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At a loss

Plshelpme's picture

Not even sure where to begin. 

My husband and I got married Nov. 2016, we had lived together for three years prior. Our respective kids are literally the same ages - and the same in how their lives were going. My daughter and his son hit it off.  The two girls didn’t really hit it off and his kids have never met my son (Air Force stationed 1500 miles away).  Ss and I got along wonderfully. So, he and I planned a concert outing.  We purchased tickets for George Strait in New Orleans.  His plan was by the time of the concert, he would have a girl friend to take. 

It turned out he took his sister.  

My husband and I were thrilled.  Thinking it would be a bonding experience for the four of us.  My son was on leave and home at the time of the road trip, my gut told me to give our tickets to Sd’s husband and son and let them enjoy the road trip (so I could spend more time with my son on leave) - but, I really wanted the bonding experience.  

To say the trip was a nightmare is an understatement.  

Ss and my agreement was he would pay for half the lodging. I had loaned him money for previous things and told him up front how much the lodging was. He asked how much he needed to pay and I jokingly told him what he felt he owed, as long as it was more than $1.   

We get to our Airbnb and ss was upset he got the sofa sleeper and his dad and I got a bedroom and his sister got a bedroom.  He actually wanted his dad and I to take the sofa sleeper.  Bear in mind he hasn’t paid a dime for the lodging yet.  

The two kids thought it would be brilliant to go out after unloading the car, since there were bars a couple blocks away.  We get a wake up call around 2am because they LOST their key to get in. And ss said it was not a big deal, he loses keys all the time.  I was livid, but didn’t say anything.  

Needless to say, we couldn’t get the two up to go exploring.  And when we did get them up, they were mad because they slept so long.  We walked to the trolley station - and WE bought the tickets for the four of us (not even a whimper of a thank you). 

The trolley was PACKED, but ss found a seat and not time did he offer anyone getting on his seat, including his sister.  When we got to the French quarter - the two kids had ONE thing on their mind - get drunk.  DH and I do not drink.  They put my husband down continually on the road and up to this point.  The kids didn’t attempt to stay with us, so we decided just to go at our own pace.  It poured down rain and we had a blast.  We ran into the kids a couple times, but they were still bar hopping.   We decided to get an Uber and go back to get dried off.  The two kids did the same.  We wanted to go to a nice place for dinner - we all got dressed up and ordered an Uber to take the four of us to dinner.  Ss got in the front seat of the Uber and we paid for the Uber.   Got to the dinner place and while DH left the table for something, the kids were laughing and thinking it was hilarious being so mean

Plshelpme's picture

They thought it hilarious being so mean to their dad.  They were quite taken aback when I agreed and said they were being awful.  Uber yo cafe du mond - ss got in front seat, we paid again.  We paid at cafe du mond. Uber home ss front seat, we paid. 

Get to Airbnb - both kids go out again.  No idea when they arrived back at home.  We had purchased tickets for a morning tour.  Couldn’t get kids awake AGAIN and this time we told both of them if they weren’t up, we were leaving without them. Both were angry, but got up.  Tour was awesome.  Uber back, ss in front and we paid. Now it’s time to get ready for our main event.  Uber to concert, ss front seat and we paid. When we got out of the car and were walking up, we wanted to take some pictures - apparently my DH wasn’t doing it right and ss got in his face - I separated them.  Sd thanked me for helping her brother - and my response to her was be was being a jerk.  This hurt my DH so badly, he cried through the first two acts of the concert.  When the concert was over, ss was speed walking out of the arena and sd thought it was funny.  It wasn’t - DH and I stopped along the way to see things at the superdome. It was amazing stuff to see and we were in no hurry. Tried to order an Uber when we got outside, but the prices were crazy.  The kids said yes they knew the prices would be high and wanted to walk a few blocks away to order the Uber.   Tensions were already high.   Ss got in his dads face again - and started walking away.  I pulled DH away and walked the other direction - the adult kids could find their own way back.  

When we got back - the kids were getting out of a taxi and sd immediately went after us.  How dare we leave them and that the bus left at 5:30 in the morning - she was calling her mom to pick them up at the bus station.  I told her to haul butt on the bus. 

She said she didn’t want to ride the bus and I would  never have treated my kids that way and she was right, I would’ve told them to go home the first night.  They wouldn’t have behaved that way. I told her if they were riding home with me - they would follow MY rules period.  

After I went to bed - they accosted my husband and told him how awful a father he was and that now he was too nice.  He got NO sleep.  

We get home, the kids tell him they love him and leave.  

I felt so bad for my husband - I made the sweetest post on Facebook about how wonderful he is.  And his daughter blocked us.  His son told him he should too and was glad “he is happy”.  

Neither kid now for 6 months has answered any message or acknowledged any gift we have sent (his daughter started her first year teaching) and our grandson had a birthday.  

I sent a thanksgiving message and told them they were mad at me, not their dad and he wanted to see them.  Nothing. 

Dh even tried to go through kids mom - she said she “had to think about” letting him know how they are or if she would help bridge the issue.  She is not a nice person at all - and she is the reason they run all over him.  

He is devastated- and I don’t know how to help him. Today was Thanksgiving and neither kid responded to him yet again.  

He is a great dad, his kids are his world.  He is a great step dad.   I don’t know how to help him.  



fairyo's picture

You will get help here- but it may not be want you want to hear. You cannot help your DH sort out his kids- this mess they have created together long before you came on the scene and you cannot sort it out. Disengagement is one option- you will find lots of stuff on here about it. When I disengaged it meant that my then DH had to see his kids alone, without me being there. I suggest that you longer go away with these horrible sounding adults. The bonding experiment failed- don't try it again- just learn from it. Keep trips for you and DH alone otherwise your relationship will begin to suffer.

Stop trying to think you can help DH have a better relationship with his kids- there is a whole heap of baggage there that is way too heavy for you to carry. 

Take care of yourself and enjoy your own children. That's all the help I can give

Plshelpme's picture

Thank you.  I made the assumption his kids were like mine and they AREN’T even close.  

May least I now have a place to learn how to deal with the awful humans and know that I’m not alone. 

SacrificialLamb's picture

Why are you trying to solve your DH's problems with his children?  It's best if you stay out of it because it could backfire on you in a second.  I tried to force a blended family for years and DH's DD's took it as a sign of weakness they could trample all over us. Seems like your skids are following suit. 

More than likely BM is standing behind the scenes filling up the skids ears with crap about their father. They are adults and can choose what to believe, and reality is that might be unfortunate for your DH. 

The best way you can help is tell him you found a therapist that he can talk to, and support him. It sounds like he has your back, and you are very lucky for that.


tog redux's picture

BM is not the reason they are mean to him - his spineless parenting is the reason they treat him that way.

I'm sorry, but if my DH sat in a concert crying because SS was "mean" to him, I'd move seats out of embarrassment. Not that men can't cry, but crying because he raised an entitled brat that he's afraid to stand up to would not create sympathy in me.

My SS18 is 8 inches taller and 100 lbs heavier than DH, and yet, SS respects him completely because he knows DH will not tolerate any crap from him and never has. If he behaved that way on a trip with us, DH would send him back home in a heartbeat, AFTER telling him to pay for a few Uber rides. 

You know all this, though, because you said you would never allow your own children to behave this way. So why do you have sympathy for DH? He needs to grow a spine and stop letting these kids manipulate him. I personally would lose respect for him entirely if he continued to cry in his soup rather than acting like a grown man.


Plshelpme's picture

It’s hard to not make excuse for my spouse - but I do and I will. He had a very difficult childhood that his children have NO inkling of an idea of what happened to him.  Add his sister committed suicide four days prior to his mom passing - and him being the one that found his deceased sister.  

He has said more than once that his kids were NOT raised the way they behaved and he can’t imagine where or when they started.   

His daughter is a controlling manipulative bitch and everyone bows down to her.  She did respond to his  thanksgiving message and demanded an apology and how dare he talk to HER mom about HER. And that he has to “wait” and WE have to apologize for our behavior.    He did NOT respond to that message and I advised him not to.  

He will get there. 

Maxwell09's picture

Well what did you really expect? You give constant examples of who these treasonous people are and yet you and your DH keep enabling their behavior. You shouldn’t have invited them. You shouldn’t have kept paying for things time and time again. You should have separated from them and just did a couple trip after y’all had already reached New Orleans and figured out how they were going to act. Your husband needs to grow a pair. His kids are assholes because he doesn’t know how to call them on their shitty behavior or grow a thick skin. Really? Crying for the first half of a concert because his adult child hurt his feelings? It’s to the point where you stop feeling sympathy for the victim that chooses to stay in the toxic relationship. He just needs to accept his kids are exactly who he raised them to be and will always treat him the way he allowed them to treat him. You also need to learn how to disengage. Those kids like to use daddy as a wallet. You enable them with your messaging and begging them to speak to their dad. You are fostering their reality that they are in control of their dad. Nope. Let them go. Both of you. They will either come back when they grow up or money gets tight. Be wary, forgive but never repeat the past and go back to being their Wallet. 

simifan's picture

Your DH is not a great father or his children much less adult children would not act this way. This is not your problem to fix, the best thing you can do for everyone involved is step out. Let DH handle his own children. 

Suemm44's picture

In the beginning him and I had some skid time. Lol lol. Yeah and right away I saw the looks directed at me. Every time I see them they appear more like the troll dolls. 

‘It’s easier to be mean then to be nice.

i accepted from the get go how’s it going to be.

in fact even this Saturday I overheard how it’s still Sm fault all of it and how sd has no intention of being nice. So, I tell dh again, “ well, there you go she’s obviously never going to be an adult so kiss your fantasies goodbye “

another sm made me so upset Saturday. I’ll have to make a post about that. Seems like she’s accepted the thing about that’s the way it is 18yrs going. It’s ok, it pains her. She was pacing, eye bulged, agitated . Know it well. But, thing is I’m not putting up with the bs she does 18 plus. 

The best thing you can do is remove yourself . When I say that protect your heart. Try to cut off all emotions don’t let them win. 

Idk, I probably would have enjoyed the concert and slipped out afterwards and got out H out of there. Meaning getting a separate ride and disappear. I can’t stand drama 

I told my dh this last Saturday’s dinner if sd appears and doesn’t say hi in the first five minutes I’m hopping in my car and he’s to get a ride bk home. And I told him that’s final. I’m done , I have 0 tolerance for skid drama. 

Rags's picture

I have to disagree that DH is a great dad. If he was a great dad, his spawn would not be the entitled unadulterated assholes that they are.

Cut them loose. For  your sake, the sake of your marriage, for the sake of your husband and for the sake of your own children.

Purge toxic from you life. Regardless of who the toxic dipshits may be.