Hateful/Controlling SD
I haven’t seen nor heard from SKids in over a year.
SD contacted her dad in December only to berate him and then let him know she was pregnant.
They met ONCE in person during pregnancy.
I am a crafty person and had sent her gifts for her classroom (1st year teacher) - got no response and they weren’t returned either.
For the in person meeting, I made a gift for the nursery. She readily accepted it from her dad, but made no attempt to thank me.
Any communication through pregnancy was initiated by my husband. Towards the end of the pregnancy - he asked if he would be allowed to visit at the hospital.
This caused her to go on a complete tirade about me - and how I wasn’t welcome in any way. When he reiterated he just wanted to know if he could be there - she accused him of throwing a pity party. The messages she sent him were awful.
He only found out by accident she was admitted to the hospital, though she allowed him to come and stay for the birth. I again made a gift - that she LOVED, but he couldn’t specifically say I made it.
The next day she sent him a new “friend request” on social media - a huge step he thinks towards rebuilding. I tried to warn him it’s the newborn euphoria and it will be back to yo-yo living once she is postpartum and beyond.
Having a few days for myself to digest - I have made it clear to him now that I am going to remain disengaged from his kids, for my mental health. As hard as it is to not buy gifts and make items, because I love to do those things, but I am not going to be used for stuff and not respected as a person. I am content to not have them in my life. Husband is not happy and feels torn, I have told him he can be as involved with them as he wants, but I want nothing to do with them. I won’t stand in the way of him having a relationship, and when they cut him off again, and they will - I will help him find a counselor to give him strength to get off the yo-yo.
I feel 500% better. It will be hard, I am by nature a giving person and sometimes cannot help myself, but I have to put my mental well being first.
Will see see how this goes.
Good for you!!!
"I have made it clear to him now that I am going to remain disengaged from his kids, for my mental health." You did the right thing. SD sounds like a spoiled brat. Please know that this has absolutely NOTHING to do with you. I like the idea of sending DH to a counselor to help him get off of the yo-yo. He can visit SD and still treat you like your marriage is his first priority. Insist on it.
Since you like to give, there are all sorts of charities who would love to have the things you make. That 'home made' item can really help someone who is in the hospital long term. Good luck and stay the sweet person you are.
You sound a kind, generous
You sound a kind, generous person, but honestly don't waste your lovingly made gifts on people who won't appreciate them - like Sandye suggests, give them to a charity or someone who will value all the love and work gone into them.
I stopped getting gifts for my two SDs a number of years ago. Up until then, I chose gifts carefully for well over a decade that I thought they might like, even long after I disengaged from them, behaviour-wise. Like you, I like to give people presents that I think will delight them. But after one particularly hurtful incident, I decided to stop and have not given any gifts for about the last 5 yrs, and never will again.
Your DH does not have your back
In stead of parenting his kids he plays you against them. He is the one who is failing you. He is allowing SK to be that way. Then when you don’t play nice you are at fault !!! It’s DH
Don't chase people who don't
Don't chase people who don't want a relationship with you - DH shouldn't either.
When the grandkids come along
When the grandkids come along, it starts a new chapter in the chronicles of the dysfunctional family. Many skids use their offspring as leverage and a means to financially exploit. Some get drunk with power and withold the gskids. Essentially, if things weren't healthy before, gskids are a powerful weapon in the hands of their damaged parents.
Your H comes across as a weak, namby pamby, buttkissing daaddee who's given away all of his power by groveling and begging his daughter for crumbs. I agree with Kes and tog about not chasing or wasting time on people who don't want a relationship, and think you've done the right thing by removing yourself from the equation. Just keep a sharp eye on your H and the finances, and prepare for the demands for $$ and babysitting. Don't reward bad behavior, and don't let you kind heart be deceived into being a patsy.
Self love! Yes take care of
Self love! Yes take care of you and know that your well being, sanity and happiness is what you deserve. Do not ever allow anyone to take that away from you. You have created a strong boundary and rightfully so. Never change and stay the wonderful person you are.