I wonder why your father in law is organizing a mother's day event?

I mean, I understand your wish that everyone could get along for the sake of the kids.  I mean, that sounds like such a noble and selfless thing but in reality... it probably boils down to if BM and our partners got along so well to begin with that they probably wouldn't have broken up to begin with.  I also wish that the BM's in our lives would realize what we do for the benefit of THEIR children.  We don't have to be nice, tolerant or understanding... but we quite often take the higher road for the sake of family harmony.

Hopefully this is large enough of an event so that you don't really have to interact with her.  Unfortunately, it is also an event tailor made for her to play MOTY and show everyone what a marvelous person she is while you are ignored and pushed aside.

If your FIL wasn't dying, I think I might have politely turned down the invitation saying you didn't want to create an awkward situation for your SD.. but I can understand why you would go under these circumstances.

Make sure you get back to us and let us know how it went.  Take care.

But I'm a B, and would decline the invitation...even for a dying father-in-law.  You won't mend this fence on your own.  Your DH needs to get his ex in line (for a while!) before you try to play nicey-nicey. 

I've known ex-SO's mother since I was 15. She's been sick for a few years and could die any day now.  Even though ex-SO and I are on decent terms I won't go to her funeral because

1) his mom catered to the terrible BM and called her the "wonderful mother of my grandchildren" AFTER said wonderful mother sent her son to jail on false allegations - while I was dating him! 

and 2) ex-SO's poorly parented children who I haven't seen in 2 years and his brothers (who have shown where their loyalty lies) would be at the funeral. 

Yep, straight B here... death doesn't mean that I'll hang around awful people.  Too bad not sad.   

These BM's rarely change.  I hope yours shows her a** in the next month and makes you change your mind because right now you sound like you're buying into wishful thinking.

There have been a few BMs I have heard of that were somewhat disordered and became more reasonable and eventually had a reasonable relationship with the SM and DH.  But these stories are incredibly rare.  I think it largely depends on how toxic the BM was in the first place.  I don't know much about your BM.

You sound sweet, and it's obvious you are hoping for a miracle.  It's normal to crave peace and harmony with others.  Just be careful.  If BM is nice to you at the breakfast, great, it will make it easy to get through, maybe even enjoyable, and that would be a good day for everyone.  In that case, resist the urge to bond with her right away, and still be careful about trusting her until she maintains "nice" for a very long time.

If she's not nice, make sure you take care of yourself and don't sacrifice too much of yourself by overstaying.  Come up with a plan to quietly and politely excuse yourself early if you need to.  You are not required to endure BM's abuse for anyone.

Our BM is so toxic I wouldn't even give her a chance.  And if yours is super toxic, you don't have to either.

I hope she is nice, and granddad has a good day.  Let us know.

"SD and BM have gotten so bad that it would be easier to get a divorce and live in a one bedroom apartment with my 2 teenage kids "

And now you're contemplating going to a meal with this woman? I'm afraid I'd have to tell the FIL you're sorry, you think it's wonderful for him to invite you, but you're going to have to decline. Mother's Day should be SD's day with her mom, and you should spend it with YOUR children. I can't imagine having to sit at the same table with BM celebrating my DH making her a mother, and I don't think I'd do it for anyone. And no, I don't think you'd be being a "B" if you didn't go. It's an unreasonable request, and just because the FIL is terminal or whatever doesn't change the world or mean you have to subject yourself to an extremely uncomfortable, unpleasant situation with SD and BM on what should be a happy day for YOU with YOUR CHILDREN.

Not ok that he is using his illness to stick everyone in a room who doesnt get a long OR if everyone feels uncomfortable. 

Has he always been so manipulating?

I would ask him if you and dh can go the week before and have an afternoon light lunch catered in.ON my dime.....jmo

GoodLuck

It's interesting to read everyone's opinions of this awkward invitation. Polar opposites in some cases!

I think it's tacky or selfish or unkind or all three for anyone to invite an ex and current to the same event. If we are stabbed do we not bleed??? What normal human would enjoy that? Come on! Doesn't your FIL want you all to be comfortable and happy at this event?

Hey, though, good for you for going. I hope impending death makes everyone straighten up and be on their best behavior.

He probably wants to celebrate the women who have made  him a grandfather.  While having BM there is cringe worthy, I can see FIL's intent.  Or at least what I hope is his intent.

Good luck.  Just don't tolerate any of BM's crap if she plays those cards. Script a blanket response e.g.  "BM, this day is for MY FIL to have with his GKids and their moms. Keep your toxic crap under wraps and let's give FIL a good day with all of us."

Lather, rinse, repeat.