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Adult Step Daughter - All New to Husband acting like wife substitute

af's picture

My husband and I have been married for 15 years and together for 18.  He has a 21 year old from a previous marriage and has only seen her twice since she as 2.  The BM is crazy and tried to cause too many legal issues, so it was better for him to just stay away from her.  In November, my SD21 was locked out of her mom and SD house.  She called my husbands mother, with whom she has had a relationship since she was around 13 or 14.   My husbands mom tired to hide this fact, but they live in a really small town.

SD21 flew out here and got to meet her dad again.   But also, me and our 2 other children.  She decided to move here after talking with my husband multiple times daily from November to May 18th.  I never agreed for her to stay with us for the whole summer, but my husband told her she could.  IT IS A MESS!  My husband and I are not fond of public dispays of affection and we are not a super touchy, feely family.  We don't hold hands in public, we don't cuddle on the sofa, etc.

My SD has been with us now for 6 weeks and I feel like she is fasing me and my kids out.  My husband has not spent any realy meaningful time with our kids alone.   SD has been right next to husband or within 3 inches since she got here.  She snuggles him on the sofa, lays her head in his lap, holds his hand at the mall.  IT IS WIERD.  I have told my husband that she needs to move on to a new apartment and get going with college classes.  SD feels the need to interject opinions into our daily decisions and tries to boss our other children ages 9 and 11.  It makes me irate.  She cusses like a sailor and she and my husband have started to feed off of eachoher wtih this poor behavior.  

I just paid for her to join our family on a week long water park vacation.  She never left my husbands side and then was mad and threw a fit when my 9 year old son didn't want to ride in the third row seat for and 8 hour drive.  She cussed the F word at him and then started throwing things while demanding she would ride in the back.  I was irate that she cussed at my kids and was tossing stuff around in my vehicle.  I would have expected the behavior from my 9 year old, not a grown 21 year old.  

I would love nothing more than to have her go back to her mothers and stay there.   My husband now stays up with her until all hours and never comes to our bed until the wee hours of the morning.  It is 12:36am and I am writing this and he is watching TV.  My poor daughter age 11 is sleeping in the bed next to me becuase her dad is not here.  I hate the stress I feel around the SD.

I have no idea what to do.  Husband does not see the change in his behavior and I am afraid we are on the road to divorce and she has only been in our city for a little over 1 month.  Tonight, we were fighting over the fact he ignored my text for an hour trying to find out where he and SD were at.  When he finally responded, I was pissed and said "whatever".  Now he is telling me "whatever" and is giving me the cold shoulder.  

I have to work out of town for the next three days.  Thinking of taking kids to my parents house and leaving them with my mom for those three days.  Then I think, that is just a reward for the intrusive SD.

I don't know how to stress to him that we are not going to be able to go on this way.  I have no idea what to do now.


momjeans's picture

My husband and I are not fond of public dispays of affection and we are not a super touchy, feely family.  We don't hold hands in public, we don't cuddle on the sofa, etc.

But now all of a sudden he is. With his adult daughter. I would be so repulsed by this. It’s as if he actually enjoys being fawned over by a younger woman. 

I would most definitely take the kids to your mom’s house for those days. I have a gut feeling those three days will be hell for them, having to be around SD. 

SteppedOut's picture

She will "boss them around" (aka probably be mean to them).

hereiam's picture

They did not know each other as father and daughter for all of those years, and now they are acting like a couple. Not healthy, at all, and very concerning.

SteppedOut's picture

I would be grossed out. Honestly, it's giving me the heebie jeebies reading this.

marblefawn's picture

I just wrote this on another post. I had similar problem with SD 23 when I married her father. Won't go into the same details, but the bottom line is this; when two people (you and your husband) see the same situation so differently, you really need an objective third party to mediate how to handle it.

This would be a stressful situation for you and your kids even under the best circumstances. Get to therapy now -- even a few sessions, though costly, could put your husband straight if he's open to seeing your point of view and trying to help everyone manage this really weird situation of an adult none of you know suddenly living with you. It's hard knowing if you're choosing a good therapist, but it's worth the risk and cheaper than divorce.

Honestly, it sounds like a Lifetime movie, where you'll find out she's not his SD at all, but by then, they'll already be married! (I'm joking...a little.)

disrestep's picture

Your SD sounds very immature for 21. 

Your DH needs to do something to put an end to her tantrums and let her know that swearing at your children or anyone in your family is completely unacceptable. 

And, ewww, ewww, and double ewwww. I would let my DH know that their behavior together is repulsive and unacceptable. He needs to act like a parent and not a BF.

If your DH doesn't say something to her when she acts up, then it is your home and your family. So, I would make it clear to this immature SD what the ground rules are in your home and around your children.

Good luck with all this.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Have you ever heard of genetic sexual attraction? I'm so sorry, but what you've described sounds just like it.

I wouldnt want my bios around that dysfunction, either. Leaving them with your parents while you're gone is a good idea.

Please seek counsel from a barracuda divorce attorney. Say nothing, but get your financial ducks in a row as you build a case tight enough to win sole legal and physical custody. You need to be very strategic and play the long game so that when you divorce, the court will agree that all interactions between your H and your kids will be supervised.

CLove's picture

Not a daughter. I get that they are "making up for lost time" and that she really does need her father, but she needs a FATHER not a BOYFRIEND!

Get your ducks in a row now before its too late.

af's picture

Just typed a long update to the situation and it was lot in the save mode,  SD sent inappropiate text asking about our sex life to DH.  I required her to move out of our home, as was the plan from the day she came here 6 weeks ago.   Was told she was moving Sunday - she moved Sunday to the place that was planned.  Lock to garage access has been changed.  Had long discussion with DH about his prepetuation of SDs inapproprate behavior.  Send SD a text that the three of us have to have a discussion about boundries before she has a continued relationship with DH and our family.  Wording was sent in a group text to SD and DH and DH approved text before it was sent.  Also told her we would discuss her inappropraite text and sent a screen shot so she would know that I knew about it.   She responded only to DH that she was not willing to come over because I "kicked her out".   Further discussion with DH ensued about SDs manipulation and stories that seem to change when she tells them to me v DH. DH said that the plan was for her to move today before I did the kicking.   UGH.   Our kids are staying with my parents until I return from work travel - 3 days.  SD and DH are not supposed to have contact until we have our chat.  I will see if DH keeps his word about this agreement.  I am putting a lot of trust in him to follow through on our agreement.  Could be life changing if he doesn't.

marblefawn's picture

That's a big shift! And a good one.

When you talk with her, put things you, she, they agree to in writing so it's plain and recorded.

You'll need it when you finally land in therapy.

Survivingstephell's picture

Is she the same type of crazy as her mother?  You might want to dig deep with DH about his relationship with BM and find out how it played out before and why they broke up.  Ask pointed questons connecting SD's behavior with BM if you can, but make him figure it out, it seems to work better when they can think it through rather than being told.  

Keeping SD away from the other kids would be paramount IMO.  She sounds like a walking character disorder, Cluster-B type, or a mental illness..  

Of course DH said she was going to move the next day.  Just a little dig at you for guilt.  

Choices were made as she was growing up and she is the person she is today and there is not going back to change it.  You both have to deal with the  person in front of you as she is now.  Inmature and bat shit crazy.  Don't let her play you each against each other.  She has more to gain by separating you then by you two staying together.  

af's picture

thank you.  I think poorly raised by a bad behaved mother is much of her trouble.  She tried to change our  group, private meeting to her and I going to dinner by texting only me.  The answer was a firm NO in a group reply stating the three of us will talk together in private or it is a no go.  Told husband he can’t leave it to me to have the conversation.   He has to speak to the boundaries and his discomfort, but not wanting to hurt her feelings.  He has to be firm in the process or it will all start over - and that is not happening at my house.