Husband's 45 year old daughter insulting and disrespectful to me
My husband's 45 year old daughter said some extremely rude and insulting things to me and about me just before Christmas.
I told my husband that he needed to tell her that wasn't acceptable, which he did, but it didn't stop her. She continued private-messaging insulting things about me to him on Facebook.
Trying to be the bigger person, I told her that we should try to get along, for her father's sake. She said okay, but she didn't apologize for any of the things she had said.
Then I wasn't invited to the Christmas get-together at her house, and there were no Christmas gifts for me this year, even though there have been in the past. (It's not that I want a gift from her; it was just obvious that this year there were no gifts, and it was clear that I hadn't been invited.)
When I mentioned these things to dh, he told me, "Oh, she'd never do that. She's not like that."
Oh, yes, she IS like that, and she DID do that, but he can't see it.
I told dh this morning that I don't want her over here at my house, and I don't want any more interaction with her whatsoever.
If she had apologized for the things she had said, I would have gone on and tried to have a normal relationship with her, but it just bothers me a lot that she thinks she can talk to me and about me like she did and nobody will say anything about it.
Since my dh and I have been married, his daughter and I have never been each other's favorite people, but we at least managed to get along. After seeing her true colors, I just don't want to deal with her anymore, but I don't know if I can realistically tell dh I don't want her in my house.
Is there a better way to handle this?
No, she has no leverage over
No, she has no leverage over me. I think she thinks that she can treat me however she wants and I'll just let it go, but she is incorrect.
She was very sneaky with what she said because she first made rude remarks to me via private Facebook messaging, then she immediately deleted them before I could get screenshots to show dh, so she certainly knows what she's doing.
It was only after my husband told her (again, via Facebook private message) that he didn't want her talking to me like that, that she continued on insulting me to him.
He commented to her the first time only to placate me, but didn't really call her out strongly for her disrespect and insults.
'All you have to do is not
'All you have to do is not respond to her nor engage with her."
dtzy is so right there. And it drives them nuts as well. Do be prepared, though, when you do disengage, that she could get worse before she gets better. Regardless, YOU will feel and be a lot better by disengaging.
^^^THIS!!!^^^ Four years ago
^^^THIS!!!^^^ Four years ago I went through the same thing with SD and her husband. I put up with her rude, sadistic behavior for over 20 years, tried and tried to let things slide. It worsened with each year that went by. I honestly believe if boundaries had been set much sooner, the 'situation' would have not escalated to the point of banning SD from my home. You are lucky - at least your DH stood up for you. Mine didn't. I DID give him an ultimatum: He was to inform SD that she is to respect me as his wife in my own home or she would not be allowed to darken my doorstep. He has chosen not to do this. I agree with other posters that you can not 'make' someone do anything but as notasm wrote, I truly believe I have the right to be respected in my own home. Period. And the more time that passes, the stronger I feel about it.
DH can visit his daughter whenever he wants (except the day of a holiday), just not with me.
Your SD continued to be emotionally abusive to you even after your DH asked her not to. Block her from your Facebook account and allow her in your home only if she will be respectful of you.
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Yes, we were sitting at our
Yes, we were sitting at our computers and dh was telling me what she was private-messaging him on Facebook.
If I hadn't urged him to say something to her about her rudeness to me, I'm sure he wouldn't have because he hates making waves, hates confrontation, and especially hates to do anything to upset his daughter.
This whole thing started over a huge tv she bought for her father that is way too big for our small house. I have a thread on it around here somewhere.
Her claws came out, and she started telling dh that I "have problems", "am jealous of her", and a bunch of other stuff.
I had to laugh because, believe me, there is NOTHING about her that I'd be jealous of. She fancies herself to be a hardcore Harley biker chick, and proudly wears her hat that has "Bitch" outlined in sparkly silver studs.
Oh, well, like all of you have said, I don't have to invite her over to my house, and I won't anymore.
Hello OP - Boy does your
Hello OP - Boy does your situation sound familiar. First, why the heck is your husband allowing her to trash you, so to speak, on his facebook page? That is something he should stop ASAP.
Also, the heck about being BIG about it and getting along. I went through that from DH regarding my Twit (she is going to be 50 this year). The result was that I tried, I got hurt, insulted etc. and Twit didn't care what she did as DH use to back her.
Finally I had enough. The Heck with being big about it. One can only turn one's cheek so many times they both get black and blue. I wasn't getting any results with DH as he didn't see a problem, etc., I was being too sensitive. So, I threw him out and he had to go live with Twit--heck, he didn't even get the car, I kept that too.
I had wanted to go to counseling about the matter before this and he poo-pooed counseling, didn't need it, nothing wrong, I was too sensitive. Once I threw him out his attitude changed. He agreed to counseling and had his eyes opened wide. This and living with the Twit and experiencing her first hand also helped.
So far my story is getting, we are not there yet although he is back home, a happy ending. What has happened is that DH now realizes just what was going on and that it was not only unacceptable to me, but she was being mean to him as well and he was ignoring it because he didn't want to hurt her feelings, etc.
DISENGAGE - Have nothing to do with her or about her. If she calls let her father handle it. Gifts for birthdays, Christmas etc., don't bother for her....it is her father's problem. If he brings her up acknowledge what he says with a "umm" "that's nice" Don't go to her place even if she invites and don't invite her to your place. If Dh wants to see her let him go down to her place. Should she show up, time for you to do some shopping, go to the show, etc. And when your hubby says something about you taking off, tell him you don't like how she treats you and what she says to you and until she becomes civil at the least you see no reason to put up with it.
Is all this easy? Nope. Will things change immediately? Heck no, but once you start you will feel better because you have set your boundaries about what you will and will not accept in the relationship between his daughter and you. Heck, she just might come around, one never knows.
My Twit? She is never going to come around because she has some problems. I mean anyone that dances down my driveway bragging about how she is not normal and never has been...well that should tell you all.
Also, as I said, you will start to feel better about things and yourself. Good Luck, honey, and let us know how it goes.
This is what I've done with
This is what I've done with my skids. No longer allowed in our home. Only people who care for and respect us both, are welcome here. You don't have to have a disrespectful person in your home! Good for you!!
I know what you mean Juliann
I know what you mean Juliann - If you have seen my posts, my Twit would give me cheap resin plates, ashtrays etc. from the thrift store, garage sales and auction box lots. She knew what she was doing because she would always say, after it was opened by me, that "It is the thought that counts". One year she gave DH a sticky, used, B-B-Q set and after he opened it told him that when he was ready for a better one she would SELL him one from her pot and pan company for over $100!! Can you imagine! DH sucked it up on that one, as he has the others, but this year, since counseling etc. has actually admitted to both the counselor and Twit that he doesn't like how she has been treating him at holidays, father's day etc.
Right now we are probably having the calm before another Twit storm as she has been quiet....too quiet. Didn't invite her and her adult "babies", as she calls her grown-up boys for Christmas, didn't send a card, didn't call. Interesting, DH didn't either. She called him those days. If she hasn't gotten the message then she is extremely dense, but with her it doesn't matter. She is off=balance, so to speak and needs to be mean to people to get her fix and then play the victim afterwards.
And yes, Twit played the same game as your SD with telling DH she did something nice for me that never happened. The difference is that these days DH is starting to see her pattern....that she never follows through with anything she says she is going to do for either him or me.
Mine is, IMHO, nutz and a real problem. Even DH has finally admitted that she has problems....THAT was a real breakthrough.
Wow, how nervy of that woman
Wow, how nervy of that woman to give you used merchandise and junk for gifts!
My experience was more like Juliann's--during the first few years that we were married, dh's daughter and son would both give me a flower or plant or something for Mother's Day. His daughter would also give us a card and gift for our anniversary, and she'd give me a card and gift for my birthday, which is the day after our anniversary. (Dh's son has never been much of a gift giver; that's just how he is.)
We received anniversary cards and gifts for, at the most, about three years after we were married, then all of a sudden the gift giving stopped and there was no longer ANY remembrance of our special days, not even a phone call to dh to wish him a Happy Anniversary.
I've mentioned this to dh before, and all he says is that they "must have forgotten". My answer to that is that most people write family birthdays and anniversaries on their calendars so that they don't "forget". He just shrugs his shoulders.
My comment to dh has always been, gee, if my parents had gotten married, I would assume that they had an anniversary at some point during the year, and I'd find out when it was and mark it down.
His daughter isn't a stupid woman. She used to remember these special days, but then all of a sudden "forgot". I get the hidden message she's sending, loud and clear, even if dh thinks she's completely innocent.
You have no idea how evil
You have no idea how evil this one is. There was the time she invited us for Thanksgiving Dinner (last year) and then, before the dinner was even over, jumped up to go out shopping for cheap flash drives and a big screen tv at Wal-Mart for her drunkie son. Yep, I recall DH's shocked look as he was holding his fork with a piece of turkey on it! Off she went, no qualms, nor problem. Left her DH behind to make excuses for her. THIS was the beginning of the end with DH because he was pizzed that she did such a thing because she would always cry to him about wanting to be a "family"
Or the time she threw a B-B-Q for her one son that was home on leave before going to Afghanistan. Invited us and her hubby's family. THEN, the day of it, when people start showing up notified us that she was leaving - ta ta, she had a pot and pan party that came up and was leaving. After all, according to her, we weren't there to see her but to see her son so it shouldn't bother us. Once again her hubby was left picking up the pieces and being host. Needless to say, we all filtered out shortly and I am certain everyone there felt shocked and uncomfortable, including her hubby. You just don't treat people this way, it is rude and insulting; but she see's nothing wrong with it. Especially since she had a chance to make a buck selling pots and pans - we should all understand that according to her.
Juliann - DH has fall backs,
Juliann - DH has fall backs, that is normal. But he, through counseling and really seeing what goes on with Twit, is not as accepting of it as before.
She hit him to try to get us "go in" on an RV with them so she and her hubby could travel and take their dogs (we refuse to dog sit any more for them). I won't go into all the details on the various ways she tried to get my name on the dotted line for an RV, but I can tell you that I did see DH sitting on my DD's patio wiping away tears from his eyes after dealing with her. It is very hard for him to realize what she is, being her father. As I have said before - all hope springs eternal. I understand a lot of what he is dealing with, but it has to be done. She is crazy.
And once she even got physical with me. Did a hip swing at me and almost knocked me over...I have problems walking. When I called her on it she started crying to DH that, here is how she put it, claiming that no such thing happened because "she never made contact". I was making it up. You have to note how she said it....she never made contact. She never said that she didn't do a hip bump. It is very strange the way she talks about things she does - never direct, always veiled and cautious. One thing I know, after that I will never be alone with her nor will I ever be around her without DH being right there. She pulls and says all kinds of things when there are no witnesses...nasty, vile, strange things.
I took screen shots of the
I took screen shots of the nasty Facebook private messages she sent to me and kept them in case I ever need to prove how disrespectfully she talked to me. This way she won't ever be able to deny what she said.
I then unfriended her on Facebook. I don't care to see what she posts anymore.
She called looking for her father this morning, and had her fake little friendly voice on. I told her he was gone; she asked me to have him call her; I said I would, then I said bye and hung up. I wasn't rude, but I didn't figure I needed to act all "syrupy" with her either.
When dh came home, I reminded him that I don't want her over here when I'm home. He doesn't like it one little bit, but I just don't want to have to deal with her.
I also told him that from now on, I'm no longer going to be the one that buys birthday cards for her, reminds him of what day her birthday is, etc. If he can't remember himself, or doesn't take care of it himself, I guess she'll just not get a card.
At least I no longer have to pretend I like her, like I've done since dh and I have been married. That's kind of a relief.
"At least I no longer have to
"At least I no longer have to pretend I like her, like I've done since DH and I have been married. That's kind of a relief." Ya, I know the feeling! It's VERY liberating. Like a breath of fresh air. You'll be surprised how much of a positive difference this makes, living with the 'real' you.
Does SD call often? If so can you just let the call go to voice mail? That way you won't have to be bothered with her fake friendly voice. And good for you for informing DH you are no longer going to be his 'social secretary'. it's his responsibility anyway.
Quit worrying about telling
Quit worrying about telling him realistically that you do not want the Toxic Spawn in your home. Tell him literally. Daddy needs to man up and get his spawn in line.
45 and she is still doing
45 and she is still doing this stuff? Crazy!!!! I had a somewhat similar situation from my SS's wife who I had never met. They were expecting, I had been in touch by email asking when baby was due, I was told a month but no date. I asked if her mom was coming for the baby's birth and she was. I work, still have a child at home so I am busy with life, time passes and in the third week of the month I asked husband if he heard whether the baby had been born yet. He fwd me the email from his son, the baby had been born 10 days prior, husband had not said a word to me. I ask him why not and he tells me that he was hoping his son would contact me. What? Feeling bad I sit and write her a quick email congratulating her, I let her know that I just found out. She comes back and attacks me, called me a liar saying that there was no way my husband had not told me before now. She said I was a terrible person for not being there when the baby was born, said she wanted to have nothing more to do with me. I could not believe it. Several months pass and I am trying to be kind to this person who went off on me, trying to make a connection. We meet and she acts like she is my best friend, kisses me on the cheek. Whow, what in the world? So asked for help with little girl's birthday party. We lived about an hour away and I figured I could take off work to help with this party. I was just getting ready to tell her this and I receive an email that they decided to wait so that SS's bio mom could attend the party. All well and fine, that is their choice but she and I do not get along. We were not invited to their wedding and SS told us it was because of BM yet they want us in the same room? No, just not doing it!! Honestly, I felt this was intentional......they know how SS's mom feels about me....why would you do this? I tell he that it is not a goo idea for us to be together and I ask if we could just drop off gifts before bio mom arrives. Holy mackerel, talk about the crap hitting the fan....again, another attack and this time from both SS and his wife saying we will never know their child as our grand child, what terrible parents we are, etc etc. Several raging emails which my husband told me to ignore. She/they never apologized and I have not seen any of them since. That was it for me. I have no idea what her deal was but I was done and not willing to play her games.