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Need to Vent/EVIL SS

summerlovin22396's picture

I have been married to my husband for almost 5 years. This was my first marriage, his 3rd. He has two bio children from two other marriages. One SD (20) and one SS(13) they were 15 and 8 respectively when we got married. I have one child, a daughter, from a previous relationship who is now 8.

I never wanted to marry someone who had children but I guess you can’t help who you fall in love with, right? From the very beginning I knew that his kids had some “issues”. His daughter (whom he had full custody of) was always depressed, hateful, disrespectful, etc. She pretty much treated me like crap the entire time she lived with us. She was/is a filthy pig but she doesn’t live with us anymore so she is a non-issue at this point so I will focus on the evil ss.

This boy has always been very jealous, violent, manipulative, hateful, spiteful, disrespectful and just plain mean to me and my daughter. My daughter always get some kind of injury when they play together. He bullies her non-stop. He tells her very mean things and does anything he can to lower her self-esteem. He has never accepted me either. It doesn’t/didn’t matter what I did to try to make them accept or even like me, it never is enough. I’ve tried so many times thinking it was me and not them. I realize now, it’s the kid, not me. SS is weird and has been diagnosed with OCD as well as depression for which he WAS being treated for however his parents decided to take him off of the medication (it didn’t help anyway). His father has had mental issues since he was 17 (he’s 40 now). The kid will not look at me, speak to me, or even acknowledge that I exist. I’ve seen him antagonize our dog just so he could slap the crap out of her for getting rough with him (SS didn’t know I was watching). If I cook dinner he will not eat it. His dad can’t even go to the bathroom where the kid isn’t stalking him outside our bedroom door. He follows him around everywhere he goes and if my daughter were to get physically close to my husband, kid will make sure it doesn’t last long. Every time I try to bring this up to husband, it always ends in a fight and him telling me it’s my fault because I’m the adult. He doesn’t see any issues at all with either of his children. Over the last few months things had gotten much worse. The kid had started going into my daughters room at night after she went to sleep to “scare” her. My daughter would cry on the way to school in the mornings and tell me about it. This put a huge strain on my husband and I relationship because my little girl was being abused and harassed and he saw nothing wrong with it. The kids bedrooms are all upstairs and I was so concerned about this, I began to let her sleep in the living room downstairs so she could be closer to me. One night about 3 weeks ago I woke up around 2:00 a.m. to use the bathroom. All the lights were of downstairs, the tv wasn’t even on. SS is walking around the living room in the pitch dark! I had been scared for my daughters safety for a very long time, almost since the beginning, and this incident proved to me that everything I thought about this kid was real and not something I was over-reacting about. My husband always makes excuses for both of his kids. He never would take up for me. Ever. It had gotten to the point where I would do anything to avoid seeing either one of them. I would hide in my bedroom and make sure that I had my eyes on my daughter every time he (SS) came around. After the 2:00 a.m. incident and my daughter confiding in me about how ugly her sb had been treating her, I made my mind up to get out of the situation. I moved out about 2 weeks ago and she and I have been so happy ever since. I no longer have to live in fear in my own home and even better, neither does my little girl. We are so happy right now and I vow to NEVER let that kid back in our lives. My husband wants to go to counseling, but we have already tried that and when she told him SS needed serious help, he wouldn’t listen to her. Plus, he would have to agree to live with us and be somewhere else when he gets his son. And? After years of him allowing his childrent to run over me, I don’t think I want him back. In fact, I don’t miss him at all.

Am I really “evil” after everything I put up with? I also have a HUGE amount of resentment for my husband for allowing his children to walk all over us and control our marriage the way he did. No, I don’t miss that situation at all! This is just the tip of the iceberg with disturbing things his son has said and done. There isn’t enough room on this forum to put everything in.

HeavenOnlyKnows's picture

Congrats to you for getting out when you did- and I hope you enjoy your new life without your ss. The kid sounds really disturbed and you absolutely did the right thing by removing your daughter from the situation. I don't think you are "evil" at all, but I do think you're a great mom for putting your child's well-being first and not allowing her to stay in an environment where she was being mistreated.

Just J's picture

Oh my god no, to the millionth degree, you are not evil! Your SS is the evil one and the more I read your post, the more alarmed I got! And I was sooooo happy to read that you got you and your DD out of that situation. Your poor daughter, no little girl should have to live like that.

I don't blame you at all for being resentful toward your H. I would be too! He is blind and an idiot to not see what his son was doing and to just expect you and your daughter to live with his behavior. Something like that could traumatize your DD for a long time. No kid deserves that. And it's very alarming to me that your H won't even take the word of a therapist that his son needs help. Does he think his son's behavior is normal? That's frightening.

Good for you for doing the right thing for your daughter and yourself. Your H is in for a world of hurt if he continues to ignore his son's disturbing behavior. His son is going to end up in prison someday. You don't need to stick around and watch that unravel. Or continue to watch your H bury his head in the sand. That's just insane. The fact that you and your DD are happy and you don't miss him should validate even more that you did the right thing. Good luck to you!

summerlovin22396's picture

Gosh, you guys are AWESOME! Yes, I made my mind up to leave in order to protect my daughter. I do love my husband very much but I have to be honest, this wasn't a hard decision for me to make. Since we have been out, we both sleep really well at night. Me because I don't have to worry about him sneaking into her room and harrassing her at night and my DD because she doesn't have to worry about being terrorized!

Orange County Ca's picture

All was bad with him and all is good now.

This kid is going to hurt someone and himself perhaps seriously sooner rather than later. You need to be sure it isn't you or your kid. I would go so far as to say only a evil parent would have stayed but evil isn't the correct word.

You stay away permanently.

ctnmom's picture

Your FIRST priority is your daughter. You shouldn't have let it get that bad- sorry, but you know it's the truth . And ANY MALE going into my DD's room at night would get testicle punched so hard, it would turn them from a turkey to a hen. Don't make your daughter be in SS's presence ever again.

IAMGOOD's picture

I am sorry for what you have been thru.
You did what you had to do for your daughter.
Marrying someone with kids can be a nightmare especially when the dad has no nuts.
Best to you and your daughter!!!


misSTEP's picture

You needed to protect your daughter AND yourself from (at LEAST) the train wreck coming...if not out and out molestation or serious injury. That is really really creepy.

YOU ARE NOT EVIL FOR PROTECTING YOUR FAMILY (which is only the ones who have your back in a pinch, i.e. NOT your hubby).

HeavenOnlyKnows's picture

And you know what, it's totally okay for you to love your husband. IT'S OKAY. It's NOT okay for an innocent little girl to be constantly harassed in her own home. You're the only one who's looking out for your little girl and I am so, so glad that you made the safest decision for her.

I don't think you would have been "evil" if you had stayed, but I do think that would have been an incredibly selfish decision. I feel like these days, far too many people think it's okay to be selfish and they put their partners above their children. As a child of abuse, I just want to say THANK YOU for putting your child first, and not putting a man before her. THANK YOU for getting her out of a very dangerous situation. THANK YOU for being the kind of mom every child deserves to have. THANK YOU for putting her safety above the feelings you have for some guy. I genuinely, truly am so glad that you made the decision you did. Please don't beat yourself up over this; far more parents should be like you.

summerlovin22396's picture

That is the sweetest thing to say and you have made my day! I love my child and would never put anything or anyone before her. There was pure evil in that home. I just hope other things didn't happen that I don't know about, yet. Someone else posted that if SS would have gone into their DD room they would have punched him in the nuts (or something like that) and believe me, the thought entered my mind a few times. I will never, ever, ever marry someone again who has kids unless the kids are grown and maybe not even then. lol.

AllySkoo's picture


You did EXACTLY what you should have done - got your daughter out of a horrible situation. I agree, too many parents stay and try to "make it work" while their kids are abused by their step siblings or even step parents, posters like that make me nuts. I am SO GLAD that you already left, for your daughter's sake!!

summerlovin22396's picture

Thank you so much! NO man is worth the safety of our childrent, no woman for that matter. As soon as she started tell me he was coming into her room after she went to sleep, I made my mind up to leave. I had to save my money and find a home (took me a couple of weeks) and in the meantime he was not allowed to even speak to her and she slept downstairs if he was there. Most of the time over the last weeks we made exuses not to be there. I left him with my big beautiful house that we built together. I hope he and that kid have a nice and happy life together! I'm not going back. Signed a 3 year lease at my new home. Couldn't be happier.

summerlovin22396's picture

I would also like to add that there is not another man in the picture. I love my husband and even though I know things aren't going to work out, it's going to take me a long time to get over all this.

HeavenOnlyKnows's picture

Mmm Hmm and amen! I fully support trying to make relationships work- as long as there are not issues of infidelity or abuse at play. The thing is, your daughter was clearly being... I can't say "abused" because I don't know what went on in your home, but she was surely put in a situation that no child should have to be in, especially not at the tender age of 8 when she isn't physically strong enough to defend herself from her psychotic step-brother. And yes, the boy sounds clinically psychotic. I'm not trying to be cute here or exaggerate words- based on everything you've written I think he has some VERY serious issues, and his parents need to address that before he hurts someone. My ex was diagnosed with bipolar disorder as well as a personality disorder- he was put on anti-psychotic medication and when he went off his meds it was NOT a joke. People with these types of illnesses HURT other people- and I am not a professional, obviously I can't diagnose your ss but please try to make sure this kid is checked out, because his behavior is honestly very scary. I am SO very glad you and your child are away from that environment. I only hope the boy's father is receptive to getting him some help but the way you describe things, it doesn't sound very promising. You can't fix what you didn't break, hun, but I do hope your DH will listen when you say his boy has ISSUES.

Can you just imagine, being 8 years old, small, not much muscular strength, and a Teenage Boy sneaking into your room at night and making threats or demands or God only knows what else? Can you imagine feeling that little and vulnerable and someone trying to exert their authority over you? The thought is terrifying and I am So Glad your baby girl doesn't have to live with that over her head anymore. Please, if you do anything else, please try to get that boy some help. While it is totally NOT your responsibility, you may just save some other little girl having to go through what your child did. Your SS is sick, literally sick in the head, and I really think that you trying to get him some counseling may actually make a difference. Let's just pray that his parents agree.

summerlovin22396's picture

Thank you so much for your encouraging words! I did insist the boy get help a couple of years ago and they did take him to see someone who diagnosed him with OCD and Depression. They put him on Zoloft but it only lasted about 6 months. His parents took him off of it. THe zoloft wasn't working anyway.

Amber Miller's picture

God you are strong. Your daughter is so lucky to have a mom like you. I know its hard but you will always feel good about putting your child first.

One Step Back's picture

Good for you! You've done the right thing for you and your daughter, you've proved that by being happy after so long of being miserable.

No one has the right to treat other humans like your SS did and no one has the right to condone it like your husband did.

You will eventually find yourself a nice man who will love and cherish both of you and perhaps restore your faith in human nature.

AA0708's picture

That does not make you a bad person. I got married to a man that is the same way his oldest daughter hates my daughter. She is very jealous of her and always hits her, and bullies her with her younger sister. My stepdaughters live with us too. You needed to leave for your own sanity.

hangingbyathread6's picture

I married a man with two sons. I love my SSs, or should say I did. My oldest SS is such a manipulating, conniving liar who will say and do anything to get himself out of trouble or get what he wants. He's 14. It's progressively gotten worse over the last 3 1/2 yrs and this past Thursday he crossed a line. I had my DH and both SSs move out and go to stay with MIL. My DH and youngest SS still come over and be with me and my 3 children but I do to want my oldest SS around my children. Not until he has completed some counseling and some work at repairing the damage he has done. My DH and I are also to start counseling along with the other kids to work through issues caused by the oldest SS.

I have to say, although it hurts to not have DH here with us, I don't miss the tension that seemed to be always present when oldest SS was around. Who knows....maybe this will become a permanent setup.

summerlovin22396's picture

Thank you so much! I do know he will never get the help he needs because dh never saught help for his daughter and she is so messed up it's not even funny. We are so happy and the stress that was an every day event for us is gone and we will be much better for it in the long run. It is hard when you have to leave your home and the person you love but I had to do it to protect my child and I am not sorry for it and never will be.

summerlovin22396's picture

So now DH and I are supposed to go to counseling on the 17th. While I love my DH more than (almost) anything I just don’t see this working out. He still refuses to take any responsibility for his role in this break up and refuses to see any issues at all with his kid. In fact he says that the way ss13 acts is all my fault. That I don’t deserve his respect and DH will not demand him respect me until I earn it? I have bent over backwards for his kids I have done everything I know to do to get them to like me, it just got to the point where nothing was ever enough so I gave up a couple of years ago. Why beat a dead horse, right? Then he tells me that he doesn’t believe that SS13 was going into my DD8 bedroom at night and if he was he didn’t mean anything by it. He told me that his hormones haven’t kicked in so there was nothing to worry about! I want so badly to believe that I am overreacting about this whole situation but I know deep down in my heart, I’m not. But what if I am?

summerlovin22396's picture

DH and I had our first counseling apt yesterday since I left, absolutley a waste of my $40 co-pay. The man is in TOTAL denial.

summerlovin22396's picture

That just sucks.

I don't know. We are suppose to go next week but I just don't see the point. As is stood, we only had SS13 every weekend. Now DH wants to get him full-time so he doesn't have to pay child support to BM. After everything we have been through and continue to go through he want's to further complicate the situation by taking the kid in full-time. ABSOLUTLEY ZERO respect for me or what we are going through. I give up at this point. I don't know what another session would possibly be able to accomplish.

AllySkoo's picture

No. You didn't move out because you guys weren't communicating, or because you were fighting, or even because of cheating or something. You moved out because your daughter's safety was being compromised. No marriage counseling is going to fix that. The only thing that *might* is if your DH got your SS into counseling himself and agreed that he would not spend the night again until you and your daughter felt comfortable with it. Since that is clearly not happening, the marriage counseling is pointless. I'm sorry!

summerlovin22396's picture

I am so sad to say that you are 100% right. I'm going to have to come to peace with the fact that my marriage is over. It's been very hard for me but I know in my heart that I did the right thing. It's just over. And it really sucks, because we love each other very much. I guess he just didn't love me enough to demand that his kids respect me if for nothing else but for being and adult and his wife. And I guess he didn't love me enough to put our marriage first.