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dolly1's picture

I'll be a little vague on the details of this in case it's outing.  

Step queen has always been extremely entitled and bullying,  hits the roof if anyone tries to say no to her,  withheld contact with DH for years when he tried to put his foot down aged 14 over online safeguarding, she has always demanded preferential treatment over her brother "because I'm older" and is just throughouly unpleasant to everyone if she's not the centre of attention.  

Last year she publicly hanged me on social media.  Without going into the detail of it too much it went semi viral,  she refused to remove it and as a result I had personal threats from a bunch of equally dissilusioned kids who she gave my details to.  DH completely hit the roof,  we changed the locks on the house and it's taken months for DH to evne want to speak with her again.  

Now with christmas coming the flying monkeys are out in force and we're being told how much she's missing out on stuff.  When I say stuff,  I mean family time with her brother,  events with friends,  parties etc.  It's not that she wants to resolve things with me,  she just wants everyone to forget about it and move on.  I've been told that she's really upset but not at the loss of her relationship- with me,  it's just FOMO that's pissing her off.

I swore to my husband that I will never get in a room with her ever again.  he totally understands this and backs me up on it.  My view is that she made a very clear choice the day that she did what she did and I also have a choice to not get involved ever again.  She can have a relationship with my husband and that's absolutely essential,  but I'm out now.  

There are various enablers in her life who are totally ignorant to the fact that as a step mum i was voluntarily in her life in the first place and now there's digs about how I'm not helping to resolve family politics.  I think that all of the crew that never even asked me at the time if I was ok have no right now to disregard my feelings on the matter.  I just need a few people in the same situation to level me up a bit and say you'd do the same in my position?  i.e. ignore and move on.  

 

 

 

 

Renewed's picture

WOW, this is like reading about my family of origin! Details are different but the attitudes are exactly the same. My older sister (by a whopping 18 months) has spent our entire 50+ years making sure I know SHE is the older one, I'm not welcome among her friends, etc. Sorry to say, without someone snapping this girl out of it, this is where she's going to end up with her brother.

Similar to the crossing a very serious line and then everyone expecting me to just forget it and move on. Blaming me for causing family rifts because I refused to be their target anymore.

My feeling is that we should always be willing to reconcile IF they change, apologize, and truly amend their ways. We are not obligated to 'be a happy family' with someone who is continually abusive and in this case, it sounds like she actively endangered you. Is she aware that by putting out your home address she also endangered her own father?

I'm guessing from the behavior and your use of the term flying monkeys, that there is a narcissist or alcoholic involved? My experience for the last 15 or more years with my family is that there is NO reasoning with them. It's clown world. They'll tell you black is white with a straight face and call you crazy if you point out that the night sky is BLACK, not white. They will not change unless something really shakes their foundation.

I think staying away from this girl is about the only thing you can do--especially if she's doing things like putting stuff about you all over the internet. She's an active threat. And when forced to speak to other family members, just keep repeating the same line, calmly: She actively threatened our well-being. She can't be in the house.

dolly1's picture

I think the brother thing is just another example of her way or the highway,  everything is on her terms with everyone,  it's just a bit more brutal with her brother.  fortunately he's older now and happier to tell her to jump off a bridge when she throws her weight in his direction now.  

thanks for taking the time to respond and you're right,  threatened our wellbeing,  safety, home and reputation.  I can't get over that in a hurry

Winterglow's picture

" I had personal threats from a bunch of equally dissilusioned kids who she gave my details to"

Does she realize that she's gotten off light? If you had decided to go after the other kids who made you threats, she could have been charged with them.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

According to Dolly's older post the "kid" is about 21 so very much an adult.

dolly1's picture

if she had been 14 we would have had an easier time forgiving but this was very much an adult decision

ESMOD's picture

If someone publicly posted something that caused the drama that she did?  I would also set boundaries about her being in my home.  The only way it might be allowed if there was a full falling on the sword apology from her and acknowledgment that she was wrong to air issues in a public forum with identifying information. 

I mean, I get it.. kids get mad (rightfully or not).. and may vent on social media.. My parents are jerks etc... but it sounds like this went a lot further and it wasn't just a post.. but included sharing personal details so that others could target you. that is overly not cool.. and I'm guessing this girl is old enough to understand how dangerous it is to do that.

With no apology or reconcilliation attempt towards you.. no promises of better treatment to you?  She is not welcome in the home.  This isn't just a kid who yells at someone in a fit of anger... this was targeted.. public and went beyond a moment of loss of control.  

She is old enough to learn that actions do have consequences.. and her attack with no remorse is not going to be swept aside so she can waltz back in

CajunMom's picture

Could not have said it better.

dolly1's picture

I'm pretty sure she gave out details to the most venomous people who tried to muscle in,  that's the part that makes me trust her less and less after all of this.  I mean giving out my details to peopple who threaten to hurt me publicly really does seem a bit sinister to me.  

I said to DH at the time that she'd have to crawl over broken glass to apoloigse and truly understand what she's apologising for in order to fix this,  that's years away.  But to think that I'll be shamed into forgiveness?  hell no.  and I'm really disappointed with other family members who aren't sending that message to her to be honest.  she's not even tried to make contact directly but the assumption is that HRH can just waltz back in and all over me because she's saying she's upset.  

Welcome to adulting miss step queen 

CajunMom's picture

and in your case, a face-to-face apology. I'd be a tough ass and she'd be making a new "post" to go viral about what an ass she was and how she lied. SMH

These kids/adults who think they can do absolute horrible crap to people and then just act like nothing happened disgust me. That's exactly how DHs kids are. 

After that DANGEROUS act of hers, she'd be crawling back into my life on MY terms. DH's youngest daughter accused me of emotional abuse; that accusation could have cost me my ability to work in the school system and jeopardize my volunteer work. She's been clearly told...never come around me again without public apology. 

Stand firm. She can boo-hoo all she wants. That's her consequences for her shitastic behavior. 

ESMOD's picture

One of the new trends with social media seems to be kids doing things for "clout".. even "adults" (look up tooturnttony (sp?) for a great example of trashy behavior posts.

So, kids will post some exagerated tale of woe that they underwent.. some TRAUMA with a capital T for likes.. for sympathy for attention.  

I have even seen some of the stepparent bashing videos on TT and while the subject could be true?  it could also be just plain made up for "likes".. It's just difficult to sometimes not know what is real and what is a set up when you view some of the posts.  

And.. there are bad step situations.. on both sides of the table.  There ARE some situations that are made even more difficult by stepparent behaviors.  There are stepparents that marginalize.. pick on.. try to push out their stepkids from their partner's lives.  It DOES happen.. so there will always be a set of people that will believe the lie because they look at it through the lens of their own experience.  But, as we know here.. there are problems caused by the kids.. by BM.. by our partners too.  not just the skids.

She crossed a line.  Without understanding that?  She will continue to miss out I guess.

 

dolly1's picture

ah,  Narctok as we call it - and the platform ignores complaints to have content like this removed

 

dolly1's picture

we've left this situation with no place to argue now.  I've backed away and now it will just never be the same, not welcome in our home,  and I'm not going to be around her.  Everyone else is still getting on with life with her in it.  just not me.  It's tricky but not impossible to manage

TheAccidentalSM's picture

She has to deal with adult consequences for her bad beheviour.  She got you threatened so you are well within your rights to cut her out of your life.

CajunMom's picture

At her age, she's lucky OP didn't file charges or a restraining order. I would have. I don't play with crap like this. DHs daughter that said I emotionaly abused her was put on notice by her dad...."she has the email where you falsely accused her; if you do it again, she's getting an attorney." Shut that shit show down real quick. SMH

SeeYouNever's picture

No one has any right to force two people to repair a damaged relationship, regardless of how you're related.

If this was reversed and you were trying to fix things with her she would have people in her ear saying to ignore you. Why is it different when it's this direction?

I absolutely cannot stand the type of people who do really mess up things and then expect everybody else to get over it and pretend it never happened. This is an entitled attitude that comes from people who live their life never facing any consequences for their actions. It's time to grow the hell up!

caninelover's picture

You are being completely reasonable and setting boundaries to protect you.  Any family members that don't get it should be told to mind their own business.

It's good that DH is backing you up.

dolly1's picture

and I'm really lucky that DH always has,  that's part of what got us to here,  when she was acting up in the past few years he did the stand up guy thing and told her to stop being rude and entitled.  Then all of a sudden I was the problem.  She still would have been a dick if I hadn't come along nearly a decade ago.  

He's heartbroken by it all but his principles are in the right place and I'm very grateful for that.  He also recognises that if he caved now and gave her anything she wanted it would be a different demand in a few months,  that's just her.  bowing down and taking it won't help anybody

ESMOD's picture

You know... while he may be heartbroken over the rift... he can love his daughter and still explain that while he is sad that she is hurting.. the fact is that she orchestrated this situation with the post and the aftermath fallout and she can't expect everyone to forgive and forget.. that she was an adult and it was incredibly poor decision making to post drama publicly and invite a dangerous situation into his and his wife's home.

He can tell her if she wants back "in"  that it will require some soul searching and real apologies and work to build a basic civil relationship with his wife.. because right now.. she doesn't have much incentive to forgive you DD.

sandye21's picture

Sorry to tell you, but your SD sounds like a narcissist who will go to any lengths to triangulate and alienate you from others.  There is absolutely nothing you can do to change this situation.  The only way I would accepted her apology is if she agreed to go to therapy.  But we all know narcissists will not go do this.  Consider yourself very lucky that you have DH's support, also that you will probably not have to deal with her again.  Eventually you will appreciate the 'distance' SD created, and will get used to not having her in your life.  I would, however, let her know that you are still considering suing her for defamation of character, and if she mentions you at all again it will definitely happen.

 

PetSpoiler's picture

She should consider herself lucky that you didn't take legal action against her.  As for the flying monkeys, they need to be told to fly on home and mind their own business.  

 

CLove's picture

Sounds like the twin sister to your StepQueen wanna-be-Queen. She always competes for all attention, is very entitled, is a total bully, and she goes into complete rage mode (from what Ive heard Im currently no contact and havent lived with her for a blissful 4 years) Shes twisted reality into whatever shape serves her. She calls Husband "sperm donor who chose Clove over his own CHIIIIIILD" and blames me for "taking him away from her".

Forget about the fact that she ghosted us after graduating high school, has not tried at all to create a relationship with her father and any time hes offered to take her out, to dinner or lunch or whatever, she is never available.

All this because I will not live with her again, and because when Husband is asked if she can move in with us again, she is told "well you will have to follow rules and you would have the same issues with us that you have with your mother, so you should make it work with her, and youll have to make things work with Clove" you know all the obvious stuff.

No one can really live happily with Feral Forger Joysuck, shes so rude and lazy and dirty. Like gross dirty. She crashes on a couch we gave her mother at toxic Trolls BMs apartment.

dolly1's picture

we had this "I was here before her,  I'm more important!" that was a corker.  Seriously love,  you've been told to stop breaking covid regs he's not told you you're a second class citizen.  

We've had the rage,  I've witnessed it and I nearly expected her head to spin.  I was genuinely shocked the first time I saw it.  And she is so santimonious when she speaks about EVERYONE.  Which is fine but she isnt the sharpest tool in the box and if she goes the way of her mother her only achievement in life will be to have kids,  bleed a man dry and leave ALL Of the hard parenting to him.  

This one buys likes on instagram and photoshops the shit out of everything she uploads.  The truth is that I've sat and watched her pick scabs on her face and eat them.  the irony is that all her friends post those gushy comments like "you're the most beautiful person inside and out".  I'd love to correct them.     

CLove's picture

She has bad skin and cakes her makeup on. Bleaches and dyes her hair so it falls out. And then instagrams with filters. And posts bloddy pics of her piercings. Even her gum ones.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

My DH's older daughter is undiagnosed but has high narcissist traits. The family dysfunction provided exactly the right soil and conditions for her narcissism to grow unchecked from a young age. She too uses anger to control and intimidate others. 

You are INCREDIBLY lucky to have a DH willing to protect you and draw boundaries, but other family members will test those boundaries. My big, brave DH has always been weak and conflict avoidant where his family of origin is concerned, and failed to properly handle their full court press. They played a lot of relational aggression games to get us to accept OSD's abuse, including scapegoating me and trying to drive a wedge in our marriage. The result? We've been disengaged from all of them for several years.

OSD is in her forties, still a narc.The only change over the years was that she developed a slightly better social mask and became more covert. Sooo, dont expect any positive change from that direction. 

Look up Karpman's Drama Triangle. Learn to carefully position yourself as the victim, not the persecutor ("SD has caused a lot of pain and damage, but I hope things can improve when she matures, blah blah"). Keep a happy home, focus on your marriage, and be polite yet superficial with the inlaws.

Oh, and if SD does anything actionable to slander you or ruin your reputation, hire an attorney and nail her narc butt to the wall. Sometimes scorched earth is the best way to deal with a narcissist.

Rags's picture

While individuals in a family are important,  the family collective trumps the individual.  The group does not change for the individual.

For damned sure the two individuals in the adult relationship trump everyone else.

dolly1's picture

Absolutely.  The irony here is that she insists that she is the one who must be obeyed.  I've not met a single person yet who agrees with what she did but she is convinced I'm the stepmother from hell.  I wish she'd done that sooner because it would have saved me loads of effort 

MissTexas's picture

"I swore to my husband that I will never get in a room with her ever again.  he totally understands this and backs me up on it.  My view is that she made a very clear choice the day that she did what she did and I also have a choice to not get involved ever again.  She can have a relationship with my husband and that's absolutely essential,  but I'm out now. "

Beautifully stated.

Yes, when one chooses the action, they also choose the consequence. You cannot have one without the other. 

Congratulations! Your DH "gets it" AND you're officially disengaged from her!

Merry Christmas!

dolly1's picture

The biggest frustration I've always had is that she's never had any consequence in her life which is how this monster grew.  Dad tells you to stop being irresponsible and lording it up in our house? Mum pats you on the head and tells you not to listen to dad. Because that suits her agenda.

mum phones dad in the middle of the night when she's 16 and doesn't know where she is? Dad sits there in frustration because she disabled her phone tracking from her dad (because mum told her Dad's a control freak) and nobody has any answers but suddenly it's Dad's problem. 
 

roll this through every possible scenario and she thinks she's queen of the world aged 21. Now she's publicly flogged me with her full name and location against it so that everyone can see it and she literally waltzed off like that gif with the flames in the background. To be told now that "you just need to be the adult, get in a room with her and you both need to apologise" makes me want to stick pins in my eyes. 

No, she needs to own it. No family get together, no sympathy for the "oh but Dolly's house at Xmas is my kind of gig" and no sympathy for the "poor me but I won't acknowledge how much I've terrorised these people" 

happy Christmas to all of those who can disengage guilt free. I'm trailblazing on that one. And DH gets it. Totally gets it. It took a while for him but he's a very "human" guy. Even though I've cried more than smiled this year I love him more for his impartial support on this