Some thing, like not cutting hair with out other parent knowledge. You should of asked before taking that apron it yourself.  Peacefully you should talk it out 

I’m so glad BM is letting DHs little warped household rot to hell. I don’t even clean her kids nasty bathroom. I don’t care if her kids look like Sasquatch. They have no manners at DHs house because he has no manners himself.

Read around this site and you will see it brought up time and again. Moving forward DH will have to decide if he wants to fight the battle.

The best piece of advice you will get from this site is to ignore the BM. If she is high conflict, she is looking for attention. Every time you give it to her you are feeding her addiction and giving her what she wants. Let DH handle all communication with her and it will make your life so much better.

Was it a first haircut? I would assume at 4, the girl has had haircuts before. If it wss a first haircut, a milestone to some, I can understand why mom would be upset.  Truthfully, my ex knows I would not be thrilled if he took our DD to get her haircut without me so we always coordinate.  But I wouldn't start a fight over it if he took her without me.

been there.  BM never ever took SD to have her hair cut. The only thing that happened was that SD's cousin who was a trainee hairdresser at the time, trimmed it when she visited. This was about every six months. SD did not want to get her hair cut as she wanted cousin to do it. DH asked, she said no cousin will do it blah blah.

So, one weekend she came back from eowe stay and the cousin had been at her hair. It was completely lopsided, still almost the same length, not much taken off but more on one side than the other. SD said she could see something was wrong with it and it was uneven. I then made the stupid mistake, this was the early days, the days of innocence as i call them, and engaged. I looked at it and said yep, its lopsided. Would you like me to even it up ? all it will be is 1/4" off the left side just to make it even? Or wait until you see her again ? (could be another 6 months and IF she has her hair cutting eqpt with her.

So, she said yes and I did the deed. You couldn't actually see any difference except that it was not uneven now. But wow, what did SD do? She went to BM's the next visit and told her how i had 'cut her hair'... i can't remember the Orc Bit*h's exact words but she went for me about how dare I?  To DH not me as i have never let her have any way to contact me. I would love to have engaged with her and asked her how she had the cheek to be angry with me when she didnt take SD for a haircut and her niece had messed it up, plus also who was it that had to spend 2 hours of her time picking nits out of that filthy head of wiry thick long hair because she as the 'mother' had not noticed that during her 1 month summer stay at hers had picked up nits? NEVER EVER AGAIN did I engage in this crap. BM would never had noticed is the mealy mouthed sh*t stirring SD had not opened her mouth.

Hair, despite the fact that many BM's are too lazy to see to it themselves it drives them insane if we even touch it. Same with the 'periods' thing, they don't teach about it themselves but have a fit if you try to talk to the brat about it. I learned my lesson.

Never do anything for a skid.

Hair cuts are a cardinal sin in the step world.  Especially if the skids are only with your partner every other weekend.  It's one of those unspoken things...you can read many a blog here about it.  The BM2 I deal with lives in another country, only sees SS15 for 2 weeks out of the year and only talks to him once a week for 5-15 mins.  Even she has moaned about his hair cuts.  I told DH then she can feel fry to fly out here and spend her own money (dawg forbid!) and take him herself for a haircut.  Otherwise IDGAF.

Dh gets worked up when BM would take SS to get his hair cut because it was always crooked or too short or just all sorts of bad. Like I told him, if you are so worried about it, then DO IT YOURSELF! It’s funny how these things aren’t important until someone takes the option to do it away from them. 

OP, if that is your step daughter in your picture, you may want to remove it.  This is not a private site.  

Hair cuts seem to be such a trigger, I remember about a year ago SS hair was ridiculous, it needed a cut, apparently BM had always taken him to her friend to get it cut, but hadn't in months, she was always crying poverty so while we were out and about one weekend DH took SS to get his hair cut, big, big mistake on so many levels. SS started whining about not wanting anyone but mom's friend to cut his hair, DH put his foot down and said he was getting a haircut. He was fussing so much I said, come on and get the haircut so we can go get Starbucks, he got his haircut and even said he really liked it. The next day we drop him off and we have barely driven a mile away and DH phone starts blowing up, how dare he get SS haircut, that is their thing, he got in her car and burst into tears because it looks so bad, he doesn't want to go anywhere, and she was telling the judge that I bribed him to get a haircut with Starbucks!!! I was livid, as was DH. Fast forward a couple months and SS hair is atrocious again, DH tells SS we are going to get his hair cut, all the sudden he doesn't want to go shopping, his stomach hurts, etc. and he goes into his room and closes the door. Within minutes DH's phone starts blowing up, it's BM, she just wants to let DH know that SS has an appointment with her friend to get his haircut in a few days. SS locked himself in his bedroom and called his mom to tell on us. DH told both SS and BM that if SS's hair wasn't cut by the next time he was with us he was taking him to get it cut.......guess what? It wasn't cut, and since then she has never taken him for a haircut, it has fully become our responsibility.

She brought her niece to like one of the three softball games she showed up to a year ago. The Niece said she likes me and that I'm cool. BM started literally throwing a tantrum (she was crying) I ask if she's okay, I literally got cussed out. That was cool...

BioHo did not fuss at me directly - she was blocked from my phone from the beginning!

She did, however, pitch a fit about me baking cookies from scratch for the boys. That's right - baking cookies from scratch. That's when she DEMANDED that DH return her grandmother's stand mixer - the one she hadn't needed for 6 whole years. I never used that stand mixer - I'd been using a hand mixer. But... DH gave it to her AND bought me a KitchenAid. 

Once, my SO, who I don't live with, had a bedbug problem. So while he was paying for extermination and everything was packed in sealed boxes, he had SD16 stay with her mom. They usually have 50/50 custody, week on/week off. He was staying with me during the spraying period with the total treatment lasting about a month. Well, BM bitched about me to SO because I wouldn't let SD16 stay with me during that time. Uh, I don't have a spare bedroom and SD has a fully functionning bedroom at her Mother's place, why wouldn't she stay there?

It's as if BM resented having her own DD with her! She was so busy trying to criticise everything I did, that she didn't even realize how bad that made her look!

Now, we were lucky that we didn't get into this spat with BM.... but there were other times.

Now, in your situation... I would have said it wasn't you but the child's father.. and you are pretty sure he doesn't have to ask permission to take his child for a haircut. (check the CO though..lol).

It's not only in step families that this is an issue though.  My DH's niece was down to my inlaws this past weekend and her 2yo was sporting a short cut.  We asked when she got it done and niece rolled her eyes and said her mother did it to the girl when she was watching her... did not ask her daughter's permission to cut the grandchild's hair.! THAT is overstepping.

Now, I did get a mild blessing out for taking the girls to get pedicures.  I was going for myself and figured they would enjoy the pampering too.  i was told it was mom's place to take them to these places...shoot.. they didn't hardly put any polish on or anything.. NOTHING permanent.  sheesh... just trying to be nice.

I also got cussed out for trying to prevent the YSD from getting held back in school due to excessive absences.  Her mom would keep her out whole days and especially when she had DR appts.  Since I had all the documentation for the Dr visits through EOB's from the insurance company.. I was trying to get some of them turned from unexcused to excused.. and she told me to butt out that the girls were none of my business.  I was doing it on behalf of their father at his request and yes.. lady if these girls don't graduate.. they WILL be a dependent longer.. so yes my business too.  Plus I paid for their insurance.

Yes. BM flipped out when I painted skid’s toenails, once. Skid was maybe 6? That resulted in BM chewing DH out, informing him that momjeans was not to touch skid - ever. 

Stupid.

BM is the same way. DH took MSD (probably 10 then) and she wanted a cute bob haircut. ALL MSD'S CHOICE. BM lost it. Not 6 months later did BM take MSD and pay $100+ to get pink and purple streaks in it. Which promptly washed out. I thought it was hilarious. 

There is no reason that BM has more say over what happens to a child's hair then the father. EVER. 

I had a fit when SM chopped our daughter's hair off. It was waist length and she was brought back to me with an uneven bob that SM had done herself. Kiddo didn't want a haircut (we trimmed it regularly) and SM is not a hairdresser. So I had to spend money to get it fixed and deal with the upset kid. 

I fussed very rarely at my ex. Failure to tell your MIL that our child has food allergies while she has her for the weekend? Yeah. I fussed. Because it was irresponsible and because I was the one who had a stranger calling in the middle of the night because said child was ill and needed to be picked up. I also didn't know he was out of town. 

Bleaching hair for hair dye? I fussed. Once again, SM saw herself as some sort of professional stylist and I spent weeks getting their hair back to school allowed colors. 

So maybe 6 times in 17 years I have really blown my top or even fussed. I am relatively "live and let live." 

BM got mad that we wouldn't allow her to facetime with SS in our bedroom. Yep... our room. SS isn't even allowed in our room! Why the hell would BM be allowed in there??? 

BM feels safer raging on you than anyone else. Why? Simply because she CAN. There is no logic to it. She obviously is super jealous and needed a scapegoat.

As to what is the stupidest thing that T HC GU BM has fussed over? Hmm, she doesnt really do much for her kids, so anything we do is pretty much ok, because she doesnt have to do much work, or spend any money. Hair is a non-issue, because Feral Eldest was always allowed to color and bleach her hair until it was fried, and only was disallowed because she would make a huge uncleanable mess with the color agents and bleaches. With Munchkin SD12, she has gorgeous long healhty hair, SO recently took her for a 4 inch trim, everyone is happy camper. 

I DO, however, recall an instance whereby Feral Eldest, prior to aging out of custody arrangement, told BM some lies about how I am trying to get SKIDS kicked out of the house, she believe it, and went off about horrible CLove and how could he be with someone like horrible me. And he just replied that "CLove, she has never said anything like that AT ALL, Feral Eldest is making that up". Cricket chirping afterwards.

BM should have no way of contacting you.  Put her on ignore.  Written communication to DH only.