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Is this excessive?

Starlightwest's picture

Some of y’all know my DH has blinders on in regards to his 34 yo daughter and treats her differently. So he gets up this morning and sees where he’s missed 2 calls from her. She left no message, nor did she send a text or call or text me like she usually does if she can’t get dear old dad. He calls her two numbers six times. And he’s still obsessing over it and will until he talks to her. I mean, isn’t the logical conclusion that it wasn’t important and if it was she’d have left a message? He does not behave that way with anyone else, even me. 

I know this is a small thing but it’s indicative of the larger problem to my way of thinking. Someone asked in a post recently if we would do this again knowing what we know now and this issue in our marriage makes me really think about it...

hereiam's picture

Grown men, obsessed with their grown daughters. So weird.

If it was important or an emergency, she would have a) left a message b) called/texted you.

sunshinex's picture

I don't know... Anytime I call my mom, she worries instantly and thinks something is wrong. If I don't text or leave a message, she calls me back as soon as she sees it in a panic. Just a couple weeks ago, I called and she didn't answer, then an hour later, I had a message asking if I'm ok because she saw something on the news in my city about a woman and a baby in an SUV getting in an accident. Some parents worry more than others. 

Starlightwest's picture

I would agree if he behaved that way with his son or parents or whoever but it’s only with her. He is reasonable and rational about everyone and everything else until she has anything to do with anything. 

sammigirl's picture

I loved my Father as much as my SD57  loves DH.  I had two SM's.  I never acted, nor would I feel comfortable living as a mini wife.  I never showed anything but respect for my SM's.    

I have never witnessed a sicker mental intimacy then my DH and SD57.   The weird thing, over 60 years she has caused her Dad's thinking to be directed to her only.   We have been married 39 years, DH and BM were married 23 years, my SD57  has never been civil since she learned to talk.  The stories I have been told, by DH and SD57,  over and over, proves where the problem is, the two of them.

Not my problem, their's.

I read post after post here about this mini wife syndrome.   As soon as I realized it wasn't just me, I disengaged from the love triangle.

All I have to say, thank God for you here on Stalk.

Merry Christmas.

Starlightwest's picture

 

I’m trying to do that, sammiegirl. Disengage from their narcissistic behavior. Because that’s what it is, I believe. She’s a narcissist - encouraged by her late mother by all accounts - and DH doesn’t seem to want to understand that. Because she has his two grandchildren, she’s got him by the balls. My SD can be civil when she chooses but snaps in a millisecond when things don’t go her way and unleashes holy hell on whoever she thinks is responsible. Makes everyone walk on eggshells around her. My daughter had a couple of classes with her in high school and said people were afraid of her so she avoided her. 

The phone finally rang and as expected, it was nothing. I see my future in what you describe, sammiegirl. If we stay together. He’s a good man otherwise. I will continue to voice my opinion as  needed and otherwise disengage. Not my monkeys, not my circus. But when it affects me, I’ll say my piece. Maybe one day the lightbulb will go on.

abd yes - thank god for Steptalk!

Merry's picture

Acting only when something affects you is exactly what I do, and it has saved (most of) my sanity. SD calls, and DH panics. But he does that with SS and me too. He goes from jovial DH to panic stricken in 3 seconds.

It took a long time, and a lot of tears, to get him to understand how I felt when he would leave me to take a call from a skid. "But they're my kids, something might be wrong and they might NEED me." He needs to be needed so badly, it borders on pathology. If there were an emergency, we live 800 miles away from them so couldn't do anything anyway. He can't understand how I can let a call from my own kids go to vm. Because my own kids exhaust me now and then too, and, hey, DH, I'd rather enjoy dinner with you. I can call back later.

Now, when skids call while we're on a date or having dinner, etc. he texts them back to say he's busy and are they ok. That is still an irritation to me, but if he doesn't do that it's impossible for him to think of anything else because he's sure they're bleeding out somewhere. It's a compromise I'm willing to make for HIM. And we go on.

This behavior is bizarre to me. But we see it time and time again here on STalk, and that's been a comfort to me. We're in a rather singular type of club that none of us really wants to be in.

Healyourslf's picture

Old patterns/behaviors are difficult to break especially if DH is not even conscious he's doing it.  Liken it to Pavlov's dogs...."ring the bell, salivate" without an iota of higher thinking.  Yes, it's normal for parents to be concerned, but again...if it was an emergency, a message would have been left.

My SD24 is passive-aggressive so when DH did not immediately answer the call or text, she would pull the "unavailable or silent treatment" right back at him and say something like, "oh...I didn't see your call/message."  Games meant for pubescent angst. It blows my mind that normally sane adults will regress like this.

A while ago, as I was preparing food for DH's extended family, I cut my finger badly at the same time DH's phone rang. DH saw the blood (sharp knife), but also saw it was SD. I would say a deep laceration should evoke concern, but he HAD TO answer the call.  Back then, DH's brain would instantly change to the SD dopamine-drip frequency...all other channels would be blocked.  As I was stopping the bleeding, I pantomimed "can you cut this" (we were already running late) and he blurted back impatiently..."I'm on the phone with SD!" She was calling to "check" on the family gathering that she did not show up to.  Go figure.  That was the pinnacle moment for me. 

I was silent about these behaviors until then hoping that SD would actually start leaving DH alone at some point. She incessantly called at the worst and most inappropriate times to maintain "control and priority position" over DH.  The more he  jumped to respond, the more she would call/text.  After the knife incident, I pointed out her obtrusive behavior every time it happened (almost daily). I'm snarky so I would comment, "maybe she's bleeding and needs help; confirm we're in the midst of hot monkey sex; are you sure you took a  s*** this morning?"  I'd rather make fun than get upset.  This got DH thinking about his behavior and SD's need to control. He figured it out. The salivating stopped. 

Starlightwest's picture

E

Starlightwest's picture

If she’s not calling here 3-4 times a day, he’s calling her. If he ever interrupted hot monkey sex for a call that would be the end of that. Next time the urge hit, I’d be like “sorry honey - you better stay available in case the phone rings!”

sandye21's picture

Fortunately, I haven't had to deal with this from SD and DH.  Mostly because he is technologically challenged so he doen't have a smart phone.  Also, I think he is being punished somewhat because he decided to stay married to me.  But I have to tell you, 3-4 times a day for mundane B.S. is too much for most people.  It would get on my nerves after the 3rd call.  If this was me, I'd make up a friend whom I called 4 times a day and see how he likes it.  I bet he wouldn't.

Starlightwest's picture

Mine uses his smartphone - to text DD and tell her to call him! Just now he was taking a nap but the phone rang (yep, her) and he pops up to answer. So ridiculous. He’s obsessed. He thinks he’s going to singlehandedly fix their miserable life and chart the new path for his grandchildren’s behavior. Sorry, honey, but unless they live with us, the second they’re back with the two village idiots they will revert back to their old behaviors. I might just try the call suggestions!