Living SO Close to Adult SD and SS
How would you feel if you lived basically right next door to your adult SD and SS? Here’s the situation. My DH and I have been together almost 3 years; married for 1 1/2. I moved into my DH home that he has lived at for 30 years, because he wouldn’t move. All of his family lives fairly close by and mine are all out of state. It seemed logical, fair and comfortable. My DH has two children. SS is 31, and SD 29 is 29. Both grew up in our now together home. My SS has never lived anywhere else, except here. He actually moved into a small trailer on our property about 5 years ago and now has permission by DH to build a large cabin to live in as long as he wishes...... And has never had to pay rent or for any utilities. Sometimes he has borrowed money from DH, but it is unlikely he will get it back. SS has not ever worked a job longer than one year.... and is currently unemployed again. My SD was married 2 1/2 years ago, and they now have an infant and a toddler. They lived about 30 miles from us until about 3 months ago. They also now live in a small trailer on our property while they are preparing to purchase some of our property next door, then will move next door once their home is built. Until their house is complete the SD has a key and comes and goes as she pleases in our home.... play with kids or do laundry, baths, etc. I care for both SS and SD, but when I moved here I did not know that SS’s living situation would be basically permanent or until he wants to leave. Nor did I know that the SD would be living next door or sharing our home temporarily. Honestly.... It seemed like a blessing..... and in many ways I truly do feel that. However, sometimes I am really not liking this close situation and how we are always “around” them. I feel it’s way too easy for SS and SD to ask DH for help and to rely on us to watch the grandkids or pet, etc. But it’s also too easy for SD to go hang out with SS or SD anytime..... even when I had wanted to do something with my DH. Or..... Sometimes we feel obligated to invite them over.... for special occasions, like New Year’s Eve or just to have dinner sometimes..... and I usually end up cooking and cleaning! I really enjoy spending time with them, but this seems quite excessive..... even though I know the SD’s situation will change some once the house is built. I am trying my best to appreciate this and be patient too. But.... they will also be next door anyway..... nice to have the SGrandKids there..... But with that will come visits by BM I am positive! Not looking forward to that either. I personally feel that having them so close all the time I can be really exhausting. And..... It’s not going to change. Not sure how to handle this ......
I really have no advice
I really have no advice because just like I would not do all of those functions with BM, neither would I live like you are describing.
Does your husband have absolutely no respect for you as his wife that he doesn't think you deserve ANY privacy in your own home? Or does he even consider it your home?
Between this and your other post, I would feel like an "add on", not a wife. He's not making a family with you, he's just adding you to the mix, continuing on as he pleases, and expecting you to go along, with no regard to your feelings or what you want.
The two things that might irk
The two things that might irk me most about this situation are.
1. the mooch factor as in the adults taking money and using resources/land and not paying your DH for it.
2. The likelihood that BM would end up in close proximity to me.
We actually are getting ready to move next door to my DH's parents. His brother and wife live in a little mother inlaw apt behind his parent's home and we will be living in my DH's grandparent's home (that he will be inheriting and has been "his to use" since before I met him). So.. we do frequently pop in on my inlaws.. when we are down. his mom frequently fixes us meals etc.. knowing we are there and will be coming over to have a drink with them. then again, we also frequently bring them treats like the 3 dozen clams and 2 dozen jumbo crabs like we did the other day... so we aren't necessarily mooching without payment. Plus, we pay the bills for the house..we cover the electric, insurance and property taxes. But.. yeah.. it's a close knit situation
In order for this to work.. it does help to have boundaries.. expectations that people might call or knock before coming over/in. With regards to the EX.. I guess you will have to accept that if these kids have their own "homes".. even close by.. that you will see her car in the drive on occasion.. but under no circumstances should their mom be in YOUR home.
Honestly, it sounds like your DH is a bit of a pushover.. but from your post.. you don't seem to be overly opposed to them being close by and even see some logic and benefit to some of it. Hopefully the worst issue.. BM will resolve itself and she won't want to come THERE any more than you don't want her there..lol
The SS has been living in
The SS has been living in that trailer five years. You've been in and out of the main house and actually lived full time there for the last year and a half.
Your DH told you he ( husband ) is not moving from this property. You knew that upfront. How long the back yard hermit was going to stay out back would have been a first discussion for me.
And in the last year and a half how often has BM showed up? If you Pl re just now worrying about the idea , my guess is not many..
Is the land long owned family property ( inheritance to DH) or just land perhaps DH and BM invested in.
I'm not unsympathetic towards you, your situation , besides setting some mutually agreed boundaries with the skids and a nice eight foot fence hiding off (giving visibility privacy (grow a huge clematis up and then train it across top), you can't drag a man off his mountain , so to say, if he refuses to go.
Make a list of your main concerns (grandkids, BM, taking advantage of free utilities , dropping in without calling and asking, expecting Dad to come and 'help' blah blah whatever in things that actually affects you directory and intrudes on yourand DH's relationship/ couple time.
I have actually lived in our
I have actually lived in our home for 2 years, married only 1 1/2. The SS grew up in our house, but yes, moved into the trailer about 5 years ago. He’s never lived away from his father’s home. My DH purchased the property himself and built his own home. He paid his ex-wife half of everything they owned including home, property, personal assets, business; and also paid child support as well as alimony for two additional years after they divorced. Before I resigned from my work (instructor) and moved in with DH we actually did discuss his son, and the plan was originally to help him learn to live independently while supporting him more emotionally and even financially if necessary. I suggested we even have him seek counseling to figure out what he wanted to do with his life, for work, and possibly set some goals and we could help him with those..... whatever HIS goals were! I even said I would contribute to financially to help put him through school or a training program or whatever he wanted. But we had agreed originally that this was the plan and we would work together towards that. As months went by (and we married and we now lived together, the goal had not changed, except that he was having some behavioral issues. DH made some decisions at that time that I did not personally agree was the best decision, but yet I tried to support him with his decisions for his son thinking he knew best. As time continued to pass..... I began to see that things were not improving with SS and DH seemed resistant to expect his son to set goals and allowed him to build a cabin hoping that would improve his son’s life. The BM is not involved much in SS’s life and would never accept him living with her. They don’t really have much to do with each other. The BM is highly involved in SD’s life and the grandkids. She only lives a couple of miles away and is usually around the area. She does not come over to our home, although she WAS honking every time she drove by..... which I found very annoying and finally asked her to stop! We assumed it was because her son lived on our property, but I also feel she did it to annoy us and did not stop even after I asked her to politely.... she finally stopped when my DH told SD how bothersome it was, so I was pleased about that. When the SD does move next door it will not be very visible because of evergreen trees, so privacy is not the issue. It is more that our grandkids will be over there and likely she will often be there off and on..... and my concern is how much more interaction by mere proximity could occur. It’s something I am not too pleased about, but have accepted and DH has made it clear they will not have anything to do with each other if she’s there...... But, I think it’s a possibility that SHE doesn’t care about boundaries and will try to break them, or even possibly move into a mother-in-law apartment there someday down the road. Blah! That is when I leave. Moving just isn’t an option for us...... Yes, he cares about my feelings, but his home has been his life for 30’years and I personally could never even ask that of him. I just never anticipated the SD would be living next door either..... That happened out of the blue then wanting to purchase the property. It wasn’t a problem for me at all..... really until I knew they were also building the mother-in-law apartment! Yikes! By then, it was too late! Yes.... making a list is good..... We just may need a third person with us to help negotiate through understanding and compromising to work on resolving those concerns and setting expectations we can both agree to live with.... like a counselor? I will keep trying on my own, but he becomes very defensive with both his adult children.
Sorry but I think you got
Sorry but I think you got played. He knew damn well that his son wasn't going anywhere. Not sure that I believe the daughter building a home next door was "out of the blue", either.
When the SD does move next door it will not be very visible because of evergreen trees, so privacy is not the issue
The privacy I'm talking about, is your SD coming into your home whenever she pleases and believe me, that will continue to happen, and the grandkids, too, after their home is done. Whether you can see each other's homes is irrelevant.
I don't think this whole situation is going to end well. I hope, for your sake, that I'm wrong.