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What do you call yourself?

Bradymom's picture

My stepchildren's bio mom is totally consumed with jealousy. We have had a lot of "bumps" to weather. With that said, there's a counselor involved & the bio mom, in her own words is "trying to get over her issues". The kids are very much caught in middle; when she's not around they are fine, normal... When she's in sight (at public events, sports type things) they ignore me & sometimes act like they are scared. (Also addressed in counseling) I've begun referring to myself as "your dad's wife" as to not make it so personal for them & letting it be their choice to personalize the relationship with me, by calling me their step mom. So far one child refers to me as "second mom" & another "stepmom" & the third I'm not sure.

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winter80's picture

I also have experience with an extremely jealous BM, not a fun situation and very sad. My SD4 tends to act like a baby around her Mom when I am present, talking in gibberish and making affectionate sounds and hanging on her. Her Mom of course loves this. FDH and I encourage SD4 to act like the almost 5 year old she is, using her words, etc. BM does the exact opposite I believe, she loves to feel needed by SD4. Also, I have noted that after picking up SD4 on transfer days, (after she has spent the weekend visiting with her Mom, since she only has supervised visitation two weekends a month due to her own issues), SD4 will act extremely tight lipped and be distant from me for a while. Loyalty binds have been addressed with her therapist, but it is always one step forward to maturity and what is best for SD4 and 5 steps back with BM. I wish she could get past her fear and insecurity that I bring out in her. I have always tried to be supportive and cordial but it gets very hard with someone so emotionally and spritually stunted.

B22S22's picture

I call myself by my given name. I don't think the SK's will ever refer to me as a stepmom, let alone use that word. I'm lucky if they even address me.

From experience, if the BM is anywhere in the vicinity the SK's act all hinky like I am a total stranger... but they also extend that behavior towards their father, their grandparents (DH's parents), anyone associated with us. But when she's not around, they're OK (at least towards DH and his parents).

Just let them be, they are probably trying to cope as best they can; in many situations the SK's feel they "can't" acknowledge the SM for fear of hurting/upsetting/pissing off BM. I know with our BM, if the SK's even *look* at anyone but her, it's a betrayal.

Bradymom's picture

My step kids treat their father that way too-- when their bio mom is around. It's disgusting to me. I try to understand the pressure they are under, but admittedly have complemented them on their acting skills after a humiliating encounter.

Bradymom's picture

My kids call my husband (their step dad) sometimes his name, sometimes D2 (for dad 2) & sometimes faux pa.

AngelOfMisery's picture

I am under the same BS jealousy with the BM

You would think after 6yrs she would get over it and move on but she has not.

She has to be real bored with her life to totally consume her thoughts and day about us.

The kids are mirror image of her attitude! They act all weird when BM is around.

When they were younger they had better heads on themselves at least the older one did. Soon as BM was gone after being dropped off she act like a fun filled kid. Every since she has gotten in her teenage years she has became distance, has to bring her mom up more in conversations,

They are to me a little off and weird even with her father when it comes to text messaging. She sticks to one word conversation.
yea
guess so <--- actually two words.
no.
ok

She talks a whole line with her mother.

My husband just the other night said he was kind of down that he purchase her a tablet with a video camera in it and she won't take the time to call him up and talk to him. Well of course not!! Her mom has something to do with that!

The BM is not going to allow anything if it puts me in the picture of things.

The girls would come up and hug me as long as she is not around but if she is around they weird out and rush to pick up things to get in her car. and become so rude

If the BM games don't play out as plan ! She gets mad and files something up with court where my husband has to show up in court for something!!

Now they are in their teenage years at act more akward then ever. They both have their own phones my guess she constantly calls them to inplant things like making sure she is included in every conversation that my husband and I has,

Like we have wine "MOM DOES NOT LIKE THAT KIND OF WINE"
When we watch a movie "MOM DOn'T watch those type movies
Cooking? Mom does not cook it like that ( don't know why this is even brought up considering everybody in the family agrees BM is a horrible cook)

Wacked out! I am hoping I am at work fully over time over thanksgiving.

Mercury's picture

I go by my first name.

The last time the boy was over, I heard him refer to me as his stepmom in a conversation with one of his friends. He liked me from the beginning so it wasn't unimaginable that this was going to happen. It just took me by surprise.

Bradymom's picture

We have explained to the kids when they are with us they are to go to their bio mom & say hello, give hugs etc. also explained when we see them on their bio moms custodial time we expect them to address us the same. It's softening a little. Which has caused some retaliation from bio mom... Her telling them "we will talk later" pulling at them physically, etc.

3LittleDragonflies's picture

A few months back, SD3 popped up with "Mamatoo/two" because "You my mama too". Before that she never called me anything. BM tried to have her call me Aunt Dragonflies but that took off like a lead balloon (SD never once referred to me as Aunt, and DH and I discouraged it. She can call me Dragonflies, but I'm not her aunt, I'm her father's wife)
Then, a few weeks later, she settled on Mommom. She's been calling me that since July. It's distinctive from the "Mama" she uses for BM and "Nana" she uses for GBM.

We never encouraged her to call me anything but Dragonflies (aka, my first name). She chose Mamatoo and Mommom.

Tuff Noogies's picture

mine have always called me the nickname version of my name. most people that i am not close to call me by the full name.

say for example my name is Patricia and most everyone else calls me that, but close family and friends would call me Trish- the kids have adopted that from Day 1. Smile

if someone asks, they tell them i am their stepmom, which i like cuz it's much more informal than "stepmother". but every once in a while they slip up with 'mom'.

but they dont call their mother 'mom'- it's always 'mamma' so that's not something they'll ever actually confuse.