Am I overreacting?
So my DH came up with a plan for Christmas (we are doing this tonight) which I agreed to. His family comes to our house at 3 to open gifts together. Then my family arrives at 5 and we all eat together. Then his family leaves at 6:30 and my family then opens gifts together. Today he informed, yes informed not asked, me that he had told his daughter they could go to his parents apartment in our basement while my family had their time. I voiced my concern that it wasn’t what we had agreed to and I didn’t think it was a good idea. His response was “well they might not even want to.” I’m not pleased that he made a decision without consulting me after we had already agreed on a plan. We also have a game room in the basement and I have a feeling the kids will want to be in there - it creates a lot of noise that we will be listening to as my family opens gifts. He has 2 grandchildren, as do I, and they’re close in age and enjoy each other’s company. But for the adults sake, we decided to separate the gift opening the way we did because our two sides don’t buy for each other and I don’t want the adults feeling like they have to share holidays now with people they don’t really know or particularly care to be around much. Am I wrong to be upset by this? This is a pattern of his - he makes decisions that affect me but doesn’t ask my input. And it always involves his daughter who makes very poor decisions. He’s a terrible enabler and knows it but won’t do anything to change the pattern of behavior because of his fear that she will get mad and keep the grandchildren away from him.
The other thing is I’m afraid after the gift exchange is over they’ll feel free to come back up, not allowing us uninterrupted time like they’re getting earlier and also park her butt on the sofa and overstay her welcome as is her typical behavior.
Well, if it's a pattern, then
Well, if it's a pattern, then I can see how it would frustrate you. But if everyone is eating together, aren't they already spending the holiday together? I'm not clear on the point of the separate gift opening.
Only spending the meal part
Only spending the meal part together. To be clear, our adult children are polar opposites. I don’t want them thinking they will always be subject to spending all parts of the holiday together. And hour and a half to eat was the least painful way for all parties. They don’t buy gifts for each other and I don’t want them to think they have to start.
I have the same circumstance
I have the same circumstance and my spouse is trying to make us include his child in our celebration lest feelings be hurt!!!! Said adult child does not celebrate Christmas, never buys anyone a present, and has made his unhappiness known to all whenever he is around for Christmas! I am sorry that you have one of those type husbands too! They cannot accept that reality that people have valid reasons for wanting to keep things separate!
My adult children can buy
My adult children can buy presents for whomever they want and it is no concern of mine. If they decided in the future they wanted to buy for the step siblings, that's great. I would be under so much stress trying to manage all this for them.
Oh my gosh yes I understand!
Oh my gosh yes I understand! My husband pulled the same nonsense on me! They refuse to acknowledge that their precious children have made others so uncomfortable in the past that people do not wish to be around them. Plus it feels awkward not giving a present particularly where children are involved. My spouse refuses to tell his adult child that my adult child has been planning to come tomorrow and Tuesday, and I shared this fact with my spouse months ago and before his son arrived. We only have space for one guest and his child has been here for a week already. So now his great idea is to book his child a local hotel for sleeping and have him spend the rest of the time with us. Mind you his child has made every Christmas hell with door slamming and snide remarks. He does not even celebrate the holiday as he is of another faith, but god forbid he not be included. Everyone else should be uncomfortable so his child is not! I have come to loathe holidays as a remarried person. I feel your pain. Maybe you can go elsewhere. I know it is not fair as you had a plan that your spouse broke, but being in the exact same circumstance I am inclined to go elsewhere just so a pleasant time can be enjoyed. I am sorry that you have this nonsense! It is not right!
I personally would not be
I personally would not be doing so much to keep things separate. How much additional stress is that causing? A lot, I bet. I grew up going to celebrations and saw other people opening presents where I received nothing. It was a teaching moment for me; I have my family and other people have theirs. I also spent holidays with my cousins who were raised in a different faith. We had a great time and it all worked out.
I would not do a thing to separate anyone. You're supposed to be having fun. If people can't behave or start behaving disrespectfully, they are shown the door.
That's what I was thinking,
That's what I was thinking, seems like such a headache! Family members can give each other gifts while others watch, OR, since you don't really want them all together, why not have his kids come over Christmas Eve and yours Christmas day, or vice versa.
I agree. I've been to
I agree. I've been to numerous family Xmases, both his and it has never been a problem when one side of the family only buys for theirs . Everyone buys for their own and nobody worries about it. Really. The way you are going about staging things makes it look very shady ... so stop that right now! Invite everyone and enjoy their company. Not everyone is a bean counter
So happy I bolted...
If being with a guy with kids means worrying about noises from a game room disrupting gift opening (which is usually a lively event and shouldn't require silence from a lower level of the home), then I'm happy I only spent a short time with a guy with a kid.
Honestly, if this is about a bigger issue of him not including you on other truly important decisions, then that's understandable and you should address it; however, this sounds like very petty stuff to get worked up about.
I guess I’m trying too hard
I guess I’m trying too hard to keep things the status quo for my family and his family. We’ve only been married a few years and it seemed weird to both of us to expect the two families to automatically merge as adults. And I think I do get worked up about the petty stuff because he does this so routinely. My family doesn’t cause any disruption to his life but his causes major disruptions on a regular basis. He complains about it but never does anything to make it any better.
The other thing is I don’t enjoy SD and the dynamic of her husband and kids together. She makes everyone uncomfortable with bad behavior and she and her husband together are about as mature as a 14 year old. So why should I subject my family to that?
We wont do this again. It will be separate days. This did not work. Since they didn’t leave, they wandered upstairs interrupting what was supposed to be my family’s time. My family was not here at all during his family’s time earlier. They’re just too different to expect it to be okay. I’m sure it bothers me more than anyone because of all the garbage that had happened in the past. I just wish DH could understand that. I would NEVER ask him to tolerate what I’ve been expected to tolerate in the past. And continuing.
Informing instead of asking
The shuffling of relatives like that will never work. It's like celebrating the holiday on a conveyor belt. You probably won't try to combine times or days with relatives again. BUT --- the thing you mentioned in your initial post, and seemed to bother you more than anything was the fact that your DH doesn't ask for your input or discuss things with you, HE decides (dictates) how things are going to be and it seems like he expects you to fall in line like everyone else. You are NOT everyone else - you are his wife. 'Inform' your DH that there will be no unilateral decisions in the future, and his cooperation from you will depend on mutual respect and communication. Stand firm, you'll be glad you did.
Absolutely we don’t tell them
Absolutely we don’t tell them who they can have and when. They do live in the apartment in the winter months. The way the evening plans changed and it was presented to me is what I had an issue with. The entire original scenario of the night was the brainchild of DH. My family was fine with it. And I had no clue his felt any different. Until it changed just hours before the event. It all sounded good on paper...DH is hiding in his study now and hasn’t said a word to me about the fact that, as I predicted, it did not work as he had thought it would. I just am so frustrated. I think I have covered all contingencies in a blended marriage and then I’m slapped with the realization that I really had no clue. Reality is a bitch.
Correct sandye21. I’m sick of
Correct sandye21. I’m sick of being expected to just go along to get along. And the conveyer belt analogy is spot on. I seriously want to throw up now thinking how blithely I went along with his “great idea.” I WANT to love his family and have a relationship with them but he keeps throwing me into situations that are so ridiculously awful and then basically take the attitude of “love them anyway” because they’re part of the package. Dear god. Can he at least put a little sugar on it?
Expectations
Starlight, I went through something similar for years - and a lot of it was my fault for not putting my foot down. When SD and her Husband visited, it was just 'understood' that I would clean the house, prepare the guest room, cook the meals, clean up after them, take care of their animals, and kiss their butts for a crumb of approval. And - get this - I owned the home and was the main bread-winner. DH and I also paid for everything including vacations, meals, etc., and they never contributed anything. For this, I was treated like dog doo while DH looked like the 'big man'. But when MY family would visit DH made no effort to help prepare for them. He would hide out in another room, watching TV or reading, not making any effort to interact with them, emerging from the 'cave' only to eat.
It seems with us 'pleasers' that it takes something REALLY bad to shock us to our senses. After SD's meltdown all of the things that seemed to be 'unequal' started to stand out. I knew I could no longer live in a situation where I was bending over backwards to satisfy DH's expectations and yet he was doing nothing to satisfy mine. I went to a therapist by myself and she helped me gain the confidence to take action to gain mutual respect. This might help you too.
We are in a different age where most women work to contribute equally to joint finances and help to maintain the home. Yet we are still in the 'dark ages' as far as equal expectations for Husband and Wife. Like my DH, yours sounds like he is in the 'old world' where he dictates and you do the work, or in the 'new world' when it is financial, whichever is to his advantage at the time. There are ways to bring him into the modern age but you have to start setting boundaries and sticking to them. A counselor can help you with this.
Thank you, Sandye21. Your
Thank you, Sandye21. Your situation sounds very similar to mine. They’re always say thank you for all i do but their behavior gets no better. I do bend over backwards for DH and I feel that it’s not reciprocated. I’m expected to just keep bending because it’s the way he wants it. My wishes and desires are not heard.
I am seeing my counselor regularly again. And I’m getting the courage up to set those boundaries. DH wants to be around his grandchildren and I understand that and want him to be but he will have to find a way to do it that’s respectful of me, too. He’s very old fashioned but fair minded about everything else except anything to do with his DD. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement!
We have one large family Christmas party
and people (including my ex in-laws and niece and nephew from my prior marriage) can either show up or fuck off. We do have Christmas Eve dinner with my in-laws but that is a separate thing. The party is a big family and friends event open house with Santa (my FIL) included. We do one large dinner on the same night. If people choose not to come then that is too bad.
There is absolutely no reason to have staggered times. They are all adults and can exchange gifts with whomever they bought gifts for.