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Abuse Allegations

Lisa120eta's picture

has anyone in CA every dealt with abuse allegations? My SD has accused her brother of touching her inappropriately.  We have the kids separated at the moment.  SD is with BM and SS is with us.  SD reported to the school counselor who then called law enforcement and CPS.  What’s next? What should we be prepared for? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. 

 

Context: SD said brother put his hand up her shirt and touched her breast when they were in the backseat of a car.  SS says he did not.  Said the his sister had asked to use his arm as a rest to sleep, the only time he touched her was when they dropped their passenger off and he pulled his arm out from under her to get in the front seat.  BM confirms that SS asked to sleep on his arm.  

Rags's picture

Run that kid through the wringer with therapists and investigators.   False claims of groping can ruin lives.  Of course if SS did it, then he needs to feel the complete consequences for his actions.

Both of these kids need therapy.  Either way this actually went. If SD lied she needs therapy, and an ass whuppin for her lies. SS will need help dealing with his sister's lies and betrayal.

If SS did it, he needs therapy and an ass whuppin for being a sleezy little perv.  SD will need therapy for being his victim.

This just sucks beyond any symbolence of sanity.

I am sorry for your family.  

 

 

Lisa120eta's picture

Thank you.  My SO got a list of local therapists but let’s hope him and BM follow through with both kids going.  The Sherriff called Thursday to let SO know what was going on and asked if he could interview the kids SO was heading home from a business trip and said no way without a parent present.  So the sheriff is supposed to call back and set up times to interview both kids.  For a little more context: my SD has not lived with us for a year.  Last year around this time she went to the school counselor and told her she wanted to kill herself because her father is mean to her.  BM got a call from the school and was told she had to take SD to the ER for an eval.  Long story short the Dr at the ER was concerned she was being abused at our house and wanted to call LE, by the grace of God BM actually stood up for SO and insisted that he was a good dad and that she had zero concern of abuse and had no concern about how SD was being treated at our house.  She had a couple therapy sessions and that was it. SD has what I would call an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with her mother.  She is allowed to do what she wants when she wants when with BM.  She bully’s her mom and gets her way every time.  Hence the main reason she doesn’t like being with us.  She’s very possessive of her mother.  What I fear is that because her mother didn’t enforce custody and SO didn’t insist on his visitation SD has learned that if she makes a complaint she gets what she wants.  BM was evicted from her house a few months ago.  SS ended up staying with us while she found a new place to live (2.5 months).  SD stayed with BM at her BFs house.  SS just started going back to BMs house last Friday.  Less than a week later SD makes the molestation claim to her school counselor.  SO has talked to both kids.  He went to BMs house last night after talking with SS to get his side of the story.  I told him I had an gut feeling that it was about her not being happy that her brother was back at BMs house taking attention away from her so SO presented some questions like “What would make you comfortable” and variations of that.  Her responses where that she wasn’t comfortable around her brother and didn’t want him living there with her and his mom.  Enter another dilemma.  I have a daughter.  Who is 16.  Her and SS get along well, we of course asked her if anything had ever happened or if SS had ever made her uncomfortable.  She said no way.  I feel like I can’t let SD back into our house until she gets therapy.  Therapy that involves input from the whole family and is family focused.  I’m terrified that the next lie to the counselor will be about me or my daughter.  Do you think I’m being an asshole insisting that SD doesn’t come here until we figure out what’s going on and she gets some help? 

Rags's picture

You are NOT an asshole for keeping SD out of your home.

I think you and DH already have identified the root of the problem.  SD is manipulating and is attempt to purge her brother from mommy's home.

 

Protect your family from this toxic POS lying manipulator.

Lisa120eta's picture

I want you to know that we are absolutely taking this serious.  It’s why we have separated them.  When I made it a point to tell SO before he went to talk to her the first time that he needed to speak to her in a way that showed she was cared for, believed and safe.  I have not personally spoken to her about anything.  As I mentioned in a comment below there is absolutely 100% a history of manipulation and blatant lies from SD that of course give me pause as to the truth to this incident.  The best predicted of future behavior is past behavior.  I could give example after example of SD throwing fits and flipping out over her mom and brother spending time together.  The latest example would be a few days after SS Birthday.  He has been staying with us due to his mom getting evicted and finding a new place (2.5 months).  SD has been with BM the entire time.  A few days after SS Birthday his mother wanted to pick him up and take him to dinner (both kids are at our house everyday after school as their school is in our district, not their mothers). BM came to get SS and intended to leave SD here while they went to eat.  She had a huge fit (all rooted in her not being able to stand being away from her mom and intence jelousy of her mom giving her brother any attention). So BM ends up taking them both to dinner and this is the night she is claiming he touched her.  As I mentioned below, both SS and BM confirm that sD asked to use his arm as a rest to sleep on, BM remembers SD sleeping on SS.  She is insisting that she was not sleeping on his arm, that she was upright against the back of her chair and he put his hand up her shirt.  

tog redux's picture

I hear that you are taking it seriously, I was commenting on the prior poster's remark. 

She may in fact be lying, IDK - but most women don't report sexual assault because they aren't believed, when less than 10% of accusations are false.

Anyway, CPS might want you guys to keep them apart, which would be better for both of them anyway.

Lisa120eta's picture

That’s exactly what I said to SO.  The number of false allegations is very low and it’s rare that it happens in the grand scheme of things.  Which is why I asked him to treat her like he believed her.  

Rags's picture

Those that fabricate sexual abuse claims should be subject to the severest possible criminal and civil consequences.   These people are no less despicable than the molesters are.

As the OP pointed out the SD has a long and notable history of bullshit claims a d insane jealousy of her brother having any connection with their mother.

I look forward to the results of the official investigation.

Lisa120eta's picture

Thank you Rags.  SD has picked up lying from her mother.  They both lie about the strangest things (and big things of course).  I remember one day before SD stopped staying with us she had told her dad that she needed to bake cupcakes for her class.  Said that her teacher asked her too.  We were like cool let’s get all the stuff out and make them from scratch.  SO was asking her how many she needed (how many kids were in her class) and what they had going on in class that day (just trying to make conversation with her while they baked).  She couldn’t answer the questions.  She claimed she only needed 4.  We were like that can’t be right you should bring enough for everyone.  After more convo and tears from her she admitted that she wasn’t asked to bake cupcakes for her classmates, she wanted to bake them for her friends.  We have zero clue why she wouldn’t just say that to begin with.  I asked her “why wouldn’t you just tell us you wanted to bake for your friends?”   We ALWAYS encouraging the kids with everything, especially cooking (SO is Italian, so be loves to cook).  She claimed she didn’t tell us what they were for originally because she didn’t want to get in trouble HA! I said “You wouldn’t have been in trouble.  You’re in trouble now for telling lies”.  That’s just one silly example but it really is hard to believe anything she says because she lies about so much.  I’m at a loss of what to do.  

tog redux's picture

First off, don't beat the children as the PP suggested, that will lead to more abuse allegations.

I'd be very certain that SS didn't do it before you accuse SD of false allegations. Just because she asked to lean on his arm doesn't mean he didn't do what she said he did.

If she reports it to others, CPS is likely to become involved, so you guys should take this very seriously.

ETA: whoops, I should read before I post, I see that CPS is already involved. Just cooperate with their investigation, that's all you can do. It will be perceived well that you guys and BM already separated them and are taking it seriously.  They will sort out the rest and let you know what needs to happen.

BethAnne's picture

Keeping the children apart is a good plan for now, but there is no reason why the children cannot have opposite schedules and switch houses so that they get time with both parents. If this is something that everyone would be comfortable and happy with it might be worth considering. 

Lisa120eta's picture

This is what my SO wants to do.  But I am afraid that something will be said about either me or my daughter.  Last year she went to the school counselor and said she wanted to kill her self because her Dad is mean to her.  She has not stayed with us since then.  Now she is making this claim against her brother.  From some questions her Dad asked her last night about what would make her comfortable she doesn’t want her brother at the house with her and her mom.  So my worry is, because she doesn’t want to be with us, want happens when she is at our house and her brother is with her mom and she decides she doesn’t like that anymore?  Another trip to the school counselor with something about my daughter or me? 

BethAnne's picture

It is also perfectly possible that both children are telling the truth but just perceive events and intentions differently. 

Lisa120eta's picture

That is exactly where our heads have been at.  SO went to talk to SD last night after speaking to SS and asked questions about positioning in the car while she was sleeping.  Both SS and BM say sD was sleeping on his arm (he says he pulled his arm from under her when he got dropped off) SD insist that she was not sleeping on his arm, that she was sitting back against her seat and that her brother put his arm up her shirt.  BM remembers SS saying “Eww she drooled all over my jacket” when he got out of the car.  At this point I honestly don’t know what to think.  I know which way I’m leaning but there is 12 years of history here that I can’t eveb begin to type out on both kids behaviors.  Prior to the incident SD has a huge history of lying an manipulating to get her way and it has never been corrected. As I mentioned above, SD and BM have a very toxic co-dependent relationship.  She went to the school counselor last year and said she wanted to commit suicide because her Dad is mean to her. I promise you he is in no way mean to her.  When the Dr dug for info on what her Dad was doing that was mean she literally brought up wanting to ground her over break for having Fs in some of her classes.  I could give so many examples of lies she’s told that would blow your mind. 

Rags's picture

And it is legal in all states but Delaware.

It is an option at the discretion of parents and those acting  in loco parentis.

False accusations (lying) or groping a sister could stand for the application of some corporal punishment to the appropriate back side regardless of the sensitivities of the PP.

IMHO of course.

tog redux's picture

"Ass-whuppin" teenagers when you are under CPS scrutiny is idiotic. I know you are a big fan of beating children, but it's not the answer when you have LE and CPS already breathing down your neck.

Lisa120eta's picture

True lol.  We haven’t been interviewed by the sherriffs or CPS yet but know that it coming, spanking her or him will only compound this issue then I’ll be getting reported for abuse.  

Rags's picture

The one who earned with either fabricated sexual abuse claim or the groper.

As I said in my earlier comment.

tog redux's picture

And which one is that? Oh right, you may never know. Maybe you should beat them both for good measure.

Lisa120eta's picture

I wish that were an option.  Neither SO or BM are on board with that type of corrective action.  I feel had that happened while the kids were growing up we wouldn’t have the issues with SD that we have.  If she were my bio child that absolutely would have happened at the first sign on her bad behavior.  

tog redux's picture

Thank you.  I don't know why people persist in believing corporal punishment is okay just because "their parents did it" and "they (supposedly) turned out fine" and "kids today" yada yada yada.