Looks like I’m getti what I asked for
Forums:
Well looks like they’re moving to town. SD’s husband got a job in the area. I’m scared to death of what this is going to be like. At least no more overnight visits for days on end. Just hope DH limits their time here the same way I do with my grands. She said she needs limits or will take advantage of us. I’m also afraid they will ask to stay with us while they’re in transition. I truly won’t be able to take that.
You need to ay down some
You need to ay down some ground rules straight away, before they arrive in town. Learn to say no. No to the accommodation-they can find somewhere to rent before they even arrive. Lay down rules for when they come around before that even happens,make sure you do nothing for them so they expect certain thins when they are there. Make sure you and DH are on the same page- then make your own plans for if and when those rules are broken.
I think it is important to be pro-active from the start- once you let her set any of the terms you'll be in trouble.
That's my advice!
Y’all are so right. I just
Y’all are so right. I just have to find my voice! And do it in a kind but firm way. And do it from the beginning or else everyone will think I’m okay with things I’m not okay with. He’s set terms for my family so I’ll set them for his!
Yes, negotiate ground rules
Yes, negotiate ground rules kindly and quickly - long before the move is made. Try to anticipate possible situations so you've got a rule in place and there are no surprises. And feel free to layout anything you can't tolerate no matter what. Be sure you negotiate how the rules will be imparted to SD and what will be done if rules are broken or SD asks for more than you're willing to give. Who will be "the bad guy?"
Any suggestions for how to
Any suggestions for how to approach it with DH? Right now I have my grands 2-3 hours one afternoon a week with part of that time at our house. Then maybe 1 evening a month we have them so parents can have a date night. I go to DD’s house to see them or take grands on an outing 2-3 other times a month. I would expect (hope) he would want similar with his grands. I also don’t want to have to share all holidays with them. Our kids are as different as night and day and I don’t think they would want that either. There should be some compromise.
Just be honest - you want to
Just be honest - you want to avoid conflicts down the pike by talking over things now. You want to be sure you and he are the ones driving the decisions and that you're not making them on the fly or without input from the other. Getting everyone on the same page can reduce later surprises regarding babysitting, holidays and other things that might pop up. Tell him you want to be fair, you don't want to make any promises he's not comfortable with, and it might be good to work out a holiday schedule ahead of time, blah, blah, blah. Of course, you're really worried about him making promises that you're not comfortable with, but meh, that's just a detail!
I think it's great to be proactive to reduce conflict.
I think you need to use the
I think you need to use the word 'we' a lot. Keep emphasising that you are a couple and entitled to your own personal space free of the interference of your combined families. Try, as far as is possible, to be fair to all parties. Listen more than you talk- and try to agree before you disagree- 'I understand you but...' Keep to the matter in hand- if he tries to deflect by bringing up old issues just ignore it and get back to what you are talking about. Easier said than done, I know but pre-emption is better than reaction. Take the lead.
You have my deepest symathy
You have my deepest symathy OP. We moved away from SD to a neighboring State, it is bliss.
I totally disengaged from SD57; she is only allowed to visit DH, never stay overnight in our home. She knows that without being told, therefore, she has never attempted to stay; nor are they invited for a meal or even a cold drink. Ugly, but true. I tolerated her bad treatment for 30+ years for DH. She stepped on my toes once very hard, 4 years ago; not another chance for her to repeat it. I have let her know that, without one word. Sorry, but I am not a forgiving person, nor am I friendly to her.
Good Luck