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Birthdays

Dreamer2019's picture

I have been married for 15 years, I have two step daughters that I have known since they were 8 and 10 years old, They’re adults and I always have to deal with them not being considerate of other people’s feelings, My husbands birthday is coming up and I know what to always expect, it’s one thing they don’t do anything for my bday but to screw their dad over isn’t right because he’s there for them and close to them, Last year my one step daughter decided to take a last min vacation on Father’s Day and my husbands bday is the next day after Father’s Day so she screwed him over on both occasions, She didn’t even try to make it up to him after the fact. This year is my husbands 50th bday and I do not want them screwing him over again, but if I say anything, I’m the bitch. My husband doesn’t like to call them out when they’re rude and just wants to sweep it under the rug but I can see he gets hurt by it. I don’t know how to handle it. I hate how inconsiderate they’re and when it’s their bday, we go all out. I don’t understand why they’re so selfish.

Winterglow's picture

Be proactive - side-step the whole situation by whisking him away somewhere for his birthday weekend. Plan the whole thing so there's no down time. Make it a birthday to remember for him! And to heck with the spawn!

ishouldrun's picture

My SS has used the "your present is in the mail" for every birthday, Father's Day and Christmas for the past 3 years.  He only comes around his father when he wants something.  I would throw your DH a party, invite the Skids as well as family and friends.  If they come, fine; if they don't, fine as well.  Make sure you tell your DH that you invited them.  At some point these men need to take off the blinders and acknowledge what they raised.  I know BM's have a lot to do with it and with my DH he has a very unpredictible work schedule that makes normal parenting time impossible BUT you CANNOT reward bad behavior.  You don't reward a dog for pooping in th house why do you reward your son with expensive items for not coming around you?  That's not a father/son relationship - you are buying him!  13 months and counting!

Kes's picture

Your post could have been written by me - 5 yrs ago, my SDs ignored their Dad's 50th birthday completely, as they'd had an argument with him.  If they do ever get him something for a b'day or Father's Day - he usually gets it about 6 weeks after the event.  I thought the whole point was to mark the day, actually.  

Like yours, my husband tries to make out he doesn't mind and it's no big deal, but I know different.  I stopped getting them anything on birthdays or Xmas after the way they treated him on his 50th.  I just ignore them now.  

Siemprematahari's picture

They’re adults and I always have to deal with them not being considerate of other people’s feelings

You don't have to "deal" with anything. You do it because you choose to, they are adults after all. Save yourself the aggravation and don't do it to yourself.

This year is my husbands 50th bday and I do not want them screwing him over again

You can't control how they treat their father. This is their doing and if your H is not speaking up for himself there isn't much you can do. I'd do like a poster above suggested and plan something of your own and take him away to a wonderful short getaway and YOU show him what a wonder man he is. Don't feed into the madness of his inconsiderate daughters by reminding him of how sh!tty their behavior is. Take control and show your H he is loved.

 

 

Dovina's picture

Time to shine as THE WIFE. Plan a wonderful memorable 50th for him. To heck with what the ingrates don't do, that isnt your issue. If DH is hurt its up to him to deal with it or not. Obviously they have a history of treating daddee poorly, and if your DH hasnt voiced his dissapointment, thats on him. Likewise if he chases them like a hungry puppy for the crumbs that they do throw, again thats not your concern.

ESMOD's picture

Do not try to accept ownership for things that you cannot control.  His adult children's behavior is one of those things.

So, will your DH be disapointed if his kids flake out again?  probably.  What can you do about it?  Be supportive of him without dissing them is probably all you can do.  "you want to go away ourselves next weekend?' etc.. or "I'm sorry they couldn't be there".

If you do have any kind of relationship with the kids.. you could always message them.

"Hey, just wanted to know if you guys had any plans for your dad for his birthday or father's day.  I'm trying to plan a few things but don't want to double book him."  That reminds them of the occasions and gives them the chance to tell you if they are planning something.

If they aren't planning anything.. you suggest to your DH you guys go do something yourselves.

notarelative's picture

We married when the kids (his two and my two) were young adults. We've been married twenty years. In all that time, only once has one skid ever given their dad a present for his birthday. That year it happened because it was a significant birthday and I invited that skid and her husband to go to dinner with us. (I paid for everyone's dinner) Most years he gets a call or a card from that skid. Other skid, a few calls over the years (nothing in the last ten or so), no cards or gifts in the time that I have known him. 

If you want to do something, do it. If you want to invite the skids, do so. If you don't want to invite them, don't. You can't plan your life around people who rarely show up.

My DH has learned to expect nothing from his kids. 

 

SM12's picture

to make sure they calibrate your DHs Birthday is Father’s Day, however, I understand you want his day to be special.   I would plan dinner and invite the spawn over explaining it is for both holidays.   

My SSs never get my DH a gift or card for any occasion.  In the 8 years we have been together they maybe sent him a short text but that was hit and miss.  I never planned any events or invited them over because they were so rude and hard to be around.  My BS, however, has always gotten my DH (his stepdad) a card and gift.  He has always been the only one to do it.   

You cant control their behavior.  Just plan dinner and if they don’t come, leave it and never do it again