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New here & struggling

Cinders1980's picture

I’ve just joined this site as I’ve come to a point where I do not know where to turn. I think i could do with counselling but sadly I can’t afford that right now so I’m hoping you guys can help.

My story is long like most of you I expect but a brief view:

my husband and I have been together for 12 years and have an 8 year old son. My husband has 3 children who are 30,24&21. The 2 oldest have generally been ok, the odd issue here and there but generally ok.

The youngest I am not sure what to do next.... We’ve always kept in contact and seen her right from the beginning but naturally as she got older friends took over and she wanted to see them instead. Over time she’s grown up and has a boyfriend and a full time job and she now seems to resent us. Even when she was small the time we all shared was hard work, she is very much a mummies girl and mummy hates us without good reason but that’s another story. She has always been hard work to make conversation with and the time has never been fun as such.

Shes been nasty to me in the past and sent horrible messages etc but I’ve brushed it under the carpet as she’s my husbands daughter and I want them to have a relationship however she doesn’t keep in touch with us, she never texts, calls or visits etc. We often ask her over even though she is well aware she is always welcome because we can’t visit her as she lives with her mother...

However we get sarcastic responses like ‘you are always busy’ and things like that. She shares posts of Facebook knowing I will see them and they say things like ‘don’t feel guilty for not visiting people, they don’t visit hou’ This upsets me as I’ve always made her feel welcome and I’ve always encouraged her relationship with her dad. She accuses us of not seeing her.... how can we if she doesn’t come over and we can’t visit her..

How do we deal with this situation, there is obviously a whole long story that goes with it but I would bore you and be here all day typing!


thanks so much 

fairyo's picture

She is an adult and free to malke her own choices- that is the hard thing for parents to accept sometimes, but as a stepmum it really shouldn't be too big a deal for you. I suspect she is jealous that her place as baby has been taken by your son and she is behaving like a baby. Don't buy into that kind of infantile behaviour- you haven't mentioned what your DH thinks of this and if he is ok with it (sort of) then you should be too. I suspect the long story may need telling at some point and we're willing to hear it. Welcome to the site.

Cinders1980's picture

Thank you so much for your reply.


ny husband I can tell is sad that they don’t have the relationship he has with his other daughter but he says she is as she is and we can’t change her so let her be. He takes the moaning and the being made to feel guilty very well but i take things to heart and find it quite upsetting.

Militarywife1989's picture

There will come a time when she will realise how silly she has been and that once you become an adult contact / communication is a two way street. 

DH should not take this to heart and needs to look at it as her growing and learning at the moment deep down she will know hes always there. However if he keeps taking it to heart hes setting himself up for disappointment all the time. 


Try posting invites on social media if she wants to behave like that, she cant deny the effort if its in plain site to see 

marblefawn's picture

Stop looking at her Facebook page.

Facebook is a one-way "conversation" -- she writes something that's not true, and you have no way to deny it. It's just to provoke you and it works. Vow that you won't give her a chance to say what she wants without a forum for you to respond. She's a childish coward. Just stop looking.

Beyond that, I don't think there's much you can do. You have OK relationships with the other two -- that your proof that it's possible with skids who are willing and it's not you.

Cinders1980's picture

Thanks so much for your comment, I’m not checking her out on Facebook, it just came up on my wall this morning - a post she had shared. Like someone else says perhaps I should just unfriend her then I won’t see anything.


thanks so much 

Missingme's picture

Yes, definitely stop looking at her FB because that's exactly what she wants and it's manipulating both you and your husband.  I learned to stop doing that long ago, although I will admit to looking ocassionally, but never tell my hubby what they're saying and doing.  They assume I'm relaying all their crap to make their dad feel badly--not happening.  Now, it's obvious to me that your youngest skid is jealous of you and your son and feels like you've taken over her spot.  The only thing I would do if I were you is continue being pleasant, but ignore the digs if you can and address the digs if they're downright in your face.  Your husband must ultimately be the one to lower the boom on the disrespect.  It's his "child" being disrespectful and so he should nip it in the bud once and for all, or repeatedly.  Hang in there.  Being a SM is one of the most difficult things one be, or maybe I should say, not be.  Beee

tog redux's picture

Unfriend her on Facebook, block her on YOUR phone, and let DH deal with his daughter as he sees fit.

She may mature, or she may have been alienated by BM and keep her distance for a long time if not forever. Follow your husband's lead in accepting who she is and not letting it get to you.

Missingme's picture

YES, the BM's are almost always behind this foolery.  Jealous, scourned, envious, nosey and or just plain mean BM's!  

still learning's picture

"I want them to have a relationship..."

Then let them have THEIR relationship and stay out of it.

"she doesn’t keep in touch with us"

You have to realize that there often is no "us" when skids look at stepparent. She has a mother that she is close to so she may not see the need to be close to you and clearly doesn't see you and DH as a unit.  

"We often ask her over..."

You've got to drop the "we", stop pursing this girl who obviously does not want a relationship with you. She may not even want a relationship with her father but that is his issue since it's his child. 

I've been in a similar situation as you with an adult skid who rejects their parent. The thing I learned is that skid and bio parents issues are ancient and had nothing to do with me. I just happened to walk onto the scene of the accident long after it happened. Skids often punish a bioparent indefinitley for daring to remarry, it has nothing to do with the actual person they remarry but just the fact that they dared bring another person into their lives.  

Leave her be, let your DH deal with her.  Disengage silently, live your life and enjoy your family.  

Cinders1980's picture

Thank you all.

i think the general feeling I am getting here is to leave her be and let my husband deal with the situation as he pleases. I’ve been told this by my best friend but I knew that joining on here I would find people in the same situation who can understand how I feel.

Thank you so much xx

sandye21's picture

Let DH deal with her, disengage from all of her immature behavior. and concentrate on positive, non-toxic relationships.

Merry's picture

Stop trying so hard. She’s taking up way too much space in your head. 

Your DH can have a relationship with her. LetHIM do the work. Works beautifully for me. 

DH said to me the other day, “have we missed SD’s birthday?” I said, “I don’t know. I wasn’t there. Wasn’t the cobbler good tonight?” It felt great.

Cobbler. Now I’m hungry. 

CANYOUHELP's picture

You will regret not throwing in the towel sooner on this relationship. Do yourself a huge favor, block her from everything and let daddeeeee continue to raise his selfish brat.  SHE is not your responsiblity, if she were she would likely behave in some civil manner.  These adult kids have never had proper parenting, so 101 respect is not to be expected.  Daddee will never correct them and he never has, even before you came along.  It is all the same old story.  But one of which you were never a character and give them what they want---you away.  Thank them every day you have peace from their nastiness and sickness.