I really guess it depends on what you deem a success.. Everyone deals with adversity with their family.. with their jobs.. with life. So.. success may be relative. I have my complaints at times now.. but generally am happy with my life and have a relationship with my adult SD's. so success? even if things aren't always perfect?
I think you are asking the wrong audience. This is the place for the worst of the worst. I have yet to read about a troubled situation do a 180 into Brady Bunch land.
I consider myself as experiencing a success. My previous married life was torture and I even got diagnosed with C-PTSD. It was THAT bad. A couple of years ago, after 25 years, I threw in the towel and made an exit plan. I didn't tell DH, but he must have picked up on something. He arranged for marital therapy and individual therapy for himself. Then I went to my own therapy. Game-changer!!! We both worked very very hard and completely changed our marriage. I was actually planning on posting an update blog.
But, yeah, the stark contrast in my marriage and life was thanks to intensive therapy. Both spouses have to want each other so much that they're willing to delve deep into their own souls and do some really difficult personal work. Both spouses have to be willing to look within and say to themselves and each other, "I fucked up." Both parties have to be willing to face the scary stuff and even acknowledge the very crappy parts of themselves. It inovled lots of healing of our entire pasts because that's what led us to a marriage that triggers us.
So, yes, it's possible, but it's a marathon and not a sprint and it's one hell of a tough journey. However, I have often said and I'll say it again that "personal work is the hardest one can ever do, but the most rewarding."
If your partner won't go to therapy, do it for yourself.
With one of my stepson's- yes. He lives with us full time, has for about 5 years now and we are all a pretty functioning family. His BM is not in his life and he is an Autistic adult at this point, but it works. We have made a family together.
Is it a success that I don't deal with my other SS anymore? Sure! Less stress this way.
It all depends on what you definition of success is, I guess.
I don't think I have "brought the kids around" or that we have "one big happy family." That is a fantasy that will never be fulfilled. But I do believe I have a successful marriage and the relationship with the skids is tolerable.
I think DH's kids know that he is happy, and they know we are a team. They still pull shenanigans now and then, but at the core, I believe his kids are good people. They are just the result of friend parenting and adult spousal status from BOTH parents. Nothing I can do about that.
I did do something nice for them out of the blue a month or so ago. Both thanked me, and both seemed very confused. It was great.
I think that's a myth, though. I do have a cousin that married a guy older than her parents many, many years ago...he had a little girl that she raised. There was little BM contact and I think that helped. She rode the waves with drug abuse, overdoses and horrible things, but today her marriage is great and the little girl got treatment, married, has 2 beautiful kids of her own and they are a picture of 'success'.
I think that picture is different for each family and the variables at play make such a difference. A wacko or enmeshed BM or in-laws do, too.
I started therapy a couple years ago and I think it's a necessity for me
Yes. I now have a good relationship with all of my skids. SD29 and SS23 are estranged from BioHo (almost 2 years now). SS20 still speaks to and sees 'Ho, but not much. He has been living with us since 'Ho kicked him out when he got sick last year (NOT covid). I was MOG at SS23's wedding. I was MOH at SD26's wedding. SD26, for whatever reason, is forever seeking 'Ho's praise. She's the only one.
I certainly never thought things would have ended up this well when I joined STalk almost 9 years ago.
My first foray into stepparenting was a freaking disaster. But that's mainly because my XH (second husband) was a real live covert narcissist. He was a Disney Dad and mostly concerned about buying the love of his nearly adult children while I subsidized his irresponsible financial behavior. My success is that I GOT OUT.
I'm now with my boyfriend of 4 years and he has one daughter; she's 34 and we get along well enough. This go-around, I chose a better partner. He has his quirks and annoying behaviors, but that's most relationships.
We have lived together for over a year, now. It's going well and we're pretty happy together.
But my biggest success was learning to put myself first. I focus on what I need to do and what makes ME happy. I am a giving, loving and generous person, but I used to be a people pleaser. Now I evaulate every decision I make on whether or not it's in my best interest. I can do that because I'm not married. I am financially independent and pursue my own goals and hobbies. My partner and I do plenty of things together, but these days, I live in the moment and don't stress (much) about the future.
I've known stepdaughters over 15 yrs now. No relationship. Just strangers who share a husband and a father. That's us. We are civil. I had tried for more but that's what I got. It's freeing because I'm done doing for them and especially done doing husband's job for them. I don't lift a finger and now DH is solely responsible for his relationships with them.
Well, we're a big family, anyway. Lol. I dont think our blended family of 5 kids is any happier or unhapper than "normal" families. I'm a big believer in everybody doing their own thing and that includes me. So, if "happy family" means lots of family events, no, that's not our thing. But I have decent one-on-one relationships with them all. If I needed any of them, they'd come. We do have troublesome SD with her personal issues but every family has at least one.
StepFamily gets. Admittedly, our story as far as blended family stories go is extremely simple.
I have no BKs, DW had only one, I am the first person SS ever called Dad(dy).
DW and I met when SS-30 was 15mos old. We married the week before he turned 2yo. When we decided to marry we very early on agreed that we would be equity partners and equity parents to any children in our home/family, regardless of kid biology. With that, I raised SS as my own. I am his dad. Period. Dot.
As it turned out, SS-30 is an only child in our family. He is the eldest of 4 half sibs by three different baby mamas for his Spermidiot. None of the baby mamas married the Spermidiot.
DW and I raised SS with standards of behavior and standards of performance. Aside from some fairly usual teen boy brain fart events, we did not have much struggle raising SS. He was for the most part a very good kid and is an oustanding man that his mom and I are proud to have raised.
We did have 16+ years under a CO battling varying degrees of SpermClan lies, manipulations, and idiocy protecting our son from the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool. Custody attempts, PAS, neglect of SS when he was a toddler, trying to destroy him with guilt over his live Vs the life of his three younger half sibs, etc....
The litmus test of our story is that our son asked me to adopt him when he was 22yo and has gone on to be a viable adult man of honor, performance and standing in his profession and community.
Sadly, his 3 younger half sibs include a welfare entitlement minion (~25) a prison inmate (~23), and the youngest (~22) is not far behind the inmate.
We never lived nearer than about 1200 miles to SpermLand. As a single teen mom DW had full physical and legal custody of SS from birth. Shortly before his 1st B-day DW filed for CS from the Spermidiot. The Judge confirmed full physical and legal custody of SS for my DW. She also recieved a small CS award.
DW graduated from HS on time with her class with SS on her hip. He was born between her Jr. and Sr year. She was 15. The statutory rapist (no convicted) was 23 when SS was born.
Shortly after the court confirmed her full physical and legal custody DW left SpermLand to attend university out of state. That is where we met.
We ended up in court defending an attempt to take custody of SS less than a week after we married and just before SS's 2nd B-day. Court one again upheld full physical and legal custody of SS for my DW. That CO initiated the long distance visitation schedule and the framework for managing the Spermclan for the next 16+ years until SS aged out from under the CO at 18yo.
Visitation was established as 7wks per year. 5Wks summer, 1Wk winter, 1Wk spring. There were a number of 1+ year periods where they refused visiation claiming they could not afford their half of air fare. Long distance visitation IMHO offers a far more stable home life and childhood for a COD and minimizes the interblendedfamily drama, PAS, etc.. Though the SpermClan did their damnedest to pull that crap.
We did not have the drama of EOW/EOWE... visitation, trying to coparent with THEM, or otherwise have to tolerate them polluting our family beyond the PAS, manipulation, and lying to SS during long distance visitation... if they took it.
I would call us... a success story. I am confident that my DW of nearly 29years would agree, and so would our son.
I don't see it ever happening with me, as far as the one big happy family. I would say it is a success story in that SS and his wife are two faced liars and they are out of our lives. We've cut out or limited contact with a few toxic people from my husband's side and mine. SS and his wife would probably be willing to resume a relationship with us again provided we didn't try to hold them accountable for their behavior. They'd love nothing more than to be one fake happy family. No thanks.
We've been accused of holding a grudge over nothing. As if telling lies to get people mad at each other is nothing. A couple of months ago we were given proof that they haven't changed a bit when they lied on my MIL. Until they admit their behavior, apologize, and change, I got no interest in hearing anything they have to say. Even then it would be iffy. I just don't have it in me to trust them. I'll forgive, but forgiveness doesn't equal reconciliation.
After almost 4 decades of investment, it went to shit quick. I could a should a kept my mouth shut. I'm the bad guy, but our bio kids get me. The ten year old grandson is lost to me but there's the control from SS. He learned from the best. My DH has a dejavu life going on. I'm out of it. However, I have a step mom of fifty years and our relationship is going strong. I believe it comes from having healthy families without negative agendas.
I really guess it depends on
I really guess it depends on what you deem a success.. Everyone deals with adversity with their family.. with their jobs.. with life. So.. success may be relative. I have my complaints at times now.. but generally am happy with my life and have a relationship with my adult SD's. so success? even if things aren't always perfect?
If you define success as
If you define success as having a drama-free life and money in the bank thanks to a decade plus of zero skid contact, yes.
My life got much better when I started prioritizing peace over playing Happy Family with sharks.
I think you are asking the
I think you are asking the wrong audience. This is the place for the worst of the worst. I have yet to read about a troubled situation do a 180 into Brady Bunch land.
I consider myself as
I consider myself as experiencing a success. My previous married life was torture and I even got diagnosed with C-PTSD. It was THAT bad. A couple of years ago, after 25 years, I threw in the towel and made an exit plan. I didn't tell DH, but he must have picked up on something. He arranged for marital therapy and individual therapy for himself. Then I went to my own therapy. Game-changer!!! We both worked very very hard and completely changed our marriage. I was actually planning on posting an update blog.
But, yeah, the stark contrast in my marriage and life was thanks to intensive therapy. Both spouses have to want each other so much that they're willing to delve deep into their own souls and do some really difficult personal work. Both spouses have to be willing to look within and say to themselves and each other, "I fucked up." Both parties have to be willing to face the scary stuff and even acknowledge the very crappy parts of themselves. It inovled lots of healing of our entire pasts because that's what led us to a marriage that triggers us.
So, yes, it's possible, but it's a marathon and not a sprint and it's one hell of a tough journey. However, I have often said and I'll say it again that "personal work is the hardest one can ever do, but the most rewarding."
If your partner won't go to therapy, do it for yourself.
With one of my stepson's- yes
With one of my stepson's- yes. He lives with us full time, has for about 5 years now and we are all a pretty functioning family. His BM is not in his life and he is an Autistic adult at this point, but it works. We have made a family together.
Is it a success that I don't deal with my other SS anymore? Sure! Less stress this way.
It all depends on what you definition of success is, I guess.
I don't think I have "brought
I don't think I have "brought the kids around" or that we have "one big happy family." That is a fantasy that will never be fulfilled. But I do believe I have a successful marriage and the relationship with the skids is tolerable.
I think DH's kids know that he is happy, and they know we are a team. They still pull shenanigans now and then, but at the core, I believe his kids are good people. They are just the result of friend parenting and adult spousal status from BOTH parents. Nothing I can do about that.
I did do something nice for them out of the blue a month or so ago. Both thanked me, and both seemed very confused. It was great.
Brady bunch style success?
I think that's a myth, though. I do have a cousin that married a guy older than her parents many, many years ago...he had a little girl that she raised. There was little BM contact and I think that helped. She rode the waves with drug abuse, overdoses and horrible things, but today her marriage is great and the little girl got treatment, married, has 2 beautiful kids of her own and they are a picture of 'success'.
I think that picture is different for each family and the variables at play make such a difference. A wacko or enmeshed BM or in-laws do, too.
I started therapy a couple years ago and I think it's a necessity for me
Yes. I now have a good
Yes. I now have a good relationship with all of my skids. SD29 and SS23 are estranged from BioHo (almost 2 years now). SS20 still speaks to and sees 'Ho, but not much. He has been living with us since 'Ho kicked him out when he got sick last year (NOT covid). I was MOG at SS23's wedding. I was MOH at SD26's wedding. SD26, for whatever reason, is forever seeking 'Ho's praise. She's the only one.
I certainly never thought things would have ended up this well when I joined STalk almost 9 years ago.
How do you define success?
How do you define success?
My first foray into stepparenting was a freaking disaster. But that's mainly because my XH (second husband) was a real live covert narcissist. He was a Disney Dad and mostly concerned about buying the love of his nearly adult children while I subsidized his irresponsible financial behavior. My success is that I GOT OUT.
I'm now with my boyfriend of 4 years and he has one daughter; she's 34 and we get along well enough. This go-around, I chose a better partner. He has his quirks and annoying behaviors, but that's most relationships.
We have lived together for over a year, now. It's going well and we're pretty happy together.
But my biggest success was learning to put myself first. I focus on what I need to do and what makes ME happy. I am a giving, loving and generous person, but I used to be a people pleaser. Now I evaulate every decision I make on whether or not it's in my best interest. I can do that because I'm not married. I am financially independent and pursue my own goals and hobbies. My partner and I do plenty of things together, but these days, I live in the moment and don't stress (much) about the future.
For me, this is success.
Exactly.
I've known stepdaughters over 15 yrs now. No relationship. Just strangers who share a husband and a father. That's us. We are civil. I had tried for more but that's what I got. It's freeing because I'm done doing for them and especially done doing husband's job for them. I don't lift a finger and now DH is solely responsible for his relationships with them.
Big happy family?
Well, we're a big family, anyway. Lol. I dont think our blended family of 5 kids is any happier or unhapper than "normal" families. I'm a big believer in everybody doing their own thing and that includes me. So, if "happy family" means lots of family events, no, that's not our thing. But I have decent one-on-one relationships with them all. If I needed any of them, they'd come. We do have troublesome SD with her personal issues but every family has at least one.
Our blended family adventure is about as unicorn as a
StepFamily gets. Admittedly, our story as far as blended family stories go is extremely simple.
I have no BKs, DW had only one, I am the first person SS ever called Dad(dy).
DW and I met when SS-30 was 15mos old. We married the week before he turned 2yo. When we decided to marry we very early on agreed that we would be equity partners and equity parents to any children in our home/family, regardless of kid biology. With that, I raised SS as my own. I am his dad. Period. Dot.
As it turned out, SS-30 is an only child in our family. He is the eldest of 4 half sibs by three different baby mamas for his Spermidiot. None of the baby mamas married the Spermidiot.
DW and I raised SS with standards of behavior and standards of performance. Aside from some fairly usual teen boy brain fart events, we did not have much struggle raising SS. He was for the most part a very good kid and is an oustanding man that his mom and I are proud to have raised.
We did have 16+ years under a CO battling varying degrees of SpermClan lies, manipulations, and idiocy protecting our son from the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool. Custody attempts, PAS, neglect of SS when he was a toddler, trying to destroy him with guilt over his live Vs the life of his three younger half sibs, etc....
The litmus test of our story is that our son asked me to adopt him when he was 22yo and has gone on to be a viable adult man of honor, performance and standing in his profession and community.
Sadly, his 3 younger half sibs include a welfare entitlement minion (~25) a prison inmate (~23), and the youngest (~22) is not far behind the inmate.
We never lived nearer than about 1200 miles to SpermLand. As a single teen mom DW had full physical and legal custody of SS from birth. Shortly before his 1st B-day DW filed for CS from the Spermidiot. The Judge confirmed full physical and legal custody of SS for my DW. She also recieved a small CS award.
DW graduated from HS on time with her class with SS on her hip. He was born between her Jr. and Sr year. She was 15. The statutory rapist (no convicted) was 23 when SS was born.
Shortly after the court confirmed her full physical and legal custody DW left SpermLand to attend university out of state. That is where we met.
We ended up in court defending an attempt to take custody of SS less than a week after we married and just before SS's 2nd B-day. Court one again upheld full physical and legal custody of SS for my DW. That CO initiated the long distance visitation schedule and the framework for managing the Spermclan for the next 16+ years until SS aged out from under the CO at 18yo.
Visitation was established as 7wks per year. 5Wks summer, 1Wk winter, 1Wk spring. There were a number of 1+ year periods where they refused visiation claiming they could not afford their half of air fare. Long distance visitation IMHO offers a far more stable home life and childhood for a COD and minimizes the interblendedfamily drama, PAS, etc.. Though the SpermClan did their damnedest to pull that crap.
We did not have the drama of EOW/EOWE... visitation, trying to coparent with THEM, or otherwise have to tolerate them polluting our family beyond the PAS, manipulation, and lying to SS during long distance visitation... if they took it.
I would call us... a success story. I am confident that my DW of nearly 29years would agree, and so would our son.
I don't see it ever happening
I don't see it ever happening with me, as far as the one big happy family. I would say it is a success story in that SS and his wife are two faced liars and they are out of our lives. We've cut out or limited contact with a few toxic people from my husband's side and mine. SS and his wife would probably be willing to resume a relationship with us again provided we didn't try to hold them accountable for their behavior. They'd love nothing more than to be one fake happy family. No thanks.
We've been accused of holding a grudge over nothing. As if telling lies to get people mad at each other is nothing. A couple of months ago we were given proof that they haven't changed a bit when they lied on my MIL. Until they admit their behavior, apologize, and change, I got no interest in hearing anything they have to say. Even then it would be iffy. I just don't have it in me to trust them. I'll forgive, but forgiveness doesn't equal reconciliation.
That depends on what your
That depends on what your definition of family is.
We dont play that "family is family, no matter what", BS a lot of families do. -
Went to Shit
After almost 4 decades of investment, it went to shit quick. I could a should a kept my mouth shut. I'm the bad guy, but our bio kids get me. The ten year old grandson is lost to me but there's the control from SS. He learned from the best. My DH has a dejavu life going on. I'm out of it. However, I have a step mom of fifty years and our relationship is going strong. I believe it comes from having healthy families without negative agendas.