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Stepkids Ruining the Marrage... and I believe that is Exactly What They Want

Stepdad100's picture

Need some help here... been married for 7 years. I have 2 kids and my wife has 2 kids. Her kids were good when they were younger but now they are 15 and 16. They are openly disrespectful to their Mom and do not follow our house rules. They threaten to call their Dad and have them come and get them when at our house since at his house they can do pretty much whatever they want.

My wife’s Ex is still very bitter about the divorce and does nothing to discipline his kids. The stepkids play the emotional game with their Mom and manipulate everything to make her feel bad and guilty. Their manipulative behavior is exhausting. Not to mention now they are smoking pot (their Mom saw the text messages) and still their Dad does nothing...anything they do bad is my wife’s fault because she left him...8 years ago.

I have had enough... I can’t take the stepkids behavior and open displays of disrespect.... to their Mom(my wife) my 2 kids and our household. By disrespect I mean telling their Mom to F off.... she’s a F’ing Bit€£...I’m just so done with these 2 stepkids.... any advice would be appreciated.

Indigo's picture

Someone once asked me: "What are you teaching your son?" It resonated.

So, I extend the question to you: "What are you teaching your children?" What values are you demonstrating? What are they learning about healthy, loving families and good parenting? Remember that this is the legacy that you are providing to your children.

Indigo's picture

Adding: what will Life look like if your skids fail to launch?

Lots of stories here of adult skids & biokids living for free at home, working or schooling part-time. Considering "adulting" sometime while sapping parent's savings. Some add a pregnant GF or untrained dog ... (shudders).

Sounds like this requires a herculean effort from both DW & the skids. (& you, since this isn't a vacuum) Perhaps DW can get some counseling & go to "parenting teens" classes. I'm sure your DW is a lovely person, but too bad she is s*cking as a parent right now.

This situation will likely negatively impact your children's and your life for years, especially if there is not a major sea change.

You need to take a good look at yourself. What are you willing to live with, what are you willing to model, how uncomfortable are you willing to become to fascilitate change? Good luck.

Cara1128's picture

Is the potsmoking occurring in your house?
How would your wife react if her kids went to jail?
Plus what Indigo said

Stepdad100's picture

They do not smoke pot at our house... but they do at their Dad’s house. I’m very afraid of the impact on my kids... I’m so far in over my head. I thought could parent the stepkids but I can’t.... I feel so defeated and lost.

Java_Junkie's picture

Food for thought:
This is not a "passing phase." A boy's voice change is a passing phase... This is a bad behavior.

So, with ANY bad behavior, ask yourself, would you tolerate it from anyone? I'm thinking NO, since you're here.

These SKids dad is a permissive parent. You can't compete, as those folks always deal with WANTS over NEEDS. Teens gobble that up faster than fire ants on a gummi bear.

I've been told that if a big dog has its jaws on you, DON'T PULL BACK, as they'll only bite harder and do more damage as they instinctively yank back; if it's your hand they want to eat, GIVE IT TO THEM. Force your hand down their throat and force them to gag... hold the back of their head with one hand and FORCE IT. They'll want to get away... keep it up. Finally, YOU let go when YOU'RE ready.

I think manipulators are like that dog. Half the spectacle for them is the Tug Of War... So I say, force it. FIRST, DOCUMENT ALL THE ILLEGAL/UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR.
These kids want to go to dad's? "OK, here... let me help you pack your stuff." Explain to them that their behavior is absolutely intolerable, and that, at their age, they can choose where they are (verify this with your laws!). Take it all, their school stuff, their photos, everything, nothing of yours or your wife's. Quickly, efficiently, stuff it in a box and make sure they have EVERYTHING. Then load them up and drag them over to their dad's and drop them off at the street, and wish them luck.

If you're paying for their phones or anything, SUSPEND IT ALL. Since their dad is *so awesome,* let him be awesome and provide them with whatever they need. Put any Child Support to the side and don't spend it, but account for every penny until you know how your laws work and what the decree provides for visitation and support, etc.

THEN... if DAD says he wants to change the custody or support terms, tell him you'll be happy to see him in court to renegotiate. IF he takes you up on it, explain to the judge that your house rules are fair and reasonable, and they refuse to comply. If you need to show the proof of tolerated drug use, BAM... He might be looking at supervised visitation. "Careful what you ask for, dad..."

Just make sure you have good proof that'd stand up in court.

Rags's picture

You are an equity parent to any children in your home regardless of kid biology... SO PARENT!!!! Set the standards of behavior for children in your home and enforce those standards. Just because your wife has lost any semblance of parental testicular fortitude doesn't mean that you have to follow her down that emasculative path. Jack those two POS wannabe men up short, give them the crystal clear message that they will not speak to your wife in that matter, and then rub their noses in their behavioral stench firmly and repeatedly until they either fix their crappy behavior or never again darken your doorstep. I think that you will find that if your wife sees your position in not tolerating anyone to disrespect her that she may just grow some mom balls. Good luck.

Stepdad100's picture

I appreciate the follow up...it’s going...the 2 stepkids are living with their Dad...at his house...where they can get away with anything and it is what it is. At least they are out of my house and in all honesty it’s much more peaceful now, my wife is hurt... don’t know what the long term effects will be...again, I appreciate the follow up.

amyburemt's picture

I am  so sorry you are going through this.  I have 2 sd's and 2 bios all are teens. sd's bm is unmedicated bipolar. she has them every other weekend. sd17 is a nightmare. she's hateful, disrespectful, you name it. my dh does his best to discipline her though and she does get in trouble if she is disrespectful. She has no boundaries or rules at her moms house. early on, we got the whole "mom doesn't have rules" argument and we stated plainly and clearly, "there are 2 houses with 2 different sets of rules. here, you will abide by the rules and then what you do at your mom's house is up to her". Part of the hardest thing with all of this is realizing that you can never change the other parent. Your wife will need to learn to stand up to those boys and not take the disrespect. I have a bio 15 year old and occasionally he challenges me but i go nose to nose with him and then he's fine the next day. But ultimately she has no control over what the dad does and maybe she needs to flat out state that to the boys. something like "I have no control over what happens at your dads house, that is between you and him, but here you WILL respect me and my house". as for you, my recommendation is to step back and not be a disciplinarian. i know, it will drive you nuts, but i found that in the long run it saved my own sanity to just hand it off to my dh. And don't forget to take some time out to occasionally do some fun things all together such as zoo, video zone, etc. A counselor once told me that kids will come back to the place that they felt most secure in the long run. if you are providing that stability, then they will eventually realize it. 

Thumper's picture

I see this has first posted in Feb 2018 and somehow was bumped up. Anyway, Sir, you have two bios. Wifes kids come around your bios stoned. Thats a deal breaker for me. 

You may think your in this deep. Maybe you two bought a house and have a mountain of bills. The GREAT news is you dont have bio's together of the marriage.  

When her kids get caught by authorities, and they will...this will be a deeper problem. Sometimes we have to cut our losses and move forward. IF not for you, for your bio's. I am sure they are feeling this impact too.

Sorry about this.....YOU can make things better.