How much do I have to be involved?
My new husband's (3 months) children are 20, 24, 26 and 29. All but the youngest one have families of their own. the youngest one spends most of his time in jail or work release or whatever. I jumped in and tried to have a relationship with the kids when we started dating 3 years ago and it was fine until we were married and their actions and lack of ambition began to affect me and my household. Now they have all turned on me and dislike me because they aren't getting stuff handed to them like they used to and are being held accountable for some things. My question is this......Is there any reason why I have to be involved with them? They are grown. Other than holidays, I don't see why I have to fret over the fact that I am their step-mother. They all have mothers. I have no problem with my husband going to visit them or going to grandkids parties/programs, etc. I figure a "good wife" would go with him and bite her tongue, but I'm not sure I can do that.
Sometimes it's best
JamaicanMeCrazy
DISNEY LIED...THERE IS NO 'HAPPILY EVER AFTER'
to just disengage. You're lucky if your DH will let you get by with staying home and letting him go visit by himself - mine throws a fit if I even suggest it. "We're family" - yeah, right! Did something major happen to make them turn on you? My SD17 has always been a holy terror towards me, but SD21 and I used to get along fine - until a money issue came up, along with SD17 telling SD21 lies and turning her against both DH & I.
The only time I really have had to deal with SD21 was at her wedding last summer (I tried to keep a very low profile - I sat in the back of the church and stayed out of range - I let DH & her deal with questions of why is SM sitting in the back)and if we happen to run into her at the in-laws or family functions. We do include her in our family stuff (DH's bday, father's day, 4th of July, etc) and sometimes she's joins us, sometimes not. SD17 is a different story - ugghhh! I'm counting the months, days, hours & minutes til she turns 18. If she's still in high school, I'll have to deal with her one more year, but if she drops out, she's history with me and no amount of whining from DH will make me change my mind about spending time with her.
BTW, welcome!
What happened is that I
What happened is that I became a resident of the home and a contributor to the finances. I want to have a savings account, begin putting back for a down payment on a home, pay off debt, have people knock when they come in my home instead of just walking in and opening the refrigerator, etc. They are used to Daddy just handing out money and letting them use him and do as they please without being accountable for their spending habits or being considerate of him. >>Enter step mother....they DON'T like me because things aren't so easy for them now. It's got to be horrible for my husband. He is torn between us and if I disengage from them maybe it will help.
Financial Concerns re Step Kids
How old are your stepchildren and did you bring any of your children into the marriage. It sounds like you have teenagers.
I married a good man 6 mos ago and brought two of my children (boys 14 and 16) to live in his home with the two of his children (17 daughter) and a 18 yr old son who has now moved out.
He is not well off, in fact all of his paycheque goes to the mortgage (which won't be paid for until another 20 or 30 years), his truck which was re-financed and a car for his daughter which he bought when she was 15 (and he still has 3 more years to pay). He went into partnership with some friends and they took him causing him to have to re-finance his truck and re-finance his car.
Now we have the house for sale and I am sponsoring him to go back to Canada to live in my (paid for) home there. Will the house sell? I don't know.
He also has a credit card which he and his son are in together. His kids bought him a big TV ($3000) for Father's Day and got him to sign the agreement, so they all are supposed to finance it and pay for it each month.
My question is this: I would like your opinion. His daughter is supposed to go to college here in Nevada in September, but asked her dad if she stay and not start collage until next April 2010. The car he is paying for her ($300 a month) is a 5-year loan. There is 3 more years to pay for it. Shouldn't she be taking on the payment? Or if she can't afford it, sell it? What do you think?
That sounds so much
JamaicanMeCrazy
DISNEY LIED...THERE IS NO 'HAPPILY EVER AFTER'
like my SD's. My DH is king of guilt parenting - he believes that since the girls were basically growing up without a mother (BM was and is still by DH and the SD21's own admissions, a piece of "shit". SD21's word, not mine, but I concur)and that he should make up for them being 'motherless' by giving them everything they wanted, no rules, no discipline - you name it, they got it or got by with it. And then I came into the picture. Even before we got married, I let my feelings be known and after the wedding, I put my foot down. No more handouts - helping hands and hand ups are fine, but this bs of giving them every little thing had to stop. And they resented it big time. I didn't do it to be mean - DH was thisclose to filing bankruptcy because of the excessive spending. I have since been bailing him out and trying to get 'our' finances under control. DH still gets mad at me over this, but if I had known just how bad his financial situation and the problems with the SD's was, things would probably be much different now. I still get a lot of grumbling from SD17 demanding this or that, but our finances are tight right now and there's not a thing wrong with that girl that she can't get a part time job for her "wants" that we can't afford. I'm a very generous, loving person but why on earth would I want to spend my hard earned money or precious time putting up with Skids who treat me like crap? Maybe someday your Skids will come around and see that you make their dad happy and they need to stand on their own two feet; maybe they will finally get it - I hope so.
"I make their dad happy"
That's the key, J, and the ONLY way I was able to calm down my looney adult SDs. When I met them (25, 24, 20), they HATED me just because I existed. I'm educated, well-employed, etc. and I think they felt "threatened" because for YEARS they subjected "daddy" to endless problems, issues, screaming, yelling, and chaos....NOW came someone who brought him PEACE and calm. And, he fell in love IMMEDIATELY. We were engaged (after a few break ups due to the DRAMA from those three) within a year and a half.
But, that's what won out. When they would get out of control, I would break up with their dad. He would be miserable. How embarassing it was for them to know (and for people their dad worked with and KNEW of all the nonsense he put up with their antics over the years) that, FINALLY, he found HAPPINESS and they, still had to ruin things for him???
NOW? I do as little as possible with them. Of course, NOW (two of them are now married) they want to play "big happy family", but I am not ready to just "open my heart" to them after the way they treated me in the beginning. And, my H NOW supports me. (I love this site; I learned SO MANY coping skills from all of you
When they earn my TRUST and RESPECT maybe THEN things will change. If H wants to spend time with them, fine. But, I've noticed that, of late, he wants to spend less and less time with them. He really dislikes the drama.
He, too, has come to realize that the LESS we have to deal with their "drama" the HAPPIER our lives our. Now PUSHING 30, they are TOO OLD to be able to interfere or cause problems. They're old enough to get counseling on THEIR OWN.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
I
I
life is tough
I truly underdtand how you all feel...I jumped on the PC after another huge fight with DH about his Adult children! A Saturday night home again, he is asleep in one room and I am in the other. When I first met my Skids, there eyes rolled in their heads and were so rude to me. SD who is 20, treated me as if I was trash, made me feel like I was uneducated and basically the whole dinner was a huge waste. I couldnt wait to get home!
I have met the 26year old SS who is even ruder. I am always polite to all 3 of them but 26 yr old will turn his back to me when I speak or ask how he is...
The 18 year old SS isnt too bad.
SD will always confront me over educational issues. Stating that I could not have ever got a BA by distance education. BUll!! I did!!!
She always does this to me and I have decided that I am not a step mum! I am a person who has the right to be treated with respect! We as humans do not get on well with everyone... thats the way I have to look at it....
My marriage is on the rocks as DH feels I am too tough as I feel they should be acting like adults because they are!!! If I call him at work which is a rarity and one of them are there, he will be very vague, acting like I am a customer in front of them..I feel he doesnt want them to know it is me who called...
I wonder does life get better???????
Just do what you can
Lizdel you should explain to your SD that maybe you did not have all the opportunities she did, but that for her to act like her 'accident of birth that made her able to go to school' is not her doing, but your DH's or parents. And that if she truly feels superior, she should not have to put you down, it sounds more like she is threatened by you for whatever BS reason.!
After 6 years married I go when I feel like it and don't when I don't and vice versa. We also allow 'free passes' for certain events of each others that we just can't deal with. We are happy together and both of our families of course have their issues even we don't want to be around.
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
children are 20, 24, 26 and
children are 20, 24, 26 and 29
_______________________________
children?
those are adults, not children !!! and you don't have to be around them any more than you want to. They are grown adults.
Since you have no problem with your husband seeing them alone, let him do that on holidays, it will keep them out of your house and feel they have any rights there, which they don't since they are grown !
I am to the point with
I am to the point with husbands 18 year old and her stupidity that I feel its best not to do anything but laugh at her.
Talking and reason do no good, so from now on, just going to laugh at her.
It seems to at least upset her and if one of us is going to be upset, I prefer its her and not me.
Adult Step Kids are Afraid
that you are going to take away what they feel is rightfully their's by birth. Meaning anything dad my have to leave to them when he passes. And of course they don't see themselves as drainig dad, I mean come on they are entited to whatever they want for as long as they want...After all they are his bilogical kids and you are nothing. They don't want you in their dad's life anyway and wish you would just go away. They will do their best to chase you off and if that doesn't work they will tell dad that life with you is hell and that he should ditch you to make them happy.
I totally agree with you living
I found a handwritten list of my DHs assets (by SD32) and blank husband's will only form in his car, along with two blank power of attorney forms. You can imagine how angry and betrayed I felt and still do. My two adult SDs have said they do not feel "comfortable" around me and husband always defends them. They do, however, feel comfortable enough to come to our house and swim in our pool every week during the summer - ha. Just biding my time.
Hmm, I have another perspective
Here is another perspective... I am 27. And although I am financially stable and I haven't asked for any help from my parents in years I may be able to help shed some light on their point of view. Keep in mind they have had their dad "be there" for them whenever they needed him for. They have been able to just show up and walk right on in. He allowed that, as my parents have allowed it with me. I know that my parents will always be there for me.
Now let's just say my mom isn't in the picture anymore and now Dad is dating someone new. I am sure I would like her just fine, but that is when they aren't living together yet. Then he gets married and although I have respect for her and my father I have been living years with counting on my father to be there. So when you moved in it was a huge adjustment period for them. Granted they are adults but maybe they saw you changing too much at too fast of a pace. Knocking before coming in is something foreign to them, not asking for money is something they probably haven't thought of either. They realize that it isn't just his money anymore but yours together. But he probably didn't inform them that the money train will be running out once you were married. It is an honest mistake, and one that unfortunatly caused a rift. This can possibly be rectified...have you tried sitting down with the kids and your husband and telling them that you and him are a united front? That you both will be there for them if they need help, but it is time to stand on their own two feet? That you love when they come over and they are welcome anytime, but to please call or knock first in case you are indisposed? I am sure you have tried all of these tactics. Just realize that not only is it an adjustment for you but it is for them also. No matter what age a child is they still want a parent to count on. You are all adults so hopefully they will respect what you both have to say on an adult level, otherwise if they can't then they need to grow up because daddy can't be there anymore to make their lives sunshine and roses anymore. He has started a new journey...with you.
Reality is always controlled by the people who are most insane.
~Dogbert