents Got Back Together at My Wedding!
I especially took note of the comment: “When XYZ proposed, my first thought was: Yes. My second was: How will my parents be in the same room for the wedding? Will my dad bring his girlfriend? . . . Out of respect, I told my father he should feel welcome to bring his girlfriend, and thankfully he said no.”
Now, I realize this was a girlfriend and not dad’s wife. But, one thing I have discovered on these pages is that there doesn’t seem to be much difference in how DH’s girlfriend of 2 months is treated vs. DH’s wife of 25 years. Also, I got the feeling dad and his “girlfriend” had been involved for quite some time.
The article is written and presented as a modern love story. Geesh, how can SMs compete with that! Dad and mom divorce, dad has a long time SO, whom he “thankfully” doesn’t bring to his daughter’s wedding, and then, bingo!, at the author’s wedding, dad and mom seemingly start to get back together. Dad even ditches his long-time SO shortly after the wedding. And, this is clearly seen as a good thing vs. along the lines of, “Well, dad short-changed another one.”
With stories like this out there, no wonder every SK in the world, even adults, tend to think that it is ONLY a matter of time before mom and dad see the errors of their ways and ditch their old partners for, of course, each other—their ones and onlys.
Like one OP alluded to in another forum, completely missing are the stories about, “Mum sleeps around and decides to leave dad for another man..... Dad finds a new girl and is happy, mum poisons skid to be hateful and disrespectful to new woman.” Couldn’t they at least balance it out a wee bit?
Weddings suck.
Weddings suck.
I think it's ridiculous. Here
I think it's ridiculous. Here is the key to the whole thing. After her parents rediscover each other, "I got annoyed because they seemed to be enjoying each other too much instead of focusing on me."
There you have it. The only person who really matters is the fantasizing child. Not a thought for the woman (dad's gf) who was cavalierly cast aside after putting her own hopes and dreams into a man. Not even true respect for each parent to have a life that does not consist of child-worshipping 100% of the time.
BTW, that statement of hers also reveals what I've always said about resentful skids. They love having each parent's full attention and resent new partners because their lives have become toxicly skewed. If their parents remained married, they would never have had this full attention in the first place.
Ultimately the author makes this ludicrous statement: "They have the most caring, thoughtful and fun relationship anyone could ask for."
No, girl, no they don't. Not by a long shot.
Sueu2, I'm so curious about
Sueu2, I'm so curious about this primal need people have for parents to be together. I never heard of it before. Can you tell me about some documentary or something that describes this? Max-Neef is well-known for a taxonomy of fundamental human needs, but the need to have parents together is not one of them. Nor does this need appear on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Nor is it necessary in any stage of development suggested by any modern psychologist.
So obviously I'm not as informed as I thought I was. Would you kindly enlighten me?
Exactly. Well said. There is
Exactly. Well said.
There is certainly a lot more two people can get out of a relationship than what her parents are getting from each other.
It sounds like they had a certain amount of attraction and compatibility for each other that died under the weight of daily life/marriage and then slogged it out together mostly for the sake of their kids being young. After many years of separation their mutual ire had faded and they could enjoy their shared parenthood and small bit of the Venn diagram they had originally shared.*
I feel the author reveals a very immature view of the whole thing. It was improper for her dad to be flirting with his ex-wife while in a committed relationship with someone else. Mom blossomed when Dad vamoosed. Mom cried on the couch a lot. Yeah, nuthin' but fields of lavender and soft sunsets here. Not.
It's nice her parents have found a place where they feel comfortable with each other and with their lives. What they've got, though, is not something for most of us to aspire to.
ETA* What the author fails to notice is that it is much, much easier to get along with someone when you have no expectations of them. In a marriage or relationship, you get hurt when someone fails or disappoints you. Her mother and her father have removed the possibility of hurting each other. Therefore they can enjoy each other. No expectations.
I caught that too, "I
I caught that too, "I wouldn't say the OP is describing a great reunion like she'd like to paint it as." To me too it looked as tho. she was taking a couple of nice things that dad did, such as sending flowers to mom on a bad day, and trying to make it seem like they were going to get back together any day now. What did she say, something like she keeps asking them if they are going to get back together every month? Mom and dad keep trying to set her straight, I think, but no letting go.
I wonder what she'd do if either mom or dad or both got a SO? All I can say is, I would really feel sorry for that SO, daring to ruin/challenge the author's fantasy and all. Yet, that happens to SMs, people like us, all the time. Getting blamed for ruining the fantasy. I'd expect that from a child, but not an adult. All of us have seen posts from adults where they are in shock when divorced dad or mom dares to take up with someone else without their permission. Sure, when the kids were under aged even, it was perfectly fine for them to sneak out and make out with the boy next door. But, for some reason their 50 year old divorced mom and dad have to report back to them on anyone they "dare" to take up with.
I thought this story was interesting because clearly the reader is supposed to think, "Oh, how wonderful!" In reality, I think the author is perpetuating the stereotype of mom and dad getting back together at her own and even her parents expense. It is her article and she can frame it how she wants, but just once I'd like to read an article from a SK that talks about how wonderful it is that mom and dad have moved on and found happiness with someone else. And, isn't that truly wonderful!
NY Times? I believe they
NY Times? I believe they publish much more fiction than fact.
NY Times and Fox News.
NY Times and Fox News.
It seems like what inspired
It seems like what inspired her parents to "get back together" was the wine that was being refilled rather than the love at the wedding. All the giggling was likely due to the wine too. So they're friendly with each other again, as the mother said, "it's platonic" this does not mean they are a couple. They even got separate hotel rooms when they went to see her for her surgery. Sounds like the mother is enjoying her freedom too much to shack up with dear old dad and "share a bed" or any kind of living arrangement again.
The author is reading a lot into the fact that they are on good terms and likely reading more into it than is there. She's also taking credit for their reunion then admitting her jealousy about them paying more attention to each other than her. Little COD got her wish, is no longer the center of attention, and is now obsessing over how many times they talk to each other and what pronouns they use.
I would hardly call the parents "consciously coupled," more like two old people who have buried the hatchet and want to live the rest of their lives peacefully.
Sounds like she needs to focus more on her own marriage rather than mulling over if her elderly parents are having sex.
Firmly agree. "Buried the
Firmly agree. "Buried the hatchet" is a good way of putting it. A much better way of putting it than the deluded author's efforts.
Unlike this bride-zilla who
Unlike this bride-zilla who apparently relishes in the destruction of another long term relationship, if my wife left me for the SPermIdiot my son (SS-24) would shred them both for that crap and would very likely write them both off completely.
Were this to occur his mom's actions would destroy him and his SpermIdiot's actions would be about par for the course. I have a strong feeling that my family and me would be the only family SS would recognize beyond a minimal and perfunctory level.
Fortunately my bride has far more self confidence and class to return to the SPermIdiot whether I am in the picture or have moved on to speed around the nirvana behind the pearly gates.
There certainly is a
There certainly is a difference between a long term and shorter term relationship and the strength of bond and history that the partners build together. Fortunately my wife was never married to my Skid's biodad. I am her fist husband. I on the other hand am a retreaded husband.
I agree with you both that
I agree with you both that there is or should be a difference between a long term and shorter term relationship, but I'm not sure this is true for many adult CODs. Like I said, from what I've seen on these pages and elsewhere, there doesn’t seem to be much difference in how DH’s girlfriend of 2 months is treated vs. DH’s wife of 25 years. They are equally resented for "interfering" with the "one and only" true family.
I wouldn't mind it so much if people recognized the behavior for what it is--false blame or even hate directed toward the SM (or Step-Dad) for a divorce that the vast majority of SMs had no involvement or control over. However, I find most of society seems to go along with all of this, it is SM's fault, business more often than not. What I also find somewhat odd is that many seem to think that if SM goes to an event and acts like her husband's wife or if dad's girlfriend goes to an event and acts like DH's girlfriend, that that is somehow a personal affront to BM. Like it is the 1900s vs. the 2000s, where BM was shamed if DH brought his hoochy trophy wife or girlfriend with him to any event! Gasp! Hello. It is the year 2017. SMs and step-dads come in all shapes and sizes, and BM may just as easily have a trophy-husband of sorts as dad a trophy wife.
Society really needs to catch up and stop doing things like thinking there is no problem with inviting DH and SM to events, and then turning around and acting like or expecting DH and BM to hook up as a couple like the good ol' days (which probably weren't that good). SM, on the other hand, is supposed to disappear or at least keep her distance. At my SD's wedding, DH and I were married 14 years, and way in the past BM and DH had been married 12 years. Yet, I was still treated like a $2 hooker at the event. I mean, who in the hell would think that BM and DH should be walking down the aisle together, hand in hand, WITHOUT permission from either DH or I or ideally both? And, I don't care if that is what his daughter wanted or not. She doesn't get to decide who should or should not be married or act married without even a moment's notice! What the hell!?
And, YES, I'm angry about that. And, I'm even more angry that that seems to be par for the course for most SMs, and not just in reference to weddings by any means. Whatever you do, SMs, don't just suck it up and take it. Because I can see the only way things are going to change is if SMs starting putting their foot down and just saying, NO.
Not every child wants their
Not every child wants their parents back together. DH's SD in his second marriage was DEVASTATED when her mother went back to her ex (the bio father). DH had been her SD for most of her life. She even changed her name to his the day she turned 18.
She was in her 30s when her parents got back together. It has been very, very difficult for her. Especially since her bio father really is an ass.
I've heard of couples getting
I've heard of couples getting back together after divorcing but I wonder how they deal with all of the garbage from the first marriage - especially if they were involved with another man or woman before getting back together. I feel like I was on the Honeymoon before DH and I got married. He was on his best behavior. This changed drastically after we were married, along with SD's behavior. This might happen the second time around for the SD's parents too.
Let them eat cake!
Sweet, the way icing first introduces itself to tastebuds then becomes a mushy backdrop to the complexity of cake. This is from the perspective of a naive, new bride who has the long road of relationship to traverse.
The editorial section in the The Times called Modern Love solicits essays in a way that undoubtedly attracts wishful stories from the "unicorns and rainbows" prose shovelers. I am sure there are stories a plenty from this group that would burn the dross of the droll. Here's the writer's guidelines - have at it. https://thewritelife.com/personal-essay-modern-love-tips/
I'd like to hear the tale told from the perspective of the SO/girlfriend. Life imitates fiction. Fiction intimates life.
This article just pisses me
This article just pisses me off. Dad is a characterless POS asshole. He dumps his girlfriend instead of having her at his side at this wedding. smh
The Skid dream of mommy and daddy reconciling is one that seems far too frequent and drives toxic bullshit for Sparents on both sides of the blended family divide. The odds of a failed marriage re-engaging successfully is about slim and none. Of course there is a draw and connection between biodad and biomom. These are people who had children together, at one point there was attraction, maybe even love. there was and may still be some residual attraction. The problem is that leopards do not change their spots, old dogs rarely learn new tricks, and the odds of either former SO truly changing much less both of them changing is just about zero.
My college BFF's bride's parents were married 4 times. Each time they divorced. Same shit, different day. Her dad was a mellow easy going guy. Her mom is a raging bitch. Even her second husband of about 5 years can't stand her. But for years their daughters were all manipulative in trying to get mommy and daddy back together until finally even the daughters finally gained clarity. Dad moved in with my BFF and his family and they had good year or so before he (BFF's FIL) passed away. Interestingly mom and dad's "amazing love" is still a topic of puke worthy conversation between the daughters. smh. I guess you just can't fix relationship idiocy.
What pisses me off about this article is that this dad victimized yet another relationship and SO for a destined to fail reconnection with his baby mama. Weddings are emotionally charged love fests. They are not reality. Sadly this author is destined for heartbreak when mommy and daddy end up back in their separate lives. Hopefully no more women will be sacrificial offerings to this idiot bio dad and his codependent repeatedly failing initial family.
Yep, this pisses me off.