Help

Melly75's picture

Help my 3 adult step children dis like me. I’ve tried being kind, I’ve tried being welcoming, I’ve tried to avoid them but nothing works. Me and their father are very happy but it is putting a strain on us as I get so upset over it. Any suggestions would be helpful 

justmakingthebest's picture

Yep... They know that they are getting to you. Just live your best life with your husband and be happy. 

HOPEFULLY none of them live with you and as long as that is the case, you don't need them. 

Merry's picture

You can’t make them like you. If you’re trying to prove that you are a nice person or if you’re doing things to try to sway their opinion of you, stop those things. You don’t need their approval, and you just make yourself crazy. 

And realize that this is probably not about you at all. They wouldn’t like anyone who is their dad’s partner. 

It might take some time to retrain yourself to say “that’s nice” etc. when their father talks about them. But many of us here can tell you it’s possible and a sanity saver. 

notasm3's picture

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. 

I haven’t seen or spoken to SS34 in 2 years. Haven’t even spoken his name. Works beautifully. 

Want2's picture

So what happens between you and them? Are they blatantly rude or just cold? Have there been words exchanged? You say it’s putting a strain on your marriage, what does that mean exactly? Are you arguing? What does your husband say when you are so upset?

Melly75's picture

It’s only just started to put a strain on me and my other half as I get upset over it. They are very manipulative and try to cause problems by being sly. For some odd reason they keep trying to get me my partner and their mother together by inviting us all out together which I think is odd. They are very rude and are constantly trying to get their father to do things without me ie not including me. I’ve always made them feel welcome but nothing is good enough they treat me and my home with little respect it doesn’t sound a lot but it’s starting to get worse 

Melly75's picture

He thinks I’m to sensitive and should let it go and he sees them as kids even though they are 28, 21 and 19. I’d be ashamed if they were mine their manners are appalling and they have no loyalty or respect for anyone 

Britmum's picture

I know it's easier said than done but stop caring. If they make things awkward at meetings then don't go. When they make arrangements without you then use the time to do something for yourself.

Remember the saying "you can pick your friends but not your family" well your OH picked you, he's just stuck with them.

Maxwell09's picture

You are all adults. What do you do when someone at work doesn't like you after you tried to be friendly with them? You move on. It's there choice as adults to like who they want, just know that it isn't YOU. You have done nothing and anything they feel is from their own perspective and history with their dad and their past together. You stick with him, you ignore their catty comments if there are any, and you do the pleasant "hi" "bye" at important events/holidays that you would do to any stranger walking the streets. You don't have to like them and you most certainly can live without them liking you. 

still learning's picture

Years ago a poster of adult skids said something that has stuck with me; something to the effect, 

"I've made the skids a side dish rather than the main entree."  

This is how I approach adult skids. My plate is full. I have my own life, my own kids, my own marriage and home. Honestly I have very little time for them but I'll make a little room for DH's sake...if I feel like it.  I know that if our relationship ends I won't have anything to do with them nor them with me since there's no shared siblings.  I wish them the best and am polite and hospitable to them as I would be to any stranger or guest, but I no longer seek their approval.  They don't like me? Wah. I have better things to do than cry over spilt adult skids affections.  

 

 

CANYOUHELP's picture

Welcome to the club, you are not alone. Most of us tried way to much to make it work.  Like you, reality set in and we realized it would never work, given a daddeeee cannot get them to respect him, primarily. If they do not respect his wishes, you/we are set up for a hopeless dynamic and we are forced to disengage.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

In steplife, you're kind of on your own because everyone involved has their own agenda and is looking out for himself. You can't rely on anyone to have your best interests in mind, not even your H, so you have to stand strong, deal in reality, be willing to assert your rights, and not accept the unacceptable.

Most men are concerned primarily with their own comfort, and often dismiss problems thinking if they ignore them, they'll go away. Your H is going with the flow because it's easiest, and he wants you to put up with bad behavior and mistreatment because it keeps things limping along. Sadly common stuff.

You spoke of being upset by this, but emotion won't help like logic and reason will. This whole situation is crying out for boundaries and a father/husband who can be a leader. Kids manipulate and misbehave because they're allowed to. 

I know much of this is general, but I hope it helps. Please keep posting, and hang in there.

MissTexas's picture

Of the same. You must know you are NOT the problem. Like most here, these DH's have failed miserably in the parenting department. They have given money, posessions, everything but themselves and their time, therefore, many respond to the guilting behaviors that have been thrust upon them by their offspring. (I hesitate to say "Kids" because they are adult age, but many are emotionally stunted). When these DH's discount their wives feelings, and point the finger and turn a blind eye, I agree, it is about their comfort level, no matter how upsetting it is to you. They get to continue to appear to be the "good guy" who doesn't make waves, or cause strife, all the while, it festers just beneath the surface. Eventually things will come to a head and explode, and if he's anything like most, he will cast blame upon anyone and everyone but himself, playing the "victim." These men and their sick dynamic with their offspring ARE THE PROBLEM. To the untrained eye, it can be mistaken for him being a caring, great father, when in actuality these family members have danced the emotional  "Tarantella" throughout their lives. They've elected to function in dysfunction and enablement. SKs guilt DH's into getting what they want, even if it costs these men their peace, health,  and eventually their marriages. Blood really is thicker than water, and as Exjuliemccoy affirms, each has a specific agenda, looking out ONLY for themselves, and if you don't get one for yourself, you are destined to become a casualty. It's very sad we, as wives and women, have to think like this, but when you suddently realize nothing is about you, then you have to make it about you on some level. Survival dictates that must happen. My reality recently opened my eyes to the little shop of horrors regarding SKs, DHs and their sick triangulated enmeshment.

I wish you well.