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I know it's early, but Christmas is five months away...

Sambolina1's picture

I'm newly disengaged. Have sd18 (I've actually been disengaged from her for several years) and sd21 (disengagement is still fresh and painful for me) and I'm already thinking about to handle Christmas. Youngest has enough sense to send thank you notes, at least, but the oldest, well, she won't acknowledge anything given. In the past this has been really painful for me! She will have two babies at Christmas, of course we have zero relationship with them. I really go back and forth. I'm thinking a small $25 gift certificate to American eagle for sd18 and gifts for the grands for the sd21. Btw, we live across the country from them so we wont be getting together or anything. so, answer me this! How do YOU handle holidays? And I aplogized for bringing this up in August, but I'm already planning my shopping!

twopines's picture

I used to purchase Christmas gifts for skids, but I disengaged a few years ago.

DH handles any and all gift giving actity for his kids and grandkid. I don't contribute ideas, money, or time shopping with DH. I think he sends skids a small check, and his grandkid a toy or book or something.

We live between 3000 and 4000 miles from them, so we don't get together, either.

whatamess's picture

DH handled all gifts last year with no participation on my part and he'll do the same this year. I don't think he signed my name to the card but I didn't and won't ask. I have been thinking about Christmas already too. I absolutely dread it!

oldone's picture

DH took SS28 shopping for his Christmas present after Christmas. He went to a discount store and spend about $150. I had absolutely nothing to do with it.

But SS thanked me profusely.

hismineandours's picture

Last year dh bought ss15 nothing for xmas or bday. SS was not speaking to him and told him he was no longer his dad. So,well, if I'm not your dad I'm not getting you a present.

i wouldnt get him anything as I cant stand him and would sooner stick needles in my eyes than spend my cash on him. IF dh wanted to get him something I would steer him to something that was not spendy but rather meaningful. A Bible, for instance. A year's worth of tutoring. A photo album with childhood pictures. A nice card and a long heartfelt letter. The AA Big Book. SS is very prone to trying to use dh so that's why the presents came to a halt this year. Dh has a tendency to want to guilt spend and buy him things but yet have no relationship with him.

Freshstart's picture

You have to love the dread those of us in these families feel coming up to holidays and Christmas. i like your plan to decide early and then get it out of the way mentally. Get your DH to do it I say! Let's face it no matter what we do, there is no gratefulness or acknowledgement. Maybe buy the little ones presents if you enjoy that but only if you get joy from that.

I will have SD18 here for 6 weeks of the Christmas holidays. Help!

Freshstart's picture

ps I get given soap or a candle. I think I might go on a soap/candle rotation or just get DH to do it. In the past I have given beautiful dresses, jewellery, books, a porcelain tea set I would have loved at that age etc etc. Most ended up at her BMs if she likes them or not touched or worn. Her friends made comments like "Wow you are so lucky, I wish I had a step mum. What a beautiful bracelet etc." From her, nothing.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Same situation with me.

I am done with SD23 and spending time on thoughtful gifts for her. Every holiday I racked my brain trying to figure out something I thought she would enjoy. (Of course my SO had very little input as he is clueless.) In each case, she would politely thank us for the gifts but we would rarely see her use or wear any of it.

Expensive jewelry, nice household items, good quality clothing, etc. Never see it. I firmly believe most of it winds up with BM, and is probably sold on Ebay.

Why waste my energy on that? So I think I will do some sort of candle, toiletry etc. as a token gift. I work too hard for my money to piss it up against the wall on someone who earns a very good living herself, and doesn't really care about gifts with thought in it.

She certainly doesn't expend much mental effort on anyone else. I typically get a bottle of bath wash and a gift card.

sandye21's picture

After disengaging DH took care of all gifts, calls, etc. to SD. I don't care what he writes on the card. SD rarely ever reciprocated with any gifts to us so there isn't any difference there. Actually it's kind of nice not to be bothered with it. I concentrate more on family and friends whom I love and know love me. When I wish them a Happy Holiday I really mean it. The joy of the holiday is purchasing gifts they will like and spending time celebrating with them. In my opinion that's what the season is all about anyway. On the other hand, SD 'inspired' me to stay away from toxic people. I don't have to pretend I like someone anymore or say, "Happy Holidays" when I don't mean it. That's a Christmas gift I give to myself. And Christmas is now - fun!

zerostepdrama's picture

Uuuugghhh such a sore spot for me.... last year was our first Xmas in our new house and I had all these visions and ideas and dreams and they were ruined by the skids and even FDH. We had to have counseling after that.

1 year I did something for the skids. They were truly apperciative of it. I made little gift baskets with perfumes and make up, girly stuff for the girls. FDH added his usual gift card. But that was the 1 and only year. After that the skids became brats and awful to me.

Last year I didnt do anything for them. I told FDH, you do for yours, I will do for mine.

I dont plan on doing anything for them this year either. And I am praying they dont come for Xmas either. Ugh.

Sambolina1's picture

It really has sapped the joy out of the holidays for me in the past. We aren't really acknowledged. Husband might get a merry Christmas text. Gifts aren't acknowledged. I've just recently come to the conclusion that whatever we do, it just isn't enough. If we give 100, it should have been two hundred. If it was two hundred, it should have three, ya know? And all the while we are dirtbags...he abandoned them for his new (16 year old) family. So I'd rather be a dirtbag with extra money to share with those who appreciate us then spend it on someone who won't acknowledge it! I think we will do small gift (25 or less) for sd1 and small toys for children of sd2 (which I've already purchased back in January during after Christmas sales!) and just understand we won't hear a peep in thanks. Which is their prerogative, I guess. At least I can come here to vent come january! This place helps keep me in perspective. I am most certainly not alone!

Had Enough77's picture

DH takes care of all of that. I dont contribute with ideas or money. I save that for my own son and neices/nephews who love me.

Had Enough77's picture

DH takes care of all of that. I dont contribute with ideas or money. I save that for my own son and neices/nephews who love me.

LadyG's picture

Christmas this year..I celebrate Yule and won't go to church even though I know most of the hymns sung.

My BIL is getting married for the 4th time and I really don't care to be with his new family and all I want to do is spend time with DH and MIL (yes, I said it). She finally said, "Screw budgets. We're going to spend what we're going to spend!!"

People are seeing the light now...it's about time...

Oh yeah. My BIL for the past 5 years has told everyone he can't get anyone anything for Christmas but goes on long hunting trips with his friends, goes fishing with expensive poles and gear and buys a lot of meat from the butcher.

He's a POS. Let's call a spade a spade...