Do Step Grandmother’s Get Recognition on Mother’s Day?
Seriously.... this is a sincere question I have. Although, I'll be honest and say that I.... yes I feel that they should!
To me, Mother's Day is a day to celebrate all maternal figures, including mothers, stepmothers, grandmothers, step grandmothers and anyone else in a maternal role. (Such as an aunt or sibling helping to care and support a child.) They have acted as nurturing figures and have been a positive influence in a child's life. They all play significant roles in shaping children (young or older) and deserve recognition for that, as well as the bond they have developed. This recognition shows gratitude on this special day. It's important to show appreciation for ALL maternal figures on Mother’s Day and they deserve to be celebrated for their care, guidance, support and love that they provide. Making an effort to acknowledge all of the maternal figures in a child’s life can make them feel loved and appreciated.
I married DH 8 years ago, before there were any grandchildren. Now there are two beautiful little Grandboys ages 6 & 7. I have been a big part of their lives.... and often go way above and beyond to love and support them. I often babysit... and sometimes for overnights and even vacations. I often do very special things for them and create amazing experiences for them (I am a teacher.). I love to make things fun for them. My DH and I play with them ALL the time.... As a matter of fact, they live next door and visit us often. They have always known me as Grandma and call me that. I love them with my entire heart and always want them to be safe, health and happy!
With that being said... I don't have much of a relationship with their mother (SD). On the surface we are polite and do visit some whenever their family is over or are somewhere together. We don't socialize outside of the rare family occasions, activities or holidays. There was some tension in the past, but things seem "OK" now. Sadly, I don't believe we will ever be close, but I am truly close to our grandsons. My husband loves all the things I do and experiences I create for them too. He is extremely supportive with that.
However, I have never been recognized, especially on Mother's Day, nor on Grandparents Day. Nothing. I get quick thank yous when I agree to babysit.... but that's pretty much it. I've actually never even gotten a birthday card. I do get a gift at Christmas. And in all honesty, I'm not looking for gifts.... mostly just a little recognition; at least involving the boys. I am just overlooked, and they don't really help the boys remember me on any special occasions like my birthday or Mother's Day. Of course.... they absolutely DO recognize their Biological Grandmother; I believe because it is their mother's mother.
Since they were born, I have resigned myself to this "fate." I know how blessed I am to have them in my life.... and both grandsons love me. So, while it's not necessary; it still would be nice. I guess I feel a little less important; even though I have actually done more than their biological grandmother. Not diminishing what she does or their love for her, but I think a little recognition would make me somehow feel a little better.
If you feel used.. stop being
If you feel used.. stop being a doormat for his daughter. If you enjoy spending time with the children.. continue to do it for the love of that time you spend.
I do think that his daughter should be appreciative of the help you provide her. But, clearly she sees you as a useful tool.. not as a cherished family member.
In the end.. you aren't her mom.. nor are you her children's mother... could they be nice and throw you a crumb? perhaps.. but clearly their father.. your partner has not made his daughter realize that might be necessary.
Do they need to say happy mother's day to someone who is not a mother.. and while you provide caregiving.. and you may well love the kids.. you aren't a mother.. and they likely do have people in that role that aren't going to be happy to share that spotlight.. so maybe you just need to be a bit less available.
Or.. maybe you let your husband know that you are disappointed that his grandkids don't celebrate you on any days.. since you do so much for them.. clearly they are young.. they need leading.. mom may not be the one who will do it.. but your husband could certainly do it right?
You get it!
Mother's Day is a day to celebrate all maternal figures, including mothers, stepmothers, grandmothers, step grandmothers and anyone else in a maternal role.
I would add .... for those who earn it. There are those who have the title through only basic biological action on their own or someone's part and do not earn it behaviorally. Those, earn no recognition.
IMHO.
Those who do earn it, should recieve the recognition and earn the associated love by loving the person recognizing them on that day for what the "mother" brings to the life of the kid.
My SS has more "mothers" than you can shake a stick at. His mom is incredible. He had a couple of GGMs who earned his love. My mom is his GM. Period. Dot. My son loves my mom beyond measure. My mom is his sanctuary as is my dad.
My MIL, while she is our son's GM, is not a major presence in his life. As a GM she is rather standoffish. As she is as a mother. Not a bad person at all, must not a major presence in her own chidren's lives or her GKs lives. She does participate in her local kids' and GKs' lives but has never made an effort to contact oru son.
SpermGrandHag, nope. She was a manipulative control freak for the entirety of SS's years as a minor. There was a period where he was very defensive of her and took the stand that the only reason why his three younger half sibs by two other baby mamas had any suppor at all was due to the SpermGrandHag. As he progressed towards aging out from under the CO he started to gain clarity that she was the root cause of the entire shit show. By the time he was on the cusp of his mid 20s the complete realizaton of that shook him pretty hard. It took Spermidiot spawn #3 getting arrested for a gun violation at 16 then going to prison in #3's early 20s for clarity to fully set in.
Interestingly, once her facade collapsed she went into pouty woe is me mode. SS ultimately wrote her and the rest of them off. #2 still engages with the SpermGrandHag but is not the naive minion of the Hag that she used to be. #3 is still in prison. #4 is on an eternal cycle of couch surfing between the Hag, his BM, and the Spermidiot's as well as any other extended family that will host him intermittently. SS is approaching his mid 30s, #2 is late 20s, #3 is later mid 20s, and #4 is early mid 20s.
Sadly, just because someone is biologically a form of mother or father, does not mean they actually are those things in anyones life.
I celebrate and applaud all of the moms. The REAL ones. Who demostrate what that is in reality to the people they "mother".
Thanks to all of you amazing ladies for what you do.
I'm a fan.
I would not be the man that I am without my miracle mom and my incredible bride who makes me a dad.
Time for a heart to heart
Time for a heart to heart with DH. He is their grandpa and is the perfect person to get them engaged in celebrating the women in their lives. Is he handy? Crafty? Those boys are old enough to make gifts with him.
Im kind of old school and sentimental about my grandparents. I learned so much from them.
a plant or Pasta Necklace would be a joy
I feel EXACTLY the same way. You are not asking for too much. I am so sensitive about this!! I have 13 SGKs and we adore each other.
While the laughter and affection from the children is rewarding, a small sentiment would be incredibly appreciated. For Mother's Day I will sometimes get a text. My step family is all FB. They know that I am not. I like my invitations by at least text and not FB, not that they would gush on a post to me like they do their mother. I'm totally fine with that. I've gently told my husband that I'm hurt bc we {mostly me -- I'm not controlling but I'm the planner and instigator of fun} do so much for the families yet I don't get recognized. Like you, the children run into my arms and crawl all over me when they are little. The older ones have cell phones. The little ones can't take it upon themselves to reach out. Wouldn't a card, especially hand made, be wonderful? Flowers picked from my own backyard woods? A rock with their name? When my kiddos were in school, they had art class and made gifts with pots, jars, etc. Us old people remember wearing that classic pasta necklace. It just seems that they forget about me when it comes to respect. I would be honored to be invited to Grandparents Day at school. They know that I would take off of work and be there in a heartbeat. They know that I don't intrude or think that I would ever expect to be as close as there maternal GM. Yet they expect me to help and give. [All were adults when we met. We've never lived together]
For Father's Day, my DH receives phone calls. My kids have had BBQs for him and always give him a meaningful gift.
I'm sincerely, like you, wishing my step family would show me that I'm special to them on occasion. $$ would have no matter in it.
Hang in there my friend. This is a tough one.