dbblondee's picture

I need help! I have three step children and two I get along just fine with. But the 22 year old boy...and I do mean boy/child! Is rude disrespectful and has even made up lies about me, written awful things on my car and I believe has stolen things from me. My husband doesn't understand my frustration and hurt feelings over any of it. He and his family act like that kid can do no wrong. Its gotten worse now that he married a personality just like his!! They just had a baby too!!! UGH!

Here is the most current issue: I do not want him in my house at all. Period. I don't trust him or his wife. (his new wife has also created some pretty damaging lies about me).

I have asked my husband to respect my position but I don't think he has any loyalty toward me when it comes to that boy.
He wants to be in his sons like for his new grandbaby (which is totally understandable) but I have told him I don't trust and don't want him in our home until there is an apology from them both. (which of course I wont ever get)

Unfortunately, everyone tip toes around him and has let him grow up being disrespectful toward others so its like they all just stick their heads in the sand and act as if his behavior is justified because he has a heart problem and watched a terrible divorce between his parents. His bad AND I MEAN TERRIBLE behavior is unacceptable to me. He started off liking me until we got married then ALL H*** broke loose! That's when it all changed!

I don't know what to do and I know I do not have any support from his father or any of my in laws! (the 2 girls stay out of it as much as they can)

Anon2009's picture

His writing on your car is vandalism. Hopefully you took pictures of your car after it was vandalized. You should press charges for that and the stealing. You should definitely get a restraining order on him and his wife. Don't go looking to your in-laws for support. Your husband should be supporting you and showing tough love to his son, but he's not. You can and should still do what you can to protect yourself.

If you feel they are being poor parents to their child (I feel sorry for that child) please call CPS- you can do so anonymously.

emotionaly beat up's picture

If your husband doesn't support you now, be aware, he never will. The longer you allow it, the longer and worse it gets and it will ultimately eat away at the love you feel for your husband. Given time, you will become resentful and you will lose respect for him. That is a guarantee written in cement. I can promise you it will happen.

The best way for you to handle this is to tell your husband his son and his wife are not welcome in your home. This is your home to, your castle, your place of peace and refuge from the world. It is not a place or should not be a place where you feel anxious and tense, where you do battle over other people. Dh can see his son at his sons home, he can tell his son, or you can do it for him, but it will be done as you are not living like this, furthermore anymore damage to your property will be reported to the police with no further discussion.

Now will that make your husband mad. Maybe, but either he will get over it or he won't. But if you don't put this out there, if you don't stand tall and strong and stand up for yourself. Your husband, the son and his wife will destroy you and your marriage. You will be fighting with your husband after every visit, you will be on tender hooks when they are there, you will be anxious everytime the doorbell rings in case it is them, then the grandchild is going to treat you just as mum and dad do, the grandchild will be taking your things, destroying your things and the stress of it all is going to make you physically ill. So deal with it now, or wait till you are a very angry, sick, anxious, resentful woman who has nothing to lose because you have fallen out of love with the man you once adored and don't care if the marriage ends anyway. But one say, you are going to have to deal with it. What makes you think otherwise. Do you think ss and wife will just love you tomorrow, not going to happen. Do you think your husband is going to wake up next week and change the way he parents his son. Not going to happen. Especially as ss now has a baby to blackmail daddy with. If daddy displeases his don, his son will withdraw baby. The only hope you have of saving yourself here is to stand up for yourself. NOW. The longer you leave it, the more they become accustomed to it. The harder it is, if not impossible to stop. Every woman on this site who out up with this stuff for years has one major regret, they didn't stop it themselves sooner. Read the adult step kids forums. Your husband is one of "those". He's not changing.

sandye21's picture

"Every woman on this site who out up with this stuff for years has one major regret, they didn't stop it themselves sooner." I am one of the women EBU is referring to, and I can tell you from personal experience, 20 years of it, that you need to stand up for yourself. Set boundaries now or you will be where I was 3 years ago when I had to ban SD from my home. AND I have had to work like hell to re-gain respect for my DH, and I am still working at it. For your sanity and dignity, please just do it.

ENuff's picture

My experience is similar to your n I feel the same exact way. It is my home n I will not be uncomfortable or disrespected in my HOME.

It's time your SS removes the tampon !!! Sorry to be vulgar but so sick of hearing peoples sad stories about how blah blah blah did blah blah blah.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Honestly Karmaqueen, is this how people are supposed to live in their own homes in order to accommodate step children. I think not. No way in hell would I be leaving my home when they visit or putting locks on anything to keep them out. That is not normal. That is not right.

If it came to that I think the only key I would be using would be the one to let myself out the front door, then I'd leave the key because I wouldn't be coming back. Or, I'd be using that key to let the steps and their dad out of the house and I'd be keeping that key as a spare because there is no way I'd be having my dh back so he wouldn't need the key.

You cannot turn your home into a prison, or a lock up storage unit where you have to lock up your possessions and your food to keep it from the steps. Your home is supposed to be your castle, your sanctuary, your place of peace.

The SS needs to be kept out of the house and dh can go visit elsewhere. End of discussion. It doesn't matter if it is DH's home too, if DH brings people into that home who drive you to such distraction, then DH loses the right to bring those people home. No matter who those people are.

dbblondee's picture

I agree that I should not have to leave unless I want to and I agree that this is my home and I don't trust him to be in it or around my animals. I know that I will start resenting my husband if he allows that boy/man (used loosely) to be in my home. I don't want this to destroy my marriage as none of his or my children live at home so this should be easy!!! lol
thank you

dbblondee's picture

Thank you for all the advice....some of this seems unrealistic and I just don't understand why I can't have the respect from my husband to support me and not allow that SOB over here. On a side note my 2 children absolutely hate their "step brother" and neither of them will ever tolerate being in the same room with him either.

Ugh! so hard, so unbelievably hard. I just don't get why he and his wife treat me with such malicious behavior when I have done ABSOLUTLY nothing wrong to either of them.
Thanks everyone!

ENuff's picture

They treat you the way that do ~ because no one has the guts to stand up to the spineless guppies they are and question their behavior. Who cares if SS alienates himself from Daddy. That would be a win win wouldn't.

You judge people on how they treat you ??? Hmmm what does DH think of how they treat you ?? Is it acceptable or they are " entitled" to their feelings cause they are adults. I smell bullshit ~ they will get theirs it's called KARMA ~ let me take a front seat n watch this unwind. Please !!!