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Adult stepdaughter pretends I don’t exist

Daisygirl99's picture

I don't know what to do here.  My adult step daughter told her father she thinks I am awkward, she doesn't like being around me, thinks I changed him, and she doesn't want anything to do with me.  This is what she told him when he asked her to attend our wedding via a free vacation for her and her family.

Background:  We have dated for 5.5 years.  I have 2 kids still at home that love my new husband.  He had been divorced for almost 19 years when we met.  Adult stepdaughter's mother remarried when stepdaughter was young and she has a half brother from her ex step dad, who is still a part of her life as well.

i didn't meet my stepdaughter until we dated over a year.  We had some dinners here and there and got together at her and her new boyfriends house for a few years.  I thought things were ok until she got married and got pregnant with her first child.  It was either that or when her dad sold his house and moved in with me, which was right after she got married and was pregnant.

After that, I was never welcomed again.  I have always gotten her nice gifts from day one for every holiday/birthday/etc.  I always was left out and had to keep my mouth shut and did so (like she had her mom and dad be introduced together as a couple into her wedding and exit the wedding as a couple even though  they both had us dates there together .... I thought it was weird but I never said one word).  
 

I don't know what I have done wrong to have her not even acknowledge our marriage nor myself.  I don't know how to fix things and neither does my hisband and he fears if he pushes things he won't be allowed to see his grandchild so he goes and visits without me.

When she told my husband that "I changed him" he did ask her how.  She cited first that he sold his house.  (He lived in the same house since he was two years old, we lived an hour apart and he did sell it so we could live together because my kids are still at home and my house is larger and in much better condition.  He payed off all her college debt with the sell of his house.  I didn't benefit a dime from it.

She also sited him not staying at her house with her mom when her child was born.  She told him Only he could come and not me.  She was having a c-section so I asked him out of respect for our relationship that he didn't spend the 4 nights his daughter was in the hospital alone with his ex wife and to possibly get a hotel room instead.  I didn't tell him what to do I asked if he would do something like that since I wasn't welcome.  Instead he chose to get up ridiculously early every day, drive 3 hours, stay all day, then drive home late 3 hours each day.  She said that was weird of him.  But it wasn't me who told him to do it!!  It was weird to me too, but I have no control over how he handles things and that was how he chose to handle it.

i have tried to invite her to dinners for her dads birthday and she always says she doesn't know then refuses to get back.  My husband has to beg for us to visit and lately stopped trying and just goes alone.

oh and to be fair I probably am awkward around her.  I rarely ever see her and when I do it's at events that his ex wife and her whole family are there and they all love my husband and won't acknowledge my existence so I feel awkward so I just shell up and keep to myself because I don't know what else to do!!!  The only people kind to me is his ex mother in law and my step daughters ex step dad.  

How do I fix this?! My husband said he is trying to win his daughter back over and hoping she will eventually come around, but I don't think she will.  Help please, I feel so sad over this!

JRI's picture

Your stepdaughter obviously has trouble accepting that her dad has remarried and is moving on with his life.  She's entitled to her feelings but its not right the way you're being treated.  Sometimes, these kids want to retain the original family fantasy, like having her parents walk together at her wedding. I call it "Original Recipe", like at KFC.

There's not much you or DH can do about it and I applaud the way he handled the hospital visitation when she had her baby.

I'd let him handle everything to do with her, gifts, etc.  She probably doesnt want anything from you anyway.  Support his efforts to stsy in touch and just let the rope drop.

Invite her to your wedding but if she chooses not to come, oh well.  I dont think you can "fix" this.  When the inevitable grandchild birthday parties and all the rest come along, look your best, go on DH's arm, be polite and civil and don't expect anything.  Watch what events you and DH are invited to: GC birthdays are ok but no need to spend Christmas with BM. 

Newimprvmodel's picture

you can never ever win with her. Let her go. Forget her as she has you. Don't lift a finger for her. Pretend she does not exist. Be there done it.  Life is too short to chase strangers. 

Daisygirl99's picture

It's so hard knowing DH will have this second life that I am not allowed to be apart of.

he said I will see them a day a month or less and be with you all every other day of the year, and logically I know this is true but it just feels so wrong.

I know its my mind that needs to let go of the idea that we can all just get along but I am struggling with how to figure it out!

 

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

This is the best advice you will recieve. Do not pine or work for this - she's made no effort, make no effort. Turn your heart cold and move on. I have this with a SKID's wife and SKID (after a lot of raising) has made it clear I don't matter. I finally had a turning point this month - I am not doing a thing. I've slowly been not doing anythign for a very long time butI intend to really give it up. Don't go chasing strangers. Listen to this very very sage advice from newimprmodel. You've got better things to do and a life to live. 

notarelative's picture

You can not fix things with unreasonable illogical people. I would not even try. In my case step son-in-law told us we should not have married as it is disrespectful to DH's deceased ex (DH was divorced. I was widowed.) Unreasonable and illogical. I can't fix that. 

Daisygirl99's picture

Yes I understand.  I feel it doesn't make sense as well.  Her dad was alone for 20 some years. He finally has someone, we love each other and myself and kids would love to make her and her daughter part of our family but she won't let us.

Daisygirl99's picture

Oh the wedding happened last week and she and her family did not come.  She even texted her dad random things the day of our wedding and the days after (it was a destination wedding) like we weren't doing anything and didn't acknowledge us getting married at all.

My problem is my husband is unsure of if I will be welcome at anything now.  I was allowed at his granddaughter's first birthday, but not sure if I will ever be allowed at anything now the way she talked to him about me before we got married.

I just want to fix things so we can be civil with each other for my husband, but she l feel just wants to go on pretending we aren't married and me and my kids don't exist.

I knew she really didn't like her dad dating but I didn't think it was this bad up until we invited her to the wedding and now that we are married.

I feel so lost.  And my husband and her mom were friends for her sake and I think that is honestly wonderful and I thought that friendship would be extended to me....but it never was.  I really am lost.  

Winterglow's picture

Firstly,  your dh needs to go nuclear on her for insulting his marriage. 

Secondly, whether or not you are welcome to family events, you WILL attend because you are your husbavds spouse. If your husband is invited, YOU are invited implicitly.  Don't allow this overgrown teenager to dictate your life - if she tries to use her kids to blackmail your DH, oh dear, so sad. Play stupid games win stupid prizes. 

She needs to be wiped from your life. I suspect your DH is on the same page as you. 

Daisygirl99's picture

I told him that as well, that when his granddaughter's second birthday comes along, whether or not my name is on the invite (it won't be!) that I want to assume I am allowed to go unleS otherwise told specifically I am not to be there.

He said he would go to his granddaughters stuff either way though because it isn't her fault and deserves her grandfather.  And I get it, kindof.

I feel like he knows SD isn't really stable mentally and will cut him off without blinking and he knows her better than I do.

 

Daisygirl99's picture

He made sure I was at her wedding and all the events leading up to it.

 

he told her she didn't get a say in who or if he got married and so he was marrying me whether he had her blessing or not.

But right now he is catering to her in visiting without me and has been since his grandchild was born for fear of not seeing her if he pushes for me to be there too hard.  And I kind of understand.  It's not that little baby girls fault....

Winterglow's picture

It isn't yours either .. 

CajunMom's picture

And trust me, I get it. I am not in relation with my DHs kids. Twelve years of tolerating toxic treatment did me in. Took 3 years to get back to me. That tuaght me alot.

All I can say is this. Let your DH manage his relationship with his daughter. You disengage (search this site for techniques). This is how I handle my DHs kids now. I don't ask any questions of DH. If he volunteers something, I'm positive and supporting. I do not "stalk" or look for info on DHs kids. He visits them and attends events without me. I use that time to do "me" stuff. I do not send gifts, holiday or birthday greetings. In fact, we don't communicate at all. When I do see them, I am cordial but nothing deep. DHs kids have not been to our home in over 6 years but two did visit within the last year. I let DH visit and I did my own thing while they were here.

Is it hard? In the beginning, YES. But it gets easier and once you get settled in your mode, you will find it brings lots of peace to YOU and peace to your marriage. One of the deepest statements is....It is What It Is. That is acceptance and once you accept things for as they are, you can manage them much better.

Best to you, dear lady. I'm sorry you are being treated as such.

Daisygirl99's picture

Thanks I will look up disengaging on this site.  I need it!!!

MorningMia's picture

I've disengaged from my adult skids. They aren't even welcome in our house any longer. DH sees them elsewhere. The only event I ever attended was a wedding. As I said to my SD, I have no control over whether or not someone likes me, so I'm not going to fret and wring my hands when that's the case. Life's too short for toxic nonsense. I, too, enjoy GF time, spa days, etc when DH visits the ingrates. 

Daisygirl99's picture

Well I don't have to not welcome them to the house because they have never come here and I don't think they ever will!!!!

We finished the basement and added a bedroom down there in case they ever wanted to stay with us so they would have their own personal space and DH offered it to them should they ever want to and he said she didn't even acknowledge him speaking.  
 

We used to watch their dog for a week at a time when they went away because we had a small dog as well and they loved each other but she doesn't ask that anymore either..... she is making sure I have nothing to do with absolutely anything and I really have zero clue why!

I think when her dad and I moved in together, even though we were together for 3 and a half years before doing so, it really made her hate me.  I don't know what else it was!!!  I really thought even though we weren't friends she was ok with me, and I even thought her husband liked me.

ok, sounds like I need to get over the whys and figure out how to move on from My own hurt feelings and wants that just aren't going to happen.

Cath5213's picture

I have seen a few of the commenters post in here about disengaging. And this is something I may need to do in the future. But how do you grow to accept that your DH has a second separate life from you? I don't want to and won't accept that. We are married and if the kids are adults and are married too, don't they also understand this? I mean, how would they feel if we invite them but not their partners, and tell them that we feel that their partners are awkward? We also don't do this to our parents. Both of my and DH's parents are still together, so that may be difficult to say, but the thing is, we would never invite one parent without welcoming the other. I wouldn't invite my MIL to a lunch at ours and tell her that my FIL isn't welcomed. So I don't quite understand how and why that should be accepted, especially when OP and all the other stepparents here haven't done anything wrong. I feel like this is something like tantrum throwing and I would feel that allowing this behaviour to continue (i.e. kid not inviting the stepparent and on purpose excluding the stepparent) is a form of social bullying and I would feel that it is something that my DH shouldn't allow for. I will never accept this moving forward, and I fear that having this outlook on my part means that my DH will not be having much of a relationship with his daughters if that is how they choose to act. It is a dilemma but it is not something that I would budge on. 

Daisygirl99's picture

I completely agree with you but to be honest DH said he would make it work no matter what but won't not ever see his daughter or grandchild.

i've told him to explain it to her just like that..... you got married, brought someone else into the family and now your spouse that they didn't choose is part of the family and welcome so why should he as her dad not be extended the same courtesy!?!

Again, if I had done anything to deserve this then I would understand.  But I have done nothing but send her nice gifts, been sure to be quiet around her and not say anything much at all to make sure I never offended her, I had to stand back and watch time and time again her make her parents pretend to be together for events and photos while I stood back and watched.... babysat her dog for a week at a time even when it was inconvenient... not a single negative thing out of my mouth to her ever....

and now I am shunned and her only reasoning is that it's awkward being around me and she doesn't like that her dad now lives with me and that he didn't sleep over with her mom when she had her baby.... those were her only reasons she could come up with!!'

I swear her and her mom baited me time and time again to flip out.... yet I didn't....I saw through it.... they tried to get me to be out of the picture and now that I am permanent for good now they just say well it's me and the grandkid or her.....

I hate this scenario for everyone.

Cath5213's picture

To be honest with you, I think it doesn't matter what you do or don't do, and it doesn't matter whether it's you or someone else in your place, she just doesn't like the idea of her dad being with someone else, no matter who it is. I have been nothing but nice and accommodating towards my SDs. I include them in my family's events, I have never excluded them in any of my or DH's family events and I most certainly never asked my DH to skip the weekend/s with them or anything. I have boundaries though, I set the rules and boundaries at our house and my SDs had to follow suit. If I don't, then DH would pretty much just let them do whatever they wanted, which I wouldn't like as I like certain expectations and regularities around my house. Of course they hated these rules, because BM would always them call the shots. 

My SDs of course hate me, but I think that they just hate the idea of me, so whoever is in my place would never be good enough because whoever she is, she would just be someone who takes their father away from them. My DH has never missed the scheduled weeknights and weekends with them, never missed any important events and birthdays, etc. but in their eyes, he is just a terrible father, and it is all because of the badmouthing that BM's family does and that my SDs absorb so very well, because they just don't have a brain of their own. DH is constantly being alienated and told he is a bad father, even though he supports them financially, always shows up and is generally there for them. Whatever that he and I do are never good enough. When we do good things for them, they see it all as we are obligated to do those anyway because we're the parents. We're never appreciated, I'm never appreciated. But when we set boundaries, then we're seen as being evil and seen as abandoning and neglecting them. It's also almost certain that it is only a one-way street with them. In the decade that I have known them, I constantly buy them presents (for birthdays, Christmases, etc.) but I have never not once received any sort of thing from them, not even a little thank you note or anything. Even my DH, in the decade that we were together, I think he ever only got 1 or 2 things from them. They most certainly never made any effort for me though and they go out of their way to make sure of that. I never expected anything grand from them, but a little thoughtful appreciation or even a drawing or notes would be kind of nice, you know? I have a good friend who has a daughter and I would buy her a little something here and there, and once she made me this little bracelet, which is just so very cute and thoughtful. And I see this little girl wayyyyy less than I see my SDs and she is also wayyy younger than my SDs (my SDs are 18 and 16). You might think that they're a bit young and might still therefore act like teenagers, but I doubt that they will change from where they are now. When they were younger I used to think, that's OK, when they get older they'll appreciate me, but things have actually gotten worse as they get older, they are becoming more and more like their mother and her side of the family (they are all crazies, btw, so my SDs have no hopes). So I think in my case they will, at some point, start acting like your SD. 

I said to DH, no matter what you/we do, even if you buy them a car each and a house each, it would never be enough for them and they would never be happy. They're just wired that way, they're constantly manipulative and act entitled. The word 'gratitude' doesn't exist in their dictionary. So I said to DH, seeming as you've been painted as a bad father, then why not show them what a bad father is? You might as well be one, as that's what they already think anyway.

It will be her mission to split you and DH up and she'll never be happy until that happens. It's either your DH puts his foot down now and agree to cease contact with her and the grandchild (if that's what she'd do), or this would just continue being like this and you're going to have to be OK with DH having a separate life. In my situation, I would not allow my DH (and myself) to have a toxic relationship with a selfish disrespectful id!ot, so unfortunately my DH would have to be OK with having minimal contacts with his kids. I have been telling him all this, in preparation of what the future might hold. He is slowly waking up to how crazy and toxic his kids are, which is all a good start. He is upset because he doesn't see them, but that's all their doing. They have been blocking him for the last 6 months. He still wants a sort of a relationship with them, but I just keep telling him to brace himself because even if he does, it might just be at arm's length, and that is really how I would prefer it anyway, because they are both so crazy, toxic and manipulative. And I hate dramas. 

Daisygirl99's picture

To be ok with it.

He said for years it would be different once we were married and then they would HAVE to include me but right before our wedding she made it clear I wasn't wanted.  He made it clear that he would never allow her to completely cut him out and would make it work somehow, even if it means missing a lot of things and only seeing her a handful of times a year for his grandchild.  
 

I agreed reluctantly but asked he didn't visit with his ex wife there (again it would be perfectly fine if I was allowed there too and knew her but I really don't and am not allowed to), and he won't leave us on actual holidays except Father's Day, (which she doesn't do anything for him for but apparently gets mad if we do and spend it with him).

So, I feel like I agreed to this.  But it was also under pressure... because our wedding was already booked and paid for.  So call off your wedding, kick a man that has become the man father figure in your kids' lives for almost half their life, and move on, or accept he will have a daughter and granddaughter that I may never know and he will continue to see maybe 10 days a year and be with us the rest of the time....

So I chose being with who I love and giving up those 10 days or so but it's still so hard and awkward....

I just don't understand why people can't get along!!! My one sister's husband was an absolute asshole, rude and mean to us, but we still allowed him at things and he came with her unless he chose not to.  That was her. Chosen spouse so we accepted him good or bad.  I don't get this!!!

MorningMia's picture

Our old therapist said to us (about our step situation/HCBM):  You can't place logic on the illogical. 

It will drive you crazy trying to do so. I've been there. Sometimes slip down that slide every once in a while now, but normally catch myself now and repeat that phrase. 

*I'd be fine with 10 days a year. I like my alone time. I get maybe 4 - 5 days a year. :) 

Rags's picture

These failed family weenus lemurs are a write off. Make sure your SO knows that and keep it very clear that while you will not prevent him from seeing them, he will do it at your side. You do not have to abide by his shit spawn's idiocy even if he wants to do that.

So be present. Be on your SO's arm, beam your radiance. Let the cockroaches run for the dark corners. They will.

Be at everything with your DH.  No one but you and you alone can make these choices. 

Trudie's picture

I am 100% with you on this! I do not understand allowing bad behavior...either act like an adult and treat others with honesty and respect (the BARE MINIMUM requirement for any type of relationship) or accept the consequences of your choices. Yes, it is their choice how to act and our choice how to respond! What you permit you promote. I do not tolerate nonsense. Also, I do not treat people with nonsense. Fair rules in my humble opinion. 

A good question is, who do you want to be unhappy with you? Your devoted spouse or your dysfunctional adult child? That should be a no-brainer!

Yesterdays's picture

A good question is, who do you want to be unhappy with you? Your devoted spouse or your dysfunctional adult child? That should be a no-brainer!

This is so true! 

Trudie's picture

...100%

Newimprvmodel's picture

Let her go. Let her go. Seriously. Be present in your marriage and with your kids. Honestly I would not bother even going to any of her events. Just pretend she doesn't exist. Clearly she feels that way about you and I can tell you my wedding was over 17 years ago and his kids pulled the same crap. They never showed up!!  And guess what. I busted my you know what over those years trying to get the little princesses to like me!  Useless waste of time for me!  And it will be for you as well. Maybe she end up liking you but she will not appreciate anything you could do for her.  Isn't it easier now?  Drop everything and just be a family unit with those who actually care about you. 

Daisygirl99's picture

Yes, she doesn't appreciate anything DH does for her either.  She didn't pay for a car until after she was married at 24.  She didn't pay one cent of her college, he paid it all.  He gave her a fairy tale wedding (I helped as well by helping Dh so he could afford what she wanted...I paid for all of our dates, his cats ridiculously expensive food, made him food and bought things for him so all his extra money could go towards her wedding)...

He gave her thousands of dollars for baby furniture and such.... 

and she can't even attend a free birthday dinner for her dad because I would be there too...

Newimprvmodel's picture

And it's not you personally. She is an emotionally stunted self absorbed human being and she is not your problem. I could go on and on over my SDs.  They appreciated absolutely nothing!!  They are fakes to their father who still chases them.  They give him really nothing back either. But again. FORGET ABOUT HER. 

Harry's picture

You will never make SD want a relationship with your family. You will never be treated fairly by SD.  SD is not going to change,  Have nothing to do with SD.  Make sure DH .. knows if he doesn't want another failed marriage, another set of kids who will not speak to him. He better start treating you and your kids better.   DH will not ..not put your name on invitations.  He will let the world know you are co hosting the party.   You will get all the privileges a wife gets .   If SD wants to play games. Not on your field.   You are in control.  Not SD. 

CLove's picture

Have your separate finances. Do not do anything for SD ungrateful chit that she is. Dont ask after her, only the grand. If hes invited somewhere assume you are included in that invitation also. 

No wonder you feel awkwardly! I have Sd25 Feral Forger, and when she was attending the big family events, before the big skirmish we just had a month or so ago, it was awkward seeing her. Her fangs were visible when she smiled fakely at me.

A little while ago, she had her hand out for money, an unpaid phone bill, and because he didnt have the cash to give her, went off on him. "you abandoned me for your wh@re of a wife!!!!" etc. Then went on family text to spout her drivel. That was also awkward. Only 2 people a sister and his youngest SD18 Princess Powersulk Do Nada defended him, and talked with him. And apparently she had also called and chewed out another niece of his for some reason (she doesnt like me so it was like oh well hahha) 

Your SD is using her kid as an emotional hostage for her emotional terrorism. Your DH is allowing this out of fear. This is not very sustainable but the grand is very young, so things will change when they get older.

SD, she sounds horrible. I pray that SD25 Feral Forger never gets pregnant...

Daisygirl99's picture

Yes, she is using her child to get what she wants just like her mummy used her two kids to the two different husbands to get them to do what she wanted.

So why wouldn't she do what she was taught!!!

ESMOD's picture

It sounds like she got very used to her dad being basically a non-romantic partner to her mom.  It sounds like the friendship involved a lot of joint events when she was growing up.. and even now.  It was all good when he was single.. but he has messed up the dynamic by getting married.  Joint parties are no longer really possible without a lot of awkwardness.  Maybe her mom is around so much.. she wants to avoid you and her being there together?  I don't know.. but your DH should be encouraging.. not demanding.. that she learn to accept and be happy that he has found someone to share his life with.

As for you.. I might consider it a blessing to not be obligated to join in all the family drama.. Disengage.. don't pine after a group of people that you wouldn't want to be part of anyway.  Your SO can see his daughter and GD.. but you won't push into that.. and perhaps in time..  he will decide he doesn't want to spend time without you.. and his daughter will see him less.  

Daisygirl99's picture

When her mom was remarried for a while, my DH was barely part of anything, he did things with his daughter on his own.

However, when she got divorced from her second husband, she (her mom) decided it was very important for them to be friends and do things together as a family.  So her mom would have BOTH ex husbands (to her two different kids) at all events together.  Which I don't see a problem with since they all got along.

The problem arose when he met me and they had every excuse in the book to not include me in anything and not invite me to anything.  Dear mummy (ex wife) convinced DH that their daughter needed them together for things.  Even took the kids on vacations together.  (She would take one vacation with DH and kids and one vacation with other ex husband and kids).  Me, personally, I think it was just a way to get free vacations since you make both your ex husbands pay for it.

Anyways, after two years of BS I said I am done, if you guys think you need to play footsies under the table to keep your daughter happy then do that, but I will no longer be apart of this.

So he chose to say I needed to be included from that point forward.  Guess what?!  All of a sudden now they don't have the big family gatherings with both ex husbands anymore.  As soon as he said he was bringing me they stopped!  Suddenly they were no longer important to do "for the kids".

i think it was all them trying to chase me away.  And now that it didn't work and he lives with me and married me, they are throwing tantrums.

But I think that was exactly it. A non-romantic partnership.  She leaned on him, they spent every holiday together, she would freely spend his money "on their ADULT daughter" (just buy stuff for her and say you owe this and he would just pay up no questions asked because they convinced him of he didn't do as they said he was a horrible dad), and now that is gone.
 

So SD did lose something.  I really really think she was living in her pretend world where her parents were together and thought she could keep it up forever.

Rags's picture

Be confident. Let DH know that you will not allow a child or an adult to disrespect you, or him, or your marriage. Let him know that it is time for this to be dealt with assertively and he either does it or you will.

Tolerating toxic manipulative self serving character void people like your Skidult SD just empowers their manipulative toxicity.  

You and DH need to sit down, discuss it in detail, set, and enforce your standards for how his failed family Skidult will be put and kept in her place.  Or in less shit stiring language, how she will be kept from continually disrupting your lives with her manipulations.

The addage of the person who keeps telling their Dr  "It hurts when I do this." to be told by the Dr. "Then don't do that." is just as effective in dealing with people who cause pain and disruption over and over again.  When they hurt with their access to the people who matter, the people who matter have to strip the access of the toxic. Even when the toxic are the progeny of a failed family.  Particularly when the are kidults. They, are the problem that has to be solved. Solving is to give them the clear message of what and who they are and rubbing their noses in the fact that they will no longer be tolerated to disrupt the best lives of you, DH, and your family. with their toxicity.

Lather.... rinse.... repeat.

Daisygirl99's picture

Before we got married, knowing what she said, we discussed what we could tolerate and not.

He can't make her invite me or make me welcome in her house and I acknowledge this.  So, in the meantime, he takes off work one day a month to visit his grandchild there.  I am ok with that as while I don't think it's "fair" to me, I also not think it's fair to DH to never see his grandchild again either.

I asked that he just assume I am invited to events whether or not I am on the invitation and if he specifically is told I am not to come, we don't go.  No more hanging out with ex-wife without me.  
 

I am totally for exes getting along and being at things together but I strongly believe it needs to include their new partners too.  It's ridiculous not to.

 

Trudie's picture

x100%

 

Dollbabies's picture

been passed that says fathers must stay by their daughters' side if they have c-sections? That is just weird!

Daisygirl99's picture

Yes honestly he was excited to be allowed at the hospital because she is overly attached to her mom.  He is usually an afterthought.

He was there, all 4 days, from 9 am till 8/9 pm. Came home near midnight, left at 6 am.  And she still thinks this is a problem as how dare he come home and sleep with me instead of staying in her empty house with her mummy...

Everything she does I feel is to try to cause a rift in our relationship.  I doubt she genuinely wanted him there, except for one family picture of him and her mom holding their grand holding their grandchild together to have photo proof of her delusions that they are sa family.

She was mad because her plan didn't work.

Dollbabies's picture

me nuts. You need time to just be with your newborn, to start getting to know them, to get breastfeeding established, to SLEEP!!! My parents visited me one evening after the baby was born and that was plenty. My in-laws came a couple/few times because they were watching my older child and so brought him to visit. I even got tired of their dad being there! It sounds like your SD saw this as her chance to be the center of attention and was milking it for all it was worth. 

DENIP's picture

Sounds like you have a very emotionally immature SD. 

Her insecurity/fear of abandonment issues from the divorce of her parents, and her grand sense of entitlement have most likely been fostered by said parents through the years due to their guilt. 

She is most likely used to getting what she wants and sees her manipulative tactics to gain attention and control as effective - because they ARE. Using her children as pawns in her little fantasy game is selfish and a great revelation as to what kind of person she really is. I believe CBT/Cognitive Behavioral Therapy could greatly help her come to a place of reality, if she is willing to get it. 

Along with emotional immaturity comes narcissistic traits. Although, narcissistic traits do not necessarily equate to NPD. 

She is triangulating to try and isolate you away from her little "fake family bubble." 

She wants to be in 1st place. She is in competition with you and it sounds as if she is putting pressure on your father to ensure she is in that place, with her manipulative tactics. 

At her stage in life, she shouldn't be this dependent upon her parents. She should be more focused on creating her own life and family, and not trying to simultaneously control her father's personal life.

I have a 20 yo SD who was told by her father to leave our home after living without us for 4 years, due to disrespect and sense of entitlement. She is also emotionally immature and damaged goods due to her mother. My husband was never married to her mom. They split when she was 1 yo.

She was 9 1/2 when I came into the picture. Outside of living with us, she never lived with him. She had it made here. Although, she was encouraged to pay for her own vehicle, bills, and college education.

She and I are no longer on speaking terms. I haven't seen or talked to her in more than 6 months. She continues to compete as well for "1st place," even twisting the truth, overdramatizing past events, and accusing her father of never being there for her, and he is an EXCEPTIONAL father/man. All this to get her father to see things from her perspective which is the "flying monkey" perspective. She had many opportunities to speak, and she stayed silent. Yet, he and I are "to blame." She owns nothing of the wrongs she has committed. And so, I pray for her, but I release her now. I know it's tough when you care, but, you have to see it as if she is not there at all for your own health and well-being.

Your husband needs to make it very clear that you are #1 in his life to her. Yes, his children and grandchildren matter, that goes without saying, but at the end of the day, you have made a covenant with this man and he with you, something no one else has and he MUST protect it. 

He cannot see he is being manipulated like a puppet on a string. Your husband eventually will become exhausted and agitated by his daughter's selfish "tug-o-war" tactics. 

For your sake, for his sake, for the sake of your marriage, he needs to put his foot down and listen to you first. 

I realize he wants to be in their lives, but he can't put your marriage on the "altar of sacrifice" to accomplish it. This SD needs to understand boundaries and it is up to your husband to reinforce them and make them known. If that means she withholds time with her and her children, so be it. He should not allow this foolishness to continue any further. She is rude and needs a rude awakening. Time to grow up, SD!

Blessings on your marriage. 

 

 

Trudie's picture

Great assessment of this situation!

Daisygirl99's picture

He is an exceptional father and gave whatever he had to and made sure he always provided everything for her.  He always put her first.  And yes she takes it all for granted and tells him he is not there for her and it's all so ridiculous.

I don't really think she wanted him at the hospital the entire time.  I truely believe it was to anger me having him with her "mummy" for days on end without me and she knew she had 100 percent control of the situation.  And it backfired because I didn't care and he didn't stay with "mummy".

He won't ever just not see her though.....He promised he wouldn't go to family things and holidays with his ex-wife anymore without me but he will go to things for his grandchild.  
 

it's just a sucky situation for everyone involved and it really isn't necessary.  Our kids and myself could be around them and be kind to them.  I would gladly  share holidays with her mummy and be nice so they could have their holidays together still.  I am just not willing to be left out of it because it isn't necessary.  Her mummy didn't leave her husband out when she was married and do things with my DH when she was a baby and the divorce was new  so I don't buy into it ever have being necessary now that she is an adult and the tables are reversed.

I think her mummy has a lot to do with this too but DH claims she doesn't care.  SD and her mummy are kindof a package deal though so I don't buy it.  Her husband even said he knows he is second to her mummy.

I don't know everything is so odd and awkward.  I am not married to my parents so I don't understand this.

Cath5213's picture

Wow, EVERYTHING you have written has my SDs A.L.L. O.V.E.R. I.T. No joke. I am also not on speaking terms with my SDs for the last 6 months and I'm actually all the better for it. They are 100% what you said above, competing with me, wanting to be 1st in her dad's eyes, and always telling him how bad of a father he is, even though my DH has always been there for both of them, never missed any important occasions, never missed any weeknight or weekends with them. The SDs' families are all backing this, always badmouthing DH and I whenever they get a chance. They are manipulative, self-centred and narcissistic, and never admitting fault and always aim to treat me like I'm sub-human. I think their aim is always to ruin the relationship I have with my DH. My DH hasn't been in contact much with them either and he is also in agreeance that they are Crazy (with a capital C), though I know that he is sad that he isn't seeing them. I will stand my ground though, and I won't let two crazies run my life and creating havoc.

Daisygirl99's picture

Like seriously I've never felt comfortable texting or calling her ever!  I've sent a text that said Happy Birthday or the likes and that is it.  I've texted to try to make plans for birthdays/Father's Day and got minimal excuses why there is not a single day she could be available to meet for such and it just got to the point that I didn't even text for that anymore.

She seems like she is very easily annoyed with people and quick to criticize others so I always said as little as possible and tried not to bother her.  I figured if I didn't say much and was careful not to annoy her by contacting her a bunch I could stay on her good side, but apparently not!

Daisygirl99's picture

Like seriously I've never felt comfortable texting or calling her ever!  I've sent a text that said Happy Birthday or the likes and that is it.  I've texted to try to make plans for birthdays/Father's Day and got minimal excuses why there is not a single day she could be available to meet for such and it just got to the point that I didn't even text for that anymore.

She seems like she is very easily annoyed with people and quick to criticize others so I always said as little as possible and tried not to bother her.  I figured if I didn't say much and was careful not to annoy her by contacting her a bunch I could stay on her good side, but apparently not!

Harry's picture

Love that quote.  Its half this board.   Thank you notarelative.  You did nothing wrong,  but you can not change SD.  or DH  they are two people going in circles.  Totally disengage from SD.  Don't think you are going to have any relationship with SD.  

 

Daisygirl99's picture

He is convinced that if he "shows her he is still there for her" she will come around.

He thinks he can "win her over" again.  He is doing so by not pushing us visiting her and just visiting her alone, by saying he will spend a weekend with her, her hubby and grandchild without me etc.  

He thinks by doing so she will eventually come around.  I personally think it will just become the new norm.

It's just the weirdest feeling to me and I am confused on what we tell people.  It's like my DH has a grandchild, but I am not allowed to say she is a step grandchild.  Dh has three children now but I still only have two.  And if I say I only have two, then I am a bad step-parent.  But if I say I have three as well, it will be how dare I pretend to know her or have anything to do with her.

Its just a lose-lose-lose-lose situation no matter what I do I feel.  Nor no matter what he does for him as well.

I just never imagined myself in this situation.  I am pretty easy to get along and pretty low maintenance.  I don't start fights, try my best to not criticize anyone for having different opinions than me, I go along with what everyone else wants for pretty much anything.....

I do need to stop trying to rationalize irrational thinking.....

MorningMia's picture

He is convinced that if he "shows her he is still there for her" she will come around.

No. It doesn't work that way.

He thinks he can "win her over" again.  He is doing so by not pushing us visiting her and just visiting her alone, by saying he will spend a weekend with her, her hubby and grandchild without me etc.  

Has he put a timeline on this? Months? Years? I'd ask. 

He thinks by doing so she will eventually come around.  I personally think it will just become the new norm.

It will. 

It's just the weirdest feeling to me and I am confused on what we tell people.  It's like my DH has a grandchild, but I am not allowed to say she is a step grandchild.  Dh has three children now but I still only have two.  And if I say I only have two, then I am a bad step-parent.  But if I say I have three as well, it will be how dare I pretend to know her or have anything to do with her.

This is a big fat non-issue for me. I tell people that my husband has kids and grandchildren. I don't even call the skids "my stepchildren."  Never have. You're not a bad SP by saying you have two kids. You're telling the truth. I think you are judging yourself and imagining what people will think. No one really cares how you refer to your SD. Maybe you could just start referring to her as "the little bitch." 

I just never imagined myself in this situation.  I am pretty easy to get along and pretty low maintenance.  I don't start fights, try my best to not criticize anyone for having different opinions than me, I go along with what everyone else wants for pretty much anything.....

And many mistake kindness for weakness and take advantage. Or maybe you should not be "low maintenance." How do you want things to be? How realistic is your vision? And can you accept the way things are? 

P.S. I bet if you make sure to go out and have fun and go on weekend trips when hubby is away kissing his daughter's ass, his weekends with her won't seem so appealing to him after all. Muhahahah. 

Daisygirl99's picture

Yes, if he needs to go spend a weekend for "one on one" time with SD (the one on one time is SD, SGD, and SSIL --- not one on one at all haha) and I am not invited, I fully plan on doing something fun with my kids too that weekend.

Not to be mean but to distract us all from the fact that we are not accepted by her as part of the family and worth knowing/having around.  (My kids are hurt by it too.... they wanted to know her but can't.  Only met her 3 times in 6 years!)

Rags's picture

Start booking spa  days, weekend trips to resorts with friends on the DH's Spawn and GSpawn worshipping trips.

Or, OP should just get in the car with him when he goes on those trips. No need to be verbal. Just be present and makse sure the message to the gene pool worshipping faiure of a DH and his spawn get the message. Take a book and read, order the best stuff on the menu, and be present.  DH will likely either pare down his his visits or end them all together.  

Being tolerant of toxic is facilitating it.

Newimprvmodel's picture

And blank grandchildren. They are not mine. He and I are married but due to their choice his children are not a part of our family. Their father is a big part of my and our family but that's it. All of my children love and respect him. They appreciate him on his birthday and FD.  His children do not. I think that over the years the contact with his kids is less and less. How connected can you be to someone you only see in person once a year or every few years.  You've tried. Most Step parents try. After trying to get water from a stone you put it down. You have nothing to feel bad about. 

Daisygirl99's picture

That's exactly it!  I see her once a year and it's a visit forced by DH, it's very awkward bc it is always obvious I was not wanted there.... so we have zero connection.

He goes once a month to visit his grandchild while she pampers herself and that is basically it.

She texts him a lot, mostly pictures and updates on the grandchild but that is mostly all of their relationship now because she is so headset on me not existing.

I've always said I felt like a mistress even though I came along 20 years after his ex wife cheated, left, remarried, had another kid etc.  and was like how can they treat me like a mistress when I obviously had zero to do with their family not working forever ago....

But now I am wondering if it wasn't the ex wife seeing me as a mistress ruining her family but more the daughter no longer being the sole woman in her dad's life and therefore I am the mistress to that?!?!

priyrasta's picture

wow - am so relieved to have found this string... am in the same boat ... but i have realised that the sd has so royally disrespected me and her own father that i have given up caring about her. and have washed my hands of the situation...it took a while - to the point where i refused to have any interaction with someone so disrespectful.  -i wouldnt tolerate this from kids in high school - why would i let my spouse's kid misbehave with me...

having said that - she is not welcome in our house, or near me - and i have no issues not being around here - infact am relieved and grateful i dont need to interact with a kid who is so clearly damaged ...

Daisygirl99's picture

That you can relate.

Before this I never knew someone could hate someone so bad that they don't even know at all just for being alive.

DENIP's picture

You've done nothing wrong. You are not to blame for her actions. SD is locked and loaded to disinclude you and that's weird. The whole dynamic is weird which is why it sounds weird to have to explain to people the dynamics of the situation. It's not normal - AT ALL, of no fault of your own. You did your best, putting your best foot forward to try and have harmony in this family. As tough as it is, remain disengaged from SD. It is HER LOSS, not yours. What goes around will eventually come around. 

 

Cath5213's picture

If I were you I'd have a sit down with DH and I won't tolerate his daughter disrespecting me. DH really needs to pick a side. His daughter will always be his daughter, but he is also a married man now. I would never want to put my DH in a difficult situation like that but if it is something that his daughter wants him to do, then so be it. It will be her aim to exclude you, she will never want to let you in her life, or invite you to anything. And given you haven't done anything, it is all due to her own emotional immaturity & fear of abandonment. DH needs to put his foot down and if you aren't invited, then he doesn't go. You are married to him, and you are essentially treated as one entity (did you know that?). It will be her goal to split you up, she will make it her mission. And no matter what your DH does, it will never be appreciated. As you mentioned your DH put every penny aside for her wedding, she will just treat it as, 'you're my father, you're supposed to do that anyway'. That is what my SDs keep saying to my DH. Put your foot down, if your DH can't respect you as his wife, maybe you'll need to find another husband who actually has a backbone...? 

CLove's picture

Love how you described being married as being "one".

If you dont establish healthy boundaries now, things will definitely get worse.

Cath5213's picture

Thank you, and it is definitely all true. In the eyes of law, when you marry someone, you are treated as one entity, in the sense that whatever you own, your spouse now owns that too, and whatever debt you've got, your spouse now has that debt too! If the law can see you as one entity, the opinion of one entitled disrespectful stepdaughter does not overrule that, for sure? Haha. I'd put my foot down if I were OP, or get a divorce because her DH is so very clearly putting his daughter in front of her, and respecting his daughter's wishes more than his wife's. 

I said to my DH, you need to wake up and realise that I AM your next of kin, not your daughters, not your parents. I AM. (This is because his parents started meddling into this issue that we're having with his kids and started telling him that he has to amend it, etc. and I said to my DH, do they know that your kids are the ones who have been blocking you? How do you make contacts with them if they're blocking you?) Anyway, I also said to my DH, if you were to drop dead tomorrow, it'd be up to me how I want to organise your funeral and look after your assets (unless he has a will of course). It isn't up to your parents, it isn't up to your kids, it is up to me. And if I want to, I can exclude your children and your parents from attending your funeral (evil, I know, right? But I love saying wicked, evil sh!ts LOL). My point though, was that he needs to wake up and start realising that his kids aren't the mini-wives they think they are, and that I AM his wife, not them, and as so long as I'm being reasonable and respectful towards his kids, he needs to wake up and realise which side he needs to pick: the loving caring wife who has stood by his side this whole time (and who also has the power to exclude all his families at his funeral LOLOLOL); or the entitled disrespectful brats who keeps telling him what a horrible person he is and has him blocked the last 6 months even though nothing bad has ever happened between them? I rest my case (and I think I'd make a good defence lawyer, too LOL).

Rags's picture

Though an Executive JD to augment my Mgt career.  Then when I retired I would take an intensive BAR prep course and go be a PITA doing probono work for the quality side of family law.

I would be hard pressed to be a defense attorney due to my basic faith in the system and my own only venture into the justice/legal world when the State attempted to take my DL after a major accident. They claimed it was due to my diabetes.  I was on business when the wreck happened and I called my business law firm. They also had a Capital Crimes defense practice so my atty to defend my DW was a death penalty defense atty.  We won. As we left the hearing he was strangely emotional. He explained that all of his clients were guilty. It was his job to avoid the dealth penalty and keep them alive.  I was the first case he had ever won with a full ruling in his clients favor. Though my case was not a criminal case.

If was going to be a criminal atty, I would like lean to being a prosecutor.  Though defense money is far better usually. As I understand it anyway.

Trudie's picture

This speaks to my soul. I understand 100%.

Rags's picture

You are married to your husband, he is married to you. You together trump anyone and everyone. PERIOD DOT!

You are not excluded from anything in his life. Not one thing. He needs to plant that flag with his hell spawn and defend that hill against the toxic army or Orcs.  

Be together, be happy, and  you be radiant.  The cockroach SD will run for a dark corner when hit by your radiance just like roaches in a dark room scurry for the shaddows when a light is turned on.

I have zero time for either a toxic opposition or a ball-less partner who whould cowtow to their failed family issue and their toxic bullshit.

Daisygirl99's picture

I mean, he is too.  We don't get invited to anything.  If he asks if we can come visit they always have no time.  If they are in visiting her mother and we ask to meet them for a meal out the answer is always no.

But, if it's just him, they will say yes.  So he visits alone.  Takes them to dinner alone, etc.  or he doesn't see them ever.

Winterglow's picture

In other words, he is rewarding her rejection of you by granting her what she wants, his presence. You husband is a weak man and a disappointing partner. I simply hope he isn't spending a penny of your combined finances on her.

Daisygirl99's picture

That is exactly how I feel.  It's inappropriate to act like I don't exist and not give me a chance.  Yes your dad moved and doesn't do sleepovers with your mummy anymore...... that is pretty normal for a married man not to do those things.... mummy didn't do those things either when she was married...

But let me reward you by not bringing her around you nor talking about my life at all and we can all just pretend she doesn't exist when we are together.....

Daisygirl99's picture

DH compares it to me not being able to make my kids behave 24/7..... but the difference is I do correct them and there are consequences.  Plus they are children and I do not tolerate rudeness from my children.

When my son was 6, he didn't want to invite my DH to his birthday party (we were dating a year then) and I didn't understand why because he liked him so I asked why.   He said because he was afraid his dad wouldn't come.  I told him my DH (then boyfriend) was important to me and therefore he was going to be invited to things.  And that his dad didn't want to attend anything together (he made this clear) and that was his choice and that my partner was not responsible for that.  Guess what?  Has never been an issue since.  I am the adult of the house and my partner gets included, end of story.  Now our kids love him to death and are actually kids, so it may be easier, but an adult can have consequences too.

He thinks she will really just cut him out forever though if he doesn't comply.  I just feel if he would've expressed this in the beginning we wouldn't be here.  But instead her mummy made every excuse in the book of why she needed to exclude me from things and he complied so as not to get left out and here we are...

Daisygirl99's picture

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Winterglow's picture

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Yesterdays's picture

My husband visits his kids (Ss18, Sd16) alone. But they are not yet at that stage of inviting him to weddings, etc or grandkids and whatnot. I feel like once these things start happening it's going to create huge issues for us. Because I'll be angry once he starts wanting to have a life with them and their spouses while they actively shun myself as part of their dads life... 

Rags's picture

Make it an event. Stay at a nice hotel, have plans and reservations, then go knock on their door. 

SURPRISE!!!  If they close the door, so be it. Go enjoy the best things in that area.

My guess is they will let you in though they will be noticably on edge.  

The point is, we are "one" and we are present.  Like it or not.  

I pretty much don't give people a choice other than to accept my wife and I as a  unit.  If they have a problem with that, the problem is on them, and so I am. Or more accurately, so are we.

Diablo

Daisygirl99's picture

But he is used to tiptoeing around his ex wife and daughter.....

Honestly so does everyone really.  They rule everything in that family.  It's so odd!!!

DH's ex-wife's mother is actually friends with me and has hinted numerous times that her daughter is controlling and rude.  She joked in front of me that maybe she hopes she gets to see her great grandchild by the time she is in kindergarten.  
 

Everyone tiptoes around ex-wife or they didn't get access to SD and now SD is doing the same thing her mother did to continue the tradition.

Such an odd way to live, being hateful to almost everyone.  I don't understand how that is fun.

Newimprvmodel's picture

I feel like second spouses are also shunned by many in laws as well. My H comes from large family and for years I've never been accepted as a legit spouse in part as I don't have kids with H or share the long histories that the spouses share. Recently at a family gathering a brother in law was taking family pics at the dinner table and purposely was maneuvering to take them so that I was not in them. H actually saw it and said that Mary is not in the picture. To which his brother replied that I did not want to be in the pics which was a lie. H dropped it but shortly after I ate quickly and excused myself. This is the same BIL that visits several times a year to our home and sends us a few large framed photos of the visit. ONLY of my husband and his brothers kids. H refuses to acknowledge the slight to me and I didn't mention what happened recently because it clearly registered with my H. 
Are all families like this?  Not really accepting the second spouse?  Some. But find the victories. I have been texting with my ex's new wife over plans for my daughter in laws shower which is turning into a big weekend with DIL family, my ex and his wife and my kids.  I'm open to new connections. Life is too short 

Daisygirl99's picture

I can see this!  I remember at SD's wedding her husband didn't want anyone to know his parents were divorced.  I remember thinking is that embarrassing?  Isn't it ok in life to make mistakes and not have everything turn out?!  Don't we get second chances anymore?!

 

Rags's picture

No recognition from ILs that their own child exited a marriage with the X and even less recognition that that marriage was broken as often due to the X as to their own kid.

For some reason the life support system for the golden gonads in the failed marriage maintains some mythical place of importance with XILs. Particularly the ILs of the new spouse.

I am fortunate. My parents wrote off my cheating XW when I told them we were divorcing and more so as her serial cheating came out during the divorce process. I am blessed to have not put my parents through a divorce with GKs involved. Though even if we had a child together, I am confident that my parents would not have much use for my XW and my hypothetical XW spawned kid would love my parents to no end.  The difference between that hypo-kids relationship with my parents Vs my XILs would have been a very interesting comparison.

 I am also fortunate that my ILs hate the Spermidiot. Though I was not accepted for a couple of years, he has never been deified by my ILs.

Trudie's picture

One of my friends, who is a therapist, said that it is often this way for second marriages. Often, the couple will not have children together and this fact has a big impact upon accepting the newcomer. Why are people not more happy that their family member is happy? Why would they limit love? There should be enough to go around!

Daisygirl99's picture

I think that is part of the reason I am so offended by this.

We accept whoever you are with.  I have 3 siblings.  We all got married.  No one chose anyone's spouse.  We all just go to whatever we want and get along.  No one is mean to each other.  Everyone respects each other.  My one sister died now but her husband was a bit of a jerk to all of us and would make mean comments at times.  We didn't really like it but that was her husband so we never excluded him and we just tried our best to let it roll off of our shoulders and be nice anyways.  

I keep hearing people say it's unfair to kids in blended families because they didn't ask to be in a blended family....and that is why new spouses shouldn't be forced upon them ..... does anyone ask for anything though?  The only person who is chosen is your spouse.  No one asked to be born.  No one picked their kids out of a catalog.  No one picked how many siblings they have or don't have.  No one chose their parents/aunts/uncles etc.

He is going to visit her tomorrow and I asked my DH to talk to her again about me and the kids and what her real issue is.  He said he can talk till he is blue in the face and she doesn't care about him or me and our feelings.  I said can't you explain that you didn't chose her spouse yet she got married and moved and changed the whole dynamics and that you accepted it all and how would she feel if DH treated her spouse and her the way she treats us?!?  He said he could say something but he said she would cut him off in an instant if he ever didn't accept her spouse.  I was like that is exactly my point!!!  Why does she feel she has the right to do that to you then?!?!

Even if she would allow us to come at times now it's going to be awkward forever and she knows that because of the way she acted and the fact that it will never be not awkward if all you get is a forced visit 1-2 times a year.

Winterglow's picture

It will always be awkward for her until she gets to know you and that won't ever happen as long,as she refuses to see you.

But you already know that.

BobbyDazzler's picture

When my narcissist OSS moved out of our house, I encouraged my DH to go over to his new house every-once-in-a-while for a visit (we always called first) and I would go along. The first 3 times we went to visit, OSS made no eye contact with me and spoke to his father only. I stopped going explaining to my DH that it's rude and I'm not going to allow myself to be insulted. My Dh stopped going over as well. As a matter of fact, my DH does NOTHING with this son unless I tag along.  I find that odd. I refuse to tag along as I went grey rock with OSS and his wife years ago. What is with our spouses that enable these adult 'children'?

Why invest your kindness and emotion in someone that doesn't respect you? She won't change. Protect your emotional welfare at all cost. 

Daisygirl99's picture

Her nonsense.  What I can't seem to get past is how she is refusing to let me at anything and has DH convinced it is because he isn't a good dad anymore and I changed him.

He thinks he needs to "win" her over so she will eventually accept me.  How do you "win" an adult child over?!?  He's given her everything and it didn't work and I am sure not about to buy her affection.  I don't need her affection.  But I do need respect that I am his spouse and should be at minimum treated like anyone else she knows and invites to things spouses.  Not like I don't exist.

He also said he feels her mother isn't in good health and SD will need us in a few years and come around.  But who wants to be used and then falsely accepted only once they "need" you?!?

Plus I don't think ex wife is in poor shape like he says.  I think she is a faker to get attention and to manipulate people.

Winterglow's picture

Your DH is living a parallel world. In what universe does he imagine that things magically get better? Find yourself a GOOD counsellor and tell him he's going  with you or... up to you to decide the consequences. 

Tell him you've had it with his excuses. You want to live with an adult.

Stop with the crap.

Newimprvmodel's picture

The night before our wedding, the one steps never responded to our invite or attended, the ex was calling H several times saying that little princess had gotten conked on head playing soccer and she was in ER and had headache and Oh my word!! Lol. You get the drift. Drama Rama. 

Daisygirl99's picture

Yeah on our wedding day OUR WEDDING DAY...the wedding she refused to come to.... she kept texting about her dog being sluggish and might be sick.  I was like really?!?!  You haven't done enough damage to our wedding day but you have to pester him about minute things now too?!

so is this a common theme?!  Why don't I know more people with these issues?  All my remarried friends have adult stepkids that welcomed them from day 1.

Daisygirl99's picture

There is that much hate/jealousy/ whatever is going on.

It blows my mind.  
 

I completely hate my abusive ex and he is horrible to my kids but I chose to leave him alone to live his life....no need for drama....

 So if she wants to never see me again so be it but at least respect our important dates.....

 

Newimprvmodel's picture

The ex sent us a court motion that was in our mailbox when we came home from the wedding. No joke. To pay for thousands of dollars of college expenses. And here I scrimped to save money on a honeymoon.  I think that cooked my relationship with the steps from that point on.  And honestly it marred my memories years later. 

Daisygirl99's picture

100% of her college.... including his exes half.  He just went ahead and paid it all off when he sold his house.  Only could do it because he lives here with me now....

But yeah that sucks!  In my state you can't force a parent to pay for college unless it was agreed in the divorce order

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

I've got the no eye contact thing too- it's ridiculous. They'd be far better off just showing a modest amount of respect, but no one knows what they are losing until its gone....in the cases where they didn't even know what they were missing out on because they were disrepectful from Day 1- too bad, their loss. Truly, their LOSS. 

Daisygirl99's picture

To her.  She has zero idea of how much I have helped her by helping her dad.  
She also has zero idea of how much I could help her with her dad if she actually allowed me to be a part of things.

I don't think that I am ok with being tossed aside, ignored and unwanted until she is desperate years down the road and wants me.

No thank you!  You either respect me as a human being who is good to your dad and no harm to you or you lose me as a future asset to you.

Trudie's picture

I understand this. I do not think OSD has the capacity to repair the damage she has caused, related to lack of basic intelligence and self awareness. I was prepared to love her because she is my DH's daughter. I have never before encountered such a dysfunctional, hateful person. Like you, I am over it.