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harmony98's picture

I read so much on here, so many people who just dont want to so dont have anything to do with their skids.  

my question is does that really work.  ?

im now in a situation. i have dissengaged.  its been a while.  Hubby and i were on the same page.  However the SD has thrown in some emotional black mail and now the situation between my self and her is my fault.

I dont want my husband dissapearing to see his daughter everymonth for 2 nights.

1, it leaves me dealing with everything else.

2, its train fairs hotels meals out of our family pocket. 

3  he refuses to ask her what her actual issue with me is.

ive pretty much told him i didnt sign up for this life.  he has made it clear her feelings are more important than mine.

she maybe he daughter, love her.  call her see her occasionally. but when it comes to immediate ditch of plans with me to go to her its not good enough. ive tried for 17 years to be harmonious step family.

but it seems as soon as i have said. look enoughs enough. treat us like family and how you treat each other or not at all. 

1 step kid fine

1 has changed name said he wants no contact with any of us ( many other issues there )

1 has just gone on manipulation overdrive

so i suppose ive played my cards and lost the hand.


we have a dd 14.  i dont want to destroy her life.  but i feel like i dont have one.

im 41 he is 57. 

any comments / feedback welcome.


Rags's picture

You will not destroy your DD's life by modeling confidence and zero tolerance for your DH's and SD's manipulations.  

Next daddy SD weekend, re-key the locks and have him served while he is with her.  Don't forget emergency custody and CS for your DD.  You both deserve better from the STBXH.

Olivia2020's picture

and she needs a healthy mom. When we're under such stress and strain (mentally, physically, financially etc) then our kid(s) pick up on this very quickly. It must be hard for her to see you struggle and your DH in his mid-life crisis with his DaughterWife/Miniwife, is modeling disrespectful behaviors towards you and the daughter you have together. 

Struggle...the word I would ask exDHNarc...'why is everything such a struggle with you?' becuase I've had some good solid relationships yet refused to get remarried until my son was 18 and out of the home. I just think of these grown men with their young adult daughters the same as 15 yr old boys being 'girl crazy' and fixated on one thing.

What Rags said...file for divorce and rekey the house, leave his belongings in the shed or on the porch. 

Movingonisbest's picture

ive tried for 17 years to be harmonious step family.

That was your first HUGE mistake imho. No way would I try to have a relationship with someone's toxic adult kids for 17 years because in all honesty, I wouldn't even try for 17 days.  Did you feel valuable before meeting your DH and Skids? If so, why let people who didn't give you value try to diminish it? Personally, I  would have told my DH and his kids to go kick rocks if they think I'm tolerating their crap. 

Your DH is not a man. Forgive yourself for getting involved with the loser.. Then get into counseling so YOU can love yourself again and pour that same love into your DD. Give her the life she deserves to have because your DH is unable or unwilling to do this.

Teach your DD. through example to NEVER let anyone get comfortable disrespecting her. You are feeling horrible. However, if anyone is going to feel horrible, it should  be your DH because those are his toxic adult kids. Do yourself a huge favor and leave him in the toxic mess he created. Life is so much better without other people's toxicity.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Start putting together an exit strategy, but be strategic and discreet. And whatever he spends on travels to be with his mini wife, take an equal amount out of your joint accounts and squirrel it away. It's only fair that you should get the same amount of mad money as he does, right?

harmony98's picture


ESMOD's picture

I'm going to dissent a little here.  You are talking about 2 nights a month?  That doesn't seem overly excessive although  you say it leaves you with a lot to deal with.. what do  you mean by that?  is your 14 yo special needs and requires a lot of hands on?  do you have a ranch with 100 head of cattle and 14 horses?  Or is it you feel he is "choosing" his daughter over you?

I mean, not everyone has to like everyone... perhaps there are enough rough feelings that the best way to handle this is for him to just see her a couple of days a month outside the home.  Just because YOU don't like her.. doesn't mean he has to shun his child (adult I am assuming).  He can have a relationship with her separate from yours.

If you are concerned about the financial aspect then set limits with him on what he will spend on these monthly visits.. and choose to treat yourself "equally".  

It's not his job to necessarily broker a peace accord with his daughter and you... If you are interested in getting to the bottom of things and having a relationship with her.. you can contact  her yourself.  If you have no interest in having a relationship with her.. that's fine too.. but  you can't force that decision on your DH.. it is his child.. and for what it's worth.. parents can separate some bad behavior from the love of their child.. they are not mutually exclusive.

So.. I would carefully consider what it would mean for him to cut off this daughter.. do you want to be with the kind of person that can so easily cut ties with their own flesh and blood?  As long as he is not disrespectful to you.. I'm not sure his visiting her is any betrayal.. he isn't hiding it.

Noway2b1's picture

If money isn't an issue. If money is tight it can really sow some resentment. My DH and I do ok financially but recently his eating out expenses skyrocketed with one SS. This was ok until WE had some unexpected expenses and then it was "we need to be more mindful for the next little while" I asked him to dial back his occasional 2x a week eating out with SS to once a week (if not less) and to at least try to limit the spending on his meals. I went with them a few weeks ago and YSS meal alone was around 30$ DH and I split our meal of 15$  this of course included yss ordering not one but 3 desserts to go. I pointed out to DH, that if we were tightening our belts that behavior like that cannot continue during our financial diet. 

harmony98's picture

I simply dont know anymore to be honest.

If i spent the same as him.  Money would be an issue.  I run a business that he co owns but doesnt work in.  so everytime he goes away.  im dealing with home / work / daughter / pets by myself.  I cant go away as i have to work.

shamds's picture

Ditching his wife (op) and their child together to disappear for 2 days a month to cave into sd fantasy that you and your daughter don't exist.

any sane man with a heart and feelings is gonna resent skids easily for putting him in this unnecessary position. 

it took me 3 visits in with skids to say no more. It was absolute torture and disrespect from them and I wasn't gonna destroy our weekend with their horrid behaviour for what hubby called "quality family time" when it was far from it.

the first outing hubby went alone and left 11am and came home 7.30pm he came to a pissed off wife who still had to care for 2 toddlers with no break no care no concern and then it hit him during that outing that me and our 2 kids were there to distract hubby, he finally saw how skids behaved with their fake 1 big happy family.

hubby had so much guilt. Me and our 2 kids together are his family too and he just couldn't understand skids pressuring and guilting him into outings alone because it hurt him massively. He realised caving into these bullshit outings was disrespectful to me and our kids. 

he got to a point where he refused outing alone with them and since they couldn't behave respectfully around us and destroyed all bridges of a relationship, hubby started prioritising outings with us that were skid free. If skids weren't gonna be respectful then hubby wasn't gonna ditch us to be treated like a chauffeur and atm when he would have an amazing time with us. His 3 kids from ex are a lost cause and starting the dysfunctional cycle with our 2 kids together is not an option and hubby agrees with that. Its still hard for him to separate the 2 but there is no way i and our kids are gonna suck it up and be treated this way. Skids are 27, 24 and 16.5, its time they grew up and accept the divorce back in 2009 was the best thing that happened to both their parents and the parents have both moved on.

op dh here has no guilt ditching his wife and kid 2 days every month and this is showing sd she is the alpha female and she can continue to disrespect you and demand daddy choose her and he effectively has.

my husband had ss already 21 threaten daddy that he would run away and should be able to disrespect me and shun me and our kids. If hubby forced him to be respectful and civil then ss would run away. Ss forced my husband to choose him over us. 
i wasn't gonna tolerate this anymore and told hubby i would not remain in a home with a skid actively trying to destroy our marriage so either adult skid is kicked out or hubby buys a new home as i refuse to expose our 2 young kids to this behaviour

hubby bought a new home, skids are not welcome ever in it with their toxic crap

Noway2b1's picture

Manipulative people will say and do whatever they need to in order to get their way, including blatant lying and fabrication. We just recently experienced with DHs 40 some thing middle daughter. She wanted $ he resisted, she pushed....guilty daddy not only caved but even knowing she lied he caved again when she guilt tripped him for more than he was willing to give. As a previous step mom with bio kids with an older man, please do not let them "take" from your DD, jealousy played a huge role in my first marriage with skids, 25 years later my children with this man are still dealing with the fallout from their half siblings. If your DH is the kind of man you can have a sit down conversation with and come to some terms about the situation then I strongly advise that, if not is he the sort that would come to counseling to discuss it. (The answer to both is usually either yes or no). If finances are not a concern then as others advised me start putting $ away to match all their daddy daughter outings and start doing mommy daughter outings with yours. If finances are a concern then that is a whole other conversation. Sometimes even with our bio kids there comes a time that daddy cannot fix things. My DH was/is at least smart enough when the late 30's to early 40's skids started coming to him booh hooing about how much trauma their parents divorce 30 years ago STILL is for them, he offered to pay for 6 months of therapy. Only one kid actually took him up on it and it did seem to help him. The rest all wanted a paid vacation or as they tried to call it a "family healing retreat" ya know some place like Jackson Hole or other trendy spendy resort. 

shamds's picture

Bullshit sob story with the fake waterworks guilting him for choosing me and our 2 kids over them. The reality was sd23 and sd13 had cut off contact over lies they knew their mum made 5.5 yrs prior.

Bio mum married her affair hubby whilst still married to my husband. She was fine to remarry but how dare daddy marry and have 2 kids with me. Apparently daddy was expected to put his life on hold for them.

when they realised the typical manipulative bs they learnt from their dad no longer works because daddy has learnt this isn't healthy, they guilt him for prioritising me and our kids who were 1 & 2.

their parents marriage should have never happened and it's hypocritical to guilt your dad for marrying his wife 5.5 yrs post divorce and having 2 kids with his caring loving wife but your lying cheating narc abusive and neglectful bio mum is ok to remarry days after divorce was finalised.

skids will try to blame the world for their issues when they only have themselves to blame

Stepdrama2020's picture

Another casualty from the dysfunctional daddio syndrome.

Hun as everyone has said, and you have thought this yourself. Your DH is not gonna give up this toxic dance, not without a fight anyway. This type of sickness is dang hard to heal.

You deserve so much better. Aim to love yourself and your bio so much that there is no room for this in your life.

I am curious does he treat DD the same as SD? I know its different that SD does not live with you , but does he favor SD? 

Also ask your DH why in the hell would you wine and dine a broad who rejects your WIFE. Let him know how hurtful this is. I get he wants a relationship with SD but if he caters to her thats not a healthy relationship, thats called ass kissing.


sandye21's picture

The question is - are you both contributing equally to joint expenses?  If so, then what he spends on SD should be coming out of his personal account.  If he doesn't have a personal account, he can create one, place a certain amount of money for treating SD, airfare, etc., and spend no more than that.  My exDH would 'treat' snobby SD to all sorts of meals and vacations using our joint account.  He puffed his chest out like he was 'the big man', as if HE was paying for it all out of his own pocket.  SD and her husband rarely treated to anything, wouldn't even leave a tip for a meal.  I finally said from now on he could pay for his family and I would pay for mine.  Suddenly the vacations and expensive meals stopped.

He has the right to see his daughter.  You don;t have to have ant relationship with her at all, and in many ways that might be better for you.  Two days a month is not exessive if he makes sure he is giving you and your DD the same or better affection and attention.  

paul_in_utah's picture

Here's a sad reality of Step-Life:  If we all had what we actually wanted, there would be no Step-Life.  Everyone would be living in intact nuclear families, and we wouldn't have to deal with the problems that come with someone else's children. 

I think most of the OGs on here would say it's a matter of degree.  To what extent do you assert yourself, to what extent are you willing to let things go to preserve harmony.  It's a different answer for everyone.  If you feel like you have the leverage and Sexual Marketplace Value to risk an ultimatum, then go for it.  If it doesn't work out, you can leave and start over with someone else.  I suspect that most people here don't have sufficient leverage or SMV to use ultimatums, so you have to decide how much to put up with. 

In my case, I would love to only have to deal with my SO's kids two days a month (or have her disappear only 2 two days a month to coddle them).  Instead, they are around almost 24/7, and she is contantly kissing their asses and enabling them.  My SMV does not support leaving and easily replacing her, so I put up with a bunch of BS.  If I don't put up with her, I could either date women with major health issues (overweight, drug habits, etc.), or embrace Loneliness with Dignity.

That's my situation. I'd glady trade for yours.

Rags's picture

As for SMV, I think most people undervalue their own SMV.  Just my opinion of course.

For non breeding SPs, I think the value is sky high if a choice is made to re-enter the market.

I also think that for prior breeders the SMV is solid if that person is a quality parent who will work with their partner to make the relationship the adult priority above all else including children.  Children are the primary adult responsibility, but not the priority over partners to each other, or their relationship.  The problem is that there is no way for a new partner to test drive that prior breeder to verify their quality or to see through the veneer/facade of early relationship salesmanship.

Too bad there is not a temp service for screeing a new potential partner against reality Vs appearances.

bertieb's picture

but I would love my DH to go away 2 nights a month! I adore and love my husband but I lovemy space too and to have 2 nights a month I could watch tv shows and movies he doesn't care for, eat whatever I want, have girl time with my daughter, go junk shopping or do nails, sounds great to me!

Ispofacto's picture

I think you're angry about her dislike of you.  Which can only mean that you are taking her animosity personally.

It has nothing to do with you.  She is a whiny twunt with major mommy issues and she'd hate any woman in your position.  Be glad you don't have to deal with her.

You won.  She's not bringing her nasty attitude to your home.  Enjoy your break from DH.

If money is the issue, make sure he's taking her to Chili's instead of The Ritz.  Start hiding money and create a shortage so he can experience the consequence.



Rags's picture

Neither my bride nor I have a problem with the other of us having extended family time without the other. That said, I would take extreme exception to this situation.  If I were the prior breeding spouse in my marriage, I would not shelve my bride for an X. Under any circumstance and no matter how short that situation might be. Nope. The X can rot.

harmony98's picture

Yep money is part of the issue.  I earn it all.  He is just spending it.  In outings im not even invited to.  if I were invited i couldnt go as I work. 

In general I think I may just be becoming very resentful of what he is doing..

just a side note this month it will be 5 days he has spent away.  with her.  then 5 days on a boys holiday and 1 day away seeing another friend.

no i dont think it is an affair.

I just think he doesnt respect me anymore.



CLove's picture

Read back to 2021.

You have been through a lot, over these years. Skids still hate you for how you two got together. BM still blames you. You do not need to sacrifice yourself on the altar of failed first family. If its your $$$ you do not need to have it go towards Skids that hate you.

DH can work?

harmony98's picture

You have been on here since i started.  Thank you.

SKIDS still a nightmare.  but the three of us seem to have found a better place.

Just hope it lasts Smile

Winterglow's picture

So you're working your ass off so he can go and fritter your hard-earned cash? The hell with that, lady!

First off, go and talk to a lawyer about how to legally protect your assets. Secondly, talk to a financial adviser on how to get the best from your assets. Thirdly, cut off your dh's access to your finances. Yes, he gets an allowance but that should correspond to his share of the profits, like for any other shareholder. If he wants to spend money on his other woman or swan off on vacation, he has to earn that money first. Hey, sweet deal he's got there. I doubt he'll give up without a fight. While you're talking to your financial adviser, maybe get the business evaluated? You really need to know how much it's worth.

Do you have an iron-clad retirement plan? What would happen to the business if you had an accident, or got seriously ill? Who would run it?

Bottom line, you're the one doing all the work, bringing in the money, it's time for you to start calling the shots. He wants to visit his princess? Then let him work to finance his trips ... He's already squandered more than enough cash, don't you think?