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Stepkids talking about me to their dad.

Jlowe6974's picture

My stepkids have never really had a lot to do with me.  They were 13 and 19 when I married their dad and now are 20 and 26. ( He was divorced for 8 years before we met) I’ve never forced my presence on them and always welcomed them with open arms.  Both of these kids are constantly in therapy over the treatment their mom gave them and continues to give them. She’s a bit crazy.  Side note...I also have 2 kids ages 21 and 18. Both of them adore their bonus dad and have no contact with bio dad. My husband has been an amazing example to both of my kids and is close with each one. 

The last 2 Christmas’ that my stepkids have spent with us, they have left and within the week call their dad to talk about me and how uncomfortable they are at our house because I make them feel not included.  I have no idea how I could make them feel anymore comfortable. We talk, we eat, they open presents and act like everything is ok until they leave. This year was the second time they called their dad after Christmas and complained.  My husband told them that they were not invited back unless they talk to me. He told them I would be more than willing to listen to whatever they have to say and to stop causing unnecessary drama. Since then they continue several times a day to call and talk to him and act like nothing is wrong. I told my husband that there’s no consequences to their actions so if he continues to talk to them nothing will change. However, I want him to have a relationship with his kids. Is there a solution here?

hereiam's picture

Well, if they feel so uncomfortable (which a common theme in step land, on BOTH sides), they can decline the free food and the gifts and not come over.

I think your husband did the right thing, telling them that they needed to talk to you before coming back over. They haven't because they are full of it, they just want Daddy to feel sorry for them and what? Agree with them? Punish you? Be mad at you? Give you a stern talking to? He basically let them know that that wouldn't happen, THEY would have to talk to you. And, he told them to stop causing unnecessary drama, which let them know that he didn't buy what they were saying.

My solution would be to stop lifting a finger. If your husband wants them over, HE does everything and they can complain about THAT.

Some people are just never happy. It sounds like they are used to being "victims" and it's their "go to".

CajunMom's picture

Your husband stood up to that mess and put it to a stop. And he gave clear instructions of what THEY needed to do.

So, if the choose to ignore it, STOP doing anything for them.  Or at least cut out the extras and only do the necessary.

I hope your SKs wake up and do the necessary work to repair their BS behavior. 

caninelover's picture

Easy solution - if they are so uncomfortable they don't need to visit.  They can spend Christmas with each other, or friends.  Dad can visit them.  Honestly these kids all do the same BS.  At least your DH laid down the law.  I doubt they'll follow through so hold their feet to the fire- what specifically did they not feel included in, etc. before they can visit again.

MissTexas's picture

the battle won. So many of us wish our DHs would do what yours did.

My concern is why they feel the need to complain about you once they usurp all of the benefits of being at your home?  If they're not comfortable they: Angel Stop visiting in your home or*new \m/ New russian New russian \M/Behave as ADULTS and talk to their FATHER and HIS WIFE about what it is that makes them uncomfortable. It's likely in a triad conference, they won't actively voice their grievances, hence there are likely NO GRIEVANCES. This is just a smokescreen for them trying to guilt daddy into doing their bidding, because  feel like they're not getting enough of daddy's undivided attention. As you've pointed out, you've gone above and beyond to make them feel welcome. If someone CHOOSES not to feel cofortable after YOU have clearly gone to the ends of earth and back (as most of us here have) then it's not you, it's clearly THEM.

In many situations, including my own, SKs have felt comfortable normalizing their misery, and bonding over their dysfunction,  because DH has gone to them with his own complaints, (though in my situation DH has always been treated like a KING by me, despite the deception and betrayal he has thrust upon me with his kids and attorneys) therefore, the bitch fest is not only free flowing and encouraged, but concurrent.  It doesn't seem like this is your situation, and I hope he's not playing both sides of the fence like this one over here is. 

This "adult" SD over here has been in therapy for years, to no avail. Some are so broken (by choice) nobody can "fix" them. 

Also these SKs all seem to read from the same playbook, they're apparently always "walking on eggshells" around us (translation: we don't take any crap off of them) or they feel "left out" (translation: I'm not the center of daddy's universe anymore and I do NOT LIKE IT) To name just a few....

Consider yourself fortunate! You have a DH who is in a real marriage and recognizes the importance of putting his wife and marriage FIRST.

Olivia2020's picture

about you! So I wonder when he speaks with them, are you completely left out of any conversation? If he says, "Jlowe and I are going to the mountains for the holiday weekend" would they respond with "Ok, daddy, we hope you have fun, we love you" thus leaving you/your name out? I dealt with this before, as if I didn't exist. 

They're at that 'fragile' snowflake age and I have zero tolerance for their complaining and lies. I was in a similar situation and I would give now exDHNarc what I call the Garfield the cartoon cat with bored expressionless eyes. 

Biomom crazy or not, oftentimes there is a trauma bond or kids seem to be loyal to their mothers, unless social media tells them to cut out their 'toxic' parent/s. Everything is freakin' toxic and trauma nowadays. It's great that you don't tolerate it and your DH won't entertain their whining or them trying to stir up drama. Like other comments above, meet out somewhere but not in your home for any future family meals or gatherings. 

CLove's picture

For standing up for you and shooting their drama flying monkees down.