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Feeling Frustrated

BeautifulBird's picture

(Sorry..... this is a very long post.).  I have been with DH for 3 years now.  I moved and quit my job to be with him and so we could begin our life together.  He was divorced for almost 10 years, and has two adult children. A son who is 32 and a daughter who is 30.  At the time we met, I knew his son lived on his property, and would probably be living here for a few years until he got his own place.  His daughter was living on her own nearby.  Since we first met, the daughter is now married and has two beautiful baby boys who know me as grandma; and I feel blessed about that, as I never had children of my own.  My husband decided to buy 5 acres right next door and then offered to sell it (below market) to his daughter and son in law).  So they are buying it, but moved onto our property into a trailer while they save money and wait to get the house built.  My contractor husband has already done a lot of work and spent many, many hours for free over on the property to get it ready for inspections, and for laying the foundation.  He's also loaned them many thousands of dollars (about $40,000 so far) so that they can somehow manage to get a loan to pay for it all (which they haven't been able to yet).  They have been here for about a year and are getting closer, but still are waiting for a loan.  In the meantime, DH feels obligated to do whatever he can and use a lot of his time to do work to get the house completed for them.  I can understand his desire to help them, but it has really taken a huge amount of our time as a newer couple.  I am trying very hard not to be selfish or expect too much from him.... but he will literally work all day and go over and work until dark.... and continues this day in and day out.  When I ask to do anything.... he pretty much is too busy.  But if his daughter asks us to do things..... he suddenly has time.  For example..... When I asked about going camping this year, he said he wouldn't have time.  But.... His daughter made reservations for a camping trip with everyone and he suddenly can't wait for everyone to go.  We didn't even celebrate our 2 year anniversary in May because he was too busy.  I would have forgone the camping trip, but he wanted to do that.  I feel that whatever SD wants.... he goes out of his way to do or make happen.  She has a key to our house and although is very respectful, she comes in when she needs something or to do laundry, etc.  SD and I have had a couple of issues in the past (mostly related to her mother).... and I am having a hard time getting past some of the hateful things that she said to me.  We don't really have anything in common, and in my opinion she is, and always has been spoiled.  She can be very nice, but I feel she only tries because she knows her father and I love each other.  She never asks me to do anything with her (we've never done anything together separately), except she will ask me to babysit.  Sometimes I really don't want to..... When she works, she works 24 hour shifts, so I have to take care of them overnight.  I love our grandsons, but I don't love the 12-24 hour babysitting shifts.  I will help when I can, but because I am off..... I feel guilty if I say no..... and DH likes it when I babysit.  Our relationship just feels strained some and I just don't really connect with her at all, even though I have tried.  Now.... there is also my adult step son.  He has never lived on his own. He is 32!  Last year, DH told him he could build a cabin on our property..... so he has been working on it.  Now..... why would he ever have to move out on his own or learn any responsibility???  He also is bipolar and DH and I have gone around and around with him.  DH always lets him do whatever he wants and helps him out financially and all ways. Step son also has difficulty with relationships of any kinds, especially working relationships..... so DH gives him work too!  So he is not only living for free here with us, but he also gets work from his father...... If he is handed everything.... how will he ever learn to live independently?  Stepson is often moody, often has a bad attitude, and can be very rude to both of us and others.  He seems ungrateful and just sorta seems to expect things.  He can be very friendly and fun to be around for short periods of time..... But, essentially..... he was told he can stay here for as long as he wants.  (I just found this out last year, after we were married.). So.... both of DH adult children will be living close around us.  Sometimes that seems very nice.... but..... I feel it is really impacting OUR life as a couple, because he is always walking over and vice-versa.  I never expected this and have tried to discuss this issue, but for him.... he thinks it's wonderful to have everyone right here under our noses (or right next door).  And to have true grandkids right here too.... which IS nice, but being here also makes it VERY convenient to do things for them or help or babysit.... regularly.  And it has drastically cut down on our personal life.... as if I am just a grandma now and am expected to do things for them when they want..... Right now, step son walked over at the last minute to have DH help him go pick up a truck he wanted.  DH worked all day (Saturday), and has now been gone for almost 2 more hours for his son.). It is now 8:30.  This kind of thing happens all the time.  Once in a while, I feel like the "odd man out," or in "last place," and while I know DH loves me very much..... he just doesn't see any problem with it.  I feel his kids / our grandkids steer our life...... and what we do. I want to keep our relationship strong and happy and feel we have a wonderful, healthy life as a couple, so we CAN also be there for the kids...... I just didn't know it would be like this.......  

BeautifulBird's picture

I do have a job.  I work full time as a teacher, but don't work in the summer.  I had to quit my previous job when I moved.  I stay very busy, have a lot of varied interests, enjoy time with family and friends..... but, would like to have time with my husband without the kids around all the time. 

SteppedOut's picture

I am very happy to hear you found a new position after moving. It seems like more and more that find this site do not have career/job and are effectively trapped. Never give up the ability to support yourself. 

BeautifulBird's picture

That has never been an issue for me, as I am highly educated and have a broad range of skills and have always worked and supported myself.  

SteppedOut's picture

That is great! I was reading another post yesterday, the situation was horrible. She was not working and didn't want to leave, in part because she was a sahm and didn't want to give that up (ugh!). Several others want to leave, but can't yet after moving to be with their husband and not having a job (either due to covid, being talked into not working or choosing to not work after moving). Your position is much stronger being employed.

BeautifulBird's picture

I can see how sad and hard it would be for someone who wanted to leave, but felt they couldn't.  Luckily, I've never been faced with that challenge.  I am not looking to leave at all.... but rather continuing to work out challenging issues  with my husband and his kids.... It gets tricky!

Kes's picture

I'm afraid I couldn't read your whole post as a solid huge block of text is too difficult without paragraph breaks. I read the first third of it and concluded that there is not much for you in this relationship, all you are getting is a few crumbs while the 30-somethings get the whole loaf.  Not acceptable in my book.  

SteppedOut's picture

This is exactly why I suggested having a job. Too many are convinced (or choose) to not work and leave themselves with few options when the situation turns out to be less than ideal. 

Winterglow's picture

Next time you're asked to babysit, tell her to ask her brother. It's not like he has much else to do.

BeautifulBird's picture

She will never ask her brother (and I wouldn't want her to either), since we would all worry about that supervision.  He enjoys the kids and plays with them though.  

beebeel's picture

Stop babysitting for her all together. She doesn't seem interested in an actual relationship with you. You are just someone she uses. 

And I would tell your husband he can either find time for you or you're outta there. But at this stage, I highly doubt anything will change between them. I would be feeling severely misled and betrayed.

BeautifulBird's picture

I feel very close to our grandsons, and don't mind watching them sometimes; as they are precious to me too.  I just feel that it is WAY to convenient to ask us to watch them (next door).  Sometimes for an hour or two.... sometimes for several hours.... and when SD works, it's either a 12 or 24 hour shift.  That is way more than I want to.... but often feel obligated to..... because we are here.  It's nice to have them close, but also frustrating at times.

Jojo4124's picture

That you have hobbies n family n friends. Invite ppl over n let hubby see you can have fun without him too. 

Instead of bbsitting I would say I have plans...then go shopping or to a coffee shop. Plan a camping trip or hotel getaway and still go even if hubby is too busy. You work hard as a teacher and deserve to have fun on your time off!!

 

BeautifulBird's picture

I have done that and DH is actually very supportive of that and happy to see me happy.  It's just hard to lie if I don't have plans.  It actually happened just TODAY!  This morning around 10:00, SD asked DH to ask me if we could watch the kids tonight from 5-7:30.  He comes in and asks me.... and because he knows we are both off..... I feel pressured and on the spot.  I told him.... how could I say no?  It wasn't an emergency, or for work.... it was to spend time with friends.  I love the grandkids.... but because we now had to watch the kids, we didn't get to enjoy OUR entire Sunday together and had to change some plans.  Plus.... She's always on time when she leaves and very late picking them up.  I had fun with the kids, and am always grateful for our time with them.... but it seems to happen a lot.  

Miss T's picture

... in this country, but apparently it's perfectlly fine to divorce one woman, marry another, and then expect the second to pull her weight (or more) in support of the first AND second households.

SMDH

ldvilen's picture

Love this comment, and it is so true!!  Yep, as far as SM "rights" are concerned, and I put the term 'rights' in quotes because most people don't think SMs have any, it might as well be the year 1820 vs. 2020.

GeorgiaF's picture

Excellent point.  I think second wives are sometimes slotted in to fill the shoes of 1st wife with same expectations.  
 

Your DH and his kids are treating you like you are the Bio mom and grandma - and have same level of love and affection as Bio mom would.  
 

I would figure out exactly how many hours of babysitting you are comfortable with and set firm limits.  Discuss w DH first then SD.  And why can't DH babysit and you go out with friends sometimes?   But I understand that having young kids around changes the dynamics of your couple time.  Marriage counseling would probably help to talk about your needs and expectations for your DH.  Good luck!!

Movingonisbest's picture

Original poster, what age range are you and your husband in? Presumably if his adult kids are in 30 age group you two are 50-60+.  You have no kids? No way in the world would I play mom to anyone's adult kids. I might do things for the sgks but that would be if I wanted to. DH and SD would have zero expectation for me to do anything. Did you two discuss this prior to marriage? With my ex I told him prior to our first date what I wanted in a potential partner he knew I wasn't playing mom to his adult kids or grandma to his grandkids. My adult kids weren't infringing on our life and I wasn't tolerating his adult kids doing it either. Despite telling him that up front he lied by omission by not letting me know none of his adult kids work enough to support themselves and were relied on him for financial support. Sometimes his adult kids would hound him for money that he would get angry. However, he still gave in but then would be irritable or try to pick arguments with me. No way was I having that. I outright told him those are not my adult kids, I have zero responsibility for them, and I reminded him that I told him that upfront. All of our kids are young adults and no reason they all shouldn't be living independently. My adult kids are independent, while none of his are. He had more adult kids than I do, and earned significantly less than me. No way in hell was I going to build a life with a man who earns significantly less than I do, yet sends what he does have out the door to enable his adult kids who were mostly lazy and disrespectful to name a few. He knew he wasn't what I wanted in a potential partner. Some of the people on this message board let me know he was likely grooming me to financially support sk and he thought that if I loved him so much or was so in love with him with him when this came to light that I would stay with him and accept the very thing I told him I wouldn't accept from the very beginning. Needless to say I broke up with him.