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His and Hers kids are completely different

Jlowe6974's picture

My husband and I have been married 5 years. He has 2 kids SD 25 SS18. My daughter is 19 and son 16. His kids have never lived with us. My daughter did until this year when she moved out and son just moved in from his dads. My kids have never given us problems. They are respectful, hold jobs,  oldest pays her own bills and works while going to college. We do not help her and she doesn’t ask. Her relationship with her “bonus dad” is beautiful and they love each other very much. Same with my son. He holds a pt job while in school and is very helpful around the house without asking. This is how they were raised. Their bio dad is a complete pos, but regardless of what I think of him I never let my kids be disrespectful to him. He has nailed his own coffin shut and currently both kids are not speaking with him. They are also in therapy so I’m not their dumping ground when it comes to him. Completely different scenario with my stepkids. From day 1 they have been nothing but a source of chaos, confusion and gnashing of teeth. They call crying and talking crap about their mom who they hate to their dad, always asking for money, we’ve been back and forth to court because ex wife is crazy, you can’t communicate like adults with anything of them because they turn it back on you. SD calls dad several times a day crying because she simply can’t figure life out. She’s also in the middle of getting her masters degree in psychology lol. SS is so disrespectful to his mom who he lives with but still calls complaining and calling her every name imaginable. My husband has tried to explain he’s not a dumpster but doesn’t stand firm with boundaries. We have also extended our hands to mostly his kids to help them in various ways, but if it’s not exactly what they want they refuse. This Christmas all kids came for dinner...first time ever. It was a fusterckuck at best. My kids were respectful and helped out...his kids loud, fighting and crying that I hated them. Well, they are almost right. I don’t like them. When I told my husband this he didn’t speak to me for 2 days. These kids use him as a landfill, we are in the process of working things out. Please tell me it’s ok not to like these kids. They are toxic and disrespectful. I definitely would not put up with this behavior from my own kids. But how do I deal with this going forward? I’m not about to allow their toxicity ruin my life. 

tog redux's picture

They are toxic because their parents have made them that way - even if BM is the primary source of it, he's allowing it to infect your home by not having boundaries and setting limits on their behavior.  He may say he's not a dumpster, but clearly he is and he gets some secondary gain from being the dumpster - maybe feeling like the "better" parent? Maybe assuaging any guilt he feels for reproducing with someone like BM? Maybe feeling like the good guy rescuer?

You can't control the skids, but you can control what you allow in your own home. He is the real problem here, work on him. The fact that he can't even hear that you don't like his kids despite their horrible behavior speaks volumes about the situation. He's unwilling to be honest with himself about his kids and how they affect everyone in the household.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Is your exH remarried?  Do your kids have a stepmother?

Jlowe6974's picture

Yes, my kids have a stepmom. My daughter has nothing to do with her or her dad and hasn’t for 6 years. My son lived with them until recently and isn’t speaking to his dad but is in contact with stepmom because there is a younger half sibling he wants to continue a relationship with. 

Jlowe6974's picture

All the above is true. I think he’s slowly seeing some it. But I’m tired of dealing with it so to therapy we will go and maybe he’ll hear it from someone else. Thank you!

caninelover's picture

I don't like mine either and have disengaged.  There is a misconception that if you lovesomeone than you must love their children.  This is not the case, especially with adult 'children' who often have deep resentments over their broken parental marriage and family. 

It is like any other adult relationship - some work, some don't.  If they don't there is no need to force it to.  If your DH can accept that than your life and marriage will be much smoother.  Though issues will still come up there won't be this unspoken expectation that you love or mother his children.

Hesitant to try's picture

Like CajunMom said, it's not wrong to dislike people who behave badly -- It'd actually be strange if we did like them. My view is once they're adults, the relationship has to be a give and take if I'm going to participte in it.

I have Skids from a previous marriage (husband passed away several years ago) and I have a good relationship still with both of my SSs, and we always did - from day 1. This time around, SO has 2 kids. One is neutral, and he and I get along fine although we'll never be close. The other is hostile and dramatic and cruel to SO so I don't like her. Liking her at this point would imply something was really wrong with me because she's just unlikeable. I don't think anyone (classmates, relatives, her own brother) like her very much either. If your Skids are unlikeable, go ahead and dislike them. Maybe some day they'll give you good reason to start changing your view as they evolve into mature, good humans. Fingers crossed. 

And like you, Jlowe, my kids handle my new relationships just fine. They are kind, loving and respectful. They loved my deceased husband when he was in our lives, and they like and get along well with my SO. SO likes all my kids, I like 1 of his, and dislike the other. I sometimes worry this will cause issues down the road, but what can be done about it? Nothing. She's just unlikeable. SO has put boundaries up with her and that has been helpful. He did this after having a few counseling sessions about SD21. He'll need to keep them up in order to protect our relationship. Would your DH consider counseling? He needs to see their behavior for what it is and he needs boundaries around it. It'd be good for everyone, including them! I don't understand the parents who raise crappy kids and think they're doing them any favors. If parents don't teach kids proper behaviour, the world will and that's always a much harsher lesson.

Good luck!

Jlowe6974's picture

Yes, he has no problem going to counseling which is on my to-do list for tomorrow. I was trying to explain to him that I don’t even like some of my students. Not everyone gets along. I think because he has such an effortless relationship with both of my kids that he finds it wrong that his kids and I don’t have the same. But, I just can’t continue the drama and disrespectful behavior any longer. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

"DH, you have an effortless relationship with my kids because I put in a lot of effort to make then polite, respectful, socialable humans. I've set boundaries, put them in therapy, set rules, told them no, guided them, <insert whatever else you've done>. It has been difficult, but my job as their parent was to do it. If you want your kids to have effortless relationships with others, then you need to start putting in a lot more effort."

Peach's picture

No one likes to hear that their spouse doesn't like their children - no matter how  unlikeable they are.  Focus more on their actions when you are speaking with him.  I hope counseling helps.

TwirlMS's picture

My DH overheard me confiding to my sister (a licensed family therapist) about the ugliness of SD40s behavior.  

I was on my cellphone in our driveway in the car at the time, but he was in the garage unbeknownst to me and must have been shocked by this revelation because I've always kept my feelings about SD quiet from him.  He flips out if he hears anything negative about his daughter, even though he knows every word is true.

Seven years later when we both had a few sessions with the pastor of our church, DH found out the depth of my pain when I read from the journal that I was keeping.  Writing my feelings out on paper, just like writing on this forum, helps to sort out what I am experiencing.  

I told the pastor that my SD caused our first ever fight and our last fight that brought us to seek counseling from him.  

I don't need to verbalize that I don't like her, I just shine the light on what she is doing to us,  Its never good and I fully expect that she will never be a polite, much less loving,  person to me.  

I've always been polite and forgiving to her but I have also stopped her from blowing up my marriage (and she has tried hard to do that) and that alone makes her furious.