You are here

How do you handle the baggage of stepchildren, sister-in-law and other parasites ?

Minervamichelle's picture

I have 3 biological children and four step children- all are over 18 years. I have been married for 1 1/2 years, but have dated DH for 5 years before we eloped. Yes, eloped because DH said SD & SSs would have ruined the event.My SKs have become parasites. SD33 is an alcoholic with a preteen daughter (father is non citizen from Mexico & doesn't contribute $$$); she has bi-polar and depression issues which are excuses for her partying and bad choices. She lived with us for 4 yrs, and needs a different car every year because she abuses them. SS35 is hearing impaired, married with one child and asks for little or nothing. SS27 lives in the house that was to be sold in the divorce with his GF, 2 kids, her twin, twin's BF, child and GF's mother; GF's father also resided there w/o consent of DH when he was released from jail. GF's mother is an alcoholic. They have 4 dogs, 2 cats, rabbit, bird and what ever animals they want in a 1200 sq house; NO one pays rent or upkeeps the house. SS27 makes good money, GF on welfare also works under the table-feels entitled. SS30 used to leave in house with his GF and her 3 kids too. BM#1 is an alcoholic and BM#2 is a drug addict and stalker; both are unemployed. BM#2 gets $750 alimony which will run out in 6 months. Feels like a never ending season of Jerry Springer. Add to addict sister in law living with us for 6 months while we worked and she partied. Latter now applying for disability, as she's tired of working at 53, nothing wrong with her ability to work. DH makes a decent wage, and I have a low wage job. We provide the majority of stuff for the grandkids school supplies, clothes,etc... Our home is decorated like Martha Stewart's for the holidays. We host because the BMs don't put in any effort. It cost $$$$. This year I'm boycotting holidays. I hardly ever see my grandchildren, but SK have no problem knocking on the door for $$$$. I was accepted as the GF to entertain their father, and for me to spend my $$$ on the SKs and their children. SKs have called me a gold digger and everything in between. I was introduced to DH by SD33;I was her neighbor. DH & I went to look at a house in a neighboring state to get away. DH doesn't want to leave after he said we could buy the house. After reading all the problems with SKs & DHs, I want out. I invested my heart and my $$$ in this relationship. I mended the rifts caused by BMs and brought all 4 SKs and father together. I can't handle the disrespect. DH says when he dies I'll have enough money to buy a nice house. When DH dies SKs will fight me for every last $. I might add most of what we have has been acquired since we were together. DH was unemployed and homeless when I met him. DH is a fine man, intelligent, hardworking, funny, loving and compassionate. He watched his sisters suck the like from his parents living with and off them. He does understand adult parasite child syndrome. I can't live like this. SKs are irresponsible, living in the moment, and living a better lifestyle than we have. We are very frugal,price match, don't eat a lot of meats or eat out a lot, but the SKs do. I'm at a point where I do not care. If you spend your paycheck on booze, partying, weed then the natural consequence is that you wouldn't have $$$ for groceries or rent. It's not our job to supplement your poor choices. Life is short and I'm trying to build a simple life with DH, but SKs refuse to get off the teat. BMs are worthless, and have ruined the foundations of SKs, but SKs are adults now. So why can't they get it together? Part of me is optimistic but the other part says cut your losses and run ... run far away & don't look back. Tonight I'm feeling esp hurt as SS35 wrote a post about his family. He is the most grateful SK, but there was no mention of me or my children. It was I that took his wife to the hospital in the middle of the night, stayed with her, watched my grandson and paid for the stay because they had no insurance. It was I that once again came to the rescue in the middle of the night to gather his wife and son and drive to tenbucktwo when he was in a serious car accident. It is I ensured they had groceries and DH bought school clothes and supplies for our grandson. BM tried to kill him when he was younger and lived in a bottle most of her life. BM mother doesn't work, but I do. So working all day, then up all night taking car of SKs, taking off work to care for them, it's all a blurr. I don't even get a mention and I'm always there for DH and SKs. I draw comfort from knowing my biological children would never behave in such a manner. I'm soo DONE !!! I think I need counseling to understand why I have stayed so long. I do care about my SKs and I love my grandchildren even though I'm not a blood relative. I can't do dysfunction and this only a tiny fraction of what I deal with on a daily basis. Somebody please tell me things will change. It took me 39 years to find the right man, but if I stay SKs will suck the life and all joy from me. If doubt I will ever find the love that I share with my husband.

AVR1962's picture

Way past time for your husband to put limits on his family, boundaries need to be placed. Your husband needs to sit with each family member who is depending on him/the two of you for financial support and he needs to ask them how they plan to be come independent. If that means setting a deadline, then that needs to be done. There is no reason SIL cannot be on her own and working, and should be. No one, especially as many as you have indicated, should be living in the other house for free. I also do not think it is out of line to address the addiction issues and suggest help. You might be called the gold digger but only because they don't want to lose their hand outs. You guys are being used for your kindness. Time for these Users to get on their own two feet. It might create some hard feelings but it is ridiculous to expect you guys to stand there with your hands out giving them a free ride in life. They can't have any respect for your husband and the only way each one of these people is going to feel good about themselves is thru their own achievements.

As for you, be your husband's support but I would be real careful not to handle the situation yourself. Your husband is the one that needs to initiate the conversations and start the bowl rolling for goals and boundaries. What the two of you decided together should be carried out by your husband.

hereiam's picture

I mended the rifts caused by BMs and brought all 4 SKs and father together.

Any regrets for doing that? You took on all of this dysfunction and put yourself smack in the middle of it and now they all depend on you to keep their shit together. Stop.

Nothing will change until you and your husband decide to change things. It's time for these adults to handle their own business. It will be hard, especially with grandchildren involved, but they are not your responsibility. The adults will keep using the kids in order to use you, as long as you let them.

Cut them all off.

peacemaker's picture

Realize it is not yours to fix....their baggage is not yours to pick up...I realized most of the stress i was carrying because of steps was because It was NOT MY DRAMA, and I was constantly trying to "fix" everything...They are adults now...time to let them individualize their lives...the "parenting season" is over...So many divorced people have a hard time with this natural process of letting their children become adults because they keep trying to get a re-do of the past. They need to realize..it is done..What they have or have not taught their children will now morph into their adulthood journey...

Defining you culture in your home and creating healthy boundaries is a necessary step to allow this process to happen...I have seen 40 year olds who are still on their parent's teat...They never individualized, and the parents never encouraged it because they were co dependent on their children's dependency...Push the reset button on what you are focusing on in life...stepkids are only a part of your life...they should not be all-consuming of your life...get on with becoming everything you were intended to be before you wake up one day and realize (like I did)...how much precious time you have wasted on all their drama...It is not worth it.....

It doesn't mean you don't love them...Love them enough to let them go....peace.