Latest regarding divorce
Yesterday when Husband could not get into the business account he got suspicious. (I had to change the PW last week and forgot to tell him) when he panicked he went to my closet and found my stuff gone. He called last night and I admitted everything. Of course my excuses seemed trivial to him. He could not believe that I could leave such a WONDERFUL man like him over a few little lies about his "crazy' daughter.
#1 your daughter may be crazy but she is not your basic harmless nut job. This woman is EVIL and toxic and you, my man, are a puppet to her.
#2 Lack of trust in a marriage is a serious problem.
No matter how many times I had to bring back the subject to his lying about hiring her and blaming his operations officer, his reply?,,,, "Well then go ahead a file the papers!"
He truly DOES NOT believe that those lies are a big deal! It is all ME,, my fault, I simply don't want to be married. I have issues, I cant this or that....My fault, MY FAULT blah blah as usual!
It was hard during the conversation not to believe him. I thought...yes it now does seem trivial after waiting for 4 months to do anything about it! I was not leaving mad afterall...I was leaving demoralized and disheartened and there was no getting through to him... He is perfect.
He said, I will call her right now and tell her I never want to see her again, she is on her own... Well how does this fix everything? She will dump him and it will be on MY conscience forever! NO I said, that wont fix this. Then he goes on to blame HER! "She ruined my marriage!" No, I said, SHE did not ruin your marriage YOU did that!
He said how WE decided the new owners would handle it, I said No WE did not decide that, and I went on to tell him how little I thought of him for passing the buck to the owners for a problem HE should have handled and again he goes into his defeatist mode with "well then lets just end this thing"
So that is where we are. I know he was up until 2. Probably talking with anyone who will listen. That is his MO, he will call to talk to whoever will give him the feedback he wants to hear. Anyway, that is the latest. He is up now and at his desk and seems totally fine. Maybe the calm before the storm. Sure wish he found out on a Monday when his mind will be occupied with work but there I go again...always worrying about HIM!
He is gaslighting you. Next
He is gaslighting you. Next he will try to hoover you back in. He is not ready to quit and likely does not believe you will actually follow through. He will continue to convince himself you are bluffing.
Be prepared because once he is slapped in the face with the reality that you are really leaving him. You will see a level of anger and rage like you have never seen before. Expect him to enlist SD and anyone else he can to form an army against you.
Stay strong, don't allow him power over you by allowing him into your head. Maintain strong boundaries, grey rock him and anyone else you have to. Let your lawyer worry about anything he tries to pull and focus on your future.
Exactly. Go full speed ahead
Exactly. Go full speed ahead not turning back.
He sounds like a complete
He sounds like a complete narcissist. You did the right thing.
Girl, go NO CONTACT from this point forward!
Cheering for you!!! SNAP...empty closet! <<<high five>>>*yahoo**yahoo*
My two cents as I was in the thick of very similar this time last year. Any type of future conversations between you two should be through your lawyers, it's safer having the lawyers do it, they don't do emotions and stick to the facts so you won't be manipulated back to him or made to look crazy to a judge.
He will work HARD to hoover you back if you speak with him on the phone. Mine did the SAME thing and sent emails and left voicemails '"just checking on you to see if you're ok, I miss you..." and carefully worded texts professing his love for me "my heart is breaking, you're my wife, let's work this out....," and "let's be friends...on your terms, whatever you like..." and "my girls love everything you do for me and for them..." <<< his standard line, well rehearsed like a true Narc.
Oh my goodness....they are so predictible. They will word things to look like the 'nice guy' in case a judge looks at the text or email exchanges between the two of you. Award winning narratives from guys who don't communicate so well in person! Please remind yourself that whatever is in writing from you could be viewed by a judge too. Just try to avoid any type of future communication with him because you know he won't change and he won't see things from your perspective. It's great that you had your say!!
Some of the things that fellow ST's advised me that still sticks....and I'll graciously pass along. Please be kind to yourself. Do not blame yourself for looking for the good and hoping things would get better. Live your best life.
All of the above!
He has starting the hoovering texts. He wrote one yesterday. We are going to have SD train someone in the new company, that will take a month (uh im sorry...a month???) ding...charge new owners 2500 for 1 or 2 hours of instruction. THEN we are going to pay her 2 MORE months while she looks for another job!! OH>>>THIS IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE EVERYTHING OK??? WOW dude! THANK YOU! Not that it freaking matters whos pocket 7500 comes out of, but who is stupid enough to think this moron of a human is worth that kind of money???? ALL she did was proof read his newsletter once a week, make small edits and send it out!!!
This is how he is though...for whatever his kids ever did he makes it sound like a mounumental task that ONLY THEY could do! I heard him in the nanny cam say..."Yes, she is mad because I NEED my daughter" YOU NEED your daughter??? FOR WHAT exactly??? And how am I leaving because you NEED your daughter? Is it work you need her for? Seriously? We have a more than capable COO that could find capable help! Do you NEED her for emotional reasons?? I mean help me here...why do you NEED your daughter??? and SIL just agrees with everything rather than challenging him in anyway!
Yep you are right they are SO predictable! And before I even read your post I was thinking...really, the bottomline is that my husband wants SIL to see him as the good guy and my SIL doesnt even get what he is doing!
Does he seem remorseful? NO,, he wants to be right!
Does he seem sad that his wife just left him? NO.. hes indignant and defensive!
The underlying message was ...SHE is crazy...SHE is making too much of something. WELL boys...SHE is gone! So put that in your pipe! NOW WHAT?
Ok...he is a wonderful guy and so what does that make me? Evil? crazy? well then he is better off without me isnt he?
I'll be the 'bad guy' if it means having my freedom from abuse..
It'll be interesting to watch his mood fluctuations with every message he sends or leaves on on voicemails. If I replied to the exNarcH, I would reply 'ok' or 'thanks' or 'no' or 'yes' as appropriate.
Were you able to get the important things out of the house before you left? Important like passport, birth certificates, your favorite bras (haha!) those types of things. A favorite bra is hard to find! Treat yourself to a Victorias Secret visit sometime soon.
Do something nice for yourself every day...it's very important right now to develop a new habit of positive things such as kundalini yoga, meditation, exercise and unplugging from the phone.
Stay focused! Who cares what he says or what others' think? They have different relationships with him and haven't been pushed off to the side for those two and their sick relationship. She can have him all to herself now!
Hugs
latest texts...hoovering begins...
Last night...Goodnight sweetheart...I love you!
This morning ..... I am a man who likes the best things in life. I found the best woman ever and I will not give up the fight. Best date spot? **** Grill (my favorite place) where everyone knows your name and how you like your drink! You my friend, are the BEST!
I havent answered in over 24 hours. I feel horrible ignoring him. I really don't know what to do next. I have contacted my lawyer to file on Monday. I don't think we can do it that soon as I need to fill out papers but I just feel like between this and my son in law, HE is winning the optics war and I am going to look like a bitch to them!
He did the sales pitch yesterday. He is SOOO good at it! I know my SIL swallowed it whole! He is a "man of god" he is a "good man" he only wanted to make me happy and this was such a MINOR thing! If its so minor than this would mean that I am either crazy or evil...so how then am I the "BEST"?????
Yeah, like the rest of us
Yeah, like the rest of us like the medium things in life, or the mediocre. I, personally, aspire to average, but will accept slightly below.
Loo, if you fall for this,
Loo, if you fall for this, you will 100% regret it. You're coming here to hear voices of reason. Listen and follow, please.
Looloo, you are very
Looloo, you are very emotional and that is understandable. However, you are still letting him play mind games with you. Stop, stop, stop.
Wtf? If he likes the best things in life, then why hasn't he liked figuring out how to be the best DH in life? Better yet, why didn't he try to raise his DD to be the best in life?
Stop spying on him and stop reading his text messages. You already know his text messages have no substance behind them. Just mere bs.
Why would you feel horrible ignoring him if you really plan on divorcing him? Divorce means the two of you will be living separate lives and really have no reason to talk ever again.
The bottom line is either you plan on divorcing him like you said or you don't. Why care about what others think about your decision? The only thing that matters is that you made the right decision for you.
This ^^^^ exactly...
more lies and gaslighting! Stay away...NO CONTACT...it will save you.
He clearly doesn't care about your feelings, why should you care about his? He cares only about himself and that witch of a daughter. He won't sing you the praises now...sounds like he hasn't in a while if ever. He misses what you do for him...
I think divorce can be filed rather quickly, an injunction can be filed in one day, contact the local sheriff or police department for resources on leaving an abusive relationship, I called to check on getting a stand-by and was connected to a nice lady who had a bunch of helpful info for me.
Don't feel bad for ignoring
Don't feel bad for ignoring him. After all, he's been doing that to you for years! Let the bugger stew!
Don't feel bad for ignoring
Don't feel bad for ignoring him. After all, he's been doing that to you for years! Let the bugger stew!
The hoovering begins....
He hasnt really been non-stop like I would think but it has been consistent. Its all about how beautiful I am and you will love this one..."I love having you on my arm and showing you off" Okayyyyy I see...its all about how I make YOU look! "I am going to buy you a jumpsuit and you will rock it" blah blah...you are right ZERO substance! It is quite astonishing really!
So when he could not get me to respond he texts my daughter he is worried about me but "Tell me, am I just wasting my time trying to get her back?"
I dont know...Are you WASTING your time apologizing for your horrible behavior and all the lying and accusations?? oh that is right, you havent done that! Is he wasting his time trying to recover a great woman and a 20 year marriage...he expects my daughter to answer that??/ I don't even know how to take that text..."wasting my time"
Oh...we would not want to do that would we??? Im sure you have better things to do with your time and better people to text and a match.com profile to update!
Then his last text this morning..."if you file for divorce I am going to contest it with all I have, I will never give up the fight"
I have yet to reply to any of his crap and I have a call into my lawyer to file.
Loo, he will fight, but not
Loo, he will fight, but not to get you back. He doesn't want you, I'm sorry to say. Girl, his response is exactly who he is. Full speed ahead for you!
OMG! Now he is sucking your
OMG! Now he is sucking your daughter into his black hole of characterless lying sneaky crap.
smh
He is cycling. Not unusual from the unstable side of a divorce. My XW did the same thing.
1. "You can have it all. All I want is the money from the CD I cashed in when we closed on the house."
I agreed to her offer with the caveat that I would not demand any of the money her parents gave us when she graduated from Nursing school (80K). The next day I had a cashier's check cut to reimburse her for the CD, closed all of our joint accounts, moved all of the money to a different bank.
2. "My mom and my coworkers think that you are taking advantage of me." (My XMIL turned out to be a convicted federal felon for embezzling millions from her employer), and her coworkers were the night shift Neo Natal ICU squad who were all divorced. Every single one of them.
Ummm... I agreed to the distribution of assets that you stipulated. If you want to monkey around with the agreement that you proposed then every penny and item will go in the pot, we will go to court, every sordid detail of this marriage will become public record, and the Judge can divide it.... including the $80K your parents gave us when you graduated from Nursing School after I wrote every paper you were assigned for 4 years (never got less than a B BTW). Which I told you up front that I did not want. If you want to play games, let's play. Keeping in mind that your family will know it all. Every...... sordid....... little...... fact.
3. "You have a new truck (that was 4 years old at the time). I have the same car that I had when we married. You should buy me a new car."
Umm, when we got married I had 4 cars. Now I have one. So you owe me three. Instead of me buying you a car, you can buy me 2 and I will forgive the third one you owe me.
4. "Hi, I am pregnant. What should I do? You know me better than anyone. I looooove you soooooo much."
Umm, not mine! Unless this is the second iteration fo the immaculate conception. We have not been intimate in more than 9mos.
5. "You know, after the divorce is final and you go to Dallas for school, you can stay with me when you are in town for your business. We can even sleep together. If you use a condom."
Ummm, I have been married to you. WTF makes you think I would want to date you? You would not have sex with me when I was your husband. Why would you want to cheat on your baby daddy with me once we are divorce? Oh, never mind. Cheating is who you are. I get it. But, I would not touch you with someone else's special purpose.
Put on your uninterested but happy hat and let him cycle.
Enjoy the ride! Let your attorney deal with the grind.
Take care of you. Enjoy your new life adventure.
"I love having you on my arm
"I love having you on my arm and showing you off"
"I am going to buy you a jumpsuit and you will rock it"
What are you, an ornament? A cufflink? A trophy? Red flags waving all over the place here. Gross. Good riddance.
^^^ those comments serve a purpose for him...
and not describe her intrinsic traits that he should be smart enough to profess his love...like a healthy man would say.
Ugh, he's a pig
Do NOT buy any of his bullsh*t
Looloo, you've come so far, keep going!!!! I'm glad you're out and that the wheels are in motion. Things may get a bit worse before this is over, but YOU CAN DO IT! He will never change, so don't even think about giving in to him on anything! Others may be persuaded by his bullsh*t, or join his army temporarily, but anyone sane will see what's what when the dust settles. Trust yourself, and trust your attorney. Do NOT trust him or his people (whoever they are). Nobody knows what truly goes on behind closed doors, so the opinion of SIL or other friends and relatives really don't matter. The thing that matters is you, and you getting out of this unhealthy marriage and moving toward a brighter future.
I hope you can stop all contact and start focusing on yourself. Every text read, story heard, detail noted by you is just another waste of your mental and emotional energy on these people.
Thank you all
For all the wonderful and thoughtful replies! They really do help so much! I guess right now, we are still waiting for the money to hit the account and then I call the lawyer to file. Honestly I am just glad the texts are cordial and kind! I am grateful for every text I read that is nice and not vicious like I know they will be eventually once the papers are received. I guess right now I am just testing his temperature and making sure he is still not doing anything underhanded. It is really amazing how little thought he even puts into these texts although I am surprised he said he would change on quite a few of my pet peaves that I have never mentioned out loud! I dare not have ever nagged him because he is so thin skinned so I put up with a lot of his sloppiness and inconsideration and low and behold, he must have realized it on his own as now he is promising to change. Go figure!
I hope H can't screw with
I hope H can't screw with that deposit coming in. Your lawyer knows you've left and just waiting on the deposit to come through? Are you transferring your half of the money into your own account that H doesn't have access to?
Once its done I would block H completely. Texts and such from H just keep your emotions on that rollercoaster and you know its all crap.
And block SD if you haven't already. My exOSD tried to contact me after i left. Hearing her on a voicemail kinda threw me into a tailspin.
Your SIL has chosen sides and while not nice or fair, is what it is. You can still have a relationship with DD just minimize contact with her H.
Take care of yourself. Hang in there Loo!!
Get your emotions out of the
Get your emotions out of the way. He knows you and he plays you through your emotions of decency and caring.
Stay on plan, focus on the plan, work the plan, adjust accordingly.
He is following his usual deflect, appeal, re-direct sequence of actions. He knows you and knows how to work you. Your path forward plan was built to help mitigate his usual sequence of actions. Follow the plan.
Keep the accounts locked, do not discuss things with him going forward. Forward him to your attorney.
Shuffle his vmails, emails, and texts to an archive to reference during the divorce and for the foreseeable future. I kept all of the nuggets collected during my divorce from my serially adulterous XW for a solid 5 years post divorce. Good thing too. I needed them about 4 years post divorce when the topic of our marital home came up and we had to work out how that was to be dealt with.
Money is there
The money is in the account. He texted today and said he would be willing to split evenly and would not fight me. I have the text. I told the attorney to file tomorrow. I hope he wont go beast on me but I fully expect he will.
Be careful. Very, very careful.
Stay locked, loaded, and wary.
I went through the tidal swells from my XW long ago during my divorce. She initially was perfectly reasonable, then... she woke up and went evil on me. Ultimately her original reasonable position is where the Judge ruled. But only after a very interesting fencing match of back and forth and tit for tat.
Congrats on the successful sale of your business.
the lawyers can handle the conversations from here out...
please protect yourself so these tailspins will slow down. A year ago my anxiety was through the roof! Thank goodness for my medications that I had to take for a few months. What a mind F...stay strong, allow yourself to feel angry (don't act on it) and use that fire in your gut to keep you laser focused and to hold your ground like supergirl with your hands on your hips...you mean business this time!
You got this!